Tuesday, April 16, 2013
"Unique Beds"
I need a new bed desperately, but once I figured out that no matter how hard I batted my eyelashes at the salesman or how many blow jobs I promised he wasn't going to give me one for free I gave up and came home to look beds up online.
Why not just sit in a chair? This reminds me of a sideways hospital bed with a headboard nailed to the side.
Why do you want your bed to look like a book? I re-name this the No Sex Bed Book
Do you realize how many bones I would break just trying to turn over and flipping out?
The Magnetic Bed. What happens if the magnet fails. Yep, more broken bones!
I'm not sure if I would be claustrophobic or think about breakfast all night. I don't think I want to sleep in an egg.
At first glance this one looks interesting, but then I realized it was just the TV, how would you stretch out and really get comfortable in this thing?
What if you want to lay on your other side?
Now these two beds are perfect for me!
The Senso Water Massage Bed, I can live with the fact that it strongly resembles a pool table.
And it massages!
Considering I have no more of those nasty little creatures called small children, or as Eric from Trueblood calls them "Pocket Humans" I don't even know how I got into looking at children's beds. But I have learned I had a very deprived childhood by not having one of these and might even sleep in one now just to make up for lost time.
"No dear, don't worry it won't screw up her sense of not mixing polka dots and stripes when she learns to dress herself"
"If we put astro turf under it instead of green carpet it might leave a few rug burns when she falls out but it looks more like grass and is so much cuter this way"
This is called the Eco Friendly bed. Why? Because it has trees and clouds painted on it?
Not exactly sure how you're suppose to get up on that side bench to sit. This one might be made for people like me who don't exactly have a fondness for small children so they buy it for their friends who have that spoiled little brat that throws a fit everywhere they try to take her. "Hey just sit her up there on that bench she can't get down until we get back anyway"
Yes, this is really a bed, I just haven't found it yet. I think I see a pillow peaking out through one window. Talk about letting your child know you are ready for her to leave home right away.
Hope the Great Dane can tell the difference between bed and food!
Told you I was deprived!
More proof my parents didn't like me.
It's So Much Harder To Name Yourself Than It Is To Name Your New Baby
Since I was about 6 yrs old I have hated my given name and have said for years I was going to change it. My parents had to have been drugged, drunk or half asleep when they picked it out, then gave it some foreign spelling no one could even pronounce, so everyone started calling me something close to it, and I hated that name even more. Even my parents started calling me that name. Fortunately when my first nephew was born he could't even begin to pronounce either so he just called me Shea. Now I like Shea, but it isn't a name I would have chosen for myself. Every new place we seemed to go in the military it was $600-$800 to go to court to have it legally done and it would take several months to go through the court system. So when we retired and moved here I just never bothered to ask. A few weeks ago out of boredom(don't judge, you will do a lot of crazy ass shit when your on bed rest as many weeks as I was) I called to ask what it would cost me here, I thought that I heard her wrong when she said $65 for the whole thing and it would take about 5 minutes. Maybe they have a lot of name changes, you know the kids here become teenagers and don't want anyone to know about the family inbreeding so they make it easy for them. Just a guess. I mean my kids have a lot of friends and you think by looking at some of them that they don't stray far from the same gene pool, then Mom and Dad come to pick them up and it's confirmed because Mom and Dad look just alike too. How do they all know what to call each other? Do they say Daddy or Uncle Daddy? Anyway I finally have the chance to do it, a Mother's Day gift from my daughter(my kids have always known how badly I have wanted to do this). So first the kids want to name me, yeah, shot them down real quick with some of the names they were coming up with and the fact that they couldn't agree except on the first name. So I let them pick the first name.
This is when I went to Donna, as she is only one of three people on here that know my real name and one of them doesn't blog, just comes to read. Mistake, big mistake. She's my girl but we are total opposites in the name department. She likes Grandma names and I like something a little newer, not too common and at times even trendy. Now I hate cutesy names like Brittney, Whitney, Brandy, etc. I would throw up just a little every time I heard someone use it and am quite sure I would be left with a gag reflex that was permanently damaged causing me to spit up constantly. But cutesy names wasn't a problem with Donna, she isn't big on them either. She just likes Grandma names. People do you understand she threw the name Alberta on the table?! I wish I could remember some of the others but I think my mind was protecting me and blocked my memory of our conversation that night. But you have to give my girl credit, she knows every Grandma name there is to know! But the hilarious part was listening to her comments on the names my kids and I had chosen. What a night, she had me laughing so hard over names that night.
Now the big decision is to keep my last name or change it too. It doesn't exactly have good memories for me, I don't want to go back to my maiden name but I have never thought about last names before. I no longer have any kids in school so it isn't that important to have the same last name anymore, that's the only reason I have kept it in the first place. I ask all my kids and they all think it is a great idea to pick one out I like and use that. Get rid of the name with bad memories and start fresh. I sat down and literally could only think of two last names and I didn't even like them, it was just names that popped into my head. So I grabbed a phone book and picked out a last name. I was afraid to ask Donna. Is there such a thing as old people last names too?
Oh and just why is Obama so pissed off because someone said his wife looks like a gorilla? Shouldn't he be worrying more about the bombings in Boston yesterday? I am 100% sure it isn't the first time he has heard it and it damn sure won't be the last. I have thought it for years. I know a beautiful silverback at the local zoo that would make a perfect mate for her, I just worry she won't be pretty enough for him and he will reject her.
This is when I went to Donna, as she is only one of three people on here that know my real name and one of them doesn't blog, just comes to read. Mistake, big mistake. She's my girl but we are total opposites in the name department. She likes Grandma names and I like something a little newer, not too common and at times even trendy. Now I hate cutesy names like Brittney, Whitney, Brandy, etc. I would throw up just a little every time I heard someone use it and am quite sure I would be left with a gag reflex that was permanently damaged causing me to spit up constantly. But cutesy names wasn't a problem with Donna, she isn't big on them either. She just likes Grandma names. People do you understand she threw the name Alberta on the table?! I wish I could remember some of the others but I think my mind was protecting me and blocked my memory of our conversation that night. But you have to give my girl credit, she knows every Grandma name there is to know! But the hilarious part was listening to her comments on the names my kids and I had chosen. What a night, she had me laughing so hard over names that night.
Now the big decision is to keep my last name or change it too. It doesn't exactly have good memories for me, I don't want to go back to my maiden name but I have never thought about last names before. I no longer have any kids in school so it isn't that important to have the same last name anymore, that's the only reason I have kept it in the first place. I ask all my kids and they all think it is a great idea to pick one out I like and use that. Get rid of the name with bad memories and start fresh. I sat down and literally could only think of two last names and I didn't even like them, it was just names that popped into my head. So I grabbed a phone book and picked out a last name. I was afraid to ask Donna. Is there such a thing as old people last names too?
Oh and just why is Obama so pissed off because someone said his wife looks like a gorilla? Shouldn't he be worrying more about the bombings in Boston yesterday? I am 100% sure it isn't the first time he has heard it and it damn sure won't be the last. I have thought it for years. I know a beautiful silverback at the local zoo that would make a perfect mate for her, I just worry she won't be pretty enough for him and he will reject her.
MIA But Not By Choice
I have a few blogs drafted that I wrote while everything was going on, I'm going to try, remember that word "try", to get them up in the next day or so.
First set back was a nice, not so pleasant case of the Shingles that really did me in. Bed rest. Since my laptop isn't working and I don't have enough words to describe how much I hate my tablet I only had my cell. Do you realize how hard it is to type on that thing when your highly medicated with pain pills, muscles relaxants, Neurontin and Klonopin? The short, stubby fingers and broken glasses don't help a lot either.
For two years when I was a child I missed every damn holiday that rolled around and my family got together for huge dinners at every holiday. The first year it was a nasty case of flu on Easter, I don't count the 4th of July because even though I am easily distracted by bright shiny objects I do not like the sound so I always begged my Mom to take me to my Aunt(who hated them worse than I did)and let me stay with her. If my parent's didn't take me I kicked up such a fuss and complained so much through the whole "picnic on the hill until the fireworks start" that they eventually, ok, they are't stupid, after the first time they gladly took me to her house. But then comes Thanksgiving and the mumps. Then Christmas comes and I get the measles on Christmas Eve. I weathered them but hated missing the big dinners and of course no one wanted to come to Typhoid Mary's house for dinner.
Second year came Easter rolls around. Guess who has a double ear infection and strep throat? Yep, me, Typhoid Mary. Thanksgiving comes and I spent it in the hospital with pneumonia. Then Christmas, my favorite holiday of all. There isn't anything I don't like about Christmas (except not having money to buy gifts with, but that wasn't such a concern when I was 7), I love the smells, the sounds, the decorations and my favorite of all is the tree. Well except the year we trusted Christmas tree shopping to my Mom who came home with a Charlie Brown tree because she felt sorry for it. I swear the stupid thing didn't have but to branches to put anything on and all the needles had fallen off of it. She was quickly dispatched back for another tree fearing she would be hanged from the highest limb on that Charlie Brown tree. She brought it in while we were at school and Dad was at work and had it beautifully decorated by the time we got home. The only thing she forgot was that my Dad and I both are highly allergic to Cedar trees and that one had to go too. She was never again trusted to get the Christmas trees. Anyway this second Christmas I wake up with the worst case of chicken pox my doctor said he had ever seen. I was an itchy, painful mess and they lasted forever. But once they were gone I trusted them to never come back. I didn't know that someday those damn things would climb out of the dark recesses of my body and attack again. Only this time I think they were pissed at me because I kept picking their scabs off all those years ago so they gave me a nasty case of shingles. I didn't treat them nicely this time either and I cussed them a lot. That was before my Dr told me I could get them again sometime. If I had known that before I would have sang lullabies to them and fluffed their pillows every night. Just so maybe, just maybe they will pass me by again.
Before I even get off bed rest I get a call in the middle of the night that my son, who is a professional diver, that's actually his job, was attacked by a shark 600 miles out in the middle of the ocean and they are making arrangements to fly him back to shore to the trauma hospital. At first I thought it was one of those Ambien dreams everyone talks about but I never seem to have, I really did, seriously who gets attacked by a shark in the middle of the damn night? My child, that's who. His excuse is "Mom it's just as dark under the water in the daytime as it is at night so it really doesn't make a difference" As you can imagine the next several days were taken up with him, his injuries, his surgeries, lot of praying and thankfulness that he didn't lose a limb. All can be repaired, minus some bone the shark took with him and they are rebuilding that. He looks a lot like Robo Cop right now with all the pins, screws, strings attached to everything so they can test movement through the brace without taking the brace off. Immediately after surgery he had full functionality but in the last two days he has lost some feeling on one area, the dr thinks it's just swelling pushing against a nerve and it will come back as soon as the swelling goes down. He is looking at a year of recovery. But since he was on the job when it happened the company he works for is giving him his full pay until he can dive again, told him they thought a shark attack was definitely qualifications for a promotion and pay raise, paid all hospital bills and bought all his medicine. They send someone by everyday to see if he needs anything. They have been really good to him through this ordeal. He does think it's hilarious that his personal ringtone on my phone is now the theme song from the movie "Jaws". I just thank God he has 15 years experience at this, knows marine life in and out and knew how to save himself. I always thought just punch them in the nose and they went away, well turns out that only works on some sharks, it just pisses the Mako shark off more. Then he goes into this long explanation how to ward off the each individual shark (some I have never heard of) during an attack. I told him I would remember that the next time I get in the bathtub or a hot tub since that is the deepest and only body of water I ever get in. A shark gets me on the beach it better have some legs hidden somewhere cause I just skim the shoreline and let the water wash over my feet.
First set back was a nice, not so pleasant case of the Shingles that really did me in. Bed rest. Since my laptop isn't working and I don't have enough words to describe how much I hate my tablet I only had my cell. Do you realize how hard it is to type on that thing when your highly medicated with pain pills, muscles relaxants, Neurontin and Klonopin? The short, stubby fingers and broken glasses don't help a lot either.
For two years when I was a child I missed every damn holiday that rolled around and my family got together for huge dinners at every holiday. The first year it was a nasty case of flu on Easter, I don't count the 4th of July because even though I am easily distracted by bright shiny objects I do not like the sound so I always begged my Mom to take me to my Aunt(who hated them worse than I did)and let me stay with her. If my parent's didn't take me I kicked up such a fuss and complained so much through the whole "picnic on the hill until the fireworks start" that they eventually, ok, they are't stupid, after the first time they gladly took me to her house. But then comes Thanksgiving and the mumps. Then Christmas comes and I get the measles on Christmas Eve. I weathered them but hated missing the big dinners and of course no one wanted to come to Typhoid Mary's house for dinner.
Second year came Easter rolls around. Guess who has a double ear infection and strep throat? Yep, me, Typhoid Mary. Thanksgiving comes and I spent it in the hospital with pneumonia. Then Christmas, my favorite holiday of all. There isn't anything I don't like about Christmas (except not having money to buy gifts with, but that wasn't such a concern when I was 7), I love the smells, the sounds, the decorations and my favorite of all is the tree. Well except the year we trusted Christmas tree shopping to my Mom who came home with a Charlie Brown tree because she felt sorry for it. I swear the stupid thing didn't have but to branches to put anything on and all the needles had fallen off of it. She was quickly dispatched back for another tree fearing she would be hanged from the highest limb on that Charlie Brown tree. She brought it in while we were at school and Dad was at work and had it beautifully decorated by the time we got home. The only thing she forgot was that my Dad and I both are highly allergic to Cedar trees and that one had to go too. She was never again trusted to get the Christmas trees. Anyway this second Christmas I wake up with the worst case of chicken pox my doctor said he had ever seen. I was an itchy, painful mess and they lasted forever. But once they were gone I trusted them to never come back. I didn't know that someday those damn things would climb out of the dark recesses of my body and attack again. Only this time I think they were pissed at me because I kept picking their scabs off all those years ago so they gave me a nasty case of shingles. I didn't treat them nicely this time either and I cussed them a lot. That was before my Dr told me I could get them again sometime. If I had known that before I would have sang lullabies to them and fluffed their pillows every night. Just so maybe, just maybe they will pass me by again.
Before I even get off bed rest I get a call in the middle of the night that my son, who is a professional diver, that's actually his job, was attacked by a shark 600 miles out in the middle of the ocean and they are making arrangements to fly him back to shore to the trauma hospital. At first I thought it was one of those Ambien dreams everyone talks about but I never seem to have, I really did, seriously who gets attacked by a shark in the middle of the damn night? My child, that's who. His excuse is "Mom it's just as dark under the water in the daytime as it is at night so it really doesn't make a difference" As you can imagine the next several days were taken up with him, his injuries, his surgeries, lot of praying and thankfulness that he didn't lose a limb. All can be repaired, minus some bone the shark took with him and they are rebuilding that. He looks a lot like Robo Cop right now with all the pins, screws, strings attached to everything so they can test movement through the brace without taking the brace off. Immediately after surgery he had full functionality but in the last two days he has lost some feeling on one area, the dr thinks it's just swelling pushing against a nerve and it will come back as soon as the swelling goes down. He is looking at a year of recovery. But since he was on the job when it happened the company he works for is giving him his full pay until he can dive again, told him they thought a shark attack was definitely qualifications for a promotion and pay raise, paid all hospital bills and bought all his medicine. They send someone by everyday to see if he needs anything. They have been really good to him through this ordeal. He does think it's hilarious that his personal ringtone on my phone is now the theme song from the movie "Jaws". I just thank God he has 15 years experience at this, knows marine life in and out and knew how to save himself. I always thought just punch them in the nose and they went away, well turns out that only works on some sharks, it just pisses the Mako shark off more. Then he goes into this long explanation how to ward off the each individual shark (some I have never heard of) during an attack. I told him I would remember that the next time I get in the bathtub or a hot tub since that is the deepest and only body of water I ever get in. A shark gets me on the beach it better have some legs hidden somewhere cause I just skim the shoreline and let the water wash over my feet.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thank You Donna!
Thank you so much for the award!! Donna's blog is at Can't Keep It In No More, go pay her a visit and I promise you will get a good read and a good laugh. Love her writing style.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Life Should Go Backwards
I realized that Demon Seed and the Devil's advocate have now turned 18. OK, who am I kidding, I have been dreaming and waiting 18 yrs for this! I can now reclaim major parts of my life that you give up when having children. You must remember there are three older ones so it's been a really long time.
I can pee alone again, I was worried about this one. Afraid that after so many years of being monitored my kidney's would not be able to function on their own. I tried it out today and thank God they still work, I was so dreading having to borrow a neighbors child every time I needed to pee.
I can also bathe alone without one of them busting in with something serious that has to be told to me right that minute. Your afraid to scream "get out!" in case one of them has cut the other one's throat or they need immediate medical care. Sorry, you're 18 drive your damn self to the hospital, can't you see I am taking a bubble bath? The bubble bath was a little rocky, it's been so long that I could stay in there long enough to enjoy it that I just didn't bother so when I sent to buy bubble bath I mistakenly bought body wash, which lays like clots of blood and just floats around.
I walked right out of my house today and didn't announce where I was going, when I was coming home and never even uttered the words "call me if you need me".
They went to their friends last night and I didn't look at the clock one time to make sure they were not out past the time I told them to be home. Locked the doors, went to bed and right to sleep with my Ambien and Klonopin on board. They have keys, it's time they learn to use them and not lose them. Lose them now and I am no longer obligated to let you into the safety of my warm house.
I can eat a whole sandwich and freely without a conscious say no when one asks "Can I have a bite?", sorry, you should have stopped and bought one for yourself on the way home, this one is all mine and I am licking every last drop of sauce.
Since all their friends are also over 18 now I no longer feel guilt when calling one of them a fucking idiot. They are old enough to handle it. If not, go home. My house is no longer a playground or meeting place.
I read a book in the quiet and was startled to realize they have not sucked out all my brain matter as I have suspected for the last few years. I could actually follow the story line. Something is still left in there. Maybe I can build on it and be normal again.
I am no longer legally obligated to any of them, I don't have to provide housing, provide medical care or even feed them. Now it is a courtesy on my part and if a better offer comes along well I might just take it and they can go to McDonald's on their own dime.
But I also realized life should go backwards, we should have children when we are old and we get younger as they age. Then I could do all things I didn't get to do with the blood suckers around, now I am too old and most of the time to tired to do all those things. It would be much easier to find a young, handsome billionaire if I was 25 yrs old again. Now my best chances for wealth are to find a sick old billionaire that is ready to die but still healthy enough to sign the will, but hell even they want someone who looks like Anna Nicole Smith or they have a bunch of kids hanging around ready to contest the will.
My ass at 25 yrs would look so much better on the back of that Harley when we take long trips out of town, as it is now I feel really sorry for the bikers in line behind us that have to look at it. I also feel a little sorry for my friend I am with as he has to look at the old ass hanging off the bike in front of us.
I could pretend to drown in the pool and be saved by one of the handsome lifeguards, I'm afraid if I try it now they will either get into a fight over which one has to come and get me or simply say "don't worry about it, the old girl doesn't have much life left in her anyway, we will just act like we didn't see her."
Instead of sitting around plotting ways to get back at them when I get too old to live alone and have to move in with one of them, I could be planning a trip to the Riviera with Johnny Depp. I would be strong enough at 25 yrs old to chase him down, rope him, tie him up and force him on the plane. I would be afraid to try it now, with my eyesight I might make a big mistake and get Jack Nicholson, never realizing I was only able to catch him in the first place because he is older than dirt and couldn't outrun me.
I could stomp my foot and scream "You can't tell me what to do, I'm leaving!" and have a ton of friends houses to crash at until I decide to sober up and come home. Where would I go now? Down to the corner nursing home and beg them to let me spend the night for the mere price of $1,000? I couldn't afford that after having to buy my own drinks at the bar because I am no longer 25 yrs old when a few bats of the eyelashes gets you a free drink.
Somehow I am not sure I came out the winner after all.
I can pee alone again, I was worried about this one. Afraid that after so many years of being monitored my kidney's would not be able to function on their own. I tried it out today and thank God they still work, I was so dreading having to borrow a neighbors child every time I needed to pee.
I can also bathe alone without one of them busting in with something serious that has to be told to me right that minute. Your afraid to scream "get out!" in case one of them has cut the other one's throat or they need immediate medical care. Sorry, you're 18 drive your damn self to the hospital, can't you see I am taking a bubble bath? The bubble bath was a little rocky, it's been so long that I could stay in there long enough to enjoy it that I just didn't bother so when I sent to buy bubble bath I mistakenly bought body wash, which lays like clots of blood and just floats around.
I walked right out of my house today and didn't announce where I was going, when I was coming home and never even uttered the words "call me if you need me".
They went to their friends last night and I didn't look at the clock one time to make sure they were not out past the time I told them to be home. Locked the doors, went to bed and right to sleep with my Ambien and Klonopin on board. They have keys, it's time they learn to use them and not lose them. Lose them now and I am no longer obligated to let you into the safety of my warm house.
I can eat a whole sandwich and freely without a conscious say no when one asks "Can I have a bite?", sorry, you should have stopped and bought one for yourself on the way home, this one is all mine and I am licking every last drop of sauce.
Since all their friends are also over 18 now I no longer feel guilt when calling one of them a fucking idiot. They are old enough to handle it. If not, go home. My house is no longer a playground or meeting place.
I read a book in the quiet and was startled to realize they have not sucked out all my brain matter as I have suspected for the last few years. I could actually follow the story line. Something is still left in there. Maybe I can build on it and be normal again.
I am no longer legally obligated to any of them, I don't have to provide housing, provide medical care or even feed them. Now it is a courtesy on my part and if a better offer comes along well I might just take it and they can go to McDonald's on their own dime.
But I also realized life should go backwards, we should have children when we are old and we get younger as they age. Then I could do all things I didn't get to do with the blood suckers around, now I am too old and most of the time to tired to do all those things. It would be much easier to find a young, handsome billionaire if I was 25 yrs old again. Now my best chances for wealth are to find a sick old billionaire that is ready to die but still healthy enough to sign the will, but hell even they want someone who looks like Anna Nicole Smith or they have a bunch of kids hanging around ready to contest the will.
My ass at 25 yrs would look so much better on the back of that Harley when we take long trips out of town, as it is now I feel really sorry for the bikers in line behind us that have to look at it. I also feel a little sorry for my friend I am with as he has to look at the old ass hanging off the bike in front of us.
I could pretend to drown in the pool and be saved by one of the handsome lifeguards, I'm afraid if I try it now they will either get into a fight over which one has to come and get me or simply say "don't worry about it, the old girl doesn't have much life left in her anyway, we will just act like we didn't see her."
Instead of sitting around plotting ways to get back at them when I get too old to live alone and have to move in with one of them, I could be planning a trip to the Riviera with Johnny Depp. I would be strong enough at 25 yrs old to chase him down, rope him, tie him up and force him on the plane. I would be afraid to try it now, with my eyesight I might make a big mistake and get Jack Nicholson, never realizing I was only able to catch him in the first place because he is older than dirt and couldn't outrun me.
I could stomp my foot and scream "You can't tell me what to do, I'm leaving!" and have a ton of friends houses to crash at until I decide to sober up and come home. Where would I go now? Down to the corner nursing home and beg them to let me spend the night for the mere price of $1,000? I couldn't afford that after having to buy my own drinks at the bar because I am no longer 25 yrs old when a few bats of the eyelashes gets you a free drink.
Somehow I am not sure I came out the winner after all.
You Don't Really Live In A Barbie World! Get Over It!
I haven't been around much, just popping in here and there. Not because I haven't wanted to but because I have been busy dealing with something that took a lot of time and my anger level was off the chart, you would not have enjoyed a post I made during the past two weeks of my rage.
First let me explain, one of my daughters, Fantasy Barbie, has been going through a custody battle for the last three years. It isn't her, it's her ex husband that started it and continues it. The problem is there is nothing bad on either parent, they have different parenting styles, neither one bad, just different. The only difference is my ex son-in-law likes to have control of any and all people, conversations and situations, one reason him and I have never gotten along, I am not a controllable person. But he has been a good Dad, just as Fantasy Barbie has been a good Mom, a trait she most surely didn't get from me. If you can't fix yourself your own sandwich by the age of 3 you don't need lunch was my parenting philosophy, she only expects her's to do it by the time they are 40. If you can't get your clothes to the damn laundry hamper by the age of 10 then you better be learning how to use the washer and dryer or wear it dirty, do I look like Inspector Clouseau? She on the other hand will hunt that last stray sock down for days to make sure it is washed and in the drawer for her 16 yr old. If one of mine at the age of 16 had walked out of his room, down the hallway, past a bathroom with a glass in it, down the stairs into the den and ask me to get him a drink of water he would be met with gales of laughter and still have a dry mouth, she gets up and takes those 12 extra steps to the kitchen to get him a drink of water. Mine all could do laundry, cook a full meal, go grocery shopping, read a map so they don't get lost even though I have to use GPS and still can manage to get lost, balance a check book before they left home. I am not convinced hers can even bathe alone, I know for sure they can't get themselves a drink of water so I am not holding out high hopes for them since they are already 13 and 16. Oh did I forget to mention they are also perfect children? Well they are, according to her they never lie, never say a cuss word, never go anywhere she tells them not to go when she is looking. If she blogged, she would be one of the "Mommy Bloggers". This week the Crown Prince's crown not only cracked but fell off his damn head, crashed onto the shiny courtroom tile and busted in a million pieces. Queen Fantasy Barbie has still not recovered from the shock. Especially since it was Demon Seed that took him down. When she was still living at home and they were born she thought they were wonderful, took them everywhere with her, bragged about them, always taking pictures and showing them. Then she got married and got pregnant. She dropped them like a hot potato and would actually shove them out of the way, never even saying a quick "hello" to them when she made one of her rare visits to the house and they would run to greet her. They were only 3 and confused by it. They couldn't understand why someone they worshiped and who had loved them so much all at once wanted nothing to do with them. Being the smart kids they are, they learned to ignore her back. After her child was born, it didn't matter what he did she always blamed one of them for it. For years they just took the fall for whatever it was and kept their mouth shut. Soon she went from blaming them to actually telling people what bad kids they were, they aren't, they have never given me a single bit of trouble outside of normal kid stuff. When word got back to them it use to hurt it doesn't anymore, now they just don't give a shit about what she says or does. But they have always had a good relationship with the Crown Prince. Until two weeks ago.
I get a call from her attorney, whom I have personally known for 25 yrs and he has known Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate since they were born. He would know if they had gotten into trouble because I would have called him to represent them. He tells me he is pissed and can I come to his office. Now, when he tells you he is pissed you want to be around to see the show because he throws some of the best hissy fits in and out of court I have ever seen. I go to his office thinking he is into it with his wife or just had a bad case and wants to blow off steam since it was after his closing hours. No, it seems the Crown Prince, in order to make himself look big and important or maybe just cool to his friends has written a bunch of text messages, his father found them and called for an emergency hearing. Big deal, he does this about once every two weeks, the judge denies his order and it's over until he thinks of something else to call an emergency hearing on. Keep in mind here that the judge has already ruled on the custody case, months ago. These are all appeal attempts to get a new trial because he didn't get the judgement he wanted, he couldn't control the judge either. We only have one family court judge here so it always goes back in front of the same judge and where we live you can't get a change of venue on custody cases. So this poor judge is going to have to hear this fool until he either retires or the kids turn 18. This time a line was crossed.
I read the text messages and the Crown Prince is accusing Demon Seed of buying and smoking pot with him. He tells dates and times that they have smoked pot together and the little idiot even gave our address in one of the texts. He also tells that his mother "just busted up in my room offering me alcohol to drink". He is using racial slurs, talking about pornography, giving out pornography website addresses, etc. You know all the types of text messages any perfect Crown Prince would send. So his Dad saw them and filed an emergency hearing for full custody because they children were in danger from Fantasy Barbie giving them alcohol and Demon Seed pumping him full of pot. Fantasy Barbie's attorney, we will call him Harry, because he is bald and would love to have some hair, is pissed alright but not at Demon Seed. He is pissed because he knows the history and because Fantasy Barbie came into the office blaming it all on Demon Seed. She still owed him $2,000 from the last hearing, this time he made her pay that plus another $2,000 up front for this new hearing and then informed her she had just paid for the defense of the only victim in the whole mess, which was Demon Seed. Upon which I am sure she toddled a little in those Barbie heels and called Ken to cry about how unfair it was. I am now furious too. I could easily prove that Demon Seed wasn't in the state on several of those dates given, I could prove he was in the hospital on two of the dates given and in quarantine from his surgery on the rest of the dates given. She knew this and was still trying to throw Demon Seed in front of the bus to save the Crown Prince. So we are armed when we get to the hearing.
Fantasy Barbie is still under the impression that the world sees her son wearing same rose colored glasses she sees him through. She has always not wanted the kids on the stand and Harry has honored that, until this time and he tells her he is putting the Crown Prince on the stand and if she doesn't like it she has about 10 minutes to fire him and hire another attorney before the hearing starts. She is backed into a corner and as hard as she kicked those little Barbie heels she was ignored. Harry informs her that today the only person he is there to protect is Demon Seed so she need to put her big girl panties on and take some responsibility for what her son did and what she was trying to do. She shuts up but the mascara is still running down her face and we all know how much mascara Barbie wears. Then he has the judge order on the spot drug tests for the Crown Prince, Fantasy Barbie, Ken and Demon Seed. Harry informs her she is paying for the three of them and he himself is paying for Demon Seed's. Another uprising, quickly squashed by Harry. The tests are done and then the results are slapped down, and I do mean that he really did slap them down in front of the judge and Fantasy Barbie. The only one that didn't pass was the Crown Prince. Now she is convinced that Harry tampered with the results and wants it done again in front of the judge. Everyone agreed so the judge accompanies them to have the test on the Crown Prince and Demon Seed done again. Of course it was the same result, Demon Seed clean, no drugs in his system and the Crown Prince dirty, THC in his system in high levels. I'm sure if we could have seen it the white picket fence around their house just fell over. Harry refuses to let the judge, the other side or anyone even talk to Demon Seed because he really isn't a part of this custody case only the victim of malicious lies so he can't be called unless he wants to be. He doesn't, thank God, because all he has done for the last two weeks is threaten to kill or maim the Crown Prince the next time he sees him and I wasn't so sure how that would look in court. So Harry gets the Crown Prince on the stand, has him repeat all the dates and times this supposedly happened and then knocks each one of them down with proof that couldn't be disputed that Demon Seed was no where near him during those times. The crown started to slip a little. Then he lays into him about being a lying malicious child trying to put off on someone else the things he was doing to make himself look big to friends and innocent to his parents. The crown cracked. By the time he got done with him the crown is in pieces on the floor, even the jewels were smashed.
Then the big surprise hit all of us, Harry included. The judge issued an Order of Protection for Demon Seed against the Crownless Prince. He can't be around him, talk to him, try to communicate with him by phone, text, computer, any gaming system, etc, he can not use his name in any writings or conversation with friends or family until he turns 18 yrs old, reverses the emergency hearing reinstating the custody order right back to what it has been from the beginning and it was over. Or so we thought.
The other side then stands and declares they are filing for a whole new trial this time and want to know how to proceed with calling Dylan as a hostile witness with the Order of Protection in place. The judge cleared that up for him real quick by issuing another Order of Protection for Demon Seed against the Crownless Prince's Dad's entire family and legal team. Bang! "You can't call him, he isn't a part of this custody hearing but obviously your going to try to scapegoat him again and this court is going to protect this kid because he is the only victim in this whole matter and his testimony will only be allowed if Demon Seed comes to me personally and tells me he wants to and I am fairly confident he isn't going to do that." He then turns to Demon Seed and wishes him a Happy 18th Birthday and apologizes that a bunch of "rabid idiots" tried to ruin it for him. By now Fantasy Barbie is ripping her clothes in mourning and she isn't even Jewish.
So we are leaving and in the courthouse parking lot Harry comes up and hands Demon Seed a $100 bill and tells him Happy Birthday and that he knows he wants to beat the hell out of the Crownless Prince but to at least wait until the Crownless Prince is 18 to do it and he promises to defend him and get him off all for free as long as he throws a few licks in for him. Fantasy Barbie, stormed off jumped into the Barbie Corvette, slammed the door and we haven't heard from her since. Amazing to me that she still can't see why Demon Seed, Harry or I should be so upset with the Crownless Prince, that she doesn't understand why Demon Seed just didn't take the fall for the Crownless Prince like he always has, that this time she crossed a line, that she was willing to throw her own brother in front of the bus even knowing it was all lies, that she can't see the reason for the Order of Protection for Demon Seed, or the reason I told her to "shut up" when she tried to "shhhhh" me when I asked Harry a question about Demon Seed and Harry told her she was just damn lucky I consented to even sit in the same room with her at this point, etc. I guess the best answer would be her theme song.
I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation
First let me explain, one of my daughters, Fantasy Barbie, has been going through a custody battle for the last three years. It isn't her, it's her ex husband that started it and continues it. The problem is there is nothing bad on either parent, they have different parenting styles, neither one bad, just different. The only difference is my ex son-in-law likes to have control of any and all people, conversations and situations, one reason him and I have never gotten along, I am not a controllable person. But he has been a good Dad, just as Fantasy Barbie has been a good Mom, a trait she most surely didn't get from me. If you can't fix yourself your own sandwich by the age of 3 you don't need lunch was my parenting philosophy, she only expects her's to do it by the time they are 40. If you can't get your clothes to the damn laundry hamper by the age of 10 then you better be learning how to use the washer and dryer or wear it dirty, do I look like Inspector Clouseau? She on the other hand will hunt that last stray sock down for days to make sure it is washed and in the drawer for her 16 yr old. If one of mine at the age of 16 had walked out of his room, down the hallway, past a bathroom with a glass in it, down the stairs into the den and ask me to get him a drink of water he would be met with gales of laughter and still have a dry mouth, she gets up and takes those 12 extra steps to the kitchen to get him a drink of water. Mine all could do laundry, cook a full meal, go grocery shopping, read a map so they don't get lost even though I have to use GPS and still can manage to get lost, balance a check book before they left home. I am not convinced hers can even bathe alone, I know for sure they can't get themselves a drink of water so I am not holding out high hopes for them since they are already 13 and 16. Oh did I forget to mention they are also perfect children? Well they are, according to her they never lie, never say a cuss word, never go anywhere she tells them not to go when she is looking. If she blogged, she would be one of the "Mommy Bloggers". This week the Crown Prince's crown not only cracked but fell off his damn head, crashed onto the shiny courtroom tile and busted in a million pieces. Queen Fantasy Barbie has still not recovered from the shock. Especially since it was Demon Seed that took him down. When she was still living at home and they were born she thought they were wonderful, took them everywhere with her, bragged about them, always taking pictures and showing them. Then she got married and got pregnant. She dropped them like a hot potato and would actually shove them out of the way, never even saying a quick "hello" to them when she made one of her rare visits to the house and they would run to greet her. They were only 3 and confused by it. They couldn't understand why someone they worshiped and who had loved them so much all at once wanted nothing to do with them. Being the smart kids they are, they learned to ignore her back. After her child was born, it didn't matter what he did she always blamed one of them for it. For years they just took the fall for whatever it was and kept their mouth shut. Soon she went from blaming them to actually telling people what bad kids they were, they aren't, they have never given me a single bit of trouble outside of normal kid stuff. When word got back to them it use to hurt it doesn't anymore, now they just don't give a shit about what she says or does. But they have always had a good relationship with the Crown Prince. Until two weeks ago.
I get a call from her attorney, whom I have personally known for 25 yrs and he has known Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate since they were born. He would know if they had gotten into trouble because I would have called him to represent them. He tells me he is pissed and can I come to his office. Now, when he tells you he is pissed you want to be around to see the show because he throws some of the best hissy fits in and out of court I have ever seen. I go to his office thinking he is into it with his wife or just had a bad case and wants to blow off steam since it was after his closing hours. No, it seems the Crown Prince, in order to make himself look big and important or maybe just cool to his friends has written a bunch of text messages, his father found them and called for an emergency hearing. Big deal, he does this about once every two weeks, the judge denies his order and it's over until he thinks of something else to call an emergency hearing on. Keep in mind here that the judge has already ruled on the custody case, months ago. These are all appeal attempts to get a new trial because he didn't get the judgement he wanted, he couldn't control the judge either. We only have one family court judge here so it always goes back in front of the same judge and where we live you can't get a change of venue on custody cases. So this poor judge is going to have to hear this fool until he either retires or the kids turn 18. This time a line was crossed.
I read the text messages and the Crown Prince is accusing Demon Seed of buying and smoking pot with him. He tells dates and times that they have smoked pot together and the little idiot even gave our address in one of the texts. He also tells that his mother "just busted up in my room offering me alcohol to drink". He is using racial slurs, talking about pornography, giving out pornography website addresses, etc. You know all the types of text messages any perfect Crown Prince would send. So his Dad saw them and filed an emergency hearing for full custody because they children were in danger from Fantasy Barbie giving them alcohol and Demon Seed pumping him full of pot. Fantasy Barbie's attorney, we will call him Harry, because he is bald and would love to have some hair, is pissed alright but not at Demon Seed. He is pissed because he knows the history and because Fantasy Barbie came into the office blaming it all on Demon Seed. She still owed him $2,000 from the last hearing, this time he made her pay that plus another $2,000 up front for this new hearing and then informed her she had just paid for the defense of the only victim in the whole mess, which was Demon Seed. Upon which I am sure she toddled a little in those Barbie heels and called Ken to cry about how unfair it was. I am now furious too. I could easily prove that Demon Seed wasn't in the state on several of those dates given, I could prove he was in the hospital on two of the dates given and in quarantine from his surgery on the rest of the dates given. She knew this and was still trying to throw Demon Seed in front of the bus to save the Crown Prince. So we are armed when we get to the hearing.
Fantasy Barbie is still under the impression that the world sees her son wearing same rose colored glasses she sees him through. She has always not wanted the kids on the stand and Harry has honored that, until this time and he tells her he is putting the Crown Prince on the stand and if she doesn't like it she has about 10 minutes to fire him and hire another attorney before the hearing starts. She is backed into a corner and as hard as she kicked those little Barbie heels she was ignored. Harry informs her that today the only person he is there to protect is Demon Seed so she need to put her big girl panties on and take some responsibility for what her son did and what she was trying to do. She shuts up but the mascara is still running down her face and we all know how much mascara Barbie wears. Then he has the judge order on the spot drug tests for the Crown Prince, Fantasy Barbie, Ken and Demon Seed. Harry informs her she is paying for the three of them and he himself is paying for Demon Seed's. Another uprising, quickly squashed by Harry. The tests are done and then the results are slapped down, and I do mean that he really did slap them down in front of the judge and Fantasy Barbie. The only one that didn't pass was the Crown Prince. Now she is convinced that Harry tampered with the results and wants it done again in front of the judge. Everyone agreed so the judge accompanies them to have the test on the Crown Prince and Demon Seed done again. Of course it was the same result, Demon Seed clean, no drugs in his system and the Crown Prince dirty, THC in his system in high levels. I'm sure if we could have seen it the white picket fence around their house just fell over. Harry refuses to let the judge, the other side or anyone even talk to Demon Seed because he really isn't a part of this custody case only the victim of malicious lies so he can't be called unless he wants to be. He doesn't, thank God, because all he has done for the last two weeks is threaten to kill or maim the Crown Prince the next time he sees him and I wasn't so sure how that would look in court. So Harry gets the Crown Prince on the stand, has him repeat all the dates and times this supposedly happened and then knocks each one of them down with proof that couldn't be disputed that Demon Seed was no where near him during those times. The crown started to slip a little. Then he lays into him about being a lying malicious child trying to put off on someone else the things he was doing to make himself look big to friends and innocent to his parents. The crown cracked. By the time he got done with him the crown is in pieces on the floor, even the jewels were smashed.
Then the big surprise hit all of us, Harry included. The judge issued an Order of Protection for Demon Seed against the Crownless Prince. He can't be around him, talk to him, try to communicate with him by phone, text, computer, any gaming system, etc, he can not use his name in any writings or conversation with friends or family until he turns 18 yrs old, reverses the emergency hearing reinstating the custody order right back to what it has been from the beginning and it was over. Or so we thought.
The other side then stands and declares they are filing for a whole new trial this time and want to know how to proceed with calling Dylan as a hostile witness with the Order of Protection in place. The judge cleared that up for him real quick by issuing another Order of Protection for Demon Seed against the Crownless Prince's Dad's entire family and legal team. Bang! "You can't call him, he isn't a part of this custody hearing but obviously your going to try to scapegoat him again and this court is going to protect this kid because he is the only victim in this whole matter and his testimony will only be allowed if Demon Seed comes to me personally and tells me he wants to and I am fairly confident he isn't going to do that." He then turns to Demon Seed and wishes him a Happy 18th Birthday and apologizes that a bunch of "rabid idiots" tried to ruin it for him. By now Fantasy Barbie is ripping her clothes in mourning and she isn't even Jewish.
So we are leaving and in the courthouse parking lot Harry comes up and hands Demon Seed a $100 bill and tells him Happy Birthday and that he knows he wants to beat the hell out of the Crownless Prince but to at least wait until the Crownless Prince is 18 to do it and he promises to defend him and get him off all for free as long as he throws a few licks in for him. Fantasy Barbie, stormed off jumped into the Barbie Corvette, slammed the door and we haven't heard from her since. Amazing to me that she still can't see why Demon Seed, Harry or I should be so upset with the Crownless Prince, that she doesn't understand why Demon Seed just didn't take the fall for the Crownless Prince like he always has, that this time she crossed a line, that she was willing to throw her own brother in front of the bus even knowing it was all lies, that she can't see the reason for the Order of Protection for Demon Seed, or the reason I told her to "shut up" when she tried to "shhhhh" me when I asked Harry a question about Demon Seed and Harry told her she was just damn lucky I consented to even sit in the same room with her at this point, etc. I guess the best answer would be her theme song.
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation
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