Tuesday, April 16, 2013

For Donna

Because you never fail at any of these things!

"Unique Beds"

I need a new bed desperately, but once I figured out that no matter how hard I batted my eyelashes at the salesman or how many blow jobs I promised he wasn't going to give me one for free I gave up and came home to look beds up online.

Why not just sit in a chair? This reminds me of a sideways hospital bed with a headboard nailed to the side.

Why do you want your bed to look like a book? I re-name this the No Sex Bed Book

Do you realize how many bones I would break just trying to turn over and flipping out?

The Magnetic Bed. What happens if the magnet fails. Yep, more broken bones!

I'm not sure if I would be claustrophobic or think about breakfast all night. I don't think I want to sleep in an egg.

At first glance this one looks interesting, but then I realized it was just the TV, how would you stretch out and really get comfortable in this thing?

What if you want to lay on your other side? 

Now these two beds are perfect for me!

The Senso Water Massage Bed, I can live with the fact that it strongly resembles a pool table.

And it massages!

Considering I have no more of those nasty little creatures called small children, or as Eric from Trueblood calls them "Pocket Humans" I don't even know how I got into looking at children's beds. But I have learned I had a very deprived childhood by not having one of these and might even sleep in one now just to make up for lost time.

"No dear, don't worry it won't screw up her sense of not mixing polka dots and stripes when she learns to dress herself"

"If we put astro turf under it instead of green carpet it might leave a few rug burns when she falls out but it looks more like grass and is so much cuter this way"

This is called the Eco Friendly bed. Why? Because it has trees and clouds painted on it?

Not exactly sure how you're suppose to get up on that side bench to sit. This one might be made for people like me who don't exactly have a fondness for small children so they buy it for their friends who have that spoiled little brat that throws a fit everywhere they try to take her. "Hey just sit her up there on that bench she can't get down until we get back anyway"

Yes, this is really a bed, I just haven't found it yet. I think I see a pillow peaking out through one window. Talk about letting your child know you are ready for her to leave home right away.

Hope the Great Dane can tell the difference between bed and food!

Told you I was deprived!

More proof my parents didn't like me.

It's So Much Harder To Name Yourself Than It Is To Name Your New Baby

Since I was about 6 yrs old I have hated my given name and have said for years I was going to change it. My parents had to have been drugged, drunk or half asleep when they picked it out, then gave it some foreign spelling no one could even pronounce, so everyone started calling me something close to it, and I hated that name even more. Even my parents started calling me that name. Fortunately when my first nephew was born he could't even begin to pronounce either so he just called me Shea. Now I like Shea, but it isn't a name I would have chosen for myself.  Every new place we seemed to go in the military it was $600-$800 to go to court to have it legally done and it would take several months to go through the court system. So when we retired and moved here I just never bothered to ask. A few weeks ago out of boredom(don't judge, you will do a lot of crazy ass shit when your on bed rest as many weeks as I was) I called to ask what it would cost me here, I thought that I heard her wrong when she said $65 for the whole thing and it would take about  5 minutes. Maybe they have a lot of name changes, you know the kids here become teenagers and don't want anyone to know about the family inbreeding so they make it easy for them. Just a guess. I mean my kids have a lot of friends and you think by looking at some of them that they don't stray far from the same gene pool, then Mom and Dad come to pick them up and it's confirmed because Mom and Dad look just alike too. How do they all know what to call each other? Do they say Daddy or Uncle Daddy? Anyway I finally have the chance to do it, a Mother's Day gift from my daughter(my kids have always known how badly I have wanted to do this). So first the kids want to name me, yeah, shot them down real quick with some of the names they were coming up with and the fact that they couldn't agree except on the first name. So I let them pick the first name.

This is when I went to Donna, as she is only one of three people on here that know my real name and one of them doesn't blog, just comes to read. Mistake, big mistake. She's my girl but we are total opposites in the name department. She likes Grandma names and I like something a little newer, not too common and at times even trendy. Now I hate cutesy names like Brittney, Whitney, Brandy, etc. I would throw up just a little every time I heard someone use it and am quite sure I would be left with a gag reflex that was permanently damaged causing me to spit up constantly. But cutesy names wasn't a problem with Donna, she isn't big on them either. She just likes Grandma names. People do you understand she threw the name Alberta on the table?! I wish I could remember some of the others but I think my mind was protecting me and blocked my memory of our conversation that night. But you have to give my girl credit, she knows every Grandma name there is to know! But the hilarious part was listening to her comments on the names my kids and I had chosen. What a night, she had me laughing so hard over names that night.

Now the big decision is to keep my last name or change it too. It doesn't exactly have good memories for me, I don't want to go back to my maiden name but I have never thought about last names before. I no longer have any kids in school so it isn't that important to have the same last name anymore, that's the only reason I have kept it in the first place. I ask all my kids and they all think it is a great idea to pick one out I like and use that. Get rid of the name with bad memories and start fresh. I sat down and literally could only think of two last names and I didn't even like them, it was just names that popped into my head. So I grabbed a phone book and picked out a last name. I was afraid to ask Donna. Is there such a thing as old people last names too?

Oh and just why is Obama so pissed off because someone said his wife looks like a gorilla? Shouldn't he be worrying more about the bombings in Boston yesterday? I am 100% sure it isn't the first time he has heard it and it damn sure won't be the last. I have thought it for years.  I know a beautiful silverback at the local zoo that would make a perfect mate for her, I just worry she won't be pretty enough for him and he will reject her.

MIA But Not By Choice

I have a few blogs drafted that I wrote while everything was going on, I'm going to try, remember that word "try", to get them up in the next day or so.

First set back was a nice, not so pleasant case of the Shingles that really did me in. Bed rest. Since my laptop isn't working and I don't have enough words to describe how much I hate my tablet I only had my cell. Do you realize how hard it is to type on that thing when your highly medicated with pain pills, muscles relaxants, Neurontin and Klonopin? The short, stubby fingers and broken glasses don't help a lot either.

For two years when I was a child I missed every damn holiday that rolled around and my family got together for huge dinners at every holiday. The first year it was a nasty case of flu on Easter, I don't count the 4th of July because even though I am easily distracted by bright shiny objects I do not like the sound so I always begged my Mom to take me to my Aunt(who hated them worse than I did)and let me stay with her. If my parent's didn't take me I kicked up such a fuss and complained so much through the whole "picnic on the hill until the fireworks start" that they eventually, ok, they are't stupid, after the first time they gladly took me to her house. But then comes Thanksgiving and the mumps. Then Christmas comes and I get the measles on Christmas Eve. I weathered them but hated missing the big dinners and of course no one wanted to come to Typhoid Mary's house for dinner.

Second year came Easter rolls around. Guess who has a double ear infection and strep throat? Yep, me, Typhoid Mary. Thanksgiving comes and I spent it in the hospital with pneumonia. Then Christmas, my favorite holiday of all. There isn't anything I don't like about Christmas (except not having money to buy gifts with, but that wasn't such a concern when I was 7), I love the smells, the sounds, the decorations and my favorite of all is the tree. Well except the year we trusted Christmas tree shopping to my Mom who came home with a Charlie Brown tree because she felt sorry for it. I swear the stupid thing didn't have but to branches to put anything on and all the needles had fallen off of it. She was quickly dispatched back for another tree fearing she would be hanged from the highest limb on that Charlie Brown tree. She brought it in while we were at school and Dad was at work and had it beautifully decorated by the time we got home. The only thing she forgot was that my Dad and I both are highly allergic to Cedar trees and that one had to go too. She was never again trusted to get the Christmas trees. Anyway this second Christmas I wake up with the worst case of chicken pox my doctor said he had ever seen. I was an itchy, painful mess and they lasted forever. But once they were gone I trusted them to never come back. I didn't know that someday those damn things would climb out of the dark recesses of my body and attack again. Only this time I think they were pissed at me because I kept picking their scabs off all those years ago so they gave me a nasty case of shingles. I didn't treat them nicely this time either and I cussed them a lot. That was before my Dr told me I could get them again sometime. If I had known that before I would have sang lullabies to them and fluffed their pillows every night. Just so maybe, just maybe they will pass me by again.

Before I even get off bed rest I get a call in the middle of the night that my son, who is a professional diver, that's actually his job, was attacked by a shark 600 miles out in the middle of the ocean and they are making arrangements to fly him back to shore to the trauma hospital. At first I thought it was one of those Ambien dreams everyone talks about but I never seem to have, I really did, seriously who gets attacked by a shark in the middle of the damn night? My child, that's who. His excuse is "Mom it's just as dark under the water in the daytime as it is at night so it really doesn't make a difference" As you can imagine the next several days were taken up with him, his injuries, his surgeries, lot of praying and thankfulness that he didn't lose a limb. All can be repaired, minus some bone the shark took with him and they are rebuilding that. He looks a lot like Robo Cop right now with all the pins, screws, strings attached to everything so they can test movement through the brace without taking the brace off.  Immediately after surgery he had full functionality but in the last two days he has lost some feeling on one area, the dr thinks it's just swelling pushing against a nerve and it will come back as soon as the swelling goes down. He is looking at a year of recovery. But since he was on the job when it happened the company he works for is giving him his full pay until he can dive again, told him they thought a shark attack was definitely qualifications for a promotion and pay raise, paid all hospital bills and bought all his medicine. They send someone by everyday to see if he needs anything. They have been really good to him through this ordeal. He does think it's hilarious that his personal ringtone on my phone is now the theme song from the movie "Jaws". I just thank God he has 15 years experience at this, knows marine life in and out and knew how to save himself. I always thought just punch them in the nose and they went away, well turns out that only works on some sharks, it just pisses the Mako shark off more. Then he goes into this long explanation how to ward off the each individual shark (some I have never heard of) during an attack. I told him I would remember that the next time I get in the bathtub or a hot tub since that is the deepest and only body of water I ever get in. A shark gets me on the beach it better have some legs hidden somewhere cause I just skim the shoreline and let the water wash over my feet.