Where Is The Battery?

I just finished reading Monkey's latest post over at The Ranting Monkey, you need to check him out. Anyway, and I'm not going to tell you what his post is, you can go read it yourself, but right after reading it I realized what an "impact" it had on me. I was eating a Hot Mamma pickled sausage, didn't want to finish it and was trying to stuff it back in the plastic wrapper. Thanks Monkey for all the images that brought to my mind!!

Also Lily's son, Spawn has started a blog for all Dr. Who fans and those, such as me, that know nothing about him but am learning through Spawn. It's great reading and he knows his stuff. Go check him out at Last Of The Zolfa-Thurans

Phone call from Mom (who lives 700 miles away from me):

Mom: It's raining cats and dogs outside. Is it raining there too?
Me:    Yes, it's coming down hard here too and we are under flood warnings.
Mom: Look at the way it is coming down sideways.
Me:    Mom, I can't see how your rain is coming down sideways from here.
Mom: All you have to do is get up and look outside!
Me:    Mom, I live 700 miles away, just because it is raining sideways at your house doesn't mean it is here.
Mom: Well, just get up and look at it anyway, I bet it is.
I get up and go look look, no sideways rain here where I live.
Me:    No sideways rain it's coming down straight.
Mom: Well, that is strange ours is sideways.
What can I say?

Demon Seed wants to borrow $10, I don't have a ten only a twenty, I told him to bring me the change back and because he has no job and refused to sign a contract  I basically have no legal expectation of being paid back so taking him to court for the other $10 is not an option. So yesterday we were out and I wanted to stop for a fountain drink, I thought I was being slick by telling him to just buy them out of the $10 left over from the night before that he hadn't give me back yet. Today I open my email with a message from PayPal thanking me for using their credit card and giving me a receipt for the drinks. I ask about it and his excuse, which makes perfect since to him, was that he had used it to put gas in the car and since he put it in MY car then he technically gave me the money back. He doesn't get the part that even if he DID put it in my car I didn't ask him too and he was the one that used the car to run that gas out still leaving him owing me$10. He just looked at me as if I had two heads sprouting asparagus out of them and walked off.  We are now at a stand off with the car keys being held hostage, locked safely in my lock box, when that $10 shows up he can have them back. How much you want to bet he has that lock picked before today is over? But that's OK too, he can't get far without a battery in the car. Now that, he won't think to look for.

Blocking Out the Crankiness

I'm a little cranky today. I can't find one pack of potato chips in this whole damn place that I like and since snacks is my major food source that is enough to throw off my whole day.  My stapler is MIA and I am too lazy to go search for another one because that would only mean I would have to address the ton of paperwork on my desk. I have an entire 90 count of Trazadone "unaccounted for" so I need to ferret out the person that is accountable for the unaccounted for Trazadone. I also had 30 hydrocodone tablets "unaccounted for", that culprit was found immediately, I hate it when the pharmacy screws up, get it in your head, I don't trust you so I always do a count on any meds that come from you, and I would appreciate it if you would not ever give me that bullshit warehouse excuse again! I have managed to give out two doses of Phenobarbital, one dose of Synthroid, two doses of Atenolol and one allergy injection without causing any major bodily harm. I think I will sit back here at my desk, door closed and ignore the rest of the day. Instead of paperwork I am going to blog. Unfortunately the ton of paperwork from yesterday and the price of having to get new glasses again has fried my brain and I seem to only be able to reflect on the simplicity of life in the past. So I am going to take a trip down Memory Lane to cheer myself up.

Chatty Cathy

I feel it only fair to start with the biggest injustice of my life. Chatty Cathy. I must have been around 7 or 8 when she came out in her little blue dress with the white blouse under it, face covered in freckles and teeth. Those teeth had me fascinated, I had never seen a doll with teeth showing before. I didn't give a shit that she actually talked even though at times she got "stuck" and sounded like Satan which highly amused me, I just wanted her because of those teeth. I begged, I pleaded and still I didn't get a Chatty Cathy doll, my mother thought her endearing teeth made her look "creepy". Then it happened, one of my best friends and neighbor that I played with every day got my beloved Chatty Cathy for her birthday. But being the stingy child she was she wouldn't let anyone play with her toys. I was devastated. To this day I still haven't gotten that Chatty Cathy doll.

Rotary phones and party lines

Black rotary dialed phones with actual operators and party lines? You simply picked up your phone and an operator would say "Number Please" and you gave her the number you were calling. Funny I can still remember our number was 555J and my Aunt's was 886B, she then connected the lines for you at a switchboard. Along with this came party lines. It works like this 6-10 different households (neighbors, sometimes total strangers) share the same line, each has a phone in their own home, kind of like having an extension in your house today. Only one person at a time could use the phone, but any of the other 5 could pick up their phone in their homes and hear the conversation. If anyone else was using the phone, you were just shit out of luck until they hung up.  Obviously not a well thought out plan, do you realize how much fun a 10 yr old can have with a party line? We had one, a party line of 6. We had one old witch on ours, Mrs. Swayzee, who listened in on one everyone else's conversations, sometimes rudely butting in with a comment of her own. I loved it when my mother would lose her temper and let fly on Mrs. Swayzee. It also made her a target for us kids, we never bothered anyone else, ok I lied, we bothered everyone else on our party line. If we could catch a conversation it was heaven, bring out the belches, the farts, the high pitched squeals, taped music, banging pots and pans together, anything we could think of to disrupt their conversation. Luckily for us there was no way to trace back exactly which line the trouble makers were coming from. Then some idiot got smart and gave everyone their own line. I like to think we had a part in furthering technology.

Wringer washing machines and clothes drying on the line

Saturday was wash day, we had this set up until I was about 8 and then my mother moved into the future when my Dad bought her an automatic washer and dryer. She loved the washer but wasn't so sure about the dryer, she claimed it took the "fresh smell" out of the clothes. When she discovered she didn't have to iron the clothes that came out of the dryer she suddenly forgot about that all important "fresh smell" and never looked back. The way it worked was you filled the tub with water, some had to be filled by hand with buckets of water, we were high class and actually had a hose that connected to ours that filled it just like it does the automatic washers today. Can you believe we actually had a laundry room with this monstrosity in it? Anyway once you put the clothes and detergent in the tub agitated (ours by just pushing a button, others you had to hand crank). Repeat without detergent to rinse. Then each piece of clothing was run through the ringer at the top, you fed the clothes in like a pasta machine, twice, to wring out the excess water. Then your ready for the outside clothes line and wooden clothes pins and prayed for no rain. I use to think it was hilarious in the winter to watch her take the frozen clothes off the line, stiff and holding their shape as if someone just disintegrated inside them and try to stuff them in a clothes basket to bring them in. Today, I just thank God that I was too young to help with laundry and that my mother was the type that didn't think children should do household chores beyond carrying our plates to the sink after dinner.

Rolller Rinks

Roller skating was a big part of my pre-teen and teen years, I actually started around 10 yrs old. It was easy for me, my best friend's uncle owned the local skating rink so we had full use even if it was closed. We used all that practice time when it was closed and could skate like pro's by the time we were 12 yrs old. We did all the jumps, spins, etc. But the most important part of skating was the skates. My parent's paid a fortune for each pair of skates (if your just going around and around the rink any skate will do, but our kind of skating required special made skates) and I would wear a pair out in 6 months time. All our rollers, skate strings, bearings and toe stops were free because her uncle also sold them and just let us pick out what we wanted whenever we wanted. We had strings and wheels in every possible color. But that skate pom was a necessarry accessory. It ALWAYS had to match the wheels and strings and be decorated with something, now you could use a multi-colored skate pom as long as at least one color in it matched your wheels and strings. I had a drawer that held nothing but skate poms in all different colors and shapes.  I'm telling you we were skate connoisuer's of the skate world. Later on after my husband joined the military we found ourselves in North Dakota. I figured I was so good at roller skating that ice skating shouldn't be that different. First time on the ice my balance was fine and I was soon ice skating like I had done it for years, until it came time to stop.  I broke my nose, my arm and was bruised all over. No one remembered to tell me the "stopping" technique is entirely different. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your four year old try to teach you how to stop so you don't end up in the hospital again? I never did get that stopping down very well, unless there was a snow bank handy. Now I was a pro at skating straight into a snow bank to stop myself.

Safety

We never locked our doors when we sleep at night and our house had two sets of french doors, one slider, double front door, back door and the basement door. You didn't need to, you felt safe. Most of the time my parents didn't even close all the doors, the ones with screens were left open.

My parents drove a Mercedes and a Cadillac, the keys stayed in the ignition all the time and the top to the Mercedes was rarely put up(only on rainy, cold or snowy days), day or night. Someone stealing your car was not even a thought or concern. We had a garage but I honestly don't ever remember seeing a car parked in it.

We played outside until midnight, even at the age of 8 or 9 yrs while our parents played cards on the patio, or the neighbors sat on one or another's patio just to chat. We didn't stay in the yard, we ran and terrorized the entire neighborhood. There was no fear of kids being snatched and kidnapped. We went trick or treating alone and hit every house in town, we didn't have to worry about anyone putting razor blades or poison in our candy and a lot of our treats were homemade goods, those were the best ones. Back then a missing child simply meant he/she had decided to eat dinner at someone's house and forgot to call home and tell Mom or Dad.

Homes

I think formica tables were a requirement back then, my mother assures me they weren't but she has lied to me before when she covered up that the cat ate my hamster so I don't believe her since everyone I knew had one in their kitchen. Wood was fine for the dining room, but never the kitchen.

Most homes had only one bathroom, thank God my Dad had better sense and built our house with three, if he had not it would have been an ugly scene and I fear some of us would not be alive today. But that was rare, many families with 4 or 5 kids, or more had one bathroom to share.

Bread, milk, cottage cheese and butter were delivered to your door. I didn't realize someone brought them for years, to me it seemed like it was just magically there when you woke up in the morning. I still have the set of thermal glasses they delivered cottage cheese in once for a promotion, I stole them from my Mom a few years ago when she threatened to throw them away. I'm not really sure it could be considered a theft when she stood there and watched me gather them up then threw in a few Corning Ware baking dishes too.

The paper was delivered by boys on bicycles. I hated our paper boy and use to set traps so he would wreck in front of our house. But I did love watching my Dad chase our St. Bernard around the house, and it was a big house, to try and get the newspaper every night before the dog could shred it. My Dad use to come up with all these elaborate plans to beat the dog to the paper, they never worked and we rarely ever got a newspaper that was not shredded on the corners or had holes bitten out of the middle of some important article they wanted to read. This same dog ate a tire off of one of the cars, literally chewed the concrete steps off in big chunks (my Dad fought the concrete company for months over "bad concrete" until he actually saw the dog doing it), ate a corner off our house which was made of stone, drag the clothes off the clothes line (I suspect this might be another reason my Mom grew to love her automatic dryer), followed us to school every day and refused to leave, the school finally gave in when the weather got cold and just let him in the building where he spent his days wandering around visiting different classrooms and taking naps in the principles office, he would lay down in front of doors at home or lay in a bathtub and refuse to move (you just don't pick up a St. Bernard and move it out of the way) the only way to bribe him to move was to give him a half gallon of ice cream. We had a freezer in the basement that belonged to this dog, it was full of nothing but ice cream. We had to put him in the house when we were in the pool, he considered everyone that went in the water as someone he had to save and would jump in and drag the person trying to swim out of the water. No child under the age of 3 was getting away from him, he had his imaginary perimeter that he thought that child should be in and if it wandered out of his perimeter he would go grab it by the clothing and drag it back, my mother always said he was the best babysitter she ever had.

Riding the horses as a family, sometimes with friends that also owned horses. My parents raised Arabians, but we had other breeds as well and we loved to trail ride. Well everyone except my Mom's Appaloosa, who always, without fail would stop and take a nap during a trail ride. Riding through creeks, jumping fences...I so miss my horses.

The preparations for visiting family that lived out of town (all of an hour and a half drive). The kids had to have a blanket, a pillow, stop for food, stop to pee at least twice, pushing and shoving in the backseat because someone "touched" someone else. God, I drive further than that now just to go out to dinner but back then it was a big deal.

Every Saturday going to the grocery store for groceries and getting comic books and junk food. I always came home with 9 or 10 of them, took a bath, put on my baby doll pj's and then laid in front of the fan for hours reading, snacking and keeping cool. No one had air conditioners back then, it was the fan or nothing.

Remember

Beeman, Clove, Black Jack and Teaberry gum?

Candy cigarettes? Because smoking was "cool" back then.

Lucy and Ricky sleeping in twin beds?

Drive-In movie theaters?

RC Cola?

Bonanza every Sunday night?

When you got your first color television?

Transistor radios?

Those horrible metal lawn chairs that burned your ass if you didn't keep them in the shade?

Silly Putty?

Slinkies?

Jingle Jumpers?

When nylons came in two pieces? The guy that invented panty hose was a genius!

Making bracelets from gum wrappers or making daisy chains?

Mallow Cups? I still find these from time to time and buy a shit load of them at one time.

Girls using the small empty juice cans to roll their hair? Please tell me why!

Girls using brush rollers and sleeping in them for the 30 minutes of curl they provided the next day?

Getting inoculations and a TB test at school?

Settling down in the den floor with your brothers and sisters, cousins or best friend to watch scary movies?

Sammy Terry's Nightmare Theater and his pet spider?

Free gifts such as wash clothes, glasses or towels in boxes of laundry detergent?

Being forced to watch Watching  Bing Crosby's Christmas show on television every year?

Playing freeze tag or cigarette tag?

Swapping class rings with your boyfriend to show you were going steady?

Waiting on that sweetheart ring and then the pre-engagement ring? No one I knew ever made it all the way to the engagement ring phase. LOL

The phase girls went through wearing white lipstick and nail polish?

There was no home delivery from restaurants? How did I ever survive that one?

I will always regret that my children didn't get to experience the simpler, safer side of life and have the freedom I did as a child to just be a child.

Today, I really want to go back there!

The Week of But She's Pretty Child's Visit

I can't remember if I ever told you all about "Dexter" or not, Klonopin has a way of doing that for you, blocking out the unpleasant. So a quick refresher.

I went out on a date with this guy and I honestly can't remember his real name anymore because I started calling him Dexter in my mind about half way through the date when he ask me if I had ever had sex with an animal and then invited me to tour the water treatment plant with him. I am just wanting to go home at that point. I made it home alive, thinking I had been rude enough that Dexter would never darken my doorstep again. I was wrong. Over the next few days he called several times, always asking me out on "interesting" dates, a walk through the botanical gardens after dark, the gun range to practice shoot, a tour of the fish hatchery, etc. Naturally I turned him down. Freak is being nice in describing this guy. So I finally got rid of him and haven't heard from him for months. Yesterday he shows up with an early Christmas gift, just what every woman wants, a pocket knife. Now I will shoot a gun with you all day and I'm going to hit my target dead on but I am terrified of opening a pocket knife. Can you shank someone with a closed pocket knife? I always imagine doing it the wrong way and cutting off a finger and it would kind of take the fear away from the guy that breaks in your house if you have to ask him to open the knife for you. My friend jokingly suggested that Dexter now wants me to join him in his serial killer escapades, we long ago decided he has serial killer somewhere in his blood. Come on, what would you think if someone ask you to take a tour of the water treatment plant at midnight? So I have decided if he wants me to join him in his activities he is going to have to do a better job of promoting his career. He is going to have to show up with the handgun of my choice and there are rules attached. We start with my list first, not his. But then again do I really want to kill them or just come back to haunt them? I think haunting would be more fun.

But She's Pretty Child came in from Nashville for a week before Thanksgiving and we had all kinds of neatly laid out plans. None of which happened because we have neanderthals in our family who do not respect other's plans. She had worked 40 hrs in 3 days to get those extra days off, then work a 10 hr day and immediately drove 4 hrs to get here after work that day, she was exhausted. She wasn't even in town yet when Fantasy Barbie decided it was time for drama to start. Now, But She's Pretty Child didn't get here until 2:00am on Monday night. Fantasy Barbie calls about midnight and wants to have Thanksgiving early, like the next day, for her convenience. I refused, told her there was no time to prepare that fast and But She's Pretty Child needed to at least have one day of rest, she didn't like my answer and went into full Fantasy Barbie drama mode. We ignored her.

Our first day we had planned on just laying around in our pj's(she is truly my twin) being lazy and watching movies all day. At 9:00am the doorbell starts ringing and didn't stop until 11:00pm that night. I will give you that the girl is funny as hell, has the ability to do absolutely stupid things without even realizing it and she is beautiful. So Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate decide to bring every friend they have ever met since kindergarten to meet her. As much as I told them she was not an animal on display at the zoo I was ignored. Although I did get her to do a some monkey calls and beat her chest in front of a few of them. I guess you can make very loud, screeching monkey calls while beating your chest as long as your beautiful, they didn't seem to mind a bit. Next we tried "trucker language" that didn't stop them either. Some just stared at her, she told one if he didn't stop staring she was going to charge him for it. The fool was dead serious when he ask her how much. Hell if I had known they were willing to pay I would have put her in the corner, threw a few Christmas decorations on her and charged them myself!

Second day we had plans to get our hair cut and colored by our favorite stylist, Baybay. He not only is the best around but amusing and rude as hell. Just like us, only he is gay and we aren't. I always dreamed of having a gay son that went to beauty school but it just wasn't in my cards to have one. We thought it would only take 3 or 4 hours. But we get in there and decide to have the works and both our hair colors are tri-levels so that takes a while, then being the only clients that day the entertainment level and bad language was flowing easily. We ended up staying 7 hrs just goofing off with Baybay. This of course set Fantasy Barbie off on another tangent. To appease her we drove up to visit her before leaving town to come back home. We stayed quite some time, everyone seemed happy and we left to come back to my house.  Before we get here we get an urgent text message from her husband to have But She's Pretty Child call him ASAP. Guess Fantasy Barbie wasn't done yet, after we left she tells her husband that But She's Pretty Child told her he was a dick, mean to the kids and controlling and that Fantasy Barbie should divorce him. Truth is But She's Pretty Child likes the husband more than her own sister and would never have said anything against him. He knew this but wanted to warn her that she was still on a rampage.

Third day is Thanksgiving. We get a text from Fantasy Barbie that she isn't coming. Since she was responsible for some of the food items that this family would literally fall in the floor and cry over if they were not served on a holiday we had to run to the grocery on Thanksgiving morning and buy all the stuff she wasn't coming to bring. Rush back home and cook it all on top of our own food we had to cook and be ready to serve dinner by 2:00pm. We made it with not a minute to spare. At around 2:05pm who walks through the door to have dinner? Yep, Fantasy Barbie. She finally figured out a way to eat and not have to do her share of the cooking. A "Come to Jesus" meeting after dinner between me, But She's Pretty Child and her did have her cleaning up the entire mess though. The whole time she is here she is friendly and talking to everyone. Then she leaves and on the way home told her husband that she had heard me and But She's Pretty Child talking about her when we went outside on the porch for a cigarette and that we had said a bunch of stuff that he had supposedly told us in private about her, that we were making fun of her (that might have been true, but hell we made fun of everyone here, even each other.  But what fun is it if you don't do it to her face? None of that was true, we didn't talk about anyone while out there, we were discussing my moving to Nashville as soon as possible. Which is probably what pissed her off and caused that round of drama. She lives close enough to visit me every day if she wanted but only comes to my house on Thanksgiving and Christmas and only then if I am cooking or have gifts to give her, she might call once every four or five months, if your not sick. If your sick she is afraid she might be ask to do something for you, yet she throws a fit every time I mention moving to Nashville.

On the fourth day I was a very bad girl, but enjoyed every fucking second of it and would do it all over again. My ex whom the kids have not seen or heard from in two or three years, no one can remember exactly when it was or what the occasion might have been. He decides to blow into town on fumes of alcohol, at least that is what Demon Seed swears that he must have converted his truck over to by now, Jack Daniels Whiskey. The kids refuse to go to his house so he decided to come to my house where they do come because I am apparently less offensive than he is and I am sober. Klonopin doesn't count. So he wants the ones that didn't escape in time to go out to dinner with him. Tells Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate he has a surprise for them, tells But She's Pretty Child to make no plans on Saturday (her last full day here) because he has somewhere to take her, she quickly figured out it was a major ballgame that the boys would have loved to attend but he didn't get tickets for them too. Leaving no chewing out to chance she immediately calls her Grandma and tells what he is doing, so he then has to spend an hour getting his ass ripped from his mother. Right away But She's Pretty Child  is pissed and crying, then fighting with him because she stands up for Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate, I actually think it hurts her more than it does them that he slights them in everything. So he breezes in here and gives each of them a $100 and she immediately hands hers to me and says loudly, very loudly "Hold on to this for me Mamma, because as soon as we get back from this God forsaken dinner I am taking the boys to town and spending my ill gained reward on them, so everyone needs to eat real fast before I really snap" Then it happened.  My opportunity to "save them". They go to get in his truck and someone he has locked his keys in it. The type of truck he has is almost impossible to break into let alone unlock a locked door. He tries for about 25 minutes in the 32 degree temps we had that night. We just watch him. Then he calls the cell phone service because he just knows he has Roadside Assistance, he was wrong (he didn't know I took that shit off of his months ago just waiting on a moment like this to happen) but after an hour they were willing to give him one courtesy lock out service for $79, hell did they not understand that would have cut down on his beer money at the ballgame the next day? We just watch him. He then calls his insurance company and after 40 minutes on hold is informed he opted out of Roadside Assistance when he got his insurance policy. We just watch him. Then he paces the parking lot, circles the truck many times running his hands through his hair in frustration for another 30 minutes. We just watch him but we are by now giggling into our mittens, we have a secret. He has been outside for 3 1/2 hours in those 32 degree temps by now. But She's Pretty Child announces it is now too late to go anywhere and eat and I "suddenly" remember that my car insurance covers me in any car, so if I locked my keys in his car they would be here in less than five minutes and get them out for free. I call them, told them they were my keys, they came, unlocked his door and got "my" keys out for me. The whole process took less than 10 minutes. We plead the fifth as to knowing just who locked how those keys got locked in there in the first place and to knowing in advance that my insurance would cover the lock out quickly and free of charge.

On the fifth day he gives the boys some lame excuse about he would have bought them tickets too but he couldn't watch the game and watch them at the same time. Excuse me? They are 6'3" tall and two months away from being 18yrs old,  and considering they are both sober not likely they need a drunk to watch out for them. Who watches them anymore anyway? I sure as hell don't. They did however get a good laugh out of the excuse. Unfortunately it only made But She's Pretty Child even madder, it didn't help any that within two minutes of the game starting one of his friends who had already had to much to drink vomited all down her left side, twice, even into her shoes, a large amount. She could buy a new shirt from a stand and some nice stranger gave her his hoodie but she was stuck with the coat, the jeans and the shoes.  She spent the rest of the game sitting with total strangers because she refused to acknowledge she was with him. I'm just glad I am not the one that had to ride back in the same truck with her. She doesn't hold back. They all swear they will never again suffer his presence.  I say they can all be bought but it will take considerably more than $100 each and a pizza next time. He better be willing to reach deep in those pockets.

On the sixth day we finally had fun the kids blew their money from him on turtle headphones, But She's Pretty Child bought them both a new coat with her money and we went out to eat on what everyone had left over. Then it was movie and snack night in our pj's. No drama, possibly because all of us turned off our cell phones and didn't turn them back on until the next morning.

On the seventh day, we only had half a day before it was time for But She's Pretty Child to head back to Nashville but we enjoyed it, made funny pictures of each other, you know acted like any other kindergarten children would act.

I can't wait to move to Nashville, it will be so nice to be around someone who is as crazy and devious as I am on a full time basis. Better yet she is engaged to a lawyer.....if the need ever arises that we would need his services.

How Do You Climb Out of A Funk When There Are Idiots All Around To Push You Back In?

I'm trying to climb out of this funk I'm in, I really am...well me and Klonopin and a few others the Dr has prescribed. We were doing pretty well, chemically that is, until The Idiots showed up. Have you ever looked around at just how many of  The Idiots surround us? They simply are everywhere or else I have a magnet in my but that pulls them my way and refuses to let them go.

This year isn't easy for me, on my birthday is the anniversary of my son's death. It's hard, never gets better but through the years it does "get different" and you learn to cope. If that is the only thing your coping with, add one more feather and the whole pile tumbles. My pile tumbled and now I feel like I am lost under a mountain of feathers I can't get out from under and I can't breath. Damn shame I put that scuba mask one of my lovely children thought his non swimming mother desperately needed one year for Christmas, I could be using it now to suck in the air The Idiots breath. I have decided to call this my Year of Worry, hell if the Chinese can have the Year of the Horse and the Year of the Pig then why can't I have the Year of  Worry? It's been a long year since my dog was diagnosed with hemophilia, and before and of you "dog lovers" feel the need to write and tell me I should have just had her put down then let me politely tell you now to Fuck Off and save you the trouble. When it first happened I said nothing and tried to cover all expenses myself, completely draining my savings. Finally her Angel stepped in and has taken care of just about all the rest, there are a few things I don't tell her about because I feel bad enough that she has paid for so much already. So here we sit, the first year in years that my kids and grandkids have all been able to come home at the same time for Christmas and I can't buy a single gift. Now I know Christmas isn't about gifts, blah, blah. But I defy you to sit there and tell that to a 9 year old who has waited all year on Christmas gifts that you don't have any for them. Not brave enough? Neither am I, that's why I have let this whole holiday bring me down into such a depression that I am worse than Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie, he cried every episode, I cry every day. So I haven't felt like blogging much, it's hard to figure out a way to get the computer under the blankets while curled up in a little ball and still manage to type. Now for The Idiots.

First I get sick, I have Lupus so getting sick is more or less natural for me but this time it was worse and I ended up in the hospital. Right there on my big red band for meds I am allergic too, in my chart and my verbal communication with the doctor that entered the room is Pt. allergic to Torodal, NSAIDS(which I might mention here is all Torodal really is), Zofran and Penicillin.. So they come to give me something for pain and as he is pushing it into my IV I jokingly said "This better not be Torodal" He smiles sweetly and says "Of course not". Five minutes later as I am vomiting blood and fighting for a breath of air I was pretty sure it was Torodal. I was right. Then we have to have something to counter act the Torodal which left me nauseated. I am assuming Idiot #1 is afraid to come back in so he sends in Idiot #2 with a shot for nausea. I ask as she came in the room "You are aware that I can't take Zofran, aren't you?" She assured me she was and then gave me Zofran in my IV. Now I am not only sick from what I originally went in with I am sicker from them trying to kill me. It took two hours to recover from their medication mistakes so that I could actually be treated for my illness. Then Dr. Idiot has the nerve to come in and ask how I am feeling, obviously never reading my chart to fill him in on the last two hours. He then announces he will "have me good as new in no time". Sadly, I think he expected me to believe him. I looked at my son and told him I had a very strong will to live so we were making a break for it and going to another hospital. Dr. Idiot won't sign my release papers, as if that was going to stop me. So I left AMA and headed for a hospital that chose their staff from medical schools instead of the local zoo.

Second, I stopped working several years ago because of my illness but will go in if they absolutely can't get anyone. I get a call from the first hospital I went to when sick to come in. I think Ok, maybe I can at least keep someone else from being killed or seriously maimed in the name of treatment that night. I was so very nearly wrong. I am first handed off the keys and every dose of medication that leaves that room should be checked off with another nurse to prevent mistakes. I should have know from my own experience that wasn't a major concern there. The first shot of morphine I ask another nurse to sign off on with me caused her to look at me like I was an alien life form that had come to suck out what few brains she had. She did it, but saw no reason for it at all. After giving the injection I went back to try and explain to her the importance of  checking off certain medications, I could tell by the bubble she was blowing with her bubble gum and the vacant stare she wasn't getting it or just didn't care so I gave up. Then they send me in a drunk guy with a very small gash on his forehead that he probably deserved. I quickly look at it and know it's only going to need cleaning and a couple of stitches. While doing this I calmly ask the triage that had brought him back what was still waiting to be seen. She replies "Some old guy, about 62 that was brought in by his co-workers with chest pain and a new baby with a temp of 104 who has had diarrhea for a couple of days" In the moment I truly understood in my soul about workplace rage. I tell her to get them both back immediately while trying to explain why chest pain will always trump a small head gash and how quickly a 6 pound baby can die from dehydration and/or diarrhea. I so want to put signs out on the lawn of that hospital telling people to run for their lives while they still can and go somewhere else. I will never take another on call from them again, I have never used my malpractice insurance and something tells me if I do sooner or later you would have to use it there. But I have changed my mind on one thing. Zoo doctors highly outrank the level of training this crew has.

Third and then I promise not to bore you anymore with Idiots today. I have been wanting to move for a while. A couple weeks ago some friends I have known for quite some time informed me they were doing a complete remodel on a house they bought and ask if I was interested when they got it done. I went to look and it was completely gutted ready for the remodel. Now I realize all my training is in medicine, psychology and metaphysics but I was raised by a high end contractor and went to work with him from the time I was 6 yrs old until I left high school during the summers. I may not be able to build a house but I can damn sure tell you if one is being done right. A complete remodel means just that, you gut it and everything that goes in is new. I couldn't tell much about the house because it was gutted but they walked me through the layout which seemed great, perfect for me. A few days later I go back to take another look after some of the work was being done and find this hallway that had no purpose at all. I ask about it and Idiot Crew Member #1 tells me it is because they need it to put the bedroom door in. Really? I ask him why he didn't just move the bedroom door to the other end and use the wasted hallway space as a closet?  After thinking about this, drawing his line on the sub floor and conferring with Idiot Crew Member #2 he decided it could be done that way. By now I am getting a little nervous. We go into the kitchen where I immediately see a major problem, they had taken out a support wall with the intention of putting in a knee wall to open up the kitchen and living room some. Good idea to open it up, but fools you can't just knock out a major support wall without compensating for it. I explain this to them and they are now totally stumped as to how to fix the problem and I am totally stumped that they can't see what an easy fix it really is. I didn't even bother to explain it to them. Then I see where the cabinets are cut out for the stove to sit. Now unless they intend to put a Coleman Camper Stove in there it isn't going to fit, I mean this one was so far off you didn't even need a tape measure. However I could have parked the trailer end of an 18 wheeler sideways in the opening they left for the refrigerator. Then he tells me they are putting the old cabinets back in instead of putting up new ones, the lovely 5 color chipped cabinets are going back in the house to be painted again? I don't think so. Now I am beyond nervous about this house. I then ask where he was putting the dishwasher, when he informed me it would be in the laundry room at the other end of the house I left. I told my friend yesterday this was not a complete remodel, it was even a renovation it was a demolition in progress and unless that crew is gone and a new one brought in to totally redo it the right way then our deal is off. So that's how it stands as of now and I don't know what they are going to decide to do. I really liked the idea of country living and a screened in back porch overlooking the lake but not at the expensive of the house falling down on me and having to live on that back porch. We shall now see how my friend ranks on The Idiot scale.

Award for A Day In My Wheels

No strings, no passing along, no questions. A few months ago you ask how to improve your blog and many responded. Today I went after a long absence to see that not only did you take everyone's suggestions to heart, but added to it and have made a wonderful blog.

Please everyone check out A Day In My Wheels

What If There Is A 2nd Craig's List Killer?

I have never used Craig's list in my life until this week when I decided it was the best place to list a new cell phone I have. I bought the phone and a week later changed carriers. Upon hearing my plans to list the phone Demon Seed had a come apart, his worry? The Craig's List Killer. When I informed him the guy was already in custody his response was "Mom, you have heard about copy cat killers, right? What if there is a 2nd Craig's List killer?" I informed him as gently as I could that the guy would come in here take one look at me in my flannel pajama bottoms with the giant penises on them, see Frick and Frack standing there armed with baseball bats and a huge wrench, be bombarded with sloppy pug kisses and have his ankle ripped out by a chihuahua and decide not only does he not want the phone but he better get the hell out of here before WE kill HIM. I felt safe, he did buy the phone but for some strange reason ask if we could step outside so he could pay me. Guess he didn't feel as safe as I did. I'm sure it didn't help any when I answered the door looking like Cruella DeVille either:

Cruella DeVille, just sorry the penis pants didn't show in the picture.

I doubt this helped either.....The only domesticated Chupacabra known to man

She just wanted a little love...her way

Now why would he associate red eyes as being demonic? Comment #2: If you feel the need to wear those stupid baseball caps guys at least fix your ears so they don't look deformed!

Based on the above evidence I see no reason whatsoever that anyone should fear coming into my house!

I almost forgot the best part of my week. I broke my glasses, well at least the glasses showed up broken, laying peacefully on the coffee table as if they broke themselves. Based on the above character's I am sure one of them murdered my glasses and are in major cover-up mode. So I call the Opthomologist's  office I bought them at because I have only had them for a year and my paperwork says they have a three year warranty for repair and if they can't be repaired they will be replaced against any accident, breakage, scratching or prescription change from the dr. I get this huge run around that they don't have that special anymore. I informed her I didn't care because they did have it when I got mine and it's on my sales receipt. So they hemmed and hawed and took it to the grand jury and decided they were not going to honor it. Pissed barely even covers my temper tantrum. I do almost feel bad that I told the receptionist that she looks like a toad, but she does so that eases my guilt. So then she informs me that my insurance is clear to do my exam and lens now but the frames won't be covered until February and did I want to go ahead and get my lens now? WTF? Am I suppose to walk around holding the lens up against my eyes with my hands until February? So then I come home and make a few calls and find out I can buy better glasses outright without using my insurance. With my insurance one pair is going to be $381 dollars for two lined bifocals, no coatings.  Without my insurance I can can two pair of progressive lens with three no line bifocals, scratch resistant coating and glare coating for $200 at four different doctors. So why the hell have I even been using the stupid insurance? Oh yeah, because my eye doctor never bothered to tell me that little fact. So I won't use the insurance or that doctor but still have to wait to save up the money to get them. In the meantime this blog will be WYSIWYG because even if I see the flashing red line to tell me I spelled something wrong I still can't see what the correct spelling is in the little drop down box.

Now I find myself with another small problem. My cousin died this past week and it may be because I have spent hours and hours on the phone with family but my accent has suffered for it. I have been finding myself slipping back and saying things my children have no clue what I am talking about, phrases they don't understand, words they don't understand. So I think the only way to correct this is to find a redneck park somewhere and go hang out with them for a while. I realize this will probably involve some type of mud sport, duct tape, bobbing for hog's feet, beer and coon hounds, all a scary thought for me but it may just have to be done. I am getting rather tired of hearing "Mom, what did you just say, what does that mean?" Dammit, a loo is a loo, how hard is that to understand!? Please, I beg you to learn it, I don't want to spend a day with the rednecks, they frighten me! Then there is always the chance it will stick too much and I will come out like Honey Boo Boo's family. If that happens I want all of you to hire a hit man and just take me down. Jay this should be easy for you being on the swat team.

I am so glad this heat is almost over, pretty girl's melt in the heat. Which is exactly why I have been rock solid safe all summer but I do still look forward to cold weather. However, I do have two daughters that I may never see again outside of the blob form as both are very pretty. Can blob girls still walk?

My daughter just called and wants us to go to her house(first time she has had a place big enough to invite us, she usually comes here, dorm rooms aren't very conducive to family reunions) in Nashville for Christmas, I can't tell you how many years it has been since I have spent Christmas at someone else's house, at least 26 yrs. I am so excited but now have to figure out if I can swing it financially. I may have to sell either the Demon Seed or The Devil's Advocate. I love them most days but a stress free Christmas for the first time in forever is very tempting. Her fiance is an attorney so maybe he can keep me out of jail if I get caught selling one of them. She is the one most like me, unfiltered and up for anything, I really need some time with her. Plus we would have one whole day and half the night just the two of us. His family is very well off and own a private box at some ball arena complete with catering services. They fly there and they fly back. They want to take the boys(actually they ask all of us but my daughter and I saw a perfect way to be alone so we begged off) and of course her fiance would be there with them giving me and But She's Pretty child a whole day alone to laugh at each other and see who can pull off the stupidest stunt in public for shock value and the boys a trip they will never get another chance to have. Somehow I have to figure this out!

We planned our Thanksgiving menu the other day. But She's Pretty child and I did the planning. We don't mean to leave her sister out of the planning but we have discovered over the years it is a necessary evil we have to do. Fantasy Barbie's entire cooking revolves around chicken, potato salad and pasta, you move an inch out of that field and she is lost. So we gave her paper plates and cups, tea, rolls, potato salad and green bean casserole (even my dogs couldn't screw that mess up). But She's Pretty child is a good cook so the two of us will handle the rest. We tried giving Fantasy Barbie the turkey one year, unfortunately she thought they were pre-cooked and all she had to do was stick it under the broiler for a bit and brown it. It looked beautiful until we tried to slice it and all the blood ran out and of course we found the giblets, gizzard, liver and heart still snuggled inside the turkey in it's little paper bag because she had no idea they even existed. The next year we gave her the ham, it IS pre-cooked and only needs heating, but to keep from making the same mistake twice she cooked the ham for 6 hours, charring it. So we give her simple things now.

Safety In Angels

Have you ever had that one person in your life that makes you feel safe? I certainly never had it growing up. My mother tried to the best of her ability, but she sees the world in black and white and being strict sometimes would override anything else.  My father tried to the best of his ability but alcohol was his first love. Unfortunately both fell short in their abilities because they always let the outside world in first.  My father was a binge drinker and the reason that I hate alcohol to this day. We never knew when he was just not going to show up from work one Friday and not come back for 2-3 day. My mother felt it her "obligation" to hunt him down, not to bring him home, just to know where he was. I can remember many, many nights being pulled from a warm bed and placed in the back seat of the car with a blanket and a pillow while she drove around three different cities for hours checking out all the bar parking lots looking for his truck. I never knew when it was safe to bring a friend to spend the night because I didn't want them to have to be subjected to her midnight hunts. Between binges my parents never fought, at least with each other, but they were always "on the outs", as they called it, with one family member or another. Sometimes several at a time as taking sides seems to be mandatory in my family. A game I always, and still do, refuse to play. So cousins that you saw daily and became close to would one day disappear from your life and it would be months until you got to see them again. Then the feud would swap and it would be different members of the family fighting and taking sides. To this day my mother is so fond of saying "Well we certainly never kept you away from your aunt/uncle/cousins just because we weren't getting along, you were always welcome to see them." Really Mom? So if I had ask to borrow the car at 8 yrs old you would have said "Of course dear, just be home by dinner."  Somehow I don't think that would have been your response, so how the hell did you think we were all going to see each other, we were only children?

My father owned a company and was a building contractor for high end homes. We always lived in the "show house", people were not allowed to come inside but could see from the outside the type of house the company built, but that show home was always meant to be sold at some point when they built another one, which meant we moved about every 2 yrs, sometimes sooner. When I got old enough to unpack my own room I never even bothered to unpack it all, I was just going to have to pack it up again. One of big dreams has always been to someday buy my own house so I would never have to move again. Then I married a military man which gave me 20 more years of packing, moving, unpacking and losing friends. But I still held on to that dream.

Then we retired from the military and finally bought that house. The day those keys were handed to me in May I felt such a relief, finally I would be able to stay in one place. My husband made excellent money as a civil engineer so there was nothing to worry about money wise either. I could finally breath after all the years of ups and downs and moving from place to place. That lasted a month. In June my husband decided he wanted to be a teenager again and while I was good enough to live through the hard times I wasn't good enough to share the easy times with him. He sold my house and walked out the door. So we got an apartment and yet again moved. When I came to the realization I didn't really miss him, I actually liked it without him I decided to buy a house. That is when I discovered he had totally ruined my credit. I was shocked, I had always paid my bills on time, that is something that has always been important to me. I couldn't even get a credit card in my name. So I spent the next several years cleaning up his mess. Now I have insufficient credit, no credit at all, which is just as bad. I don't understand how they expect you to build it back up if they won't give it to you in the first place? Anyway, I ask my mother to co-sign so I would have a card for emergencies and could buy something on it to pay off and build back my credit. Her response was "How do I know that going on a vacation would not be an emergency for you?" I think her first clue should have been the fact that I had not been on a vacation since 1977, but I guess not. She wouldn't do it. My father would have but he is now deceased. So I never did get that card to build my credit up and the dream of one day owning a home is gone forever.

Then my illness got worse forcing me to stop working and making  me totally dependent on my alimony check. It pays the bills and buys food but there is nothing left over. If I file for disability I lose my alimony which is more than my disability would be.  My sons rarely get to go to a movie with their friends or anywhere else that costs money, clothing and shoes for them is a struggle. We need a new living room suit, my sons need new beds but we have adjusted and learned to do without a lot. Someone ask me the other day where I bought my last pair of shoes from, I have not bought a new pair of shoes for myself since 2001 so I couldn't even remember. If anything extra comes up we are in trouble. Never a feeling of being safe.

My sons sperm donar has nothing to do with them, if they ask him for $30 to do something with their friends, take a girl on a date or buy a new pair of shoes they are always told he doesn't have it and turns them down. Yet the next day will post pictures of himself and his girlfriend on a cruise ship in the Bahama's. This year alone he has been on 2 ski trips, 3 cruises, 1 trip to Key West and a trip to Disney Land. Does he not think how this makes them feel? How much it hurts them? Why can't he ask them to go on a vacation with him knowing I can't give them one? None of this even crosses his mind but it breaks my boys hearts and then mine breaks for them. It is hard and it's depressing to feel so alone and that no one cares. I said that to my mother one time and her answer to me was "Well, what do you expect me to do, you should have picked better when you picked a husband. You shouldn't have got sick and then you wouldn't have to live and do without." Wow, Mom never thought of that, but your right I should never have gotten sick with an incurable disease, it wasn't fair to any of us, but it isn't exactly like I can hand it back to them and say "Uh, excuse me, but I don't want this anymore so I am giving it back."

Then someone came into my life due to a catastrophic illness my pug has. She cares. Just talking on the phone with her makes me feel better and she makes me laugh. She has not only saved my dog's life but has helped me in many other ways, some of which she isn't even aware of. To me she is perfect. She has been blessed with something I have never experienced before. A big heart with no strings attached. A loving, caring nature for everyone and everything. The wisdom to say just the right thing to make me feel better about myself. The ability to never judge. She is an Angel and one that God molded perfectly. I can't help but make the comparison that with this big, cold, distant family I have, that this one woman whom I have yet to meet face to face is the one that shows us what love and caring is really about. She makes me feel safe.

I love you Jac, and thank you for being their for us, for me.

Oh and Lola wants Stan Milhous to know that his eyes make her swoon.