Sunday, March 31, 2013

Thank You Donna!

Thank you so much for the award!! Donna's blog is at Can't Keep It In No More, go pay her a visit and I promise you will get a good read and a good laugh. Love her writing style.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Life Should Go Backwards

I realized that Demon Seed and the Devil's advocate have now turned 18. OK, who am I kidding, I have been dreaming and waiting 18 yrs for this! I can now reclaim major parts of my life that you give up when having children. You must remember there are three older ones so it's been a really long time.

I can pee alone again, I was worried about this one. Afraid that after so many years of being monitored my kidney's would not be able to function on their own. I tried it out today and thank God they still work, I was so dreading having to borrow a neighbors child every time I needed to pee.

I can also bathe alone without one of them busting in with something serious that has to be told to me right that minute. Your afraid to scream "get out!" in case one of them has cut the other one's throat or they need immediate medical care. Sorry, you're 18 drive your damn self to the hospital, can't you see I am taking a bubble bath? The bubble bath was a little rocky, it's been so long that I could stay in there long enough to enjoy it that I just didn't bother so when I sent to buy bubble bath I mistakenly bought body wash, which lays like clots of blood and just floats around.

I walked right out of my house today and didn't announce where I was going, when I was coming home and never even uttered the words "call me if you need me".

They went to their friends last night and I didn't look at the clock one time to make sure they were not out past the time I told them to be home. Locked the doors, went to bed and right to sleep with my Ambien and Klonopin on board. They have keys, it's time they learn to use them and not lose them. Lose them now and I am no longer obligated to let you into the safety of my warm house.

I can eat a whole sandwich and freely without a conscious say no when one asks "Can I have a bite?", sorry, you should have stopped and bought one for yourself on the way home, this one is all mine and I am licking every last drop of sauce.

Since all their friends are also over 18 now I no longer feel guilt when calling one of them a fucking idiot. They are old enough to handle it. If not, go home. My house is no longer a playground or meeting place.

I read a book in the quiet and was startled to realize they have not sucked out all my brain matter as I have suspected for the last few years. I could actually follow the story line. Something is still left in there. Maybe I can build on it and be normal again.

I am no longer legally obligated to any of them, I don't have to provide  housing, provide medical care or even feed them. Now it is a courtesy on my part and if a better offer comes along well I might just take it and they can go to McDonald's on their own dime.

But I also realized life should go backwards, we should have children when we are old and we get younger as they age. Then I could do all things I didn't get to do with the blood suckers around, now I am too old and most of the time to tired to do all those things. It would be much easier to find a young, handsome billionaire if I was 25 yrs old again. Now my best chances for wealth are to find a sick old billionaire that is ready to die but still healthy enough to sign the will, but hell even they want someone who looks like Anna Nicole Smith or they have a bunch of kids hanging around ready to contest the will.

My ass at 25 yrs would look so much better on the back of that Harley when we take long trips out of town, as it is now I feel really sorry for the bikers in line behind us that have to look at it. I also feel a little sorry for my friend I am with as he has to look at the old ass hanging off the bike in front of us.

I could pretend to drown in the pool and be saved by one of the handsome lifeguards, I'm afraid if I try it now they will either get into a fight over which one has to come and get me or simply say "don't worry about it, the old girl doesn't have much life left in her anyway, we will just act like we didn't see her."

Instead of sitting around plotting ways to get back at them when I get too old to live alone and have to move in with one of them, I could be planning a trip to the Riviera with Johnny Depp. I would be strong enough at 25 yrs old to chase him down, rope him, tie him up and force him on the plane. I would be afraid to try it now, with my eyesight I might make a big mistake and get Jack Nicholson, never realizing I was only able to catch him in the first place because he is older than dirt and couldn't outrun me.

I could stomp my foot and scream "You can't tell me what to do, I'm leaving!" and have a ton of friends houses to crash at until I decide to sober up and come home. Where would I go now? Down to the corner nursing home and beg them to let me spend the night for the mere price of $1,000? I couldn't afford that after having to buy my own drinks at the bar because I am no longer 25 yrs old when a few bats of the eyelashes gets you a free drink.

Somehow I am not sure I came out the winner after all.

You Don't Really Live In A Barbie World! Get Over It!

I haven't been around much, just popping in here and there. Not because I haven't wanted to but because I have been busy dealing with something that took a lot of time and my anger level was off the chart, you would not have enjoyed a post I made during the past two weeks of my rage.

First let me explain, one of my daughters, Fantasy Barbie, has been going through a custody battle for the last three years. It isn't her, it's her ex husband that started it and continues it. The problem is there is nothing bad on either parent, they have different parenting styles, neither one bad, just different. The only difference is my ex son-in-law likes to have control of any and all people, conversations and situations, one reason him and I have never gotten along, I am not a controllable person. But he has been a good Dad, just as Fantasy Barbie has been a good Mom, a trait she most surely didn't get from me. If you can't fix yourself your own sandwich by the age of 3 you don't need lunch was my parenting philosophy, she only expects her's to do it by the time they are 40. If you can't get your clothes to the damn laundry hamper by the age of 10 then you better be learning how to use the washer and dryer or wear it dirty, do I look like Inspector Clouseau? She on the other hand will hunt that last stray sock down for days to make sure it is washed and in the drawer for her 16 yr old. If one of mine at the age of 16 had walked out of his room, down the hallway, past a bathroom with a glass in it, down the stairs into the den and ask me to get him a drink of water he would be met with gales of laughter and still have a dry mouth, she gets up and takes those 12 extra steps to the kitchen to get him a drink of water. Mine all could do laundry, cook a full meal, go grocery shopping, read a map so they don't get lost even though I have to use GPS and still can manage to get lost, balance a check book before they left home. I am not convinced hers can even bathe alone, I know for sure they can't get themselves a drink of water so I am not holding out high hopes for them since they are already 13 and 16. Oh did I forget to mention they are also perfect children? Well they are, according to her they never lie, never say a cuss word, never go anywhere she tells them not to go when she is looking. If she blogged, she would be one of the "Mommy Bloggers". This week the Crown Prince's crown not only cracked but fell off his damn head, crashed onto the shiny courtroom tile and busted in a million pieces. Queen Fantasy Barbie has still not recovered from the shock. Especially since it was Demon Seed that took him down. When she was still living at home and they were born she thought they were wonderful, took them everywhere with her, bragged about them, always taking pictures and showing them. Then she got married and got pregnant. She dropped them like a hot potato and would actually shove them out of the way, never even saying a quick "hello" to them when she made one of her rare visits to the house and they would run to greet her. They were only 3 and confused by it. They couldn't understand why someone they worshiped and  who had loved them so much all at once wanted nothing to do with them. Being the smart kids they are, they learned to ignore her back. After her child was born, it didn't matter what he did she always blamed one of them for it. For years they just took the fall for whatever it was and kept their mouth shut. Soon she went from blaming them to actually telling people what bad kids they were, they aren't, they have never given me a single bit of trouble outside of normal kid stuff. When word got back to them it use to hurt it doesn't anymore, now they just don't give a shit about what she says or does. But they have always had a good relationship with the Crown Prince. Until two weeks ago.

I get a call from her attorney, whom I have personally known for 25 yrs and he has known Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate since they were born. He would know if they had gotten into trouble because I would have called him to represent them. He tells me he is pissed and can I come to his office. Now, when he tells you he is pissed you want to be around to see the show because he throws some of the best hissy fits in and out of court I have ever seen. I go to his office thinking he is into it with his wife or just had a bad case and wants to blow off steam since it was after his closing hours. No, it seems the Crown Prince, in order to make himself look big and important or maybe just cool to his friends has written a bunch of text messages, his father found them and called for an emergency hearing. Big deal, he does this about once every two weeks, the judge denies his order and it's over until he thinks of something else to call an emergency hearing on. Keep in mind here that the judge has already ruled on the custody case, months ago. These are all appeal attempts to get a new trial because he didn't get the judgement he wanted, he couldn't control the judge either. We only have one family court judge here so it always goes back in front of the same judge and where we live you can't get a change of venue on custody cases. So this poor judge is going to have to hear this fool until he either retires or the kids turn 18. This time a line was crossed.

I read the text messages and the Crown Prince is accusing Demon Seed of buying and smoking pot with him. He tells dates and times that they have smoked pot together and the little idiot even gave our address in one of the texts. He also tells that his mother "just busted up in my room offering me alcohol to drink". He is using  racial slurs, talking about pornography, giving out pornography website addresses, etc. You know all the types of text messages any perfect Crown Prince would send. So his Dad saw them and filed an emergency hearing for full custody because they children were in danger from Fantasy Barbie giving them alcohol and Demon Seed pumping him full of pot. Fantasy Barbie's attorney, we will call him Harry, because he is bald and would love to have some hair, is pissed alright but not at Demon Seed. He is pissed because he knows the history and because Fantasy Barbie came into the office blaming it all on Demon Seed. She still owed him $2,000 from the last hearing, this time he made her pay that plus another $2,000 up front for this new hearing and then informed her she had just paid for the defense of the only victim in the whole mess, which was Demon Seed. Upon which I am sure she toddled a little in those Barbie heels and called Ken to cry about how unfair it was. I am now furious too. I could easily prove that Demon Seed wasn't in the state on several of those dates given, I could prove he was in the hospital on two of the dates given and in quarantine from his surgery on the rest of the dates given. She knew this and was still trying to throw Demon Seed in front of the bus to save the Crown Prince. So we are armed when we get to the hearing.

Fantasy Barbie is still under the impression that the world sees her son wearing same rose colored glasses she sees him through. She has always not wanted the kids on the stand and Harry has honored that, until this time and he tells her he is putting the Crown Prince on the stand and if she doesn't like it she has about 10 minutes to fire him and hire another attorney before the hearing starts. She is backed into a corner and as hard as she kicked those little Barbie heels she was ignored. Harry informs her that today the only person he is there to protect is Demon Seed so she need to put her big girl panties on and take some responsibility for what her son did and what she was trying to do. She shuts up but the mascara is still running down her face and we all know how much mascara Barbie wears. Then he has the judge order on the spot drug tests for the Crown Prince, Fantasy Barbie, Ken and Demon Seed. Harry informs her she is paying for the three of them and he himself is paying for Demon Seed's. Another uprising, quickly squashed by Harry. The tests are done and then the results are slapped down, and I do mean that he really did slap them down in front of the judge and Fantasy Barbie. The only one that didn't pass was the Crown Prince. Now she is convinced that Harry tampered with the results and wants it done again in front of the judge. Everyone agreed so the judge accompanies them to have the test on the Crown Prince and Demon Seed done again. Of course it was the same result, Demon Seed clean, no drugs in his system and the Crown Prince dirty, THC in his system in high levels. I'm sure if we could have seen it the white picket fence around their house just fell over. Harry refuses to let the judge, the other side or anyone even talk to Demon Seed because he really isn't a part of this custody case only the victim of malicious lies so he can't be called unless he wants to be. He doesn't, thank God, because all he has done for the last two weeks is threaten to kill or maim the Crown Prince the next time he sees him and I wasn't so sure how that would look in court. So Harry gets the Crown Prince on the stand, has him repeat all the dates and times this supposedly happened and then knocks each one of them down with proof that couldn't be disputed that Demon Seed was no where near him during those times. The crown started to slip a little. Then he lays into him about being a lying malicious child trying to put off on someone else the things he was doing to make himself look big to friends and innocent to his parents. The crown cracked. By the time he got done with him the crown is in pieces on the floor, even the jewels were smashed.

Then the big surprise hit all of us, Harry included. The judge issued an Order of Protection for Demon Seed against the Crownless Prince. He can't be around him, talk to him, try to communicate with him by phone, text, computer, any gaming system, etc, he can not use his name in any writings or conversation with friends or family until he turns 18 yrs old, reverses the emergency hearing reinstating the custody order right back to what it has been from the beginning and it was over. Or so we thought.

The other side then stands and declares they are filing for a whole new trial this time and want to know how to proceed with calling Dylan as a hostile witness with the Order of Protection in place. The judge cleared that up for him real quick by issuing another Order of Protection for Demon Seed against the Crownless Prince's Dad's entire family and legal team. Bang! "You can't call him, he isn't a part of this custody hearing but obviously your going to try to scapegoat him again and this court is going to protect this kid because he is the only victim in this whole matter and his testimony will only be allowed if Demon Seed comes to me personally and tells me he wants to and I am fairly confident he isn't going to do that." He then turns to Demon Seed and wishes him a Happy 18th Birthday and apologizes that a bunch of "rabid idiots" tried to ruin it for him. By now Fantasy Barbie is ripping her clothes in mourning and she isn't even Jewish.

So we are leaving and in the courthouse parking lot Harry comes up and hands Demon Seed a $100 bill and tells him Happy Birthday and that he knows he wants to beat the hell out of the Crownless Prince but to at least wait until the Crownless Prince is 18 to do it and he promises to defend him and get him off all for free as long as he throws a few licks in for him. Fantasy Barbie, stormed off jumped into the Barbie Corvette, slammed the door and we haven't heard from her since. Amazing to me that she still can't see why Demon Seed, Harry or I should be so upset with the Crownless Prince, that she doesn't understand why Demon Seed just didn't take the fall for the Crownless Prince like he always has, that this time she crossed a line, that she was willing to throw her own brother in front of the bus even knowing it was all lies, that she can't see the reason for the Order of Protection for Demon Seed, or the reason I told her to "shut up" when she tried to "shhhhh" me when I asked Harry a question about Demon Seed and Harry told her she was just damn lucky I consented to even sit in the same room with her at this point, etc. I guess the best answer would be her theme song.

I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation