Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Life Should Go Backwards

I realized that Demon Seed and the Devil's advocate have now turned 18. OK, who am I kidding, I have been dreaming and waiting 18 yrs for this! I can now reclaim major parts of my life that you give up when having children. You must remember there are three older ones so it's been a really long time.

I can pee alone again, I was worried about this one. Afraid that after so many years of being monitored my kidney's would not be able to function on their own. I tried it out today and thank God they still work, I was so dreading having to borrow a neighbors child every time I needed to pee.

I can also bathe alone without one of them busting in with something serious that has to be told to me right that minute. Your afraid to scream "get out!" in case one of them has cut the other one's throat or they need immediate medical care. Sorry, you're 18 drive your damn self to the hospital, can't you see I am taking a bubble bath? The bubble bath was a little rocky, it's been so long that I could stay in there long enough to enjoy it that I just didn't bother so when I sent to buy bubble bath I mistakenly bought body wash, which lays like clots of blood and just floats around.

I walked right out of my house today and didn't announce where I was going, when I was coming home and never even uttered the words "call me if you need me".

They went to their friends last night and I didn't look at the clock one time to make sure they were not out past the time I told them to be home. Locked the doors, went to bed and right to sleep with my Ambien and Klonopin on board. They have keys, it's time they learn to use them and not lose them. Lose them now and I am no longer obligated to let you into the safety of my warm house.

I can eat a whole sandwich and freely without a conscious say no when one asks "Can I have a bite?", sorry, you should have stopped and bought one for yourself on the way home, this one is all mine and I am licking every last drop of sauce.

Since all their friends are also over 18 now I no longer feel guilt when calling one of them a fucking idiot. They are old enough to handle it. If not, go home. My house is no longer a playground or meeting place.

I read a book in the quiet and was startled to realize they have not sucked out all my brain matter as I have suspected for the last few years. I could actually follow the story line. Something is still left in there. Maybe I can build on it and be normal again.

I am no longer legally obligated to any of them, I don't have to provide  housing, provide medical care or even feed them. Now it is a courtesy on my part and if a better offer comes along well I might just take it and they can go to McDonald's on their own dime.

But I also realized life should go backwards, we should have children when we are old and we get younger as they age. Then I could do all things I didn't get to do with the blood suckers around, now I am too old and most of the time to tired to do all those things. It would be much easier to find a young, handsome billionaire if I was 25 yrs old again. Now my best chances for wealth are to find a sick old billionaire that is ready to die but still healthy enough to sign the will, but hell even they want someone who looks like Anna Nicole Smith or they have a bunch of kids hanging around ready to contest the will.

My ass at 25 yrs would look so much better on the back of that Harley when we take long trips out of town, as it is now I feel really sorry for the bikers in line behind us that have to look at it. I also feel a little sorry for my friend I am with as he has to look at the old ass hanging off the bike in front of us.

I could pretend to drown in the pool and be saved by one of the handsome lifeguards, I'm afraid if I try it now they will either get into a fight over which one has to come and get me or simply say "don't worry about it, the old girl doesn't have much life left in her anyway, we will just act like we didn't see her."

Instead of sitting around plotting ways to get back at them when I get too old to live alone and have to move in with one of them, I could be planning a trip to the Riviera with Johnny Depp. I would be strong enough at 25 yrs old to chase him down, rope him, tie him up and force him on the plane. I would be afraid to try it now, with my eyesight I might make a big mistake and get Jack Nicholson, never realizing I was only able to catch him in the first place because he is older than dirt and couldn't outrun me.

I could stomp my foot and scream "You can't tell me what to do, I'm leaving!" and have a ton of friends houses to crash at until I decide to sober up and come home. Where would I go now? Down to the corner nursing home and beg them to let me spend the night for the mere price of $1,000? I couldn't afford that after having to buy my own drinks at the bar because I am no longer 25 yrs old when a few bats of the eyelashes gets you a free drink.

Somehow I am not sure I came out the winner after all.


  1. Wow, you just realized life should go backwards. For once I'm in front of you!

  2. See my sister had the right idea. Have em as young as you can, thus leaving you time and energy to go out there and party like it's 1999 (instead of 1899)...but then my sister's a skank.

  3. PJ WHERE ARE YOU? THE UNIVERSE IS CALLING!!!! IT'S TIME TO ANSWER and lily i don't appreciate you calling me a skank, mimi's a skank, i'm a slut

  4. Please don't take my sunshine away bitch

  5. Seventeen totaled my car PJ. And I left you an award.