Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Week of But She's Pretty Child's Visit

I can't remember if I ever told you all about "Dexter" or not, Klonopin has a way of doing that for you, blocking out the unpleasant. So a quick refresher.

I went out on a date with this guy and I honestly can't remember his real name anymore because I started calling him Dexter in my mind about half way through the date when he ask me if I had ever had sex with an animal and then invited me to tour the water treatment plant with him. I am just wanting to go home at that point. I made it home alive, thinking I had been rude enough that Dexter would never darken my doorstep again. I was wrong. Over the next few days he called several times, always asking me out on "interesting" dates, a walk through the botanical gardens after dark, the gun range to practice shoot, a tour of the fish hatchery, etc. Naturally I turned him down. Freak is being nice in describing this guy. So I finally got rid of him and haven't heard from him for months. Yesterday he shows up with an early Christmas gift, just what every woman wants, a pocket knife. Now I will shoot a gun with you all day and I'm going to hit my target dead on but I am terrified of opening a pocket knife. Can you shank someone with a closed pocket knife? I always imagine doing it the wrong way and cutting off a finger and it would kind of take the fear away from the guy that breaks in your house if you have to ask him to open the knife for you. My friend jokingly suggested that Dexter now wants me to join him in his serial killer escapades, we long ago decided he has serial killer somewhere in his blood. Come on, what would you think if someone ask you to take a tour of the water treatment plant at midnight? So I have decided if he wants me to join him in his activities he is going to have to do a better job of promoting his career. He is going to have to show up with the handgun of my choice and there are rules attached. We start with my list first, not his. But then again do I really want to kill them or just come back to haunt them? I think haunting would be more fun.

But She's Pretty Child came in from Nashville for a week before Thanksgiving and we had all kinds of neatly laid out plans. None of which happened because we have neanderthals in our family who do not respect other's plans. She had worked 40 hrs in 3 days to get those extra days off, then work a 10 hr day and immediately drove 4 hrs to get here after work that day, she was exhausted. She wasn't even in town yet when Fantasy Barbie decided it was time for drama to start. Now, But She's Pretty Child didn't get here until 2:00am on Monday night. Fantasy Barbie calls about midnight and wants to have Thanksgiving early, like the next day, for her convenience. I refused, told her there was no time to prepare that fast and But She's Pretty Child needed to at least have one day of rest, she didn't like my answer and went into full Fantasy Barbie drama mode. We ignored her.

Our first day we had planned on just laying around in our pj's(she is truly my twin) being lazy and watching movies all day. At 9:00am the doorbell starts ringing and didn't stop until 11:00pm that night. I will give you that the girl is funny as hell, has the ability to do absolutely stupid things without even realizing it and she is beautiful. So Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate decide to bring every friend they have ever met since kindergarten to meet her. As much as I told them she was not an animal on display at the zoo I was ignored. Although I did get her to do a some monkey calls and beat her chest in front of a few of them. I guess you can make very loud, screeching monkey calls while beating your chest as long as your beautiful, they didn't seem to mind a bit. Next we tried "trucker language" that didn't stop them either. Some just stared at her, she told one if he didn't stop staring she was going to charge him for it. The fool was dead serious when he ask her how much. Hell if I had known they were willing to pay I would have put her in the corner, threw a few Christmas decorations on her and charged them myself!

Second day we had plans to get our hair cut and colored by our favorite stylist, Baybay. He not only is the best around but amusing and rude as hell. Just like us, only he is gay and we aren't. I always dreamed of having a gay son that went to beauty school but it just wasn't in my cards to have one. We thought it would only take 3 or 4 hours. But we get in there and decide to have the works and both our hair colors are tri-levels so that takes a while, then being the only clients that day the entertainment level and bad language was flowing easily. We ended up staying 7 hrs just goofing off with Baybay. This of course set Fantasy Barbie off on another tangent. To appease her we drove up to visit her before leaving town to come back home. We stayed quite some time, everyone seemed happy and we left to come back to my house.  Before we get here we get an urgent text message from her husband to have But She's Pretty Child call him ASAP. Guess Fantasy Barbie wasn't done yet, after we left she tells her husband that But She's Pretty Child told her he was a dick, mean to the kids and controlling and that Fantasy Barbie should divorce him. Truth is But She's Pretty Child likes the husband more than her own sister and would never have said anything against him. He knew this but wanted to warn her that she was still on a rampage.

Third day is Thanksgiving. We get a text from Fantasy Barbie that she isn't coming. Since she was responsible for some of the food items that this family would literally fall in the floor and cry over if they were not served on a holiday we had to run to the grocery on Thanksgiving morning and buy all the stuff she wasn't coming to bring. Rush back home and cook it all on top of our own food we had to cook and be ready to serve dinner by 2:00pm. We made it with not a minute to spare. At around 2:05pm who walks through the door to have dinner? Yep, Fantasy Barbie. She finally figured out a way to eat and not have to do her share of the cooking. A "Come to Jesus" meeting after dinner between me, But She's Pretty Child and her did have her cleaning up the entire mess though. The whole time she is here she is friendly and talking to everyone. Then she leaves and on the way home told her husband that she had heard me and But She's Pretty Child talking about her when we went outside on the porch for a cigarette and that we had said a bunch of stuff that he had supposedly told us in private about her, that we were making fun of her (that might have been true, but hell we made fun of everyone here, even each other.  But what fun is it if you don't do it to her face? None of that was true, we didn't talk about anyone while out there, we were discussing my moving to Nashville as soon as possible. Which is probably what pissed her off and caused that round of drama. She lives close enough to visit me every day if she wanted but only comes to my house on Thanksgiving and Christmas and only then if I am cooking or have gifts to give her, she might call once every four or five months, if your not sick. If your sick she is afraid she might be ask to do something for you, yet she throws a fit every time I mention moving to Nashville.

On the fourth day I was a very bad girl, but enjoyed every fucking second of it and would do it all over again. My ex whom the kids have not seen or heard from in two or three years, no one can remember exactly when it was or what the occasion might have been. He decides to blow into town on fumes of alcohol, at least that is what Demon Seed swears that he must have converted his truck over to by now, Jack Daniels Whiskey. The kids refuse to go to his house so he decided to come to my house where they do come because I am apparently less offensive than he is and I am sober. Klonopin doesn't count. So he wants the ones that didn't escape in time to go out to dinner with him. Tells Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate he has a surprise for them, tells But She's Pretty Child to make no plans on Saturday (her last full day here) because he has somewhere to take her, she quickly figured out it was a major ballgame that the boys would have loved to attend but he didn't get tickets for them too. Leaving no chewing out to chance she immediately calls her Grandma and tells what he is doing, so he then has to spend an hour getting his ass ripped from his mother. Right away But She's Pretty Child  is pissed and crying, then fighting with him because she stands up for Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate, I actually think it hurts her more than it does them that he slights them in everything. So he breezes in here and gives each of them a $100 and she immediately hands hers to me and says loudly, very loudly "Hold on to this for me Mamma, because as soon as we get back from this God forsaken dinner I am taking the boys to town and spending my ill gained reward on them, so everyone needs to eat real fast before I really snap" Then it happened.  My opportunity to "save them". They go to get in his truck and someone he has locked his keys in it. The type of truck he has is almost impossible to break into let alone unlock a locked door. He tries for about 25 minutes in the 32 degree temps we had that night. We just watch him. Then he calls the cell phone service because he just knows he has Roadside Assistance, he was wrong (he didn't know I took that shit off of his months ago just waiting on a moment like this to happen) but after an hour they were willing to give him one courtesy lock out service for $79, hell did they not understand that would have cut down on his beer money at the ballgame the next day? We just watch him. He then calls his insurance company and after 40 minutes on hold is informed he opted out of Roadside Assistance when he got his insurance policy. We just watch him. Then he paces the parking lot, circles the truck many times running his hands through his hair in frustration for another 30 minutes. We just watch him but we are by now giggling into our mittens, we have a secret. He has been outside for 3 1/2 hours in those 32 degree temps by now. But She's Pretty Child announces it is now too late to go anywhere and eat and I "suddenly" remember that my car insurance covers me in any car, so if I locked my keys in his car they would be here in less than five minutes and get them out for free. I call them, told them they were my keys, they came, unlocked his door and got "my" keys out for me. The whole process took less than 10 minutes. We plead the fifth as to knowing just who locked how those keys got locked in there in the first place and to knowing in advance that my insurance would cover the lock out quickly and free of charge.

On the fifth day he gives the boys some lame excuse about he would have bought them tickets too but he couldn't watch the game and watch them at the same time. Excuse me? They are 6'3" tall and two months away from being 18yrs old,  and considering they are both sober not likely they need a drunk to watch out for them. Who watches them anymore anyway? I sure as hell don't. They did however get a good laugh out of the excuse. Unfortunately it only made But She's Pretty Child even madder, it didn't help any that within two minutes of the game starting one of his friends who had already had to much to drink vomited all down her left side, twice, even into her shoes, a large amount. She could buy a new shirt from a stand and some nice stranger gave her his hoodie but she was stuck with the coat, the jeans and the shoes.  She spent the rest of the game sitting with total strangers because she refused to acknowledge she was with him. I'm just glad I am not the one that had to ride back in the same truck with her. She doesn't hold back. They all swear they will never again suffer his presence.  I say they can all be bought but it will take considerably more than $100 each and a pizza next time. He better be willing to reach deep in those pockets.

On the sixth day we finally had fun the kids blew their money from him on turtle headphones, But She's Pretty Child bought them both a new coat with her money and we went out to eat on what everyone had left over. Then it was movie and snack night in our pj's. No drama, possibly because all of us turned off our cell phones and didn't turn them back on until the next morning.

On the seventh day, we only had half a day before it was time for But She's Pretty Child to head back to Nashville but we enjoyed it, made funny pictures of each other, you know acted like any other kindergarten children would act.

I can't wait to move to Nashville, it will be so nice to be around someone who is as crazy and devious as I am on a full time basis. Better yet she is engaged to a lawyer.....if the need ever arises that we would need his services.