Sunday, August 19, 2012
We pull up and of course I am armed with my headphones, music on my phone and my book. I really wanted to wear the full face helmet I ride the Harley with my friend but he kept telling me it was overkill. He, I might add, did not have to go to this horrible place full of horrible children. As soon as you walk into the downstairs door you are bombarded with murals of jungle animals. That could be insight on the dentists point, a kind of warning so to speak. These murals follow you all the way up the stairs the closer you get to the top the louder it gets. Your stomach starts to sink because you just know you aren't going to be blessed with an appointment where no one else is there or even just one or two of the little creatures. As soon as you open that double door and walk in your assaulted by sound. I swear to God it looked like someone had just stepped on an ant bed and the ants were running everywhere. Immediately, The Devil's Advocate says "Mom, be nice, try not to insult anyone in here until we get done and back to the car, once we are gone you can do what you want". He has no faith in my ability to control myself. The Demon Seed says "Your wasting your breath, just get prepared she won't be able to hold out that long" I did really well all the way to the reception desk, I pushed down the urge to step on any little ants that got in front of me and didn't say one bad thing to them. It didn't last long. At the reception desk, I checked them in and the fun started. At least for the ants. While standing there checking them in one starts clutching at my legs with the nasty fingernails and dirtiest face I have ever seen. I wasn't really mean about it, I simply said......OK so I said it loudly, "Honey, I think you need to go find Mommy, she may have plans on cleaning you up a little before you go visit the nice dentist." Still proud because I had called the dentist nice and didn't scare the child. The entire waiting room is decorated for children. Do they not realize grown people have to actually bring those ants in? I'm not very tall at 5'1" so the low benches weren't all that bad. But Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate are 6'2" tall, it was a struggle for them but they did look rather cute sitting there with their knees up to their chins. I wanted to take a picture of them but I have a pink rhinestone cover on my phone and I was afraid the creatures running loose would see something shiny and attack in an attempt to gain control of it. It would have gotten nasty because NO ONE is going to take away my fantasy that I look just like Paris Hilton when I carry it. The boys know it's coming so they don't want to sit on the same midget bench as I am. Silly boys, like I can't make my voice carry across a room of screaming ants if I want to embarrass them. Instead I just squeezed in between them, hey, they are a lot bigger and we could quickly see safety was going to a concern, I wanted protection.
The ants just kept streaming in the door as if following an invisible line of cookie crumbs. I counted them at one time out of sheer boredom. 32 ants in the room, running , screaming, fighting, coming up to you wanting you to read to them. I must have been in there on "dirty kid day", I swear out of all those ants there was maybe only two of them that I would have taken out in public, let alone to the dentist. I was forced to tell two of them that would not leave me alone that all the animals on the wall came alive and ate them if the kids didn't sit with their parents and be quiet. They quickly scrambled back to Mom and Dad's lap. Well Dad's lap, I don't think Mom had actually seen her lap in many years so she only had knees to sit on. Two down, thirty to go. I don't even want to hear how cruel I am, it was a matter of survival at that point and to be honest I would not have cared if the animals did eat them.
I put my headphones in, it didn't drown out the noise but did give me some cover for calling them all names under my breath, they thought I was silently singing along with the song. Then one little ant ran up and pulled off my headphones so to preserve them I put them back in my purse while quietly telling the child that the dentist really didn't like little kids with the name of Melissa and had made that day "Hurt All Melissa's Day" (I had heard her parents call her this about a thousand times by then) so I hope he wasn't too hard on her back there. Her Mom apologized and I informed her that I thought Melissa and I had an understanding and were all good with each other now.
I go to reception and ask how much longer was it going to be so I could plan my admission to the mental ward of the local hospital for immediately after. She tells me about another hour. I inform her that any longer than 30 minutes and she was going to have to take me in the back and share some of that nitrous oxide that I knew they were not just giving to the children, there is no physically possible way to work in that place without running back for a hit of the nitrous at least once an hour. She promised me 30 minutes or a hit off the nitrous.
I go back to "patiently" wait for that 30 minutes to pass when the door open and in SHE comes. I thought there was something familiar about the child even though I couldn't see her face because of the dirty matted hair that covered it, and the goosebumps on my arms tell me I have reason to fear her. Then Demon Seed leans over and says "Hey look, it's the girl from the movie "The Ring!" This child even walked like the little girl in that movie, all joking aside she was a creepy ass little kid. Of course this is when they call mine to the back. I was wanting to grab each ones leg and scream " No, don't leave me here, I think I rewound the DVR a couple of times last night and I know I gave a movie to the neighbor to watch!" Instead I curled up in a fetal position on the midget bench and didn't take my eyes off of her, praying for the dentist to hurry and call me back to discuss the exams.
Then my kidney's kick in and I have to go to the bathroom. I know I shouldn't have left the book there but I couldn't hold my purse, the book and feel my way along the wall while keeping my back to it so I wouldn't have to take my eyes of the Ring Girl at the same time. While in the bathroom a baby, kind of hard to get mad at a 12 month old, real easy to get mad at the Mom that watched him do it, chewed the entire corner off of my hardbound book while I was in the bathroom. Not just a little nibble or two the damn kid literally ate a corner of the book. So I kept quite when I saw the child next to her dig through her purse while she is dealing with the baby, come out with lipstick and paint the bench and her own clothes and face with Mom's Monkey Butt Red lipstick. I rather enjoyed it actually.
Finally the God's shined upon me and I was called to the back. I am told how beautiful their teeth are, how perfectly straight and in alignment with the jaw and how fortunate that they had and never will needed braces. The Devil's Advocate's filling is filled so all is good there. Demon Seed has to have the baby tooth pulled that refuses to come out on the 30th. Both are sparkly clean and after the 30th I will have a full 6 months before I have to come back. Next time I am coming armed with hockey sticks, knee and elbow pads and asking for the "Clean Kid Day" for appointments and can they please just give me my shot of nitrous oxide as soon as I walk in instead of waiting until things escalate. We get our bag of goodies and the boys head for the car, afraid some other child might approach me and knowing I was at the breaking point to make a scene. They didn't want to be present. Then the assistant comes running from the back telling me the boys forgot their hats and hands me two brand new local team popular baseball hats. I think to myself that the dentist has really stepped up on the goodies and wondering if I can lie about their ages so they don't have to move next door to the adult side in eight months.
I get in the car, for once I am allowed to drive and get half way home before I remember the hats in the bag. I tell them both that the dentist gave them hats this time too. They open the bag and said "Uh, Mom, they made a mistake, we saw the man and his kid next to us wearing these hats, they must have forgot them and just thought they were ours" I told them both I was NOT going backing to the well where the Ring Girl was and to enjoy their new hats. In unison they both say "But Mom, they belong to someone!" I, of course,wanting them always to do the right thing said: "Of course they do, they belong to you, now put the fuckers on, smile and show off those beautiful teeth! He probably isn't brave enough to go back and get them anyway." I stepped on the gas to pick up speed just in case he might be following us to reclaim those hats.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
If I ever have to take two 17 yr olds to the dentist at the same time again would you please just come and take me in my sleep the night before?
One is whining because he has a cavity to be filled and the other one doesn't. One is complaining because he has to floss and brush before going. His reasoning is "They are going to clean them anyway so what is the point?" Because I need to cover my ass is why. I fed you both sugared donuts and Jalapeno flavored cheese puffs for breakfast and McDonald's for lunch so just brush and floss for God's sake! I don't need a lecture this afternoon. The Demon Seed isn't a big talker so I can probably count on him. At best they will only get a couple of grunts out of him. There isn't enough sedation in the world to shut up The Devil's Advocate, on any subject, so he will delight in naming off all the junk food I have allowed him to consume in the name of sanity in the last 6 months. With that one I will just consider it a win if he doesn't tell on me too.
I plan on taking a book to hide behind, maybe sit on the other side of the waiting room and pretend I don't know them. I am even prepared to roll my eyes along with others waiting when I hear one of them loudly proclaim to the other one as if they were hard of hearing " Damn that ugly tree fucked her up bad!" when a new patient comes in. I might even mumble something about their poor mother just to make it seem more realistic.
I have put this off as long as possible so I really have to run for now. All hope that the dental office has burned to the ground and all appointments are cancelled until they rebuild is gone.
Pray for me.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Five Question Friday-Link up and play along!
I love a rainy night
I love to hear the thunder
Watch the lightning
When it lights up the sky
You know it makes me feel good
Thursday, August 9, 2012
What are the 5 scariest things you have ever heard from a doctor:
1. "I'm sorry, we lost your son's heart beat, we can't do anything else" (It was on my birthday)
2. "Your daughter is in a coma and has less than 1% chance of making it, we have done all we can, if she does survive she will most likely be in a permanent vegetative state" (He was so wrong, this child in now in her third year of nursing school and carrying a 4.0, you would never know she had been this close to death She was 18 yrs old at the time)
3. "Well, it's a poisonous mushroom, but we can't identify it and it appears she ate the whole thing ( child from number 2 again, I swear I am not trying to kill this child! They finally did identify the mushroom by calling in a botonist, pumped out her stomach and gave her an antidote and she was fine. She was 14 months old at the time)
4. "We think it is cancer and need to remove it right away. (This was Demon Seed last summer, it wasn't cancer but we didn't know it wasn't for 6 weeks, he had an abscess pressing against his heart and lungs caused from the virus Cat Scratch Fever, ironic since we have no cats, so a minor biopsy turned into major surgery that had him in isolation all last summer with an open surgical wound that had to be unpacked and packed daily. Do you have any idea how much fun being in isolation with a teenager is, especially one who has also been told he can't use his AXE until the wound closes in 2-3 months?)
5. "It's male twins and they are identical. (OH FUCK, that is all you can think of when hearing this news, actually that's the only thought that goes through your head for the whole next week then "What did I do to deserve this" sets in.)
What are your 5 top pet peeves involving people:
1. Stupidity (I have a zero tolerance policy)
2. People who are too lazy to clean and live in a filthy house (if you can't clean your house I am 99% sure your not cleaning your ass either)
3. People who show up at my door uninvited to "visit" ( I have some favorite decrepit pajama's not fit for public viewing that I refuse to give up because they are comfy, these I won't even wear to Walmart, drop in on me and it will probably teach you to have the manners to call first)
4. Reformed smokers (I've already discussed this one)
5. Scammers (especially when it's a 17 yr old friend of your children's doing it because they think you are too old and dumb to see right through them. I especially hated the red head that use to come in here like Eddie Haskell and say "Good morning, your looking especially beautiful this morning. I wish you were my Mom." Then go back to The Devil's Advocate's room and say "Hey, let's go someplace and plan a murder",( now I'm not sure he actually said "plan a murder" I could have misheard the exact words but I can't imagine, knowing him, that it didn't ever cross his mind.)
What are 5 funniest things that have been said to you or overheard by you:
1. Your test is positive, you're pregnant (Whoa cowboy, just what were you tripping on when you did that total hysterectomy on me five years ago? Surely you got all the right parts? Are you dyslexic, possibly reading the test backwards or drunk? I have an idea let's check the name on the chart and make sure you even have my chart. He didn't, it belonged to the room next to me.)
2. I was working in an OB clinic and a couple from a foreign country came in and wanted a pregnancy test done. Back then we had to have early morning urine. I told them they would have to come back the next morning to take the test. He shows up the next morning early, alone. Tells me his wife isn't feeling well and he is going to take the test for her. Who am I to argue? I let him pee in a cup, told him he wasn't pregnant but I couldn't tell if his wife was or not until she came in and did the same thing. Hey, it was easier than trying to explain it to him, he didn't speak English well and I didn't speak his language at all.
3. While making arrangements with the priest for Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate's christening, my then 7yr old daughter very seriously looked up at me and said "But Mom, what are we going to do if steam comes off their heads when they sprinkle the water on them?" I thought it was hysterical, the Priest looked a little frightened.
4. My oldest son, age 2yrs at the time stood up in the pew at church and started playing with the rosary, normally he would have to sit down but he had been very fussy all morning so I was willing to let him do anything to keep him calm, until I hear him yell as loudly as he could "Hang on Jesus, you're going for a ride" while wildly swinging the rosary like a cowboy trying to rope a calf. I should have been embarrassed but I found it so funny I couldn't control my own laughter and had to take him, and myself, out.
5. While at work one day I overheard a patient's elderly wife on the telephone giving the post surgery update to a family member on her husband telling them we had neutered him at 10:00am and he was now in recovery. It took me a minute to figure this one out. We had removed his prostrate gland and somehow she thought this was the equivalent of neutering a dog. I was going to explain it to her but then the thought of her running around telling everyone her husband had been neutered seemed so much more fun that I just let it go.
Name 5 of your most embarrassing moments:
1. I am not from here originally, in other words I am not a native redneck. When I first came here 30 yrs ago my accent was still very strong and not yet corrupted by the southern dialect. I sent my 5 yr old son to school with a note asking "Do I need to provide rubbers for him or does the school provide them?" I was called to the school office the next morning to discuss the note, they were very concerned for my son. I was very confused. It was only after I got there that I realized rubbers are called erasers here. Who knew?
2. Church Christmas play when my daughter was about 4-5 yrs old. Now remember this is the daughter that we argued over after every service because no one wanted to go pick her up from the nursery. We couldn't even bribe the two older ones to go get her for us. She was and still is as unfiltered as I am so there was never a doubt that she had said something, just how bad it was going to be was the iffy part. So they decide to put her in the Christmas play, I warned them, I mean the child already had a reputation at the church did they really think she was going to stand there and quietly do her part for a play when she had a whole audience captured? So there they all were, lined up in brand new suits with red ties and the little girls in red velvet dresses trimmed in lace and fur, including mine. The only difference was mine did the entire play with her dress slung up over her head. At one point turning her back and doing a "booty shake". I was mortified, the whole church was laughing. I ask her afterwards why she did it when she had such a pretty new dress to show off ? Her reply was "Mommy, EVERYONE had new dresses but I had new underwear too and I wanted everyone to see them, I think they liked them." They had fair warning and she had a good point.
3. My son and I are parked illegally in front of the grocery store waiting for my daughter to run in and pick something up. Yes, the same daughter from the church, the mushroom, the coma, etc. When we are together it is always a race to outdo each other, see who can embarrass who the worst. Not expecting anything, my daughter calmly walks out and about the time she gets to the front of the car she literally throws her body onto the
4. My oldest son was and is such a Mamma's boy, but has a great sense of humor (he was the driver in the above incident), when he was 12 I decided to play a trick on him one day and hid in my closet when he came home from school. My intentions were to jump up as soon as he came looking for me and scare him. This might be the reason my children are warped, they had no one to show them what was proper and what wasn't, Mom is usually in on it with them. I will wear my "Bad Mom" badge proudly, at least we have fun. For some unknown reason and totally out of character for him when he came in and called for me and I didn't answer he turned straight around without coming to look for me, goes next door and calls his grandmother, who then calls the police and reports me missing. All this time I am still in the closet stifling giggles just imagining his reaction when he came back to look for me. I really thought he had just gone outside to look for me and would be back. I knew no different until suddenly I hear grown men, who turned out to be police officers, in my house going from room to room calling my name, his grandmother in the background saying over and over "Sweet Jesus let us find her and let her be alive and not murdered". Now what the hell do I do? I can't just stay there, they won't go away they will eventually find me in the closet. Nothing to do but tuck my tail between my legs, sheepishly come out of the closet and confess. Everyone took it pretty good except Grandma.
5. My daughter and I stop in McDonald's for lunch. Suddenly she asks if the manager can come and speak with us. I ask her why and she says, simply, "You will see", I'm sure you have guessed which daughter by now which is why I was very nervous. He comes out and she wants to talk to him about catering her wedding (she didn't even have a boyfriend at the time), he was a little surprised but he was sure they could handle it until she gets to the guest list of 800 and wants Ronald McDonald there to officiate, The Hamburgler to help cut the cake which must be a giant Ronald surrounded by all the other McDonald's character's. Oh and did he think it would be just too over the top if she threw in some Sesame Street characters too? She goes into every little detail she could think of in this pretend wedding with this man. I wanted to kill her before she got her "wedding plans" finished and finally drove the poor manager to the brink and he had to tell her that a wedding that size with that much detail was just out of their scope. She looked at him sweetly, smiled and said "Oh OK, I'll just have a Big Mac for lunch then." It was even worse when the guy felt so bad that he couldn't accommodate her wedding plans that he gave us our lunch for free. Now how many of you want her to come and visit you for a few weeks? What?! No takers, I'm shocked!
Name 5 things that scare you the most:
1. Losing another child
2. Insects (I have such a fear of insects of any kind that I have actually fainted before, several times, when one has gotten on me, but let me tell you I can hit an insect from 16 ft away with a book and hit it every time)
3. The Apocalypse (hey, I'm not prepared, I could never keep that much food in my house without eating on it before it actually happens, there is not enough toilet paper in the world or space to store it to get us through at the rate we use it around here, they won't give me a prescription for 10 billion Klonipin's at one time to get me through, I might be trapped for years with the Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate who talks non stop and are armed with AXE, that scares the fuck out of me, where will I go to fulfill my pajama fetish, who would we eat first if the food runs out, considering my fat layer I'm pretty sure they will choose me, a lot to worry about here! )
4. My car breaking down while I am alone (mostly because half the time I forget to take my cell phone with me when I leave so I can't call my roadside assistance and the only thing I know about cars is they need gas to run. I can literally obsess about this one making myself a nervous wreck the whole time I am gone unless I have my Adam Lambert CD in to distract me. He is very lucky I am not a gay man! I would be all over that and then most likely be arrested for stalking.)
5. Small children (OK, this one may not be an actual fear, more like an intense dislike that makes it fearful to think I might have to be within a 2 mile radius of one)
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Ramona Singer from The Real Housewives of New York. Is she normal? I really hate to say it but she really needs to be wearing a helmet and being led around on a keeper's leash. Can they really not look at the woman's googly eyes and her body language and not see that something is seriously wrong with her? Even on the rare occasion her mouth is shut those eyes never stop spinning. She scares the fuck out of me. Her husband isn't much better, the fact that the man can wake up to her every morning and not run screaming confuses me. I don't know if I should admire his fortitude or assume he is bat shit crazy too. I'm going with bat shit crazy, something is a little off with that continuous smile of his. Awful to say but she really does make Kelly Bensimon look sane.
Reformed Smokers, not all of them, just the ones that think putting down that last cigarette gave them the right to judge and preach to others. There should be a mandatory ruling that all reformed smokers live on their own island. To me it's simple, if I am outside smoking then don't come and stand right beside me with your nose in the air, coughing and gasping. Move away, the outside is a big area. My mother falls into this category. The woman smoked for 40 yrs and then quit. I'm proud of her for that but seriously does she really need to say to me "I'm surprised you haven't killed one of those kids yet with your secondary smoke." Really? You didn't kill us with yours. She quit one day, developed a severe smoke allergy the next day and by the third day amnesia had set in, wiping out the fact that she had ever been a smoker.
Diet Drinks. Does it really help to drink a Diet Coke while swallowing a Ding Dong whole? I went to a buffet one night with an acquaintance. This woman piled as much food on two plates as she could possibly get, went back to get a third plate to pile the desserts on and then ask for a Diet Coke. Why? Did she really think that Diet Coke was going to cancel out the 23 pounds of food she had on her plates? Better yet the ones that do the same thing and then ask for ice water to drink because it doesn't "have calories" in it. Bitch it isn't the Coke making you gain all that weight, scrape some of that food off your plate, have a real Coke and enjoy your meal! Passing up the Little Debbie aisle at the grocery will go a long way on your weight loss plan too.
Names. I like unusual names, my own children have unusual names. But come on people give the kid a chance to learn to spell it when they go to school! This has been a debate between Rebecca and I for many years. Like me she likes unusual names, unfortunately though she also likes unusual spellings. Out of all her children, there are only two that you could even tell what the child's name is by it's spelling, it still isn't spelled right but at least it is close enough to make it out. I can't tell you how many times the school has called me to come pick up Yucky when her mother was not available. Her name is spelled Yukie but pronounced UKeeah (ladies and gentlemen this is probably the only time you will ever see someone's real name on this blog), the child has gone her whole life being called Yucky, fortunately when she got old enough she learned to tell everyone her name is simply Kia. She has seven children, so Yucky is just an example, five of those seven are just as mispelled, I will be nice and not out them all. This is why Rebecca was never allowed to help name any of my children, nope, she couldn't even join in the discussion anymore after suggesting "River" and "Lake" which I liked, but I had to ask her just for fun how she would spell them. Her reply was "Reyvr" and "Lach". Turns out I was right all along and Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate fit them much better.
Cleaning up dog shit. Please tell me, if you have your dog on a leash and you know it shit one one side of the potty area why in hell do you go to the other side of the potty area to pick it up after going to the little box and getting the plastic baggie they provide? If your memory is that bad, get the damn bag first and carry it with you. I watch this happen over and over where I live.
Why is this stupid man is struggling to push the baby stroller in the grass beside the sidewalk, giving the poor child whiplash. Why not walk on the sidewalk? Are we not suppose to walk on the sidewalk? I must check the lease.
Why does The Demon Seed have only 2 subjects he will willingly sit down and talk to you about? Game systems and computers, not playing them, but building them or modding them. At best your going to get 15 minutes from him. Yet, his brother The Devil's Advocate has about 666 subjects he is willing to sit down and talk about for hours and hours, to the point you catch yourself looking around for something, anything that could be used as a gag.