Monday, June 18, 2012

Things That Amused Me This Week

To balance out yesterday's list I thought I would also throw in a few things that amused me this week.

Kid at Pool
I found that a kid screaming "I pooped in the pool" is far more amusing than some aging teenage wannabe screaming "There is a shark in the water". When the shark thing came out all she got was stares and my hero's comments. But when the kid screamed he had dropped a load in the pool it was mass chaos watching all the other swimmers trying to get out of the water and then the parents swimming around trying chase and scoop out the floaters that escaped. Turns out those swim diapers don't contain everything. I'm telling you this was a get a glass of wine, light up a cigarette and kick back in your chair moment. I don't know the national statistics on the time it takes to catch a turd floater but I do know that these two would not have won any contest at it, it took them a good 20 minutes to catch three floating turds.

Security by the Dumpster, Please!
So we go visit a friend about three hours from our house and decide to stop for a drink and some snacks. Demon Seed opts to stay in the car proclaiming, "You all know what I like just get me something", so off we go, make our choices and go to pay. I just happen to look up at the security panel and what do I see on one of those little screens? Yes, Demon Seed pissing by the dumpster in the back of the store, facing the camera. Now all I could think was "I hope no one looks up at those monitors" but then I hear it... The Devil's Advocate... announcing "Oh my God, why didn't he just come inside and use the bathroom, look, you can see his dick plain as day on the camera, damn, now he is shaking it off" and then he dissolves into hysterical laughter and laced with a touch of pride. By now the cashier and those in line behind me are watching too. All I can think of was this simple prayer "God, I don't ask for much, but this time I am begging you, please don't let The Devil's Advocate  mention in anyway that this dumpster pisser belongs to us, let him continue to be so amused and amazed that for once in his life he doesn't call him by name and yell out "Way to go!" Prayers do work, he remained mum on the name and kinship, we managed to get in the car and several miles down the road before my son could be arrested for public indecency. But I do have admit, we laughed and teased him all the way. At one point The Devil's Advocate even told him that the big truck driver in line behind us had asked for his phone number and he gave it to him.

Cell Phone Love
I was sitting on my front balcony enjoying a cup of coffee mate when I hear voices. At first I was a little uneasy since it is 2 am and I am outside with only a purple chihuahua to protect me. But then I realized that it had to be someone we knew or the purple chihuahua would have been barking his fool head off and callling even more attention to the fact that he is...well...purple. It's my neighbor, on the cell phone with his girlfriend. I can't hear any words being said but assume by the amount of pacing, circling the yard, stopping and bending over in agony from time to time and then more pacing that they were in an argument. I like this kid so I am feeling a little sorry for him. That is until he totally missed the stepped down on the curb, went down like someone had run up behind him and gave him a hard push and rolled out into the parking lot. The kid's a Ninja though, he went down, rolled several feet and was back up on his feet again all in one move.  Like it had never happened. Blood was pouring from both knees and the nurse in me kicked in, I jumped up to ask if he was alright and he calmly says "I'm Ok, it's just my heart that's broken", I am trying my best to hold back the laughter because for some reason it is always hilarious when someone else falls down. I tell him his heart is bleeding from his knees and he really needs to clean the wounds. He looks down at both knees and the blood running down his leg and let's out a "Baby, please take me back, I'm bleeding for you". It was over, I could no longer hold in the laughter.

The Vet
I had to take both dogs to the new vet, Lola the pug does her thing with very little concern or argument. I knew it was not going to be the same with the chihuahua. I warned them he would need to be muzzled. They look at his 4 lbs and assure me they can handle him without a muzzle. I again told them they might want to at least consider muzzling him, he would bite them. They laughed me off. I shut up and sat down to watch the show I knew was coming. Four bites, one pair of glasses knocked to the floor and a torn shirt later they decided they needed to muzzle him. The Chupacabra wins again. I tried to warn them. As we are leaving nothing do the pug but to go visit the cows. The vet says they are his personal cows and healthy so let her go look in the pen. She ran over and stuck that little flat face face up between the metal bars all excited over these new and strange creatures she was seeing. One mama cow notices her and comes straight up to her, bends down and puts her wet nose right up against the Pug's face and lets out a loud moo. I have never seen a dog jump so high or run so fast in my life. She pulled the leash out of Demon Seed's hands and took off. She ran straight for the vet's door, unfortunately for her it was very clean glass so she slammed into it face first. Then she just ran and ran. She would have made any greyhound look lame in her attempt to get away from those cows. It could have been an act of revenge on the vet's part and he was just afraid to mess with the chihuahua again.

The Car
First I think I need to explain, my sons are very intelligent. Ok, we are going to ignore the fact that one of them is outside on the back balcony right now laid back in a computer chair he has pulled out there with a computer in his lap, head propped up on a pillow and playing World of Warcraft. Usually he is intelligent so I am pretending not to see this. The other night Demon Seed drove my car to his friend's house, whose mother happens to be a good friend of mine. I don't usually let him take the car if he is spending the night, I either drive him, The Devil's Advocate takes him or the friend he is going to spend the night with picks him up. But this night I told him to just take the car. I did this for a reason. As soon as they fell asleep my friend called me and I sneaked down there and got my car, brought it home and parked it where it is always parked when home. He get's up the next day, no one says a thing to him about the car, he goes to leave and comes back inside in a panic. The car has been stolen and he wants to report it to the police, so my friend pretends to call and report it. He doesn't want me to know because he knows I will be upset but she convinces him he has to tell me. He calls and I go through the whole "What?! Someone stole the car?" routine and tell him to come home immediately. So my friend brings him home where he sees the car. Now you would think that would be his first clue that someone has played a joke on him, right? Nope, he comes in the house all excited and says "Mom, I don't know who took the car but they brought it back home!" This child seriously thought someone had stolen the car and then brought it back home. Not even stopping to think they would have no idea where to bring it home since it was "stolen" from his friends house and not here. He is so relieved and excited that the car is back that it takes him a good two hours for it to sink in and realize we had played a joke on him. He comes in and asks me if I took the car. I tell him no. He then asks if it was The Devil's Advocate. Again I tell him no. So he says..."Then someone really did take it and bring...."  I stopped him and confessed. I couldn't watch the decline of his intelligence any longer.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Things That Pissed Me Off This Week

Since I seem to have this major blog writing block I decided to post a few things that pissed me off this week and a few that amused me.

Things that pissed me off:

Kids in general piss me off because I don't like them. But this group is in general getting on my nerves and soon I will explode and become the one everyone says "Dude, your Mom is a real bitch" about. I will wear the moniker proudly. I am pretty laid back but push me and I get nasty. I am being pushed. All at once Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate have decided they are grown and no longer need to ask permission for anyone to spend the night. They don't just bring in one or two, no they will drag in five or six to eat my food, drink my cokes, sneak my cigarettes, cook and leave dishes for me to wake up to the next morning. Last night they crossed the line when one showed up here at 2 am to spend the night and another one woke me up at 3:45am to see if I could take him home because he thought he was having an "anxiety attack". Being the loving, caring mother I am I told him to get his skinny ass back to my son's room and have his attack there or call his Mom because I wasn't taking anyone home at that time of the morning. Today, life as they have known it for the last few weeks ends. All goodies and drinks have been moved to my bedroom closet so there is nothing to snack on and no Coke to wash it down with. I refuse to cook anything that might possibly result in left overs, I will throw it away before I feed another one of these leeches. They will come in amounts I determine, days I determine, they will come at a decent hour and leave before noon the next day. Maybe a few weeks of this and they will learn that my son's don't live alone and have full control over this house, the utilities or the food.

There are two boys that mine have been told they can't in any circumstance be around, they can't hang out with them, they can't go anywhere these two boys will be and they damn sure can't bring them to my house. I suspect in a few weeks this may not be a problem as both will sooner or later end up in jail and the rest of us parents won't have to worry about them anymore. Now, months ago I told these two boys they were not welcome here, ever. I called their parents and told them the same thing and why. Two days ago I got a phone call from a neighbor who saw two people climbing up my son's balcony. There are no stairs to this balcony so it really does take an effort to climb it. I sneaked out the front door in my best 007 mode and around the house and guess who is half way up my balcony? Yes, Dumb and Dumberer. So again in 007 mode I sneaked back to the front and called the police, I told them I had two trespassers climbing my back balcony, they were here in no time. I pressed charges and they were arrested. Then I got a restraining order. All that time keeping these two away from my home and now I want them to come back do I can exercise my power to send them both to jail. I may be exhibiting troublemaker tendencies.

My Doctor
I go in for regular two month check up which pretty much involves him listening to my heart, taking my blood pressure, weighing me and then shoving my prescriptions in my hand to send me back out the door. I have fibromyalgia, this dr was informed of this when I first started going to him a year ago. I bring it up yesterday telling him I am in a flare and am going to need some pain support for the next week or so and he looks at me like I am nuts and says "You do? Fibromyalgia isn't that bad, you shouldn't need any medication for that, as far as I know that isn't a painful condition and it has no side effects. I was in shock, that is what the trademark of the whole illness, pain and side effects. Are you really saying this to me? First you don't remember I even have it and second you idiot do you not realize that it is my fibromyalgia that has been paying your fucking bills for the last year? I refuse to go back so have made an appointment with a dr who might actually remember why I go to see him in the first place.

Non Existent Sharks
I am trying to relax on my front porch and all at one I hear a blood curdling scream coming from the pool. I look up to see this woman who looked to be in her early 50's screaming at the top of her voice, clutching her chest as if she is going to go into cardiac arrest at any second and screaming "No, I can't get in the water, there are sharks in there!" She is screaming this over and over and some guy I assume is her husband/boyfriend is chuckling and telling her there are no sharks in swimming pools only the ocean. She then bats her false eyelashes at him and let's out another very loud scream "Behind you, the shark is behind you, Oh Lord Jesus save us all!" All the while I am contemplating grabbing the skateboard and the baseball bat off my porch (because they were the only two things that could be wielded as weapons within my reach) and shutting her up. Then my hero emerged. A huge man trying to also enjoy the pool, screams out at the man "Get her the hell out of here! She is either crazier than a bat, in which case she shouldn't be around a large body of water, she thinks she is cute and being flirty and with that big belly and the boobs hanging down to her waist she is wrong on both points or she is on some killer drugs, in which case you need to be sharing that shit so the rest of us here might not find her so irritating!" The many in the pool replies "She's just playing around." The big guy then looks at her and says "If you goes to the other side of the complex to the tennis courts you can pretend dinosaurs are chasing you because they are meaner than sharks in the first place." They left the pool. Since I heard no screaming coming from the tennis court I assume they decided to go home.

Stupid People
The lady in the line in front of me at the grocery store was a nickle short to pay for what she had bought. I had one item in my hand and there was a string of people in line behind me. I handed her a nickle and the bitch went into a spasm like I had tried to give her a rattle snake. No, she would go to her car and get the nickle, she doesn't take anything from anyone. I reminded her it was just a nickle and we have all been in the same place at one time or another at a check out. The cashier tells her to forget about the nickle, she would put one in for her. Again, she goes ballistic over that damn nickle. So the rest of us have to stand in line and wait while this bitch goes all across the parking lot to get to her car to retrieve that stupid nickle and then all the way back again to give it to the cashier.

My Mother's Pictures
My Mom is a professional photographer, very talented. Unfortunately, for her children, she got new equipment last week. So now we are all being bombarded by email with samples of her work with her new equipment. Not just one or two a day. No at least 20 or more a day and she expects a commentary on each and every one she sends. I am starting to fear my email box. We are now taking turns writing a response, the one that writes it that day sends it to the others and we all send that same response back to her on each and every picture. She hasn't realized this yet, she just thinks it shows how "consistant" her work is since we all see the same thing in her pictures. Hopefully the fascination with the new equipment will wear off before she catches on to us.

My Sister-In-Law
My Mom went to my brother's the other day and was rambling around in the bookcase picking out a few books she might want to read. My sister-in-law informed her that there were several more of them out in the garage all ready for a garage sale she was having the next day. Mom goes out there and picks out about 10 books, then my sister-in-law tells her that will be $3 per book. My Mom was floored and didn't even know what to say, I'm sure it didn't take her long to recover and let the words come though since it was my Mom who bought each and every one of those books over the years for my brother for Christmas, his birthday or just because she saw one and thought he might like it. We won't even go into the bills she has paid for them, the school clothes she has bought their kids, the car repairs she has paid for or the overdraft fee's she has paid for my sister-in-law (who thinks managing a checkbook is a total waste of her time so she is constantly overdrawn) over the years. I still can't believe she had the nerve to try to charge my Mom for those books. It would also be worth a plane ticket back home to see the reaction she will get from my Mom the next time she needs money.

The Stable Guy
So I go to ride and there is a new stable hand. He comes out bringing me this old slow nag that a 6 month old would be perfectly safe on and offers to to hold the reigns and lead me around the training ring for my ride. Why did he do this? He said because he could tell by looking that I was a little afraid of the horses and didn't know anything about riding and he wanted me to have a good experience. Oh really? I have been on a horse since I was less than two years old, my parents raised Arabian's. I have jumped horses, trained horses, broke horses, barrel raced, rode bareback, rode backwards, etc. I have been bucked off, thrown into a lake, stepped on, been bit, knocked down, rubbed off on fences, trees or anything else a horse could get to if he wanted me off. I have slept in the stable beside a mare while waiting on a foal to be born, I have even pulled a few stuck foals out. You name it and I have done it on a horse, yes, even that. But he could tell just by looking that I don't know anything about horses. Smart guy.

Ex's Who Think They Are Smart
My ex who probably lives in terror of me taking him back for more alimony or higher child support with each raise he gets has been feeding the kids a line of shit that I find hilarious. One of my favorites is he has to give me so much money that some weeks he only gets to eat two meals a day (The Devil's advocate told him one time he wasn't skinny enough to only be eating two meals a week and did he realize that his beer money would actually buy food instead), that I make more money than he does (he forgets I got him that job and read the contract before he did, I know what he was making five years ago and it was more than me then, I also know what and how many raises he gets under that contract), that he has to buy new tires for his truck (the truck was brand new, less than a week old at the time, I would have been back visiting the dealer if it already needed new tires) and Demon Seed's favorite that he never gets to go anyplace or do anything because of all the money he has to send me (He has posted a ski trip to Denver, 2 Carribean cruises, 4 concerts and a 3 week vacation to Key West on FaceBook, complete with pictures since January. He thinks as long as he doesn't accept his children as friends and "locks" his pictures they can't see, he also forgets he has one child who is a computer genius who can hack into anything, took him all of 5 minutes to get into his FaceBook account. So last week when the company made a mistake and deposited both my check (he has to send me my money by direct deposit from his company) and his check into my account and he had to call me to get it out and send it to him I made him jump through a few hoops. Since the amount deposited didn't quite match the amount he claims to be getting by any long shot (he claimed it was an over payment and he would have to pay it back to the company, I knew he was lying) I told him I couldn't get it out until I got verification of his income from his company stating what that check was suppose to be because I wasn't about to pull that money out of my account and then find out I owed them a bunch of money. That if he wanted his money he had to have the company send me a verification of income paper and then I would have my bank return the over payment to the company so I would not be held responsible for the over payment. Then he tells me it isn't an over payment, it was travel expenses to a job project. I held my ground and told him I needed the verification of income and the verification of travel voucher before I pulled any money out of my account to send him. Took him a week to get that verification of income and amazing his income matched the amount deposited into my account down to the penny. Of course he couldn't produce any travel voucher because, as I knew, it didn't exist. Can't tell you how much I enjoyed that little exchange!