I was going to post my bucket list and then realized a bucket just wouldn't hold all the things I still want to do. So I introduce you to my Septic Tank List. I choose a septic tank over, say, a swimming pool, a lake or some other peaceful sounding name that would hold a large amount because some of the thinks on my list just aren't nice and septic tank fits better.
My Septic Tank List:
1. Take my ex for everything he has, my lawyer says this can be done but has advised I wait a couple years until he gathers more expensive items.
2. With my windfall I will move to England, where the sane people live. I'm sick of ordering fish and chips and getting a bag of potato chips
.
3. I want to spit on someone, preferably Obama or some of my ex in-laws.
4. I look forward to the day that Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate move back with their father, Satan. Fucker hasn't paid me a dime of child support even though the horns are now becoming visible.
5. I will buy out Facebook and turn it into a bitch fest, the money I make should make me a millionaire several times over.
6. I will get rid of Scientology and LDS, there is no way anyone is going to convince me that these are "People of God, Jehovah or anyone else religious. They are cults in the Jim Jones variety.
7. I will buy me a new pink snowflake robe to lay around in and double my dose of Klonopin.
8. I will ban all Good Mommy bloggers for blatantly lying.
9. I will make all the world at peace and make sure everyone has enough to eat. Except the Ethiopians, if they havn't figured out to just move the hell out of their by now there is no way anyone can help them.
10. I will take away all Donna's problems and make her a millionaire too.
11. I will make sure Lily can actually say the word vagina, cunt, etc on her blog and protect her from Spawn's take over.
12. I will make sure that Dexter never calls me for a date again.
13. I will give Mimi her own television show as long as she promises to never interview Oprah or Richard Simmons. Hell, maybe I will just make Oprah disintegrate so I never have to see her big head and fluctuating weight issues ever again.
14. I will take on Dr. Phil in a one on one conversation, I am almost certain to win. I would take on Dr. Drew but how do you argue with someone who is already an idiot? I would take him down in less than 5 minutes so their wouldn't be much fun in screwing around with his head.
15. I will ban Jerry Springer from every television set in the world.
16. I will make Dr. Who familiar to everyone just because Spawn loves him so much. Haven't quite figured out what to do with Ophilia and Princess yet, they frighten me and I am afraid of the repercussions.
17. I will legalize marijuana and make alcohol illegal.
18. I will ban July 4th and New Year celebrations Anyone who has every worked an ER/Ambulance/Police will understand my reasoning for this. A full moon may not be safe from my wrath either for the same reasons.
19. I will fuck with the weather patterns so it is either storming or snowing year round because that's my favorite kind of weather. I will also stop them from naming storms. What the hell difference does it make if a storm has a name or not? It isn't like they are going to collect Social Security and need identification to get it.
20. I will ban all electronic candy and toy machines, replacing them with legal gambling machines. I hate small children so their happiness is not a big issue to me.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Sunday Stealing: The Basically Obscure Meme Pt 1 and Pt 2
Since I missed the first part I am going to go back and do it too.
Pt 1
1: Do you notice a persons eye color?
Not really, I have always said I would be the worst person in the world to have to identify someone in a police line up.
2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
White
3: If you could get a tattoo free, would you do it? what would it be?
I did get both of my tattoos free, one of my close friends is a professional tattoo artist. Both are my own designs.
4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
Small town and hated it.
Hands down my Uncle Bus.
6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
Fourth grade. Diarrhea hit me in class and I couldn't make it to the bathroom, I ask them to call my Mom to come and get me, they ask why, I refused to tell and the lady in the office just kept badgering me and telling me she wasn't going to call my Mom unless I gave her a reason. I finally just yelled out "I shit my pants, is that good enough for you?" I don't know if she was more shocked at my language or my yelling, probably both. Either way she quickly called my Mom.
I loved swinging as a child, excited when I see one now? No, maybe a little nostalgic but not excited.
13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
Another English Bulldog, I have had them in the past and dearly loved them, after my last one died of old age I just haven't been able to get another one but someday I will.
14: What's your favorite place to relax?
Hot Tub
15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?
My sense of humor
16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
Lady Gaga
17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
No and have never watched it at all, I hate sports
18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event live?
See above answer
19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
Steak from Acapulco
21: Would you swear in front of your parents?
Yes
22: Which continents have you been on?
Europe and North America
23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
No
24: Why did you name your blog whatever you named your blog?
Because it says it all. I love to stay in my pajama's and I take Klonopin
25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
I will as soon as I get my ticket to Charlie's Chocolate Factory or an invite to Elton John's home
26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up? Post a picture if you can.
Richie Rich
27: In a past life I must have been a...
Witch, I may have that confused with Bitch
28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
London
29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
From London to Indianapolis
30: The longest you've ever slept?
Do coma's count? If so then about 4 weeks
31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
No and No for kittens, but dogs yes
32: Do you pluck your eyebrows?
No, I have them waxed
33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
None, I hate beans
34: How far can you throw a baseball?
Far enough to hit my ex husband in the head
35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
I would go back to England
36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
I thought the Ethiopian's didn't have food? Yes to all, some good and some bad.
37: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If Chuck had wood, I wouldn't have cobwebs
Pt 1
1: Do you notice a persons eye color?
Not really, I have always said I would be the worst person in the world to have to identify someone in a police line up.
2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?
White
3: If you could get a tattoo free, would you do it? what would it be?
I did get both of my tattoos free, one of my close friends is a professional tattoo artist. Both are my own designs.
4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?
Small town and hated it.
5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)
Hands down my Uncle Bus.
6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?
I don't like any kind of smoothie
7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?
8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?
Starting my period for the first time in class and not realizing it until I stood up and some boy said "Yuk, you have blood all over your seat!"
9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?
It was icy outside and I was hot on the trail of this new boy I really wanted to make an impression on (that may translate to make out with), he is walking with me into the school and we were in the process of making our first date when I slipped and fell face first on the ice, breaking my nose.
10: Have you ever fired anyone?
Yes, many times.
11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?
As a child, not so much in my adult years.
12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?
I loved swinging as a child, excited when I see one now? No, maybe a little nostalgic but not excited.
13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?
Another English Bulldog, I have had them in the past and dearly loved them, after my last one died of old age I just haven't been able to get another one but someday I will.
14: What's your favorite place to relax?
Hot Tub
15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?
My sense of humor
16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?
Lady Gaga
17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?
No and have never watched it at all, I hate sports
18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event live?
See above answer
19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?
Steak from Acapulco
20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?
Margarine. I grew up with butter and always thought I didn't like butter until I discovered margarine.
Pt 2
Yes
22: Which continents have you been on?
Europe and North America
23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?
No
24: Why did you name your blog whatever you named your blog?
Because it says it all. I love to stay in my pajama's and I take Klonopin
25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?
I will as soon as I get my ticket to Charlie's Chocolate Factory or an invite to Elton John's home
26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up? Post a picture if you can.
27: In a past life I must have been a...
Witch, I may have that confused with Bitch
28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?
London
29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?
From London to Indianapolis
30: The longest you've ever slept?
Do coma's count? If so then about 4 weeks
31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?
No and No for kittens, but dogs yes
32: Do you pluck your eyebrows?
No, I have them waxed
33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?
None, I hate beans
34: How far can you throw a baseball?
Far enough to hit my ex husband in the head
35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?
I would go back to England
36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?
I thought the Ethiopian's didn't have food? Yes to all, some good and some bad.
37: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If Chuck had wood, I wouldn't have cobwebs
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Where Do All The Dumbasses Come From?
I seriously need to know how God's mind works when he creates people to inhabit the earth. Does he line them up, go down the line pointing at each one randomly and say: "You will be a serial killer", "You will be an asshole who hates everyone", "You will have normal children", "You will bear the children of my fallen friend Satan", "You will be a genius and join Mensa", "You will be book smart but have no common sense whatsoever", "You will be gay and have an obsession with feathers and glitter", "You will be a nymphomaniac", etc.
During the last three days I have come into contact with some of God's finest as well as His loss of control over the weather. One day it is sleeting, the very next day severe thunderstorms and today sunny and warm.
On sleeting day I needed a new wireless hot spot adapter for my tablet because apparently the one I had was built in a small hut by illeterates in some way off country with no communication abilities with the rest of the world, probably trained by monkeys and broke after 3 months. I go to Verizon to get it replaced under warranty. Where I promptly am greeted with more Verizon employees trained by their staff of monkeys: "Wireless hot spot adapter? I'm sorry but I am not familiar with that, let me get you a chimpanzee they're a little smarter than my particular breed" So the chimpanzee comes in and miraculously knows what I am talking about but has no idea how to replace it using the warranty but he will be happy to sell me another one. I informed him that I wasn't buying another one because this one was still under warranty. The chimpanzee says: "Yes, I know but this one is broken and will not connect. Would you like for me to ring that up for you?" I was still screaming for them to at least get me a cast member from The Planet of the Apes to talk to as Demon Seed was dragging me out of the store by my arm. He stuffs me in the car, tells me to stay and not get back out and come back in there insulting them all again (this child knows me too well) and he will take care of it. He also tells me the main problem was that I didn't know what I was talking about and had them confused and wouldn't shut up long enough for him to explain to them exactly what I was wanting. He also denied seeing any monkey's in the store. I think his father, Satan, has him convinced I am crazy.
Stormy, pouring rain day starts out cozy. It is a cold pouring rain, thunder and lightening and I am snuggled all warm and safe in bed enjoying the fact that I don't have to get out and praying they don't issue a severe weather alarm and put me on activation. Then the phone rings telling me there has been a major car accident and could I go to the scene and find the guys wallet. Since it didn't arrive at the hospital with him they assume it was either thrown out at the scene or still in the vehicle. Exuse me, but isn't that the job of the officers working the scene? All officers have left the scene and are tied up and there is a large amount of money in the wallet. So I drag myself up and go to the scene, no car, it's already been taken away. No wallet in or near the road, which is solid mud (now I have mud up to my ankles and soaking wet) only place left to look is the drainage ditch full of water. No wallet there either, just wet sleeves up to my elbows and wet pants up to my knees but at least the mud has been washed off my boots. Now I have to call the PD to find out which company has the car. I get the info but am a little puzzled by the "better you than me" comment. Upon arriving at the location and finding the car I understand. The car is one of the worse I have ever seen, the only way to get to the inside is to literally climb in on your belly. I spent the next hour and a half crawling through debris, blood, vomit and glass. Oh and did I mention the dog shit from the dog that was in the accident with the driver whose bowels protested at being thrown into the back seat suddenly with the high speed impact? So now I am freezing, soaking wet, covered in blood, vomit, dog shit and have embedded glass in my hands, elbows and knees and a gash in my arm....but...I came out victorious...wallet in hand. Was I happy with my find? Fuck no, I ranted and raved all the way back. No sweet smelling bubble bath for me, I used alcohol in my bath water.
Nice sunny day, today, started out normal. It didn't last long. I stumbled out of bed to pour myself a cup of Dolly Parton's ambition only to realize I didn't prepare the coffee pot last night. Naturally the coffee canister is empty. I head for the pantry to get the can of coffee to fill it back up because I really need that ambition. Right off I knock a can of salmon off the shelf and hit my big toe. I let out a scream so loud that it probably woke up people two streets away. The Devil's Advocate and Demon Seed come running thinking their meal ticket is being murdered and until they go underground for good they still need the one person above ground who is reluctantly willing to provide them nourishment. When I finish hopping around and cussing I notice four boys and two girls standing behind them that should be in school. It seems my house is the hideout for kids skipping school(mine are home schooled). Now I know I should have immediatly started calling parents but dammit my car needs washing and waxing and the inside needs a good cleaning too and this is the perfect day for it so I resorted to blackmail. I have a nice shiny car and their secret is safe with me this time. Maybe I will get lucky and the misfits will skip again before my house needs cleaning again. Hey, you have to take your opportunities where you find them!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Prayers Needed
I have to go to Hellmart and to the pharmacy. As I am dressed normally today and not going in pajama's I feel I could possibly be in danger and be attacked.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Good Mommy Blogger
We all know one of my favorite things is responding to nasty emails about my language and subject matter of my blog. But this one I prefer to embarrass publicly as well as by my return mail. Talking to CrazyMama reminded me of this one so I went back and dug it out of the idiot file to share.
I got an email a couple weeks ago from someone telling me I wasn't a "good mommy blogger" because a good mother wouldn't talk about her children the way I do.
The email:
I am_____________I know you don't know me but I am an avid reader of all the Mommy Blogs and I must say when I came across yours from another blog I was astonished at the way you talk about your children and the names you call them. You are not what I would consider a good mommy blogger. Your funny, I will give you that, but I fear for the psyche of your poor children when they read what you write. Do you really want your children to grow up speaking that horrible language you use? I think not. Please consider this and clean up your act and make the world of Mommy Blogging even more enjoyable than it already is.
Thank you
_____________
Let's address his concerns, my reply to him:
Dear_______
I promise you sir, if you lived with demon children you wouldn't be a good fucking mommy blogger either, it's a matter of survival, I get them before they can drag me to the depths of hell where their father lives. Just consider yourself lucky I don't unleash on why a man is out there reading all the Mommy Blogs and critiquing them. Is there perhaps something you need to talk about? For some reason I picture you looking like Richard Simmons. As much as you love the Mommy Blogs, they bore the shit out of me, I prefer honesty and not a bunch of crap someone puts out there to make themselves look like Super Mom when we all know they are shoveling handfuls of sedatives down their throats just to be able to tolerate the little monsters just like the rest of us. I have never been one to read fiction.
Now let's get this straight so you will no longer feel the need to critique or read my blog again. First, I'm pretty sure it says somewhere on this site that I am NOT a Mommy blogger, hell if I had known then what I know now I would have ripped my womb out with my bare hands before ever getting pregnant. I will take full responsibility for being a slow learner and doing it five times before it occurred to me to do just that. Slow learner, hell, I was downright retarded when it came to that. I suppose that word offends you too? Too fucking bad. Is that better?
The names I call them fit, they can be evil. Haven't you ever seen the movie "Children of the Corn"? They are fully aware of the names I call them and find it amusing so I am pretty secure in the fact that their "psyche" is intact and they are just grateful I don't call them something else. Although, it does bother them sometimes when I get mixed up and call them by one of the dog's names, I am also secure in the fact that they will live through that too.
Well you thought wrong and I'm betting it isn't the first time in your life your thinking was a little off. I really don't give two shits what language they use, all my children are over 18, well except two of them and they are only a month shy of 18 so I consider that close enough, plus I have to factor in the fact that they are demon children and this is their native tongue. The only time I was slightly embarrassed by their language, and keep in mind it was so slight that I laughed like a fool all the way home, was the time I picked one of them up after church in the nursery at the age of 2 yrs and ask if he had a good time in there and he responded loudly "Fuckin' A!"
As for cleaning up "my act", I rather like my act the way it is. I can't stand stuffy, judgmental fake people, much like you come off in your email. I can get confused at times so just in case your referring to the other kind of "clean" let me assure you that I wash my arm pits and my vagina every day when I bathe, use deodorant, put on some perfume and just for good measure I powder my pussy too. I mean you have to be prepared in case some salesman comes by that you want to fuck. I'm sure you do the same.
Now just a tiny word of advise, if you don't like a blog, then don't read it. It's very simple to move on to one you do like. I'm sure there are some apple cheeked babies without horns out there somewhere to make you smile.
Thank you for your concern for my life and my children's.
Pajama Days in a Klonopin Haze
I got an email a couple weeks ago from someone telling me I wasn't a "good mommy blogger" because a good mother wouldn't talk about her children the way I do.
The email:
I am_____________I know you don't know me but I am an avid reader of all the Mommy Blogs and I must say when I came across yours from another blog I was astonished at the way you talk about your children and the names you call them. You are not what I would consider a good mommy blogger. Your funny, I will give you that, but I fear for the psyche of your poor children when they read what you write. Do you really want your children to grow up speaking that horrible language you use? I think not. Please consider this and clean up your act and make the world of Mommy Blogging even more enjoyable than it already is.
Thank you
_____________
Let's address his concerns, my reply to him:
Dear_______
I promise you sir, if you lived with demon children you wouldn't be a good fucking mommy blogger either, it's a matter of survival, I get them before they can drag me to the depths of hell where their father lives. Just consider yourself lucky I don't unleash on why a man is out there reading all the Mommy Blogs and critiquing them. Is there perhaps something you need to talk about? For some reason I picture you looking like Richard Simmons. As much as you love the Mommy Blogs, they bore the shit out of me, I prefer honesty and not a bunch of crap someone puts out there to make themselves look like Super Mom when we all know they are shoveling handfuls of sedatives down their throats just to be able to tolerate the little monsters just like the rest of us. I have never been one to read fiction.
Now let's get this straight so you will no longer feel the need to critique or read my blog again. First, I'm pretty sure it says somewhere on this site that I am NOT a Mommy blogger, hell if I had known then what I know now I would have ripped my womb out with my bare hands before ever getting pregnant. I will take full responsibility for being a slow learner and doing it five times before it occurred to me to do just that. Slow learner, hell, I was downright retarded when it came to that. I suppose that word offends you too? Too fucking bad. Is that better?
The names I call them fit, they can be evil. Haven't you ever seen the movie "Children of the Corn"? They are fully aware of the names I call them and find it amusing so I am pretty secure in the fact that their "psyche" is intact and they are just grateful I don't call them something else. Although, it does bother them sometimes when I get mixed up and call them by one of the dog's names, I am also secure in the fact that they will live through that too.
Well you thought wrong and I'm betting it isn't the first time in your life your thinking was a little off. I really don't give two shits what language they use, all my children are over 18, well except two of them and they are only a month shy of 18 so I consider that close enough, plus I have to factor in the fact that they are demon children and this is their native tongue. The only time I was slightly embarrassed by their language, and keep in mind it was so slight that I laughed like a fool all the way home, was the time I picked one of them up after church in the nursery at the age of 2 yrs and ask if he had a good time in there and he responded loudly "Fuckin' A!"
As for cleaning up "my act", I rather like my act the way it is. I can't stand stuffy, judgmental fake people, much like you come off in your email. I can get confused at times so just in case your referring to the other kind of "clean" let me assure you that I wash my arm pits and my vagina every day when I bathe, use deodorant, put on some perfume and just for good measure I powder my pussy too. I mean you have to be prepared in case some salesman comes by that you want to fuck. I'm sure you do the same.
Now just a tiny word of advise, if you don't like a blog, then don't read it. It's very simple to move on to one you do like. I'm sure there are some apple cheeked babies without horns out there somewhere to make you smile.
Thank you for your concern for my life and my children's.
Pajama Days in a Klonopin Haze
Saturday, January 26, 2013
I Was Almost a Millionare!
So yesterday I get these legal notice in the mail that someone had used one of my copyrighted images along with many other artists images and they were being used in advertisements by different companies. One of a series of birthstone bears I had made a couple years ago and although I sold the bears to someone to use on the computer, with provisions that they could no be resold or used for profit in any way, my standard contract, I always retain my own copyright. Anyway someone had picked up my hidden watermark and turned it it to my licensing company who was also the same ones that licensed the other artists. The licensing company brought a class action law suit on our behalf (I didn't even know this was going on until yesterday) and reached a settlement with the company that stole them yesterday for 15 million dollars. Now keep in mind I already have my share spent by the time I picked up the phone to call the licensing company attorney, who assured me that my check would be in the mail by Monday. The amount calculated to be distributed to us artists was determined after legal fees, the companies fees for bringing the law suit and of course court costs. The remainder would be split between the artists. The whole time he is talking I have visions of all that I am going to do with that money, not frivolous things but things I need and can't buy. I can finally get all moved to Nashville, get my new glasses, get a new car, buy my son a car, go visit my family.....well you get the picture. So I ask him if the amounts had been calculated yet that would be distributed, he said yes and each one of us could expect to receive a check for $25 in the mail in the next ten days. $25 out of a 15 million dollar settlement!!! Almost all of the money went to the attorneys and the company for their "fees". Guess I'm going to have to change my plans a little.
Then today I open my email and have a letter from an attorney that my "likeness" and something I said on a Facebook status (God, I hope they at least stole something I said that was nice!) was being used for advertisement purposes, it had also happened to other people three of whom had seen theirs and hired an attorney for yet another class action suit. It was investigated and that is how they found the rest of us. They are trying to reach a settlement for 20 million dollars with Facebook for allowing the information to be stolen by the way they have things set up. But the kicker is, again by the time all is said and done we would only receive $5 to $10 each after attorney fees, court fees, etc. and if anymore people are found in the meantime and our share drops below that $5 then it will be considered unfeasible to to send out the shares and the money will go to a charity. So out of two settlements for a grand total of 35 million dollars I would come out with a whopping $30-$35. I am thinking the second one is probably a hoax and not even bothering with putting in my claim, it would eat up my reward just by buying a stamp and going to mail the claim. I replied with an email "somehow I find THAT unfeasible, and I would much rather have a cut of the profits that any company makes that is using my image and would they kindly send me the list of companies using it so I can handle the matter myself?" I figure if you put your picture publicly on any social network for millions to see in the first place then you obviously aren't that concerned with that picture being used or stolen, what the hell do I care if someone steals it?
I am always amazed at the people on FB who fall for all the scams out there, and I'm not saying the one above is, it could be legit I don't know, haven't bothered to check and won't. I get so amused when someone posts and then others repost the same thing over and over again on FB. It's so simple to check it out first before cluttering up my page with the nonsense. The amusement comes from wondering just who has the time to come up with these hoaxes, some rather elaborate, and why they do it when they stand to gain nothing at all from it.
Last night we got the munchies about 2am, no pot involved. Of course not a single bag of the five different types of chips in the pantry, the two packages of crackers with cheese, the banana bread I made, the cheesecake brownies I made, the two bags of candy or the ice cream in the freezer would do. I just had to have a Hot Mamma sausage, the boys just had to have cheese dip and of course we all needed a candy bar. I became the poster child for "The People of Walmart", I was not getting dressed to go nor was I going to trust either one of Satan's children to pick out my Hot Mamma, they always get the wrong one. So I went in my pj's, my knit boot house slippers with the little furry pom poms that hang off the back of the furry top and threw a purple coat over all of it and out I went. I thought we could quietly and quickly slip in and get our snacks and no one would even notice us. It might have worked had the Devil's Advocate not announced loudly as we were going in the door that "all these people look creepy". Creepy, seriously? So I replied back to him, my voice rising with each word: "Hello? Have you not looked at us? Do you really not see that we look like we live in the last trailer in Shady Lawns Mobile Home Park, the one they put in the back because it is too horrible to be seen from the main road, with the broken down pick up trucks in the yard, the kiddie swimming pool with the broken side and green water from three years ago still in it, the missing step going up to the weathered "porch", the broken porch light globe and the pit bull tied to the tongue hitch to keep our meth lab from being found?" By now the woman who does nothing but stand and wait for one of the self check out machines to fuck up, several other customers and the door greeter are looking at us. We amble on back to the chip aisle to get our dip and some idiot has placed a display of chips right around the corner which I promptly walk into and knock over because I was trying to untangle one of my fuzzy pom pom's(hey, if you wear the pom's they must be able to freely swing!) and not paying attention to where I was walking. More attention directed our way, it probably didn't help that we are all laughing hysterically at this point. I could just hear the conversation between the door greeter and the self check out lady: "Do you think they are alright?" "Nah, meth heads for sure, someone should turn that lady in for letting those kids get that fucked up" "Maybe, we should call the police?" "Why, they will just be gone before they get here and how are we going to describe them, two of them look just alike?" "Well, the lady can't be that hard to find with that green nail polish she has on" "Well I'm not calling because I'm pretty sure I saw some budding horns on those kids" "Well maybe they are deformed from the meth use" "Nah, they are evil, I can smell it coming off their bodies" "No, that's Axe body spray, all the kids wear it, it's one of our biggest sellers"
Then today I open my email and have a letter from an attorney that my "likeness" and something I said on a Facebook status (God, I hope they at least stole something I said that was nice!) was being used for advertisement purposes, it had also happened to other people three of whom had seen theirs and hired an attorney for yet another class action suit. It was investigated and that is how they found the rest of us. They are trying to reach a settlement for 20 million dollars with Facebook for allowing the information to be stolen by the way they have things set up. But the kicker is, again by the time all is said and done we would only receive $5 to $10 each after attorney fees, court fees, etc. and if anymore people are found in the meantime and our share drops below that $5 then it will be considered unfeasible to to send out the shares and the money will go to a charity. So out of two settlements for a grand total of 35 million dollars I would come out with a whopping $30-$35. I am thinking the second one is probably a hoax and not even bothering with putting in my claim, it would eat up my reward just by buying a stamp and going to mail the claim. I replied with an email "somehow I find THAT unfeasible, and I would much rather have a cut of the profits that any company makes that is using my image and would they kindly send me the list of companies using it so I can handle the matter myself?" I figure if you put your picture publicly on any social network for millions to see in the first place then you obviously aren't that concerned with that picture being used or stolen, what the hell do I care if someone steals it?
I am always amazed at the people on FB who fall for all the scams out there, and I'm not saying the one above is, it could be legit I don't know, haven't bothered to check and won't. I get so amused when someone posts and then others repost the same thing over and over again on FB. It's so simple to check it out first before cluttering up my page with the nonsense. The amusement comes from wondering just who has the time to come up with these hoaxes, some rather elaborate, and why they do it when they stand to gain nothing at all from it.
Last night we got the munchies about 2am, no pot involved. Of course not a single bag of the five different types of chips in the pantry, the two packages of crackers with cheese, the banana bread I made, the cheesecake brownies I made, the two bags of candy or the ice cream in the freezer would do. I just had to have a Hot Mamma sausage, the boys just had to have cheese dip and of course we all needed a candy bar. I became the poster child for "The People of Walmart", I was not getting dressed to go nor was I going to trust either one of Satan's children to pick out my Hot Mamma, they always get the wrong one. So I went in my pj's, my knit boot house slippers with the little furry pom poms that hang off the back of the furry top and threw a purple coat over all of it and out I went. I thought we could quietly and quickly slip in and get our snacks and no one would even notice us. It might have worked had the Devil's Advocate not announced loudly as we were going in the door that "all these people look creepy". Creepy, seriously? So I replied back to him, my voice rising with each word: "Hello? Have you not looked at us? Do you really not see that we look like we live in the last trailer in Shady Lawns Mobile Home Park, the one they put in the back because it is too horrible to be seen from the main road, with the broken down pick up trucks in the yard, the kiddie swimming pool with the broken side and green water from three years ago still in it, the missing step going up to the weathered "porch", the broken porch light globe and the pit bull tied to the tongue hitch to keep our meth lab from being found?" By now the woman who does nothing but stand and wait for one of the self check out machines to fuck up, several other customers and the door greeter are looking at us. We amble on back to the chip aisle to get our dip and some idiot has placed a display of chips right around the corner which I promptly walk into and knock over because I was trying to untangle one of my fuzzy pom pom's(hey, if you wear the pom's they must be able to freely swing!) and not paying attention to where I was walking. More attention directed our way, it probably didn't help that we are all laughing hysterically at this point. I could just hear the conversation between the door greeter and the self check out lady: "Do you think they are alright?" "Nah, meth heads for sure, someone should turn that lady in for letting those kids get that fucked up" "Maybe, we should call the police?" "Why, they will just be gone before they get here and how are we going to describe them, two of them look just alike?" "Well, the lady can't be that hard to find with that green nail polish she has on" "Well I'm not calling because I'm pretty sure I saw some budding horns on those kids" "Well maybe they are deformed from the meth use" "Nah, they are evil, I can smell it coming off their bodies" "No, that's Axe body spray, all the kids wear it, it's one of our biggest sellers"
Friday, January 25, 2013
Aunt Cindy LooTu
One of my biggest fears came true yesterday, a visit from a certain family member from afar. First I want to go on record as saying this woman has no business leaving her little cottage near the edge of the woods let alone traveling anywhere past her mailbox at the end of her lane. She is a full blown Paranoid Schizophrenic with Anti Social Personality Disorder who refuses hospitalization of even treatment. As for committing her the family members that would be responsible for taking care of that have the attitude "Well she hasn't physically harmed anyone yet....." They are right but it's that "yet" part that doesn't give me a lot of comfort, the woman is bat shit crazy. So she is passing through and decides to drop in and visit me. Who the fuck is "just passing through" from England? This is a small account of our lovely visit.
I am sick again with bronchitis and doing everything in my power to keep it from turning into pneumonia again. A lot of bed/couch time and medicine. Hair and makeup have not been high on my priority list, it is questionable if my hair had even been brushed in three days, codiene combined with Klonopin will do that to you. My doorbell rings and there she stood. After I shit myself over the shock I realized that for the first time in my life, or probably anyone else's, she actually looked better than I did. I decided that kicking her down the stairs and running to hide under my bed might be construed by some as being rude so I let her in.
First thing she yells is that my house is on fire and we have to get out. It took me a minute to realize it was the fireplace so I turned it off. That satisfied her and she sat down to catch me up on her life since we last talked on the phone about three months ago. In the last three months:
She has been having a severe problem with some very wiley domesticated dogs that have been getting on the roof of her neighbors houses and walking around at night, but they know just when she calls the police and always manage to be gone by the time police arrive.
She had to make a police report for theft more thian once. The first time someone broke in her house in the middle of the night and stole her pink sponge hair rollers. The second time someone stole four shingles from the roof of her shed (the shingles fell off that shed many years ago and it was a hell of a lot more than four missing). The third time someone broke in and stole her favorite green tablecloth, you know the one with the pretty lace around the edges? The fourth time was a double hit and someone stole all her tupperware lids and rubberbands, but she has a suspect in that theft, she is certain it is her son-in-law.
Someone came into her house and forced her to let them shave her eyebrows.
While she was in the market someone moved her car to a different parking place several rows away and she was so upset with the police for not dusting for fingerprints when she called to report it. At this point I couldn't hold it in any longer and ask if the neighbors dogs could have done it out of revenge for her calling the police on them for walking on the rooftops every night? She agreed it was a possibility.
About this time Demon Seed walks down the hall and announces he is going to go play basketball (I learned a long time ago this is code for "go trolling for girls") and would be back in about 2 to 3 hours. Aunt Cindy LooTu has to hug, kiss and tell him how handsome he is and he is doing his best to politely squirm out of the wrestlers hold she has on him. He manages to break free and damn near runs out the door with me yelling at him "It rubs off on you, now your damned to live a mortal existence!" About 5 minutes later the Devil's Advocate walks in the front door and she looks at me and says "Oh my has it been 3 hours already?" God help me but I told her yes. She ask him if he had enjoyed his basketball game, he of course, had no idea what she was talking about and mumbled something unintelligible and went on to his room. She, of all people, then asks me if he was "ok in the head" because he seemed to have no memory of playing basketball. I don't think she realized the whole time she was here that they were not the same person.
I'm thinking things were going pretty good considering I had Sybil as my guest when she suddenly freaked out claiming the government was taking pictures of her. The culprit turned out to be my automatic air freshener that goes off every 15 minutes. She left in a hurry.
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