Sunday, August 19, 2012

Shit I Hate Sunday With Rockin Mama

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Cause we all need a little venting to 
complete strangers from time to time.
It's like therapy but free.

Shit I Hate...Someone drinking the last coke before I get up, they know it is my life's blood and I have to have one first thing in the morning.

Shit I Hate...Having to ask for help for live saving treatment for my dog that I can't afford. So many have given to help her. She is going to need an a treatment I knew nothing about next week and am not even mentioning it because I already feel so bad for all they have already done and her regular treatment is in October and I know I will need help with it. I would give anything to be able to afford it without having to put it off until I can save for it. It just sucks.

Shit I Hate...Waking up feeling like the Lupus pain is going to have control today and not me.

Shit I Hate...People who ask the obvious questions. Are they identical? Nope, just like one of them so much I decided to have him cloned.

Shit I Hate...The grocery store, I hate getting groceries and won't go until their rib cages start to show.

Shit I Hate...People who come into MY house and then complain about dog hair. I didn't invite you over, they live here you don't, if you don't like it then don't come.

Shit I Hate...Getting a haircut, I am never satisfied with the results and then feel the need to bitch about it for a week and yet will turn around and make another appointment at the same place.

Shit I Hate...An absentee sperm donor who makes over $200 a year and can't buy his kids one new XBox when theirs is broken forcing me to have to get one and make payments I really can't afford. Guess that extra money would cause his girlfriend to have a couple less martini's on their cruise to the Bahama's.

Your Shitting Me? Dentist? No Way! This Place Has To Be A Zoo!

I realize my time is almost up with pediatric dentists. It will be a sad day, they give out the good goodies. But for now I am still making them suffer the indignity because dammit I want that free McDonald's coupon, the free huge size box of toothpaste, the floss and a the new toothbrushes every time. Double that and you rack up on the goodies. Hell this time we even got two free baseball caps (more on those later).

We pull up and of course I am armed with my headphones, music on my phone and my book. I really wanted to wear the full face helmet I ride the Harley with my friend but he kept telling me it was overkill. He, I might add, did not have to go to this horrible place full of horrible children. As soon as you walk into the downstairs door you are bombarded with murals of jungle animals. That could be insight on the dentists point, a kind of warning so to speak. These murals follow you all the way up the stairs the closer you get to the top the louder it gets. Your stomach starts to sink because you just know you aren't going to be blessed with an appointment where no one else is there or even just one or two of the little creatures. As soon as you open that double door and walk in your assaulted by sound. I swear to God it looked like someone had just stepped on an ant bed and the ants were running everywhere. Immediately, The Devil's Advocate says "Mom, be nice, try not to insult anyone in here until we get done and back to the car, once we are gone you can do what you want". He has no faith in my ability to control myself. The Demon Seed says "Your wasting your breath, just get prepared she won't be able to hold out that long" I did really well all the way to the reception desk, I pushed down the urge to step on any little ants that got in front of me and didn't say one bad thing to them. It didn't last long. At the reception desk, I checked them in and the fun started. At least for the ants. While standing there checking them in one starts clutching at my legs with the nasty fingernails and dirtiest face I have ever seen. I wasn't really mean about it, I simply said......OK so I said it loudly,  "Honey, I think you need to go find Mommy, she may have plans on cleaning you up a little before you go visit the nice dentist." Still proud because I had called the dentist nice and didn't scare the child. The entire waiting room is decorated for children.  Do they not realize grown people have to actually bring those ants in? I'm not very tall at 5'1" so the low benches weren't all that bad. But Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate are 6'2" tall, it was a struggle for them but they did look rather cute sitting there with their knees up to their chins. I wanted to take a picture of them but I have a pink rhinestone cover on my phone and I was afraid the creatures running loose would see something shiny and attack in an attempt to gain control of it. It would have gotten nasty because NO ONE is going to take away my fantasy that I look just like Paris Hilton when I carry it. The boys know it's coming so they don't want to sit on the same midget bench as I am. Silly boys, like I can't make my voice carry across a room of screaming ants if I want to embarrass them. Instead I just squeezed in between them, hey, they are a lot bigger and we could quickly see safety was going to a concern, I wanted protection.

The ants just kept streaming in the door as if following an invisible line of cookie crumbs. I counted them at one time out of sheer boredom. 32 ants in the room, running , screaming, fighting, coming up to you wanting you to read to them. I must have been in there on "dirty kid day", I swear out of all those ants there was maybe only two of them that I would have taken out in public, let alone to the dentist. I was forced to tell  two of them that would not leave me alone that all the animals on the wall came alive and ate them if the kids didn't sit with their parents and be quiet. They quickly scrambled back to Mom and Dad's lap. Well Dad's lap, I don't think Mom had actually seen her lap in many years so she only had knees to sit on. Two down, thirty to go. I don't even want to hear how cruel I am, it was a matter of survival at that point and to be honest I would not have cared if the animals did eat them.

I put my headphones in, it didn't drown out the noise but did give me some cover for calling them all names under my breath, they thought I was silently singing along with the song. Then one little ant ran up and pulled off my headphones so to preserve them I put them back in my purse while quietly telling the child that the dentist really didn't like little kids with the name of Melissa and had made that day "Hurt All Melissa's Day" (I had heard her parents call her this about a thousand times by then) so I hope he wasn't too hard on her back there. Her Mom apologized and I informed her that I thought Melissa and I had an understanding and were all good with each other now.

I go to reception and ask how much longer was it going to be so I could plan my admission to the mental ward of the local hospital for immediately after. She tells me about another hour. I inform her that any longer than 30 minutes and she was going to have to take me in the back and share some of that nitrous oxide that I knew they were not just giving to the children, there is no physically possible way to work in that place without running back for a hit of the nitrous at least once an hour. She promised me 30 minutes or a hit off the nitrous.

I go back to "patiently" wait for that 30 minutes to pass when the door open and in SHE comes. I thought there was something familiar about the child even though I couldn't see her face because of the dirty matted hair that covered it, and the goosebumps on my arms tell me I have reason to fear her. Then Demon Seed leans over and says "Hey look, it's the girl from the movie "The Ring!" This child even walked like the little girl in that movie, all joking aside she was a creepy ass little kid. Of course this is when they call mine to the back. I was wanting to grab each ones leg and scream " No, don't leave me here, I think I rewound the DVR a couple of times last night and I know I gave a movie to the neighbor to watch!" Instead I curled up in a fetal position on the midget bench and didn't take my eyes off of her, praying for the dentist to hurry and call me back to discuss the exams.

Then my kidney's kick in and I have to go to the bathroom. I know I shouldn't have left the book there but I couldn't hold my purse, the book and feel my way along the wall while keeping my back to it so I wouldn't have to take my eyes of the Ring Girl at the same time. While in the bathroom a baby, kind of hard to get mad at a 12 month old, real easy to get mad at the Mom that watched him do it, chewed the entire corner off of my hardbound book while I was in the bathroom. Not just a little nibble or two the damn kid literally ate a corner of the book.  So I kept quite when I saw the child next to her dig through her purse while she is dealing with the baby, come out with lipstick and paint the bench and her own clothes and face with Mom's Monkey Butt Red lipstick. I rather enjoyed it actually.

Finally the God's shined upon me and I was called to the back. I am told how beautiful their teeth are, how perfectly straight and in alignment with the jaw and how fortunate that they had and  never will  needed braces. The Devil's Advocate's filling is filled so all is good there. Demon Seed has to have the baby tooth pulled that refuses to come out on the 30th. Both are sparkly clean and after the 30th I will have a full 6 months before I have to come back. Next time I am coming armed with hockey sticks, knee and elbow pads and asking for the "Clean Kid Day" for appointments and can they please just give me my shot of nitrous oxide as soon as I walk in instead of waiting until things escalate. We get our bag of goodies and the boys head for the car, afraid some other child might approach me and knowing I was at the breaking point to make a scene. They didn't want to be present. Then the assistant comes running from the back telling me the boys forgot their hats and hands me two brand new local team popular baseball hats. I think to myself that the dentist has really stepped up on the goodies and wondering if I can lie about their ages so they don't have to move next door to the adult side in eight months.

I get in the car, for once I am allowed to drive and get half way home before I remember the hats in the bag. I tell them both that the dentist gave them hats this time too. They open the bag and said "Uh, Mom, they made a mistake, we saw the man and his kid next to us wearing these hats, they must have forgot them and just thought they were ours"  I told them both I was NOT going backing to the well where the Ring Girl was and to enjoy their new hats. In unison they both say "But Mom, they belong to someone!" I, of course,wanting them always to do the right thing said: "Of course they do, they belong to you, now put the fuckers on, smile and show off those beautiful teeth! He probably isn't brave enough to go back and get them anyway." I stepped on the gas to pick up speed just in case he might be following us to reclaim those hats.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Two For Teeth

Dear God,
If I ever have to take two 17 yr olds to the dentist at the same time again would you please just come and take me in my sleep the night before?
Thank you,

One is whining because he has a cavity to be filled and the other one doesn't. One is complaining because he has to floss and brush before going. His reasoning is "They are going to clean them anyway so what is the point?" Because I need to cover my ass is why. I fed you both sugared donuts and Jalapeno flavored cheese puffs for breakfast and McDonald's for lunch so just brush and floss for God's sake!  I don't need a lecture this afternoon. The Demon Seed isn't a big talker so I can probably count on him. At best they will only get a couple of grunts out of him. There isn't enough sedation in the world to shut up The Devil's Advocate, on any subject, so he will delight in naming off all the junk food I have allowed him to consume in the name of sanity in the last 6 months. With that one I will just consider it a win if he doesn't tell on me too.

I plan on taking a book to hide behind, maybe sit on the other side of the waiting room and pretend I don't know them. I am even prepared to roll my eyes along with others waiting when I hear one of them loudly proclaim to the other one as if they were hard of hearing " Damn that ugly tree fucked her up bad!" when a new patient comes in. I might even mumble something about their poor mother just to make it seem more realistic.

I have put this off as long as possible so I really have to run for now. All hope that the dental office has burned to the ground and all appointments are cancelled until they rebuild is gone.

Pray for me.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Five Question Friday

Yeah, I am a lazy bitch again today so I am taking the easy way out until the Klonopin kicks in and I can think clear enough to actually write a post. Please be aware that may come after a long nap or never.

Five Question Friday-Link up and play along!

1. Thunder storms- love them or hate them?

Love them, actually live for them and if they are at night even better. A good storm makes me want to break out in song:

Well, I love a rainy night
I love a rainy night
I love to hear the thunder
Watch the lightning
When it lights up the sky
You know it makes me feel good

Phew! Glad I got that out of my system, never was a big Eddie Rabbitt fan, but like this song. I have this whole storm ritual, I want everyone home, something cooked to eat or at the very least snacks available or fast food brought in (I am quite sure the local chinese delivery thinks I only eat on days we have storm warnings), turn my phone off so my ex mother in law can't call every five minutes to see if we have met an untimely death due to the storm (it may be wishful thinking on her part, I can't be sure), the sofa, a couple of pillows, the big screen tv complete with dvr recordings (of course), my dogs snuggled with me (how sad I would rather snuggle a pug than a damn man at this junction in my life, or smart, two ways to look at it) and an extra dose of Klonopin (this is non negotiable on anyday let alone a stormy day or night).

2. Do your kids get back to school clothes

They are home schooled so do new pajamas count? I kid, I kid! Not about the homeschooling part but I do buy them actual clothing as they do have a life outside the home as that is the only sanity I get. I do however get new clothes for them around the same time all the public school kids get them, it gives them something to talk to their friends about who are about 50% public and 50% home school based and kind of gets them in the school spirit. They both say considering I am harder than any teacher they ever had in public school they need some kind of compensation. I do however refuse to go with them, they are finally old enough to just hand the money to them and say go pick out some clothes. That way I don't have to watch all the people around them turn up their nose and wonder what that horrible odor emanating from their bodies is. I have discovered it is rare that people who do not have teenagers actually recognize the life force giving scent of AXE.

3. Do you golf? Do you watch it?

I only watched golf several years ago when dating a golf pro. I had ulterior motives in mind, trust me it was not a love for the game. I find myself actually a little embarrassed for most golfers. Who dresses these men?

4. Showers or baths?

I usually prefer a bath. I have fibromyalgia and Lupus so the soak in the hot water in a jetted tub helps ease the pain. Plus I love the new bubble baths that are safe to use in jetted tubs, you get the best of both worlds. A good soak, jetted tub to ease the aches, bubbles and always a candle to read my book by. When I find the muscular naked man to feed me grapes or strawberries while all this is going on it will be the perfect set up and I most likely would lose the need to blog. 

5. What's the strangest meal you ever ate?

Some concoction a church member made for an after church dinner. Do you know how hard it is to spit something out while violently gagging without being seen? 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

5 Out Of 5 Ain't Bad

Normally questionnaires send me running from the room screaming but something about this one was a little different, not the usual "what's your favorite food" deal, so I decided to give it a try. Also I can't think of a damn thing to write this morning, it's storming, I'm too lazy to get up and turn the AC up so I'm freezing and it's getting harder and harder to ignore the hunger pains that are distracting me (that lazy thing again).

What are the 5 scariest things you have ever heard from a doctor:
1. "I'm sorry, we lost your son's heart beat, we can't do anything else" (It was on my birthday)

2. "Your daughter is in a coma and has less than 1% chance of making it, we have done all we can, if she does survive she will most likely be in a permanent vegetative state" (He was so wrong, this child in now in her third year of nursing school and carrying a 4.0, you would never know she had been this close to death She was 18 yrs old at the time)

3. "Well, it's a poisonous mushroom, but we can't identify it and it appears she ate the whole thing ( child from number 2 again, I swear I am not trying to kill this child!  They finally did identify the mushroom by calling in a botonist, pumped out her stomach and gave her an antidote and she was fine. She was 14 months old at the time)

4. "We think it is cancer and need to remove it right away. (This was Demon Seed last summer, it wasn't cancer but we didn't know it wasn't for 6 weeks, he had an abscess pressing against his heart and lungs caused from the virus Cat Scratch Fever, ironic since we have no cats, so a minor biopsy turned into major surgery that had him in isolation all last summer with an open surgical wound that had to be unpacked and packed daily. Do you have any idea how much fun being in isolation with a teenager is, especially one who has also been told he can't use his AXE until the wound closes in 2-3 months?)

5. "It's male twins and they are identical. (OH FUCK, that is all you can think of when hearing this news, actually that's the only thought that goes through your head for the whole next week then "What did I do to deserve this" sets in.)

What are your 5 top pet peeves involving people:
1. Stupidity (I have a zero tolerance policy)

2. People who are too lazy to clean and live in a filthy house (if you can't clean your house I am 99% sure your not cleaning your ass either)

3. People who show up at my door uninvited to "visit" ( I have some favorite decrepit pajama's not fit for public viewing that I refuse to give up because they are comfy, these I won't even wear to Walmart, drop in on me and it will probably teach you to have the manners to call first)

4. Reformed smokers (I've already discussed this one)

5. Scammers (especially when it's a 17 yr old friend of your children's doing it because they think you are too old and dumb to see right through them. I especially hated the red head that use to come in here like Eddie Haskell and say "Good morning, your looking especially beautiful this morning. I wish you were my Mom." Then go back to The Devil's Advocate's room and say "Hey, let's go someplace and plan a murder",( now I'm not sure he actually said "plan a murder" I could have misheard the exact words but I can't imagine, knowing him, that it didn't ever cross his mind.)

What are 5 funniest things that have been said to you or overheard by you:
1. Your test is positive, you're pregnant (Whoa cowboy, just what were you tripping on when you did that total hysterectomy on me five years ago? Surely you got all the right parts? Are you dyslexic, possibly reading the test backwards or drunk? I have an idea let's check the name on the chart and make sure you even have my chart. He didn't, it belonged to the room next to me.)

2. I was working in an OB clinic and a couple from a foreign country came in and wanted a pregnancy test done. Back then we had to have early morning urine. I told them they would have to come back the next morning to take the test. He shows up the next morning early, alone. Tells me his wife isn't feeling well and he is going to take the test for her. Who am I to argue? I let him pee in a cup, told him he wasn't pregnant but I couldn't tell if his wife was or not until she came in and did the same thing. Hey, it was easier than trying to explain it to him, he didn't speak English well and I didn't speak his language at all.

3. While making arrangements with the priest for Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate's christening, my then 7yr old daughter very seriously looked up at me and said "But Mom, what are we going to do if steam comes off their heads when they sprinkle the water on them?"  I thought it was hysterical, the Priest looked a little frightened.

4. My oldest son, age 2yrs at the time stood up in the pew at church and started playing with the rosary, normally he would have to sit down but he had been very fussy all morning so I was willing to let him do anything to keep him calm, until I hear him yell as loudly as he could "Hang on Jesus, you're going for a ride" while wildly swinging the rosary like a cowboy trying to rope a calf. I should have been embarrassed but I found it so funny I couldn't control my own laughter and had to take him, and myself, out.

5. While at work one day I overheard a patient's elderly wife on the telephone giving the post surgery update to a family member on her husband telling them we had neutered him at 10:00am and he was now in recovery. It took me a minute to figure this one out. We had removed his prostrate gland and somehow she thought this was the equivalent of neutering a dog. I was going to explain it to her but then the thought of her running around telling everyone her husband had been neutered seemed so much more fun that I just let it go.

Name 5 of your most embarrassing moments:
1. I am not from here originally, in other words I am not a native redneck. When I first came here 30 yrs ago my accent was still very strong and not yet corrupted by the southern dialect. I sent my 5 yr old son to school with a note asking "Do I need to provide rubbers for him or does the school provide them?" I was called to the school office the next morning to discuss the note, they were very concerned for my son. I was very confused. It was only after I got there that I realized rubbers are called erasers here. Who knew?

2. Church Christmas play when my daughter was about 4-5 yrs old. Now remember this is the daughter that we argued over after every service because no one wanted to go pick her up from the nursery. We couldn't even bribe the two older ones to go get her for us. She was and still is as unfiltered as I am so there was never a doubt that she had said something, just how bad it was going to be was the iffy part. So they decide to put her in the Christmas play, I warned them, I mean the child already had a reputation at the church did they really think she was going to stand there and quietly do her part for a play when she had a whole audience captured? So there they all were, lined up in brand new suits with red ties and the little girls in red velvet dresses trimmed in lace and fur, including mine. The only difference was mine did the entire play with her dress slung up over her head. At one point turning her back and doing a "booty shake". I was mortified, the whole church was laughing. I ask her afterwards why she did it when she had such a pretty new dress to show off ? Her reply was "Mommy, EVERYONE had new dresses but I had new underwear too and I wanted everyone to see them, I think they liked them."  They had fair warning and she had a good point.

3. My son and I are parked illegally in front of the grocery store waiting for my daughter to run in and pick something up. Yes, the same daughter from the church, the mushroom, the coma, etc. When we are together it is always a race to outdo each other, see who can embarrass who the worst. Not expecting anything, my daughter calmly walks out and about the time she gets to the front of the car she literally throws her body onto the bonnet hood and rolls back down making it look like my son had just hit her with the car. He quickly jumps out, looks all around then runs to the front of the car and drags her limp body to the back, lays her down, opens the boot trunk and "stuffs" her in. Quickly closes the lid, looks around again and jumps back in the drivers seat and takes off. By this time I see several people pulling out cell phones and I am in hysterics just knowing they are calling the police and we are going to be arrested. By the time we were stopped by the police she had of course been released from the trunk and was calmly sitting in the back seat and none of us had any idea what they were talking about. I had to give it to them, that was one of the better ones.

4. My oldest son was and is such a Mamma's boy, but has a great sense of humor (he was the driver in the above incident), when he was 12 I decided to play a trick on him one day and hid in my closet when he came home from school. My intentions were to jump up as soon as he came looking for me and scare him. This might be the reason my children are warped, they had no one to show them what was proper and what wasn't, Mom is usually in on it with them. I will wear my "Bad Mom" badge proudly, at least we have fun. For some unknown reason and totally out of character for him when he came in and called for me and I didn't answer he turned straight around without coming to look for me, goes next door and calls his grandmother, who then calls the police and reports me missing. All this time I am still in the closet stifling giggles just imagining his reaction when he came back to look for me. I really thought he had just gone outside to look for me and would be back. I knew no different until suddenly I hear grown men, who turned out to be police officers, in my house going from room to room calling my name, his grandmother in the background saying over and over "Sweet Jesus let us find her and let her be alive and not murdered". Now what the hell do I do? I can't just stay there, they won't go away they will eventually find me in the closet. Nothing to do but tuck my tail between my legs, sheepishly come out of the closet and confess. Everyone took it pretty good except Grandma.

5. My daughter and I stop in McDonald's for lunch. Suddenly she asks if the manager can come and speak with us. I ask her why and she says, simply, "You will see", I'm sure you have guessed which daughter by now which is why I was very nervous. He comes out and she wants to talk to him about catering her wedding (she didn't even have a boyfriend at the time), he was a little surprised but he was sure they could handle it until she gets to the guest list of 800 and wants Ronald McDonald there to officiate, The Hamburgler to help cut the cake which must be a giant Ronald surrounded by all the other McDonald's character's. Oh and did he think it would be just too over the top if she threw in some Sesame Street characters too? She goes into every little detail she could think of in this pretend wedding with this man. I wanted to kill her before she got her "wedding plans" finished and finally drove the poor manager to the brink and he had to tell her that a wedding that size with that much detail was just out of their scope. She looked at him sweetly, smiled and said "Oh OK, I'll just have a Big Mac for lunch then." It was even worse when the guy felt so bad that he couldn't accommodate her wedding plans that he gave us our lunch for free. Now how many of you want her to come and visit you for a few weeks? What?! No takers, I'm shocked!

Name 5 things that scare you the most:
1. Losing another child

2. Insects (I have such a fear of insects of any kind that I have actually fainted before, several times, when one has gotten on me, but let me tell you I can hit an insect from 16 ft away with a book and hit it every time)

3. The Apocalypse (hey, I'm not prepared, I could never keep that much food in my house without eating on it before it actually happens, there is not enough toilet paper in the world or space to store it to get us through at the rate we use it around here, they won't give me a prescription for 10 billion Klonipin's at one time to get me through, I might be trapped for years with the Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate who talks non stop and are armed with AXE, that scares the fuck out of me, where will I go to fulfill my pajama fetish, who would we eat first if the food runs out, considering my fat layer I'm pretty sure they will choose me, a lot to worry about here! )

4. My car breaking down while I am alone (mostly because half the time I forget to take my cell phone with me when I leave so I can't call my roadside assistance and the only thing I know about cars is they need gas to run. I can literally obsess about this one making myself a nervous wreck the whole time I am gone unless I have my Adam Lambert CD in to distract me. He is very lucky I am not a gay man! I would be all over that and then most likely be arrested for stalking.)

5. Small children (OK, this one may not be an actual fear, more like an intense dislike that makes it fearful to think I might have to be within a 2 mile radius of one)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Totally Random Thoughts

Since I am in the mood to write but all thoughts of a coherent post have had the life force sucked out of me during my restless night of non-sleep. I slept with a pug last night that wanted all three pillows, made eleventy thousand trips to check the front door to see if The Demon Seed was coming home (he wasn't) as he is her usual sleeping partner, decided to eat in the middle of the night making slurping sounds that can only come from a pug and finally fell asleep on my head snoring loudly in my ear. By this time I was afraid to move for fear of waking her up and having the whole process start again that I laid quietly awake in one position on the sofa for hours, at least I was able to reach the remote control. Yes, the pug is in control and she knows it. But it did give me some time for deep thoughts. I also want to go on record and say that I do not agree with The Devil's Advocate when he says I am the only person in town that takes a cup of hot coffee outside in 100 degree temps and sit on my balcony in my Popeye and Olive Oyl pj's at 11:00 am to drink it. I am sure there are more of us out there.

Ramona Singer from The Real Housewives of New York. Is she normal? I really hate to say it but she really needs to be wearing a helmet and being led around on a keeper's leash. Can they really not look at the woman's googly eyes and her body language and not see that something is seriously wrong with her? Even on the rare occasion her mouth is shut those eyes never stop spinning. She scares the fuck out of me. Her husband isn't much better, the fact that the man can wake up to her every morning and not run screaming confuses me. I don't know if I should admire his fortitude or assume he is bat shit crazy too. I'm going with bat shit crazy, something is a little off with that continuous smile of his. Awful to say but she really does make Kelly Bensimon look sane.

Reformed Smokers, not all of them, just the ones that think putting down that last cigarette gave them the right to judge and preach to others. There should be a mandatory ruling that all reformed smokers live on their own island. To me it's simple, if I am outside smoking then don't come and stand right beside me with your nose in the air, coughing and gasping. Move away, the outside is a big area. My mother falls into this category. The woman smoked for 40 yrs and then quit. I'm proud of her for that but seriously does she really need to say to me "I'm surprised you haven't killed one of those kids yet with your secondary smoke." Really? You didn't kill us with yours. She quit one day, developed a severe smoke allergy the next day and by the third day amnesia had set in, wiping out the fact that she had ever been a smoker.

Diet Drinks. Does it really help to drink a Diet Coke while swallowing a Ding Dong whole? I went to a buffet one night with an acquaintance. This woman piled as much food on two plates as she could possibly get, went back to get a third plate to pile the desserts on and then ask for a Diet Coke. Why? Did she really think that Diet Coke was going to cancel out the 23 pounds of food she had on her plates? Better yet the ones that do the same thing and then ask for ice water to drink because it doesn't "have calories" in it. Bitch it isn't the Coke making you gain all that weight, scrape some of that food off your plate, have a real Coke and enjoy your meal! Passing up the Little Debbie aisle at the grocery will go a long way on your weight loss plan too.

Names. I like unusual names, my own children have unusual names. But come on people give the kid a chance to learn to spell it when they go to school! This has been a debate between Rebecca and I for many years. Like me she likes unusual names, unfortunately though she also likes unusual spellings. Out of all her children, there are only two that you could even tell what the child's name is by it's spelling, it still isn't spelled right but at least it is close enough to make it out. I can't tell you how many times the school has called me to come pick up Yucky when her mother was not available. Her name is spelled Yukie but pronounced UKeeah (ladies and gentlemen this is probably the only time you will ever see someone's real name on this blog), the child has gone her whole life being called Yucky, fortunately when she got old enough she learned to tell everyone her name is simply Kia. She has seven children, so Yucky is just an example, five of those seven are just as mispelled, I will be nice and not out them all.  This is why Rebecca was never allowed to help name any of my children, nope, she couldn't even join in the discussion anymore after suggesting "River" and "Lake" which I liked, but I had to ask her just for fun how she would spell them. Her reply was "Reyvr" and "Lach". Turns out I was right all along and Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate fit them much better.

Cleaning up dog shit. Please tell me, if you have your dog on a leash and you know it shit one one side of the potty area why in hell do you go to the other side of the potty area to pick it up after going to the little box and getting the plastic baggie they provide? If your memory is that bad, get the damn bag first and carry it with you. I watch this happen over and over where I live.

Why is this stupid man is struggling to push the baby stroller in the grass beside the sidewalk, giving the poor child whiplash. Why not walk on the sidewalk? Are we not suppose to walk on the sidewalk? I must check the lease.

Why does The Demon Seed have only 2 subjects he will willingly sit down and talk to you about? Game systems and computers, not playing them, but building them or modding them.  At best your going to get 15 minutes from him. Yet, his brother The Devil's Advocate has about 666 subjects he is willing to sit down and talk about for hours and hours, to the point you catch yourself looking around for something, anything that could be used as a gag.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Unfortunately For Jay Fallen...The Email Arrived

I hate it for you Jay but today I received yet another email from my new best friend, Shelley. I think we may be bonding, or she is just stupid and didn't get the concept of what I was trying to convey to her in my last reply. Here is today's mail from her and my response back. Consider this your warning, I will be discussing feminine hygiene products.

Hi there Shea!

Just wanted to make sure you saw my note below about Fragrance Free Day, this Friday, August 10th? I thought your readers might be interested in participating in our live Twitter chat with our panel of green experts from 1-2 pm on Friday.

I'm including the press release for the event below. You can also visit SeaYu's blog for more information:


My New BFF Shelley,
 I did see and respond to your "note", I'm not sure where "below" is, living in the south I only know where "over yonder" is, but I did find it in my email box,  and it wasn't under a damn thing. Did you mean to hide it under something and the email God's moved it? If so, I apologize for that.

At any rate, we have already discussed why it isn't good for me to join Fragrance Free Day and apparently you missed my blog post on my twitting tweets with my twat. It has proven to be even harder than it sounded, sometimes when something isn't used for a while it doesn't always respond. I may have to retrain it. Unfortunately I don't think I can get enough lessons in between now and the 10th so it is doubtful I will be twat tweeting with you. My readers, however are free to tweet with you at their own discretion, it may hard for a couple of them considering they don't have twats to tweet with. I would have thought with our new found friendship you would have read my post and understand my issue with tweeting. If your going to be my new best friend by sending me these constant emails you gotta get with it girl and keep up with my blog!

I did notice that this time you sent me a link for odor and stain remover. Does that by any chance work on teenage boys? I mean I really am in the market for something, anything, to replace the overwhelming vapor of AXE that wafts through my house after showers. So if it can be used as a body wash, deodorant and body spray then we might have a deal.

Can this also be used as a douche? I am a little picky about my scent. I much prefer the fresh scents of the ocean or clean linen even a light flowery smell is fine. I just don't want to be standing in line at Walmart and have everyone around me looking around to see where the Lysol odor is coming from only to discover it is coming from my crotch. That would just open up a whole dialogue I just really wouldn't want to engage in while standing in the cashier's line.

Also your tweeting time from 1:00-2:00 poses a slight problem for me. That is the time for my second Klonopin dose of the day and to deal with tweeting on twitter I would have to wash it down with some Tequila which would highly enhance the effects of the medication, rendering anything I might possibly bring to the discussion a little iffy. Hell, I have trouble filtering when sober, as I'm sure you have guessed by now. I fear with my Klonopin on board and the Tequila I might possibly be able to take down your whole company with a few misplaced comments. I do appreciate the invite though and hope you keep me in mind for any future events your company might have.

I will eagerly await your response to my questions.  Your concern for my family's hygiene truly touches my heart.

Love ya like a sister girl,

Monday, August 6, 2012

Tweeting Twats On Twitter

So my Pug Slut group, yes we are all sluts that own pugs, pretty much says it all. Anyway we have decided we are exchanging tweet names. Not ever having caught the tweet bug like so many have after signing up for it so long ago that I can't even remember when, I also no longer remembered my username and password so I had to get a new account. I am now the confused, owner of a twitter account. Do I know anything about it? Hell no. I can post a tweet and respond to one, that is the extent of my knowledge. I may not even be doing that I may be buying vacuum cleaners in cyberspace for all I know.

I don't know what to tweet on my twitter and do I use my twat to tweet? What about those of the other gender that don't have twats to tweet with? See just how serious owning a twitter account can be? If I do need use my twat to tweet then I am going to need some intensive lessons, that whole unused for a long time thing coming back to haunt me again.

Then there is the little matter of cussing. Can I cuss on twitter when I tweet? Because we all know I won't be able to tweet if can't cuss. I will be in Twitter Jail, I'm sure somewhere there is a Twitter Jail, I'm mean this twitter business is some serious shit here. Twitter people are rabid, they fire off messages faster than I can down a Klonopin and that is pretty damn fast. I have decided that Twitter is a talent, developed over many hours.

Then there is trending and hashtags. It's a whole other world out there. I imagine an underground empire of people who do nothing but tweet all day and night and eventually it spreads until it infects those of us still above ground. Are we in danger? Will the underground Twitters eventually get to us and move us underground with them? Confession: As long as they have good food down there and a pipe line to a few of my favorite fast food restaurants, that isn't a big concern of mine, I like it dark anyway.

What do you tweet about all day? I mean I am pretty boring. Do they really care that I just took a shit, or that I just put ribs in to marinate for dinner or that I am watching the latest low budget reality show that Bravo has put out this week? Upon reading some tweets I have decided that people do care about those very things and yet I still feel strange tweeting "Just fixed myself a glass of tea, put lemon it it, YUM!"

So much to learn about this Twitter but the bird is cute.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Rockin' Blogger Award

We all know I am horrible at folling directions for these awards, although I do appreciate the awards. This one is fairly simple, I might actually be able to handle the rules:

The rules are simple:

★Accept the award.
★Pass The Award To Other Rockin' Bloggers (since I think everyone rocks I am passing it on to everyone)
★Come Back To Rockin' Blogger Award and Link Your Blog!

Klonopin, Cupcakes and Baby Showers.

It is now only 11:45 am, late to some but early for me. I can't imagine anything else that could possibly happen to make my day even greater!

It started out with an epic medication fail, the sleeping pills didn't work for some reason and I didn't fall asleep until 3:00 am and promptly woke back up at 6:00 am. After laying there for at least 20 minutes bitching out the doctor, the medication and just about anything or anyone else I could think of (my Chupacabra Chihuahua is a very good listener, he even rolls his eyes at the right time) I looked over and discovered the reason for the medication's failure to do it's job. There it sat smiling at me on my nightstand. Probably wondering why they don't just lock me away somewhere since I am obviously not capable of caring for myself if I forget to take my medication.

I roll over to get out of bed with full intentions of taking the little bastard and going back to bed. Immediately both feet are attacked by something cold, squishy and wet. Dog vomit. I remember wondering last night when I gave the Chupacabra a bite of my sandwich if it would upset his stomach, now I know. It does. But for God's sake it's a big room, he could have vomited anyplace in that damn room and he chooses the one place I will step in the minute I wake up. By the time I wiped my feet off on my wonderful snowflake robe so as to not track it across the carpet, take a shower and throw the robe in the washer I am no longer in the mood to take the smiling pill.

I decide instead to just fix me a coffee candy bar, that's what my friend calls my coffee. You see I don't like the taste of coffee but love the taste of Coffee Mate so this is what my cup looks like before the coffee is put in:

Not enough Coffee Mate. Another round of bitching but I decide to make the evil brew anyway. I thought I would go sit on the porch with my witches's brew, smoke a cigarette and calm down. It worked fairly well in the 98 degree temp until I got too hot and decided to come back inside.

The door won't open. I have locked my idiot self out of the house. I have no hidden outside key because my FBI brother goes into hysterics every time I even mention it. It's quite possible that I can recite every case in the United States where someone was murdered or raped by the perp finding the hidden outside key, believe me, I have heard them all. Still this shouldn't be much of a problem since there are two teenage boys and two dogs in the house. I know the boys aren't going to wake up by hearing the doorbell but I know those two howler monkey dogs will. They will raise a ruckus that could wake the entire neighborhood. I ring the bell. Nothing. I ring the bell over and over again. Still nothing, not one single little peep from those traitor dogs! They always bark at the doorbell so then I convince myself that something horrible has happened to them while I was outside and then I realize I can hear the pug sniffing at the bottom of the door. So I go through my whole very high pitched voice "games" that will usually get her to barking. Nothing. No reaction except from a few neighbors who wonder why the hell I am outside in my pajamas talking to the bottom of my door in a high pitched voice. I think maybe if I get down to her level (cause she can see through doors, right?) she might respond. As I put my coffee cup down on the patio table I also realize that I have my cell phone in my hand. That is my saving ticket, while these boys might sleep through anything else you just let one of their cell phones even start to ring and they are wide awake and on it. Finally, I get in the house and give both dogs a proper snubbing and head for the Klonopin bottle. By now I need more than a little sunshine and a cup of coffee to calm me down. I am really worse off because I actually had to put some coffee in my Coffee Mate this morning.

Then my mother calls to express her "opinion" on mine and Rebecca's decision to share a house and expenses, giving us both extra money and getting her at least an hour away from her leeching children who now all live within 5 minutes of her and on a daily basis drop of one child or another, sometimes more than one for her to babysit while they run and pay the water/gas/power, etc. and it always takes them at the very least 10 hours to pay that one bill. They drop in to borrow $10 here, $20 there always going to pay it back on payday. She never sees the money again and living on a fixed income it leaves her broke because she doesn't know the meaning of the word "No". All of this is exactly why I have chosen to live an hour from my children, it isn't convenient to just "pop in" and leech when you have to drive an hour in traffic to do it and then another hour to get back home. Anyway, my mother isn't happy with this decision, but she is never happy with any decision I make so that is no big surprise. Everything I do has always been "not enough" or "too much", but never "right". Which is why I just don't listen to her and do what I want anyway. But she can try my patience in the meantime with her "opinions" on it all. So she is bitching, I am half listening while reading the paper and then I hear her ask "Just how well do you know this person anyway?" As soon as I could close my mouth I answered that she knew very well that I had known Rebecca for 30 yrs, that she herself has known Rebecca for 30 yrs having met her many, many times over the years. Then she asks "How do you know you can live with her?", I am almost at a loss for words when it hits me just what to say to shut her up "I know I can live with her because she has to powder her wuss after she showers, you can't know that about someone and not know them well enough to share a house with them." Then she throws out the best one she has come up with to date: "What if it makes you a Lesbanese?" WTF is a Lesbanese? Then it hits me what she is trying to say, in her world a Lesbanese is a Lesbian. Because we want to live in the same house to share expenses might make us lesbians or Lesbanese's, whichever way you want to look at it? I am by now laughing hysterically and thinking of all the ways I could torture her with that one single comment she made. I assured her we were both straight but had not ruled out being Sister Wives or Hookers to make extra money. She then hung up. By now my head is pounding so not only am I in need of Klonopin I need to find the Tylenol too.

I can't find the Klonopin bottle. I search for 30 minutes, in every little nook and cranny in this place. No bottle. I check the freezer because I have a habit of sitting things down while I get something out of the freezer and then leaving it there so that is usually where I find missing things and it isn't there either. This calls for an everybody out of bed, full blown swat team type house search. I know in my heart that I will not make it through this wretched day and no one I come into contact with will be left standing if I don't find that bottle. The day has barely started and I already want to kill or maim everyone who looks in my direction, imagine what it will be like by afternoon? It takes approximately 20 seconds for The Devil's Advocate to find it under the bed skirt of my bed where it had fallen off the nightstand and rolled under the bed skirt. With a parting shot of "Mom, start with the obvious places first, the flower bed outside was not an obvious place to start, start from the closest place to the scene where you last remember or saw the object and work your way outward, when you don't know what perimeter your working with you only waste time doing it any other way." Scene? What scene? This isn't a fucking murder it's just a missing bottle of pills! Mouthy brat, I have got to keep him away from all the FBI agents in my family, they are corrupting him. I quickly down the Klonopin, an extra dose since I have already missed one this morning.

I'm starting to feel calm, very calm for the first time all day and then my phone rings. It's Rebecca to ask me if I have the cupcakes finished yet. Cupcakes? What cupcakes? Now she becomes hysterical, "The cupcakes you were suppose to make and decorate for the baby shower this afternoon!" Please tell me you didn't forget them?" I can't lie to her, she would know in a heart beat, she knows me to well. No problem I got this, I have to bake and decorate four dozen cupcakes for a baby shower for a pregnant 14 yr old. Now this is Rebecca's granddaughter and we both have had issues with this baby shower since the m o t h e r (that's the only way I know of typing mother when I mean it loosely) planned it, it almost feels like we are saying "Yes, let's go out and have a party because you got yourself knocked up at 14 yrs old and guess what? We are giving you all kinds of gifts for it too! How cool is that?" The fact that no one is going to show up in the first place because neither the girl or her parents(Rebecca's son and daughter-in-law) have any friends because as Rebecca says "Being assholes runs deep in that family and not a one of them is smart enough to realize that the way they act is why no one likes them" makes it even harder. All that money the parents are putting out for this big baby shower they have planned for 50 people when only about 4 are going to show up, two of which are the girls parents the other two being myself and Rebecca is ridiculous. Why not keep that money you are spending on the shower and just buy what the baby is going to need on your way back from the Health Department to pick up a bag of condoms for her? Now that is the gift she really needs. Oh and a quick stop by Home Depot for some screws to screw her window shut wouldn't hurt either since she is so fond of climbing out said window to meet "baby daddy".

Dear God the cupcakes! I made them, I decorated them. They all look like they have a small light tan baby turd on top of the blue icing, it was suppose to be a pacifier. DO NOT ever decorate cupcakes while under the influence. It just isn't going to work out well for you. Upon looking at the cupcakes and laughing like fools we decide to go to the bakery and get some bakery boxes to put them in, that way we can apologize and say we bought them at the bakery and they are the ones that screwed them up.

So I'm off now to this waste of time and money baby shower so the five of us can sit and stare at each other and talk about how bad the bakery messed up the cupcakes. They can wonder why no one showed up and Rebecca can give me the evil eye so I won't tell them why no one showed up, she knows how much I dislike her son's wife, mostly because she dislikes her more than I do, and how I live for moments to let her know how much I dislike her. Rebecca just has better control of her mouth than I do, plus she might rat me out on the cupcakes.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Just My Kind Of Email To Answer!

I received this email this morning and I don't know why it strikes me as so funny. Is our world so fucked up that this is one of the major things we have to worry about?

Hi there Shea–

I thought you might want to let your readers know about the 3rd Annual Fragrance Free Day happening next Friday, August 10th, hosted by SeaYu.

The Environmental Protection Association (EPA) states that fragranced products like air fresheners, fabric refreshers and traditional cleaning products contribute to poor indoors air quality, which can lead to health issues, especially for pets with their faster metabolisms and respiratory systems, and close proximity to the ground.

Fragrance Free Day helps raise awareness about the dangers of fragrances in personal care and household products by giving people the chance to go “fragrance free” for one day. That means no perfumes, colognes, scented lotions or harsh cleaning products with added fragrances for one full day!

On Fragrance Free Day (August 10th), SeaYu will be hosting a live Twitter chat from 1:00 PM – 2:00 PM EST using hashtag #fragrancefreeday. Participants can get all their questions and concerns about fragranced products answered by a panel of experts including:

-Quincy Yu, Founder of SeaYu and green living expert

-Dr. Patrick Mahaney, Veterinarian, Certified Veterinary Acupuncturist

-Dr. Stephan Ziman, organic chemist

I thought you might help us spread the word about Fragrance Free Day using your social channels (Twitter, Facebook and of course, your blog!). And be sure to join the conversation on Twitter using the hashtag #fragrancefreeday!

Let me know if I can provide any more information.

Thanks so much!

I am so tempted to join the conversation, all I can see is a bunch of sitting ducks just waiting to answer some of the questions I could come up with. But for once I will filter my mouth.....maybe. I can't promise anything.

I did however feel compelled to answer the email:

My Dearest Shelley,
Fortunately you have decided to have your little pow wow via computer, I can't even imagine being in a room full of people using no deodorant in this heat wave.

First I want you to understand, I love my dogs, I love my dogs almost as much as I love my children and on many days I love them more than I love my children, dogs are much easier to train and better behaved. So you see, you can deduct from that comment that I am a flexible person. However, there are some things I am very rigid on, personal hygiene being in the top five of my list.

I also want to thank you for your "personalized" greeting calling me by name, almost like we are close, personal friends. But that is also the one thing that told me is you really don't know me or you would know I am raising the Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate, children of the devil. Trust me when I tell you that 17 yr old boys are simply not good candidates for your Fragrance Free Day. While I realize that Axe deodorant and body spray are not the most pleasant fragrance you can encounter, it is much better than a 17 yr old's body sweat. We will not mention the socks and sneakers, I don't have the stomach for it. If I even told The Devil's Advocate he had to go without his Axe I am afraid he would open the portal and bring all his demon friends to attack as they all use it too. It quite possibly is the only thing they have found to rid them of that sulfar smell they get while visiting their father, Satan. I am quite sure there isn't anything else on the market today stronger than Axe.

Moving on to myself, I have rituals. These may have overtones of OCD, I'm sure a good psychiatrist would tell you they do. But they are non-negotiable. I have to bath everyday and no one, not even your Fragrance Free Day security could take away my scented Oil of Olay Age Defying soap or my Pantene scented shampoo and conditioner. Then there is this little matter of the after bath ritual and again in pure OCD fashion not one single step can be skipped or I would need more Klonopin than I am already on. I have to use my scented deodorant, my scented bath powder and my perfume. If I don't then I don't feel "clean", try to take that away and I might pull out a Glock on you. I am a very good shot so how about we just leave my rituals alone?

Your concern for my air freshner is appreciated although not needed. You see mine is automatic and mounted close to the ceiling, so rest assured that both my animals are way under the spray zone now that I have moved the horses out of the house. Now don't you feel a little silly for getting all worked up over nothing? I almost feel silly for you.

Oh and as for cleaning my house, what is the point of cleaning it if it doesn't smell clean? Just sayin', could be a personal opinion and I am the only person in the world that feels that way. I am willing to own my feelings and live with the consequences.

While, again, I appreciate your concern about my using fragrances and my personal hygiene, please don't write to me about it again or I will be forced to discuss douching products with you and so far I am very proud of myself for leaving that out of this reply. It is against my nature to ignore such an important subject.

Now if you will excuse me I am going to go blow my nose on those delightfully scented new tissues I bought this morning at the grocery, you should try them some time. But just to keep your anxiety levels down and to participate in some small way to your Fragrance Free Day I promise I WILL NOT, under any circumstances, let my dogs blow their noses with them.

Sincerly, your friend Shea