Monday, May 6, 2013

Why I Didn't Turn To The Blog For Support

I was asked in my last post why I didn't use the blog as a coping tool when all this was happening to me. First off being a medical professional (I realize that reading my rambling blog it may be hard to realize I actually carry the title of Dr, but I do)when you get a call in the middle of the night that your son has been attacked by a shark 600 miles offshore you go into medical mode, not blogger mode. When your specialty has been shock trauma for so many years you know in your mind what your going to be facing when you get a call before you even see the patient. You know that the boats don't carry enough blood products if any to handle the bleeding a shark leaves behind, my son's boat had three bags on board, a drop in the bucket as to what a shark bite victim usually needs. I knew from talking to the ship on the satellite phone his bleeding had slowed but he was still bleeding, that tells you that you have unstable blood vessels, arteries and veins. One wrong move and an artery could go and he could bleed to death in seconds. My mind was on how fast the Coast Guard could fly the 600 miles to get him and did they have enough blood on board to support him until he reached shore and could get to shock trauma and into surgery. I never once thought of this blog or any other blog during that time. I had many colleagues from different hospitals with years trauma knowledge for support only a phone call away. I am 900 miles from my son and he is another 600 miles out in the middle of the ocean, travel and money are then a concern. Then I find out there is one antibiotic on the ship and he is allergic to it. So we knew he was coming in several hours without any antibiotics on board and had a dirty wound, not to mention all the dirty organisms in the sea that could infect the wound. So now we are going to need an infectious disease specialist on call too. We also know ahead of time we don't need any surgeon, we need a hand specialist to access the injury, a hand surgeon and a plastics surgeon on call to do the actual surgery. All of that comes after you stabilize the patient,if you can and with a shark bite there is a lot to stabilize and the patient is usually in shock. Shock scares all of us, it's unpredictable and you never know if you can stabilize a shock patient before you lose them. Then there are Xrays, cat scans and MRI's to be done to access how much damage there is and where the surgeons need to start. I really wanted to see them, again blogging wasn't on my mind, my son's life and how much function he might have left was foremost in my mind. Again, nothing against the blog, but I was in medical mode and blogging is not the first thing on your mind when your son or anyone else's life is at stake. Then surgery,nerves, blood vessels, veins and arteries are not easy to work with, they are slippery, hard to find in an accident like this and hard to suture. Then we had the nerves, you have to find the right ones to reattach, it's like looking for a needle in the dark, then it's always iffy if the reattachment will even work, nerves don't regenerate, in this situation all you can do is pray they are still alive and will work again. It's a long, complicated surgery and even if I wasn't in the operating room myself I have been in there enough in the past to know the surgery in my mind so that is what I did, replayed that surgery over and over in my head, knowing what could go right but also know what could go wrong and that the outcome of a wound that severe is not usually a total success. The difference is this time I can stay detached because this is my child so Mom also kicks in. Mom and medical knowledge are not a good combination. Even though I tried to prepare my son for what his hand would look like after surgery he was still shocked when he was it. He expected this nice long incision and that was it. He didn't realize that many flaps would have to be made to find the vessels, nerves, veins and artery because they were severed and will snap back into the arm, hand or another finger. His tendons were also severed and they snap back even further so you have to find the ends of them too. leaving another incision. He had a lot of bone loss and some bones were crushed to he had to have bone grafts, pins and screws. Some fingernails were almost off but without knowing if the nail bed is damaged to where they wouldn't grow back and not wanting to leave him with no fingernails they used screws to screw them back in place. There was a lot of missing tissue so he had tissue grafts done too. His expected one incision turned out to be about 20, no idea on how many stitches to repair the shark bite, they stopped counting at 300. The chart reads 300+. From looking at it my rough guess would be around 700. Once all was explained to him he did better. The plastics guy was excellent and used every natural fold he could to suture in so someday when all is healed it won't look bad. Naturally not all could be placed in a fold so he will have some scarring, he isn't worried about the scarring he says "Just add them to all the others I have", this was the fearless active and at times plain out stupid child that had more stitches by the time he was six than most people have in their lifetime Next round is bracing for immobilization  then flexor bracing, then at least a year of therapy, but now there is a plan, he is alive and in no danger so Dr Mom can now just be Mom. There was simply too much going on to blog or even think about blogging. It's not that I don't think you would all support me, I do but at that time I needed colleagues with medical knowledge for support. I was not alone, I had family, I had my friend Jackie and I had Donna everyday or anytime I needed them by phone or text or in person.

As for the murder, I had plenty of support from family, so much so that I would turn my phone off at times to stop the calls and rest. Again when something that horrific happens blogging didn't even enter my my mind. We were more concerned with did they catch who did it (the answer is yes), what charges will they bring (pretty much anything they could), will it be a death penalty case (yes it will, which means the trial will drag on for months or years, most likely years). In the beginning calls were flying back and forth because we have two with the same name and it took about an hour to  figure out which one had been murdered and why. The only answer the killer gave after admitting to doing it, and apparently his motive is "because he wanted too". He didn't even know my cousin or anyone that was in the group with my cousin that night. He confessed immediately, one of the many witnesses that saw the whole thing from beginning to end that night wrote down the license plate of his truck so they had him in custody within 30 minutes. My cousins, blood, hair, brain matter and skin was still on his tires and under his truck and the knife used to stab him was still in the front seat with my cousins blood on it and the fool's fingerprints. I guess with that evidence and that many witnesses he figured he might as well confess, they had him anyway.  I'm not sure if I told you how he was murdered. My cousin had gone to the pub to meet up with a group of friends, he sat down and ordered a Coke (he doesn't drink), a strange man came up and ask him if he wanted to fight, my cousin just kind of laughed and told the guy he didn't fight with anyone so he needed to move on, he didn't immediately leave so they ask if the bouncer would remove him from their area, which he did. About an hour later the group decided it was time to leave, the table beside them decided to leave at the same time, they didn't know anyone at that second table. So with both tables and witnesses eating at restaurants on both sides of the pub there were a lot of witnesses. Thank God.  When they got outside the guy that was in the pub earlier ran up from nowhere and stabbed my cousin in the chest and ran away, or so they thought. 911 was called but my cousin told his friend that he was afraid he would bleed to death before they got there so they decided to get in the car and drive around the corner to the hospital. When they were walking in the parking lot my cousin's friend heard a car revving it's engine and turned to look, it was the guy that just stabbed my cousin in a large truck, his friend tried to push my cousin out of the way but the guy just swerved and ran over his stomach area, then he backed up and ran over his head, then pulled forward and ran over his head the second time and fled the scene. The coroner told us that my cousin was alive when he ran over his stomach area and alive when his head was run over the first time, it was the second time that killed him. His whole head was literally crushed, he was unrecognizable. He also said that he would not have survived the stab wound to his chest even if he had not been ran over.  My cousin was a fitness trainer who owned a gym, that gym and being a personal trainer was his life. He was a good person who would do anything for anyone and was well like with a very good reputation in town. Now there is the aftermath, the grieving, what to do with the gym, sell it or let someone else in the family run it, he collected motorcycles, so there are a lot of them to deal with too, his house, his clothes, etc. It will take a while.

When I get mad at the lady that cut me off in traffic, think something is stupid, just want to try some humor, etc. I will blog it but when something serious such as the above two things happen blogging is not even something that enters my head. Too much to deal with at that particular time.

While I thank you for worrying about me and deeply appreciate your concern I thought I needed to explain more in detail what was going on so you could understand why I wasn't blogging about it.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

I Want To Know The Names Of The Blog, FB and Forum Police!

Well, actually before I know their names I actually want to know exactly what training is required, what uniforms they wear, who appoints them to the position and then their names.

What gives them the right to boot someone off for not posting, posting to much or not commenting? Do they not realize that apparently unlike them some people have real lives going on, things that you just can't say "wait a minute I have to run and post on "Blank" or I will get kicked off? Do they not get the fact that posting can be an ordeal for the handicapped and reading that blog or post might be the only bright spot in their day?

So fuck off to the blog, FB and forum police!!!!

This week I am talking to a friend on the phone who tells me she was booted off a popular Facebook page for pugs, I will keep the name of the page to myself because they all know who they are and should be ashamed. This lady is one of the sweetest, most generous people you could meet. I wouldn't even dare to guess how many of the dogs she has sent money to on that page to help when one was sick or needed something. No, she doesn't own a pug, but she does have grandpugs, one of which is mine. My pug would be dead today if it were not for this lady paying for the treatments she needed to live. But let's not get confused here and think she only helped my pug, she has helped many, many pugs on that page and on other pug pages as well. The reason she was booted is unclear. I tell her not to worry about it that as soon as I log back on I will simply add her back. So yesterday I logged on to do that very thing and guess what? I have been booted too. Now I have been with that page since it started, it was conceived through private message between 3 or 4 of us, I was actually the second person to join. I am assuming my reason for being booted was not posting very often. My reason for not posting is the same reason I haven't had the time to blog much, keeping my dog alive, death in my family, my son being attacked by a shark and the long recovery that is going to involve not to mention more surgery and then a murder in my family. All of which has caused major depression and while I may not have posted with my Debbie Downer feelings I did enjoy reading the posts, sometimes they helped make a bad day better.  I'm sorry assholes but posting on your funny pug page was not first and foremost in my mind. I DID post and let you know what was going on, had my pug's Grammy post for me to tell what happened with my son and then posted an update on my son's condition. You knew it all except for the murder, since that just happened in the last few days I was booted before I could tell you. Were my feelings hurt? You damn right they were, so was the dear lady that has helped so many of you. Since she isn't good enough to read and enjoy your fucking posts maybe you all should all take a tally and pay her back for every dime she has helped you with. I am now waiting on someone to come up with the "it was a mistake defense", it always happens when people get called out on something like that.  As for me I don't want added back, would turn you down in a heartbeat if ask back and will remove myself if added back. So don't waste your time or mine. As for her, she would and did give many of you the shirt off her back, many times and you want to treat her like the dirt under your shoes? Fuck off, you all should be ashamed of what you did to her. Don't worry about them Grammy, there isn't a single one of them that can even come close to measuring up to the caliber of person you are.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

For Donna

Because you never fail at any of these things!

"Unique Beds"

I need a new bed desperately, but once I figured out that no matter how hard I batted my eyelashes at the salesman or how many blow jobs I promised he wasn't going to give me one for free I gave up and came home to look beds up online.

Why not just sit in a chair? This reminds me of a sideways hospital bed with a headboard nailed to the side.

Why do you want your bed to look like a book? I re-name this the No Sex Bed Book

Do you realize how many bones I would break just trying to turn over and flipping out?

The Magnetic Bed. What happens if the magnet fails. Yep, more broken bones!

I'm not sure if I would be claustrophobic or think about breakfast all night. I don't think I want to sleep in an egg.

At first glance this one looks interesting, but then I realized it was just the TV, how would you stretch out and really get comfortable in this thing?

What if you want to lay on your other side? 

Now these two beds are perfect for me!

The Senso Water Massage Bed, I can live with the fact that it strongly resembles a pool table.

And it massages!

Considering I have no more of those nasty little creatures called small children, or as Eric from Trueblood calls them "Pocket Humans" I don't even know how I got into looking at children's beds. But I have learned I had a very deprived childhood by not having one of these and might even sleep in one now just to make up for lost time.

"No dear, don't worry it won't screw up her sense of not mixing polka dots and stripes when she learns to dress herself"

"If we put astro turf under it instead of green carpet it might leave a few rug burns when she falls out but it looks more like grass and is so much cuter this way"

This is called the Eco Friendly bed. Why? Because it has trees and clouds painted on it?

Not exactly sure how you're suppose to get up on that side bench to sit. This one might be made for people like me who don't exactly have a fondness for small children so they buy it for their friends who have that spoiled little brat that throws a fit everywhere they try to take her. "Hey just sit her up there on that bench she can't get down until we get back anyway"

Yes, this is really a bed, I just haven't found it yet. I think I see a pillow peaking out through one window. Talk about letting your child know you are ready for her to leave home right away.

Hope the Great Dane can tell the difference between bed and food!

Told you I was deprived!

More proof my parents didn't like me.

It's So Much Harder To Name Yourself Than It Is To Name Your New Baby

Since I was about 6 yrs old I have hated my given name and have said for years I was going to change it. My parents had to have been drugged, drunk or half asleep when they picked it out, then gave it some foreign spelling no one could even pronounce, so everyone started calling me something close to it, and I hated that name even more. Even my parents started calling me that name. Fortunately when my first nephew was born he could't even begin to pronounce either so he just called me Shea. Now I like Shea, but it isn't a name I would have chosen for myself.  Every new place we seemed to go in the military it was $600-$800 to go to court to have it legally done and it would take several months to go through the court system. So when we retired and moved here I just never bothered to ask. A few weeks ago out of boredom(don't judge, you will do a lot of crazy ass shit when your on bed rest as many weeks as I was) I called to ask what it would cost me here, I thought that I heard her wrong when she said $65 for the whole thing and it would take about  5 minutes. Maybe they have a lot of name changes, you know the kids here become teenagers and don't want anyone to know about the family inbreeding so they make it easy for them. Just a guess. I mean my kids have a lot of friends and you think by looking at some of them that they don't stray far from the same gene pool, then Mom and Dad come to pick them up and it's confirmed because Mom and Dad look just alike too. How do they all know what to call each other? Do they say Daddy or Uncle Daddy? Anyway I finally have the chance to do it, a Mother's Day gift from my daughter(my kids have always known how badly I have wanted to do this). So first the kids want to name me, yeah, shot them down real quick with some of the names they were coming up with and the fact that they couldn't agree except on the first name. So I let them pick the first name.

This is when I went to Donna, as she is only one of three people on here that know my real name and one of them doesn't blog, just comes to read. Mistake, big mistake. She's my girl but we are total opposites in the name department. She likes Grandma names and I like something a little newer, not too common and at times even trendy. Now I hate cutesy names like Brittney, Whitney, Brandy, etc. I would throw up just a little every time I heard someone use it and am quite sure I would be left with a gag reflex that was permanently damaged causing me to spit up constantly. But cutesy names wasn't a problem with Donna, she isn't big on them either. She just likes Grandma names. People do you understand she threw the name Alberta on the table?! I wish I could remember some of the others but I think my mind was protecting me and blocked my memory of our conversation that night. But you have to give my girl credit, she knows every Grandma name there is to know! But the hilarious part was listening to her comments on the names my kids and I had chosen. What a night, she had me laughing so hard over names that night.

Now the big decision is to keep my last name or change it too. It doesn't exactly have good memories for me, I don't want to go back to my maiden name but I have never thought about last names before. I no longer have any kids in school so it isn't that important to have the same last name anymore, that's the only reason I have kept it in the first place. I ask all my kids and they all think it is a great idea to pick one out I like and use that. Get rid of the name with bad memories and start fresh. I sat down and literally could only think of two last names and I didn't even like them, it was just names that popped into my head. So I grabbed a phone book and picked out a last name. I was afraid to ask Donna. Is there such a thing as old people last names too?

Oh and just why is Obama so pissed off because someone said his wife looks like a gorilla? Shouldn't he be worrying more about the bombings in Boston yesterday? I am 100% sure it isn't the first time he has heard it and it damn sure won't be the last. I have thought it for years.  I know a beautiful silverback at the local zoo that would make a perfect mate for her, I just worry she won't be pretty enough for him and he will reject her.

MIA But Not By Choice

I have a few blogs drafted that I wrote while everything was going on, I'm going to try, remember that word "try", to get them up in the next day or so.

First set back was a nice, not so pleasant case of the Shingles that really did me in. Bed rest. Since my laptop isn't working and I don't have enough words to describe how much I hate my tablet I only had my cell. Do you realize how hard it is to type on that thing when your highly medicated with pain pills, muscles relaxants, Neurontin and Klonopin? The short, stubby fingers and broken glasses don't help a lot either.

For two years when I was a child I missed every damn holiday that rolled around and my family got together for huge dinners at every holiday. The first year it was a nasty case of flu on Easter, I don't count the 4th of July because even though I am easily distracted by bright shiny objects I do not like the sound so I always begged my Mom to take me to my Aunt(who hated them worse than I did)and let me stay with her. If my parent's didn't take me I kicked up such a fuss and complained so much through the whole "picnic on the hill until the fireworks start" that they eventually, ok, they are't stupid, after the first time they gladly took me to her house. But then comes Thanksgiving and the mumps. Then Christmas comes and I get the measles on Christmas Eve. I weathered them but hated missing the big dinners and of course no one wanted to come to Typhoid Mary's house for dinner.

Second year came Easter rolls around. Guess who has a double ear infection and strep throat? Yep, me, Typhoid Mary. Thanksgiving comes and I spent it in the hospital with pneumonia. Then Christmas, my favorite holiday of all. There isn't anything I don't like about Christmas (except not having money to buy gifts with, but that wasn't such a concern when I was 7), I love the smells, the sounds, the decorations and my favorite of all is the tree. Well except the year we trusted Christmas tree shopping to my Mom who came home with a Charlie Brown tree because she felt sorry for it. I swear the stupid thing didn't have but to branches to put anything on and all the needles had fallen off of it. She was quickly dispatched back for another tree fearing she would be hanged from the highest limb on that Charlie Brown tree. She brought it in while we were at school and Dad was at work and had it beautifully decorated by the time we got home. The only thing she forgot was that my Dad and I both are highly allergic to Cedar trees and that one had to go too. She was never again trusted to get the Christmas trees. Anyway this second Christmas I wake up with the worst case of chicken pox my doctor said he had ever seen. I was an itchy, painful mess and they lasted forever. But once they were gone I trusted them to never come back. I didn't know that someday those damn things would climb out of the dark recesses of my body and attack again. Only this time I think they were pissed at me because I kept picking their scabs off all those years ago so they gave me a nasty case of shingles. I didn't treat them nicely this time either and I cussed them a lot. That was before my Dr told me I could get them again sometime. If I had known that before I would have sang lullabies to them and fluffed their pillows every night. Just so maybe, just maybe they will pass me by again.

Before I even get off bed rest I get a call in the middle of the night that my son, who is a professional diver, that's actually his job, was attacked by a shark 600 miles out in the middle of the ocean and they are making arrangements to fly him back to shore to the trauma hospital. At first I thought it was one of those Ambien dreams everyone talks about but I never seem to have, I really did, seriously who gets attacked by a shark in the middle of the damn night? My child, that's who. His excuse is "Mom it's just as dark under the water in the daytime as it is at night so it really doesn't make a difference" As you can imagine the next several days were taken up with him, his injuries, his surgeries, lot of praying and thankfulness that he didn't lose a limb. All can be repaired, minus some bone the shark took with him and they are rebuilding that. He looks a lot like Robo Cop right now with all the pins, screws, strings attached to everything so they can test movement through the brace without taking the brace off.  Immediately after surgery he had full functionality but in the last two days he has lost some feeling on one area, the dr thinks it's just swelling pushing against a nerve and it will come back as soon as the swelling goes down. He is looking at a year of recovery. But since he was on the job when it happened the company he works for is giving him his full pay until he can dive again, told him they thought a shark attack was definitely qualifications for a promotion and pay raise, paid all hospital bills and bought all his medicine. They send someone by everyday to see if he needs anything. They have been really good to him through this ordeal. He does think it's hilarious that his personal ringtone on my phone is now the theme song from the movie "Jaws". I just thank God he has 15 years experience at this, knows marine life in and out and knew how to save himself. I always thought just punch them in the nose and they went away, well turns out that only works on some sharks, it just pisses the Mako shark off more. Then he goes into this long explanation how to ward off the each individual shark (some I have never heard of) during an attack. I told him I would remember that the next time I get in the bathtub or a hot tub since that is the deepest and only body of water I ever get in. A shark gets me on the beach it better have some legs hidden somewhere cause I just skim the shoreline and let the water wash over my feet.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Thank You Donna!

Thank you so much for the award!! Donna's blog is at Can't Keep It In No More, go pay her a visit and I promise you will get a good read and a good laugh. Love her writing style.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Life Should Go Backwards

I realized that Demon Seed and the Devil's advocate have now turned 18. OK, who am I kidding, I have been dreaming and waiting 18 yrs for this! I can now reclaim major parts of my life that you give up when having children. You must remember there are three older ones so it's been a really long time.

I can pee alone again, I was worried about this one. Afraid that after so many years of being monitored my kidney's would not be able to function on their own. I tried it out today and thank God they still work, I was so dreading having to borrow a neighbors child every time I needed to pee.

I can also bathe alone without one of them busting in with something serious that has to be told to me right that minute. Your afraid to scream "get out!" in case one of them has cut the other one's throat or they need immediate medical care. Sorry, you're 18 drive your damn self to the hospital, can't you see I am taking a bubble bath? The bubble bath was a little rocky, it's been so long that I could stay in there long enough to enjoy it that I just didn't bother so when I sent to buy bubble bath I mistakenly bought body wash, which lays like clots of blood and just floats around.

I walked right out of my house today and didn't announce where I was going, when I was coming home and never even uttered the words "call me if you need me".

They went to their friends last night and I didn't look at the clock one time to make sure they were not out past the time I told them to be home. Locked the doors, went to bed and right to sleep with my Ambien and Klonopin on board. They have keys, it's time they learn to use them and not lose them. Lose them now and I am no longer obligated to let you into the safety of my warm house.

I can eat a whole sandwich and freely without a conscious say no when one asks "Can I have a bite?", sorry, you should have stopped and bought one for yourself on the way home, this one is all mine and I am licking every last drop of sauce.

Since all their friends are also over 18 now I no longer feel guilt when calling one of them a fucking idiot. They are old enough to handle it. If not, go home. My house is no longer a playground or meeting place.

I read a book in the quiet and was startled to realize they have not sucked out all my brain matter as I have suspected for the last few years. I could actually follow the story line. Something is still left in there. Maybe I can build on it and be normal again.

I am no longer legally obligated to any of them, I don't have to provide  housing, provide medical care or even feed them. Now it is a courtesy on my part and if a better offer comes along well I might just take it and they can go to McDonald's on their own dime.

But I also realized life should go backwards, we should have children when we are old and we get younger as they age. Then I could do all things I didn't get to do with the blood suckers around, now I am too old and most of the time to tired to do all those things. It would be much easier to find a young, handsome billionaire if I was 25 yrs old again. Now my best chances for wealth are to find a sick old billionaire that is ready to die but still healthy enough to sign the will, but hell even they want someone who looks like Anna Nicole Smith or they have a bunch of kids hanging around ready to contest the will.

My ass at 25 yrs would look so much better on the back of that Harley when we take long trips out of town, as it is now I feel really sorry for the bikers in line behind us that have to look at it. I also feel a little sorry for my friend I am with as he has to look at the old ass hanging off the bike in front of us.

I could pretend to drown in the pool and be saved by one of the handsome lifeguards, I'm afraid if I try it now they will either get into a fight over which one has to come and get me or simply say "don't worry about it, the old girl doesn't have much life left in her anyway, we will just act like we didn't see her."

Instead of sitting around plotting ways to get back at them when I get too old to live alone and have to move in with one of them, I could be planning a trip to the Riviera with Johnny Depp. I would be strong enough at 25 yrs old to chase him down, rope him, tie him up and force him on the plane. I would be afraid to try it now, with my eyesight I might make a big mistake and get Jack Nicholson, never realizing I was only able to catch him in the first place because he is older than dirt and couldn't outrun me.

I could stomp my foot and scream "You can't tell me what to do, I'm leaving!" and have a ton of friends houses to crash at until I decide to sober up and come home. Where would I go now? Down to the corner nursing home and beg them to let me spend the night for the mere price of $1,000? I couldn't afford that after having to buy my own drinks at the bar because I am no longer 25 yrs old when a few bats of the eyelashes gets you a free drink.

Somehow I am not sure I came out the winner after all.

You Don't Really Live In A Barbie World! Get Over It!

I haven't been around much, just popping in here and there. Not because I haven't wanted to but because I have been busy dealing with something that took a lot of time and my anger level was off the chart, you would not have enjoyed a post I made during the past two weeks of my rage.

First let me explain, one of my daughters, Fantasy Barbie, has been going through a custody battle for the last three years. It isn't her, it's her ex husband that started it and continues it. The problem is there is nothing bad on either parent, they have different parenting styles, neither one bad, just different. The only difference is my ex son-in-law likes to have control of any and all people, conversations and situations, one reason him and I have never gotten along, I am not a controllable person. But he has been a good Dad, just as Fantasy Barbie has been a good Mom, a trait she most surely didn't get from me. If you can't fix yourself your own sandwich by the age of 3 you don't need lunch was my parenting philosophy, she only expects her's to do it by the time they are 40. If you can't get your clothes to the damn laundry hamper by the age of 10 then you better be learning how to use the washer and dryer or wear it dirty, do I look like Inspector Clouseau? She on the other hand will hunt that last stray sock down for days to make sure it is washed and in the drawer for her 16 yr old. If one of mine at the age of 16 had walked out of his room, down the hallway, past a bathroom with a glass in it, down the stairs into the den and ask me to get him a drink of water he would be met with gales of laughter and still have a dry mouth, she gets up and takes those 12 extra steps to the kitchen to get him a drink of water. Mine all could do laundry, cook a full meal, go grocery shopping, read a map so they don't get lost even though I have to use GPS and still can manage to get lost, balance a check book before they left home. I am not convinced hers can even bathe alone, I know for sure they can't get themselves a drink of water so I am not holding out high hopes for them since they are already 13 and 16. Oh did I forget to mention they are also perfect children? Well they are, according to her they never lie, never say a cuss word, never go anywhere she tells them not to go when she is looking. If she blogged, she would be one of the "Mommy Bloggers". This week the Crown Prince's crown not only cracked but fell off his damn head, crashed onto the shiny courtroom tile and busted in a million pieces. Queen Fantasy Barbie has still not recovered from the shock. Especially since it was Demon Seed that took him down. When she was still living at home and they were born she thought they were wonderful, took them everywhere with her, bragged about them, always taking pictures and showing them. Then she got married and got pregnant. She dropped them like a hot potato and would actually shove them out of the way, never even saying a quick "hello" to them when she made one of her rare visits to the house and they would run to greet her. They were only 3 and confused by it. They couldn't understand why someone they worshiped and  who had loved them so much all at once wanted nothing to do with them. Being the smart kids they are, they learned to ignore her back. After her child was born, it didn't matter what he did she always blamed one of them for it. For years they just took the fall for whatever it was and kept their mouth shut. Soon she went from blaming them to actually telling people what bad kids they were, they aren't, they have never given me a single bit of trouble outside of normal kid stuff. When word got back to them it use to hurt it doesn't anymore, now they just don't give a shit about what she says or does. But they have always had a good relationship with the Crown Prince. Until two weeks ago.

I get a call from her attorney, whom I have personally known for 25 yrs and he has known Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate since they were born. He would know if they had gotten into trouble because I would have called him to represent them. He tells me he is pissed and can I come to his office. Now, when he tells you he is pissed you want to be around to see the show because he throws some of the best hissy fits in and out of court I have ever seen. I go to his office thinking he is into it with his wife or just had a bad case and wants to blow off steam since it was after his closing hours. No, it seems the Crown Prince, in order to make himself look big and important or maybe just cool to his friends has written a bunch of text messages, his father found them and called for an emergency hearing. Big deal, he does this about once every two weeks, the judge denies his order and it's over until he thinks of something else to call an emergency hearing on. Keep in mind here that the judge has already ruled on the custody case, months ago. These are all appeal attempts to get a new trial because he didn't get the judgement he wanted, he couldn't control the judge either. We only have one family court judge here so it always goes back in front of the same judge and where we live you can't get a change of venue on custody cases. So this poor judge is going to have to hear this fool until he either retires or the kids turn 18. This time a line was crossed.

I read the text messages and the Crown Prince is accusing Demon Seed of buying and smoking pot with him. He tells dates and times that they have smoked pot together and the little idiot even gave our address in one of the texts. He also tells that his mother "just busted up in my room offering me alcohol to drink". He is using  racial slurs, talking about pornography, giving out pornography website addresses, etc. You know all the types of text messages any perfect Crown Prince would send. So his Dad saw them and filed an emergency hearing for full custody because they children were in danger from Fantasy Barbie giving them alcohol and Demon Seed pumping him full of pot. Fantasy Barbie's attorney, we will call him Harry, because he is bald and would love to have some hair, is pissed alright but not at Demon Seed. He is pissed because he knows the history and because Fantasy Barbie came into the office blaming it all on Demon Seed. She still owed him $2,000 from the last hearing, this time he made her pay that plus another $2,000 up front for this new hearing and then informed her she had just paid for the defense of the only victim in the whole mess, which was Demon Seed. Upon which I am sure she toddled a little in those Barbie heels and called Ken to cry about how unfair it was. I am now furious too. I could easily prove that Demon Seed wasn't in the state on several of those dates given, I could prove he was in the hospital on two of the dates given and in quarantine from his surgery on the rest of the dates given. She knew this and was still trying to throw Demon Seed in front of the bus to save the Crown Prince. So we are armed when we get to the hearing.

Fantasy Barbie is still under the impression that the world sees her son wearing same rose colored glasses she sees him through. She has always not wanted the kids on the stand and Harry has honored that, until this time and he tells her he is putting the Crown Prince on the stand and if she doesn't like it she has about 10 minutes to fire him and hire another attorney before the hearing starts. She is backed into a corner and as hard as she kicked those little Barbie heels she was ignored. Harry informs her that today the only person he is there to protect is Demon Seed so she need to put her big girl panties on and take some responsibility for what her son did and what she was trying to do. She shuts up but the mascara is still running down her face and we all know how much mascara Barbie wears. Then he has the judge order on the spot drug tests for the Crown Prince, Fantasy Barbie, Ken and Demon Seed. Harry informs her she is paying for the three of them and he himself is paying for Demon Seed's. Another uprising, quickly squashed by Harry. The tests are done and then the results are slapped down, and I do mean that he really did slap them down in front of the judge and Fantasy Barbie. The only one that didn't pass was the Crown Prince. Now she is convinced that Harry tampered with the results and wants it done again in front of the judge. Everyone agreed so the judge accompanies them to have the test on the Crown Prince and Demon Seed done again. Of course it was the same result, Demon Seed clean, no drugs in his system and the Crown Prince dirty, THC in his system in high levels. I'm sure if we could have seen it the white picket fence around their house just fell over. Harry refuses to let the judge, the other side or anyone even talk to Demon Seed because he really isn't a part of this custody case only the victim of malicious lies so he can't be called unless he wants to be. He doesn't, thank God, because all he has done for the last two weeks is threaten to kill or maim the Crown Prince the next time he sees him and I wasn't so sure how that would look in court. So Harry gets the Crown Prince on the stand, has him repeat all the dates and times this supposedly happened and then knocks each one of them down with proof that couldn't be disputed that Demon Seed was no where near him during those times. The crown started to slip a little. Then he lays into him about being a lying malicious child trying to put off on someone else the things he was doing to make himself look big to friends and innocent to his parents. The crown cracked. By the time he got done with him the crown is in pieces on the floor, even the jewels were smashed.

Then the big surprise hit all of us, Harry included. The judge issued an Order of Protection for Demon Seed against the Crownless Prince. He can't be around him, talk to him, try to communicate with him by phone, text, computer, any gaming system, etc, he can not use his name in any writings or conversation with friends or family until he turns 18 yrs old, reverses the emergency hearing reinstating the custody order right back to what it has been from the beginning and it was over. Or so we thought.

The other side then stands and declares they are filing for a whole new trial this time and want to know how to proceed with calling Dylan as a hostile witness with the Order of Protection in place. The judge cleared that up for him real quick by issuing another Order of Protection for Demon Seed against the Crownless Prince's Dad's entire family and legal team. Bang! "You can't call him, he isn't a part of this custody hearing but obviously your going to try to scapegoat him again and this court is going to protect this kid because he is the only victim in this whole matter and his testimony will only be allowed if Demon Seed comes to me personally and tells me he wants to and I am fairly confident he isn't going to do that." He then turns to Demon Seed and wishes him a Happy 18th Birthday and apologizes that a bunch of "rabid idiots" tried to ruin it for him. By now Fantasy Barbie is ripping her clothes in mourning and she isn't even Jewish.

So we are leaving and in the courthouse parking lot Harry comes up and hands Demon Seed a $100 bill and tells him Happy Birthday and that he knows he wants to beat the hell out of the Crownless Prince but to at least wait until the Crownless Prince is 18 to do it and he promises to defend him and get him off all for free as long as he throws a few licks in for him. Fantasy Barbie, stormed off jumped into the Barbie Corvette, slammed the door and we haven't heard from her since. Amazing to me that she still can't see why Demon Seed, Harry or I should be so upset with the Crownless Prince, that she doesn't understand why Demon Seed just didn't take the fall for the Crownless Prince like he always has, that this time she crossed a line, that she was willing to throw her own brother in front of the bus even knowing it was all lies, that she can't see the reason for the Order of Protection for Demon Seed, or the reason I told her to "shut up" when she tried to "shhhhh" me when I asked Harry a question about Demon Seed and Harry told her she was just damn lucky I consented to even sit in the same room with her at this point, etc. I guess the best answer would be her theme song.

I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I'm Suppose To Do What With This!?

Let's take a walk down Memory Lane.

I couldn't wait to go to kindergarten, I would go with my Mom to pick up my brother and they always looked like they were having so much fun. Then at home he would tell about all the wonderful things they had done that. Mom always displayed any school art work proudly on the fridge door. I was mislead by the rat. He only told the good things. He never bothered to mention I was going to have to be quiet, an impossibility for me. I never learned that lesson all 12 years of school. You should see my report cards (Mom still has all of our report cards in a box. I know when I go visit someone with children the first thing I ask is to see all their kids report cards). Every year, every teacher in every class would put a note beside my grade: " needs more control over not talking in class", "excellent student but needs to talk less during class", etc. So from that first day in kindergarten I was appalled that I couldn't talk anytime I wanted and always failed at that endeavor. About 2 weeks into kindergarten the teacher had to leave the room during our afternoon book reading, she took a little to long to get back so I got up on her stool and started reading the book for her. She came back and let me finish the whole book. I swear there was relief in her face when she said I don't think your in the right class. So the next day IT went in and was put in a 1st grade class, I was not quite 5 yrs old yet and already kicked out of kindergarten.

I was a wiley child though and knew instantly this teacher was going to be harder to charm, I also noticed that she ate those hard strawberry candies with the soft center in them that are wrapped in paper that looks like a strawberry. She sucked on them all day, the whole damn room smelled of strawberries.  Conveniently for me my grandmother also was addicted to the same candy and kept it in a big bowl on her dining room buffet table. I would fill my pockets full everytime I went to her house. So to keep from being in trouble for talking every day I started making little notes saying stupid and untrue stuff like, "your the best teacher in the whole world) and "you are my bestest friend" then I would tape a piece of that candy to the note and give it to her the next morning when class started. It worked, oh she still made the comment on my report card, but she just ignored my talking during class.

Then on to second grade, this teacher was one of my Mom's best friends and I got away with murder, I didn't even sit at my desk most of the time, just roamed around visiting all my other classmates. Still I managed to keep straight A's.

My third grade teacher was about 20 yrs past the time she should have retired, she was so over teaching at that point and half ass blind and hard of hearing  that she didn't know what we were doing or where we were most of the time. She drove me crazy blowing on a whistle every morning before class and making us sing "America" if she couldn't find that whistle I guess the whole experience was ruined for her and we didn't have to sing.  One day a magic faerie took that whistle. She looked everywhere except in my dresser drawer in my bedroom at my house. That is where the magic faerie had hidden it. That was the day the music died. I did not mourn.

Then comes fourth grade and finally I got to take my beloved art classes I had been waiting on. Then my rainbow faded when I sat down at the art table and saw some very watery paint, a paper plate, a can of paste and a cup full of uncooked macaroni noodles and was told to be creative. I'm suppose to do what with  this stuff? Oh yeah, be creative. I watched all the excited kids around me carefully pasting the ends of two pieces of macaroni together and painting them to put on their painted Christmas trees, some made Santa heads. Me? I slathered a bunch of paste on the plate, dumped all the noodles on the plate and poured black paint over the whole lot and called it a day. When the art teacher ask me what it was, I looked at her like she was stupid and told her it was a tornado. That was the only thing I could think of that was big, black and messy. I wish I had known about Big Foot back then.

That was also the year of the big Girl Scout Brownie Scandal. I might possibly be the only person in the country to get kicked out of the Brownies. I didn't even make it long enough to sell cookies. My big offence was refusing to make a candle in the shape and scent I was told and refusing to wear that dumbass looking beanie cap. I guess in the Girl Scout circuit that is a felony.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Don't Call Me A Towel Head!

Been a wreck all morning, my mother's surgery was suppose to start at 9:00 am, it only takes about 45 minutes to pull a gallbladder, then 1-2 hours in recovery. When she was still in surgery at 12:00 pm I knew something wasn't right. It turned out to be a little more serious than they thought. Gall bladder came out fine, but then they found a hole in her colon so had to remove a section of her colon and then sew it back together. She will be in ICU for 3-4 days but is doing really well and is only in there for observation to make sure their stitches hold up in the colon and because of her age.  There are two brothers, two sister-in-laws, a cousin's wife that my Mom has always loved to pieces and  her best friend with her. Not a single one has left her side, even when she takes all of them she can handle and runs them out, they just go sit in the waiting room a couple of hours and then move back in the room, one by one, I guess they think if they sneak in she won't notice they are back.

But I have to tell you about my first conversation after surgery with one of the surgeons that did the surgery. First he is Indian, the second hardest accent for me to understand, Chinese coming in first. My brother is on the phone with me and since I wasn't there the Dr was going to repeat to me all that he had already told the rest of them so my brother hands him the cell phone. He seems to think it is a foreign object or maybe he is so old he has never seen one (I must remember to ask how old the guy is), my brother says he fumbled around with it for a while and then put it upside down to his ear to talk in the background I can hear them all laughing, they couldn't wait for him to leave so they could tell me about it and the look on his face when they handed it to him. So my brother very nicely shows him how to hold the phone. Then he apparently thinks he is communicating with me by two tin cans connected with a string across town and starts screaming as if I I am deaf, so I heard basically nothing that he was really saying.  Thank God, the other Dr realized there might be a problem with communication and called me back after #1 Dr leaves the room because this is what I heard in the first phone call:

Dr. (screaming)Hello? Hello? Hello? Can you hear me on this thing?
Me: Yes, Dr. I can hear you but your just a little loud which is making it muffled.
He totally ignores this and continues to scream, what I thought I heard him say:

Dr. Everything is looking good but I run into a little problem and will put it back in in three or four days.
Me: What? Put what back in? You don't put bad gallbladders back in? What are you talking about?
Dr. It's related to your grandmother.
Me: What? How is it related to my grandmother?
Dr. Mumble, mumble, mumble, hole, mumble, small, mumble, mumble, know it was there.
Me: What?
Dr. (laughing)Don't go running around this hospital and tell them all I am a towel head or a Mexican.
Me: I promise I won't do that.
Dr. Mumble, mumble, bird, mumble, mumble, antibiotics, mumble, now go eat you some lunch.

Then he hands the phone back. My brother thinking the Dr has hung it up just slips it into his pocket so I sat there for the next hour listening to them all teasing my mother about how she was having a bad hair day, one told her he thought he would go get a big greasy hamburger for her to eat, and a lot more, my mother tells them they all have to shut up or leave because she is too Goddamn sore to be laughing at their mess. Then one of them, just joking, asks if he "can stay at her house that night", she says "Of course, but why?", he says "We want to have a few friends over and thought it would be better to mess up your house since your not going to be using it for a few days than ours". Risky and brave move there, my mother is a clean fanatic, this is the honest truth if your staying at her house and get up to go to the bathroom you have to tell her what to leave alone because while your in the bathroom she is picking up the glass of Coke you just fixed, pouring it down the drain and will have that glass washed, dried and put back into the cabinet before you get back. It is standard practice when visiting her to yell out "don't make my bed!" if you get up in the morning to pee intending to go back to bed. Many times I have forgotten to yell and came back to find my bed nicely made up. She can't stand anything to be out of place and she moves fast, no way to catch her in the act.

The problem is now my family. Now I know they are all concerned and each one wants to do their part, actually the problem is they each one want to do it all. My mother is very particular and is only going to stay in her own home, they can't get that. Her best friend of 50 yrs is retired and going to stay at the house with her after she comes home. But the rest of the loons are freaking out on me and blowing up my phone with calls and texts bitching and complaining about each other and wanting me to call her and "fix" the situation. Really? You seriously think anyone is going to talk my mother into anything she doesn't want to do?  I know better, I am not getting in the middle of that one. My mother forces herself to go to one of their houses because his wife has not picked up a dust rag in 30 years and probably doesn't know where the vacuum cleaner has been hiding in the last 30 years either. Not to mention since my nieces's death they are raising her children, both of whom act like the world owes them everything, are the rudest kids I have ever been around, lie, steal and about anything else they can think of because they have been so indulged by my brother and his wife since my niece died it isn't even funny. Their excuse is always "Well, they lost their mother", my Mom always replies back with "And that is a good reason to let them act like animals that will be hated by all the other animals in the zoo when they grow up?" The other one's house is as clean as Mom's, no children, no animals, just to her liking. But they hover over her every move like she isn't capable. My mother has a more active social life than all the rest of us put together, trust me she doesn't need coddling unless she is the one doing it. It drives her crazy. Like I said, I am staying out of it.

So I am doing much better and will be able to cut that Klonopin back to two from three, if I don't answer the loons phone calls and since I was up all night I intend to lay on the couch and veg out to some movies.

Until something else happens and I have faith it will the way things are going lately.

Friday, February 15, 2013


I have no clear idea or theme for this post today. My mind is going a hundred miles a minute. My mother was just rushed to the hospital with a severe gallbladder attack and is going to have to have surgery. She is 84 so I worry. I need to be there but I can't trust my car to drive 700 miles there and back home again and hold up and I can't afford to rent a car. Not to mention it would take every penny I have for the gas there leaving me nothing to live on while there. I know my brothers and sister-in-laws and my Mom's best friend are there, I have talked to all of them and they will be there after she comes home but I still feel bad. I think it  it is time for a couple Klonopins. Today I fucking hate my ex husband for tearing up my new car as he made his grand exit. Actually I fucking hate him everyday for leaving us in the position we are in, but today it's a couple of degrees stronger. I hate him because I can't afford the new glasses I need to see while he makes over $150,000.00 and that's if he doesn't work overtime, which he does every day. I hate him for every vacation he takes, every new car he buys yet he can't buy the boys even an older car, every concert he goes too which is at least two a month, for all the new clothes he buys for himself yet ignores the kids may need some too, for every fancy restaurant he goes out to eat in every week two or three times a week, I hate his nice big condo while we had to go from a 6,000 sq ft house to a small apartment and he still screwed me out of my half of the money for the house, I hate when he breezes in every few months and buys the kids expensive shit they don't need yet never worries about the things they really need, I hate that he only lives three hours away and yet can only manage to see his kids once or twice a year because he is too busy going to the Bahama's or Key West because he needs to relax, I hate that he left when my disease got worse. I hate that he is going to blow threw town on the wings of Satan's breath to watch the boys graduate, walk around and play the big shot. But will he give them anything for the accomplishment. Hell no! I may not even tell him the right date of graduation. Let him show up a day late and rain on his parade. I hate that he let his girlfriend talk hateful and mean to my children, that he let her accuse them of stealing from her and took her side (cause being boys they really wanted that piece of costume jewelry she accused them of taking) letting them know in anyway possible they were not really welcome in their father's house. They may be evil but they are not thieves. She hit a stumbling block a year ago, she wasn't dealing with 11 year old's anymore, she ran straight into a  6'3" 18 yr old with no filter on his mouth, just like his mother, who hates her with a passion equal only to the hate I have for the ex. She ran into a kid that was no longer being told by his mother to play nice, actually he was told to act anyway he wanted and to say anything he wanted to her by his mother. That would be Demon Seed accompanied by his ever present partner, the Devil's Advocate, who gains strength from Demon Seed so while he might have been nice on his own he wasn't so nice either. I'm sure it was really pleasant when their sister, who hates her worse than she would getting syphilis and who has even less filter than her mother does, came to stay with them from Nashville. She wanted to make sure they were being treated right. They all went on a rampage. Did you know that liquid ex lax in the coffee machine does wonders for some people? My kids figured that out all on their own (ok, they might have had a tiny bit of help from someone who holds a PhD degree in nursing and knows just the right dose to use). Three mornings straight in the freezing  cold they got up at 4:00 am just to let the air out of her car tires. On the fourth morning they took her distributor cap off.  On the fifth morning her keys disappeared forever, those things aren't cheap to replace. On the sixth day they all "came down with food poisoning" after she cooked dinner, actually making themselves throw up and of course not a one of the three was able to make it to the bathroom in time and were too "sick" to clean up after themselves. Must I tell you how proud I was of them? I might have even gloated a little bit. But they got the job done and now she leaves and goes to stay with her daughter when they come. I think she fears them, or maybe she just doesn't like diarrhea everyday. The mere mention of their names must make her tremble now. I don't hate her, just the way she has treated my kids and no one comes out unscathed if you treat my kids bad! I hate the way he laughs, I hate the way he snickers, I hate the way he feels superior. I'm also pretty sure I even hate that I ever married him.

I think I even hate that he breathes.

Oh and I redid all the badges to include the last paragraph, some of the design had to be altered some to get it on the other badges. So just pick your favorite and put it up, no voting required. Because today, I hate voting too.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Pick Your Favorite Badge!

Since we aren't all women and the majority of us are just evil (I did not say the names Lily or Donna outloud to protect their privacy)  I didn't want to get fancy. So I made a few badges to choose from. Pick your favorite and place it on your page. I redesigned some of the badges to make some easier to read and to add the last paragraph on all of them, obviously the design had to change a little to get it all to fit.






Monday, February 11, 2013

Oh Porsha, You Make Mindless TV Worthwhile!

It's no secret I am a reality TV whore. From the Housewives franchise to Honey Boo Boo, I watch them all. Honey Boo Boo gets on my nerves. I personally would have put that child up for adoption at birth, but the rest of them are hilarious and there is something oddly endearing about them. Farts, belches and all.

Comments made by the brainless squid Porsha and Phaedra on the Real Housewives of Atlanta make it worthwhile. Then we have Kandi who has a late night internet "talk show" that discusses nothing but sex and a line of sex toys but she is also making a gospel album.  How could we forget the amazon NeNe who imagines herself a famous actress, sorry hon but I have seen you on "Glee" and now on the "New Normal", forgive me for not watching you on "The Apprentice", but Donald Trump's hair frightens me. My Pug can act better than you and she doesn't even need a script to read to do it. You were much better when fighting with the synthetic wig baby machine, Kim. Let's not forget Phaedra's, the attorney, new endeavors she is going to mortician school and making a Donkey Booty exercise video at the same time. I guess if they don't die in an accident so she can sue someone then she can bury them, ensuring she gets a pay day either way. She might just be on to something good. Cynthia, Cynthia, Cynthia what can I say. You are only one rung up from Porsha on the intelligence ladder and I actually don't understand why everyone is on your husband's ass for being controlling, you need it, your like a clueless 5 yr old. At least you can, unlike Porsha, put a whole sentence together that makes sense, as long as Peter is there for you to glance at every 15 seconds to make sure you use the big words correctly. Poor little Kenya, you're just all kinds of fucked up, aren't you? I think you should take a trip out to Beverly Hills and visit Kim and Kyle. You and Kim would understand each other's full out crazy behavior and Kyle is right on your level of mean girl status. Just try not to look too long at Mauricio, that is one ugly dude, I don't give a shit what  his wife says. Another little tip Kenya, you having a benign lump in your breast does not make you a cancer survivor, trust me on this one, no one is going to have a run in your honor while your ride in front of them in a convertible wearing that tattered sash and by now dulled crown you won and put so much importance in for being Miss USA twenty years ago.

I was rolling on the couch when Porsha described herself as her husband's Barbie doll. Not exactly sweety, you're going to have to find a veterinarian willing to trim those teeth down some, could you have meant Barbie's horse? By the time she got around to telling us her husband was perturded with her I was in the floor. I would like to point out to you Porsha that "year round" is actually 365 days a year, not 265 days as you said. Year's don't take holidays sweety. Then she throws out the old "Guilty until proven guilty", by now I can't catch my breath from laughing at her. I am just there floundering in the floor. Week after week she never disappoints me in getting a word or a phrase wrong, most weeks she gets several wrong.

The feud over the dueling booty videos between Phaedra's Donkey Booty and Kenya's copycat Stallion Booty is hilarious. I mean, what the hell, those types of videos have been around for years and who wants an ass that looks like that anyway? Granted it was Phaedra's idea first and when she fired Kenya from producing it then Kenya wants to make one just like it only with a different name. Good luck beating Phaedra dear, she will chew you up and spit you out and have the whole legal system backing her up, I don't think many Miss USA's will be showing up to defend you since almost everyone has already forgotten who you are which explains your need to tell us several times each episode. It's not working well, I still can't remember your last name. But when Phaedra came out that Kenya had a Home Depot booty because it was full of silicone I really thought I would choke to death right there on my couch. If I die please take me to Phaedra's funeral parlor.

I think I have figured out I like these shows because these women are amusing, disrespectful to each other, rude, snarky and mean. I am them, without the money or fame.

Ladies Don't Teach Your Daughters To Be Ho's!

The Devil's Advocate has a new girlfriend, well she isn't exactly new, she has been around about three months now. Remember, he is the one that is all about the long term relationship? Demon Seed, on the other hand, only has to be ask one time by some girl he is dating "Where were you when I called?" and suddenly he sees no future with her and it's over that very instant, which is why I never even learn any girl he dates name, just call them all hon. I know they won't be around long enough for it to matter.

Anyway, I have nothing against...we shall call her...Tangy, short for Tangerine in honor of the many hours she devotes to the tanning bed. I swear as much time as she is here she has to be sleeping in the tanning bed at night. She is a sweet girl, but clingy and whiny and most of the time I just want to slap her on sight before she has time to open her mouth. The biggest problem with Tangy is she is extremely possessive, she is one of those that wants to spend all her time with the Devil's Advocate and if she can't she will call his phone every 10 minutes around the clock. She is still upset that I wouldn't take her to meet family out of town with us at Christmas for 10 days. That conversation went like this:

Tangy: I don't see why I can't come too.

Me: Because it's family time and your not family, you need to spend time with your own family.

Tangy: My Mom wouldn't care, she is on meth and probably wouldn't know I was gone. (now the whiny voice starts)

(Thinking to myself before speaking: I bet she wouldn't, she would be happy to be rid of you for a while so she can stop hiding in the bedroom cooking her meth.)

Me: I'm sorry Tangy but with me, the boys and the dog crates there isn't enough room in the car and my son-in-laws family has already bought and paid for tickets to several expensive shows for us to enjoy while there, we couldn't even get another ticket if we wanted, these have been paid for months ago in advance because they are shows that sell out fast.

Tangy: I would just stay at But She's Pretty Child's house with the dogs while you all go to the rest of the family's house.

Me: The dogs will be fine alone, they are but it means a lot that you thought of them (like I really believe my dogs were her concerning her)

Tangy: I would just lay around and watch tv and then I could have Christmas dinner with all of you.

(Thinking to myself again so as to not hurt the child's feelings: There is no way I would take you to a very formal Christmas dinner, complete with all the formalities that go with it, to help you understand my reasoning the girl eats spaghetti with a spoon, put three plates, three drinking glasses, three forks and three spoons in front of her and she would short out. Then I had visions of her not liking the seating arrangements if separated from the Devil's Advocate and swapping around the name cards at each place setting or at the very least removing all the table centerpieces just so she could have a better view of him.)

Me: Oh honey I'm sorry, but we have these fancy holiday dinners that are planned to a T, adding one extra person to the dining room table could cause some of my family to have cardiac arrest and a major uprising with the kitchen staff. It just isn't the right time to go with us. Maybe someday when we can plan in advance.

Tangy: I have never been to a dinner like that before, I've never been to a fancy house like that either.

Me: That's kind of my point. Another time perhaps.

Tangy: I wouldn't have to go to the dinner, you could bring me a plate home.

Me: What and have the kitchen staff stab me with a butcher knife for even suggesting it?

Tangy: They would really do that?! (Did I mention she is also an air head extraordinaire?)

Tangy: Please, please, please let me go! (Now we have full blown tears)

Me: Look Tangy, you can't go because we don't want you too, it's that simple. There is one thing you need to learn about me and learn it quickly, I don't deal well with fake crocodile tears and those that try to manipulate me by using them. Actually, it's not a wise move to try to manipulate me with anything. It only makes me mad and then I become hateful. You are edging ever so close to my hateful button. Amazing how fast those tears stopped.

Then yesterday happened and both her and her mother pushed that hateful button. She comes to visit as usual, but this time no one comes to pick her up. It's 12:00 am and I am wanting to go to bed so I ask her when her Mom was coming. She tells me she had just called her and she would be here right after she got off work in about 30 minutes. Work? The only work that woman does is in the meth lab in her bedroom. 12:30 am rolls around and no Mom, this time I tell her to call her mother back and tell her she has to pick her up right now. She says she did and that her Mom will be here by 1:00 am, no later. 1:30 am-2:00 am-2:30 am and still no Mom. Just how long does it take to cook up a batch of meth anyway? By 3:00 am, I am beyond pissed, have a migraine and just want to go to bed. Then the Devil's Advocate comes to have a private talk with me and tells me her parents are on meth and have a meth lab in their bedroom.  Why yes, son that is a perfectly good reason for her to spend the night and spawn with you, go away! So I called her Mom myself and told her she needed to get here immediately and pick the girl up. She informs me that: I thought Tangy was spending the night because she likes to "snuggle" with the Devil's Advocate and he smells so delicious, isn't that sweet." So now I have just learned that Tangy had never called her, again manipulating me and lying, the Mom thought it was perfectly fine for her 16 yr old to spend the night at a boy's house to "snuggle" because he smells good and has no manners or she would have checked with me first. Girlfriends do NOT spend the night at my house, EVER. Unlike some mother's I don't find it "sweet", I find it a recipe for disaster and future child support. Then she slammed that hateful button all the way down by saying "Well, I guess if you don't want my baby there I can get up and get dressed and come get her, I hope the police don't stop me" I told her:  "Just keep your damn meth head in bed, not because I am worried about the police getting you, I hope they do catch up with you,  but I do worry about the other innocent people that might be driving at the same time, I will bring her home myself and then you keep her there for at least a week and I don't want her blowing up my son's phone for a week either."

The Devil's Advocate's explanation for all of this? "Well Mom, you know her mother is a little slow because of the drug usage and besides Tangy doesn't touch drugs because of the way her parents are." I'm sure she doesn't but it has taught her to be a master manipulator and a liar. I'm afraid Tangy isn't going to like me so much from now on as I will be the one to determine when she can and can't come here and it isn't going to be everyday when her week is up and now that I know about the meth my son will never go to her house, except for the times he sneaks and I don't know about it. I may need to GPS track my car and his phone. He will turn 18 in less than a month and I won't have control over his going anywhere anymore. I am not worried for one second that he would use drugs there, he hates drug and alcohol use, but he doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded tree frog to realize he could get in trouble just by being there. Hopefully I can have her phased out by then. You see she can't tell the difference between his voice and Demon Seed's  on the phone and we have a plan. It was nice knowing you Tangy!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Baby Names

While I realize this is a touchy subject to those that feel the right to name their child any "beautiful, misspelled or stupid names. Also realize I don't give a shit if your offended or not. Case closed.

Today my friend comes by to tell me her nephew had just had a baby this morning. Out of courtesy you usually ask the standard questions: "Was it a boy or girl?",  "What did they name him/her?", "How much did he/she weigh?" "How long was he/she?" I may be the only one that asks these questions because I am nosy and it's just easier for me to think everyone else asks them too. I got to the first question of his sex and was told they are still testing as it could not be determined by a visual. I felt the tiniest twinge of sympathy for the baby and the parents. I ask his name and was told they had named  it "Awesome Lionitis" My first thought was it sounded like a rare sexually transmitted disease and all sympathy for the parents was gone and the sympathy for the baby amped up a little. But then I started out giggling which soon went into a full blown, in your face laughing. I was still laughing as she left 10 minutes later. The kid was born not knowing if it is male or female and then the parents go and compound that with that name? How many different ways can they screw this child up?

Other crazy or stupid names in this weeks newspapers:


Teronious Anthony (Teronious? Really?)

Adesina Ogooluwasubomi (yeah he is going to learn to spell his last name, hopefully by the time he graduates from college)

Sergio Lerico Leone

Rhyle Blaze

ZaQuan Maurice

Jason Soaring Hawk (because the "Jason" just fit the other two names perfectly?)

Rocket Cade

Sosthene (what else could you expect, his mother's name is Saskia?)

Apelu Mason (you just know his friends are going to end up calling him Ape for short!)

Xavier Ahdosy

Destry OnNeal (fairly certain this one is gay)

Ismail Luciano

Gabriel Ubaldo (he is going to have some good kid inspired nicknames too)

Ezrah Razial


Akeria Zhane

Jahliah Raquel

Shayma Lamia (I'm thinking the parents must have felt shame at getting pregnant and don't think to highly of the baby)

Sweet Baby Girl (no it isn't because they haven't named her yet, that IS her name, but nobody puts Baby in a corner so maybe she will make it out OK)

Tra&#039:Shae Danielle ( my personal favorite bad name, easily spelled, easy to read, get the picture. Also wondering if she could be an alien baby)

Royalayn Aleze (sounds like a new casino game to me)

Alondo Arellano

Rachkkyn Olivia

Astrid Solstice (kinda tells you what her parents do on the side)

Kalvary Jo

Can you just imagine the future generation running around with names like this? Scary thought.

When A Bucket Isn't Big Enough Use A Septic Tank

I was going to post my bucket list and then realized a bucket just wouldn't hold all the things I still want to do. So I introduce you to my Septic Tank List. I choose a septic tank over, say, a swimming pool, a lake or some other peaceful sounding name that would hold a large amount because some of the thinks on my list just aren't nice and septic tank fits better.

My Septic Tank List:

1.   Take my ex for everything he has, my lawyer says this can be done but has advised I wait a couple years until he gathers more expensive items.

2.   With my windfall I will move to England, where the sane people live. I'm sick of ordering fish and chips and getting a bag of potato chips
3.   I want to spit on someone, preferably Obama or some of my ex in-laws.

4.   I look forward to the day that Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate move back with their father, Satan. Fucker hasn't paid me a dime of child support even though the horns are now becoming visible.

5.   I will buy out Facebook and turn it into a bitch fest, the money I make should make me a millionaire several times over.

6.   I will get rid of Scientology and LDS, there is no way anyone is going to convince me that these are "People of God, Jehovah or anyone else religious. They are cults in the Jim Jones variety.

7.   I will buy me a new pink snowflake robe to lay around in and double my dose of Klonopin.

8.   I will ban all Good Mommy bloggers for blatantly lying.

9.   I will make all the world at peace and make sure everyone has enough to eat. Except the Ethiopians,  if they havn't figured out to just move the hell out of their by now there is no way anyone can help them.

10.  I will take away all Donna's problems and make her a millionaire too.

11.  I will make sure Lily can actually say the word vagina, cunt, etc on her blog and protect her from Spawn's take over.

12.  I will make sure that Dexter never calls me for a date again.

13.  I will give Mimi her own television show as long as she promises to never interview Oprah or Richard Simmons. Hell, maybe I will just make Oprah disintegrate so I never have to see her big head and fluctuating weight issues ever again.

14.  I will take on Dr. Phil in a one on one conversation, I am almost certain to win. I would take on Dr. Drew but how do you argue with someone who is already an idiot? I would take him down in less than 5 minutes so their wouldn't be much fun in screwing around with his head.

15.  I will ban Jerry Springer from every television set in the world.

16.  I will make Dr. Who familiar to everyone just because Spawn loves him so much. Haven't quite figured out what to do with Ophilia and Princess yet, they frighten me and I am afraid of the repercussions.

17. I will legalize marijuana and make alcohol illegal.

18. I will ban July 4th and New Year celebrations  Anyone who has every worked an ER/Ambulance/Police will understand my reasoning for this. A full moon may not be safe from my wrath either for the same reasons.

19.  I will fuck with the weather patterns so it is either storming or snowing year round because that's my favorite kind of weather.  I will also stop them from naming storms. What the hell difference does it make if a storm has a name or not? It isn't like they are going to collect Social Security and need identification to get it.

20.  I will ban all electronic candy and toy machines, replacing them with legal gambling machines. I hate small children so their happiness is not a big issue to me.

Sunday Stealing: The Basically Obscure Meme Pt 1 and Pt 2

Since I missed the first part I am going to go back and do it too.

Pt 1

1: Do you notice a persons eye color?

Not really, I have always said I would be the worst person in the world to have to identify someone in a police line up.

2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?


3: If you could get a  tattoo free, would you do it? what would it be?

I did get both of my tattoos free, one of my close friends is a professional tattoo artist. Both are my own designs. 

4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?

Small town and hated it.

5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)

Hands down my Uncle Bus. 

6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?

I don't like any kind of smoothie 

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?

Fourth grade. Diarrhea hit me in class and I couldn't make it to the bathroom, I ask them to call my Mom to come and get me, they ask why, I refused to tell and the lady in the office just kept badgering me and telling me she wasn't going to call my Mom unless I gave her a reason. I finally just yelled out "I shit my pants, is that good enough for you?" I don't know if she was more shocked at my language or my yelling, probably both. Either way she quickly called my Mom.

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?

Starting my period for the first time in class and not realizing it until I stood up and some boy said "Yuk, you have blood all over your seat!"

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?

It was icy outside and I was hot on the trail of this new boy I really wanted to make an impression on (that may translate to make out with), he is walking with me into the school and we were in the process of making our first date when I slipped and fell face first on the ice, breaking my nose.

10: Have you ever fired anyone?

Yes, many times.

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?

As a child, not so much in my adult years. 

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?

I loved swinging as a child, excited when I see one now? No, maybe a little nostalgic but not excited.

13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?

Another English Bulldog, I have had them in the past and dearly loved them, after my last one died of old age I just haven't been able to get another one but someday I will.

14: What's your favorite place to relax?

Hot Tub

15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?

My sense of humor 

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?

Lady Gaga 

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?

No and have never watched it at all, I hate sports 

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event live?

See above answer 

19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?

Steak from Acapulco 

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
Margarine.  I grew up with butter and always thought I didn't like butter until I discovered margarine.

Pt 2

21: Would you swear in front of your parents?


22: Which continents have you been on?

Europe and North America

23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?


24: Why did you name your blog whatever you named your blog?

Because it says it all. I love to stay in my pajama's and I take Klonopin

25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?

I will as soon as I get my ticket to Charlie's Chocolate Factory or an invite to Elton John's home

26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up? Post a picture if you can.

Richie Rich   

27: In a past life I must have been a...

Witch, I may have that confused with Bitch

28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?


29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?

From London to Indianapolis

30: The longest you've ever slept?

Do coma's count? If so then about 4 weeks

31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?

No and No for kittens, but dogs yes

32: Do you pluck your eyebrows?

No, I have them waxed

33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?

None, I hate beans

34: How far can you throw a baseball?

Far enough to hit my ex husband in the head

35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?

I would go back to England

36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?

I thought the Ethiopian's didn't have food?  Yes to all, some good and some bad.

37: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If Chuck had wood, I wouldn't have cobwebs