Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Week of But She's Pretty Child's Visit

I can't remember if I ever told you all about "Dexter" or not, Klonopin has a way of doing that for you, blocking out the unpleasant. So a quick refresher.

I went out on a date with this guy and I honestly can't remember his real name anymore because I started calling him Dexter in my mind about half way through the date when he ask me if I had ever had sex with an animal and then invited me to tour the water treatment plant with him. I am just wanting to go home at that point. I made it home alive, thinking I had been rude enough that Dexter would never darken my doorstep again. I was wrong. Over the next few days he called several times, always asking me out on "interesting" dates, a walk through the botanical gardens after dark, the gun range to practice shoot, a tour of the fish hatchery, etc. Naturally I turned him down. Freak is being nice in describing this guy. So I finally got rid of him and haven't heard from him for months. Yesterday he shows up with an early Christmas gift, just what every woman wants, a pocket knife. Now I will shoot a gun with you all day and I'm going to hit my target dead on but I am terrified of opening a pocket knife. Can you shank someone with a closed pocket knife? I always imagine doing it the wrong way and cutting off a finger and it would kind of take the fear away from the guy that breaks in your house if you have to ask him to open the knife for you. My friend jokingly suggested that Dexter now wants me to join him in his serial killer escapades, we long ago decided he has serial killer somewhere in his blood. Come on, what would you think if someone ask you to take a tour of the water treatment plant at midnight? So I have decided if he wants me to join him in his activities he is going to have to do a better job of promoting his career. He is going to have to show up with the handgun of my choice and there are rules attached. We start with my list first, not his. But then again do I really want to kill them or just come back to haunt them? I think haunting would be more fun.

But She's Pretty Child came in from Nashville for a week before Thanksgiving and we had all kinds of neatly laid out plans. None of which happened because we have neanderthals in our family who do not respect other's plans. She had worked 40 hrs in 3 days to get those extra days off, then work a 10 hr day and immediately drove 4 hrs to get here after work that day, she was exhausted. She wasn't even in town yet when Fantasy Barbie decided it was time for drama to start. Now, But She's Pretty Child didn't get here until 2:00am on Monday night. Fantasy Barbie calls about midnight and wants to have Thanksgiving early, like the next day, for her convenience. I refused, told her there was no time to prepare that fast and But She's Pretty Child needed to at least have one day of rest, she didn't like my answer and went into full Fantasy Barbie drama mode. We ignored her.

Our first day we had planned on just laying around in our pj's(she is truly my twin) being lazy and watching movies all day. At 9:00am the doorbell starts ringing and didn't stop until 11:00pm that night. I will give you that the girl is funny as hell, has the ability to do absolutely stupid things without even realizing it and she is beautiful. So Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate decide to bring every friend they have ever met since kindergarten to meet her. As much as I told them she was not an animal on display at the zoo I was ignored. Although I did get her to do a some monkey calls and beat her chest in front of a few of them. I guess you can make very loud, screeching monkey calls while beating your chest as long as your beautiful, they didn't seem to mind a bit. Next we tried "trucker language" that didn't stop them either. Some just stared at her, she told one if he didn't stop staring she was going to charge him for it. The fool was dead serious when he ask her how much. Hell if I had known they were willing to pay I would have put her in the corner, threw a few Christmas decorations on her and charged them myself!

Second day we had plans to get our hair cut and colored by our favorite stylist, Baybay. He not only is the best around but amusing and rude as hell. Just like us, only he is gay and we aren't. I always dreamed of having a gay son that went to beauty school but it just wasn't in my cards to have one. We thought it would only take 3 or 4 hours. But we get in there and decide to have the works and both our hair colors are tri-levels so that takes a while, then being the only clients that day the entertainment level and bad language was flowing easily. We ended up staying 7 hrs just goofing off with Baybay. This of course set Fantasy Barbie off on another tangent. To appease her we drove up to visit her before leaving town to come back home. We stayed quite some time, everyone seemed happy and we left to come back to my house.  Before we get here we get an urgent text message from her husband to have But She's Pretty Child call him ASAP. Guess Fantasy Barbie wasn't done yet, after we left she tells her husband that But She's Pretty Child told her he was a dick, mean to the kids and controlling and that Fantasy Barbie should divorce him. Truth is But She's Pretty Child likes the husband more than her own sister and would never have said anything against him. He knew this but wanted to warn her that she was still on a rampage.

Third day is Thanksgiving. We get a text from Fantasy Barbie that she isn't coming. Since she was responsible for some of the food items that this family would literally fall in the floor and cry over if they were not served on a holiday we had to run to the grocery on Thanksgiving morning and buy all the stuff she wasn't coming to bring. Rush back home and cook it all on top of our own food we had to cook and be ready to serve dinner by 2:00pm. We made it with not a minute to spare. At around 2:05pm who walks through the door to have dinner? Yep, Fantasy Barbie. She finally figured out a way to eat and not have to do her share of the cooking. A "Come to Jesus" meeting after dinner between me, But She's Pretty Child and her did have her cleaning up the entire mess though. The whole time she is here she is friendly and talking to everyone. Then she leaves and on the way home told her husband that she had heard me and But She's Pretty Child talking about her when we went outside on the porch for a cigarette and that we had said a bunch of stuff that he had supposedly told us in private about her, that we were making fun of her (that might have been true, but hell we made fun of everyone here, even each other.  But what fun is it if you don't do it to her face? None of that was true, we didn't talk about anyone while out there, we were discussing my moving to Nashville as soon as possible. Which is probably what pissed her off and caused that round of drama. She lives close enough to visit me every day if she wanted but only comes to my house on Thanksgiving and Christmas and only then if I am cooking or have gifts to give her, she might call once every four or five months, if your not sick. If your sick she is afraid she might be ask to do something for you, yet she throws a fit every time I mention moving to Nashville.

On the fourth day I was a very bad girl, but enjoyed every fucking second of it and would do it all over again. My ex whom the kids have not seen or heard from in two or three years, no one can remember exactly when it was or what the occasion might have been. He decides to blow into town on fumes of alcohol, at least that is what Demon Seed swears that he must have converted his truck over to by now, Jack Daniels Whiskey. The kids refuse to go to his house so he decided to come to my house where they do come because I am apparently less offensive than he is and I am sober. Klonopin doesn't count. So he wants the ones that didn't escape in time to go out to dinner with him. Tells Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate he has a surprise for them, tells But She's Pretty Child to make no plans on Saturday (her last full day here) because he has somewhere to take her, she quickly figured out it was a major ballgame that the boys would have loved to attend but he didn't get tickets for them too. Leaving no chewing out to chance she immediately calls her Grandma and tells what he is doing, so he then has to spend an hour getting his ass ripped from his mother. Right away But She's Pretty Child  is pissed and crying, then fighting with him because she stands up for Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate, I actually think it hurts her more than it does them that he slights them in everything. So he breezes in here and gives each of them a $100 and she immediately hands hers to me and says loudly, very loudly "Hold on to this for me Mamma, because as soon as we get back from this God forsaken dinner I am taking the boys to town and spending my ill gained reward on them, so everyone needs to eat real fast before I really snap" Then it happened.  My opportunity to "save them". They go to get in his truck and someone he has locked his keys in it. The type of truck he has is almost impossible to break into let alone unlock a locked door. He tries for about 25 minutes in the 32 degree temps we had that night. We just watch him. Then he calls the cell phone service because he just knows he has Roadside Assistance, he was wrong (he didn't know I took that shit off of his months ago just waiting on a moment like this to happen) but after an hour they were willing to give him one courtesy lock out service for $79, hell did they not understand that would have cut down on his beer money at the ballgame the next day? We just watch him. He then calls his insurance company and after 40 minutes on hold is informed he opted out of Roadside Assistance when he got his insurance policy. We just watch him. Then he paces the parking lot, circles the truck many times running his hands through his hair in frustration for another 30 minutes. We just watch him but we are by now giggling into our mittens, we have a secret. He has been outside for 3 1/2 hours in those 32 degree temps by now. But She's Pretty Child announces it is now too late to go anywhere and eat and I "suddenly" remember that my car insurance covers me in any car, so if I locked my keys in his car they would be here in less than five minutes and get them out for free. I call them, told them they were my keys, they came, unlocked his door and got "my" keys out for me. The whole process took less than 10 minutes. We plead the fifth as to knowing just who locked how those keys got locked in there in the first place and to knowing in advance that my insurance would cover the lock out quickly and free of charge.

On the fifth day he gives the boys some lame excuse about he would have bought them tickets too but he couldn't watch the game and watch them at the same time. Excuse me? They are 6'3" tall and two months away from being 18yrs old,  and considering they are both sober not likely they need a drunk to watch out for them. Who watches them anymore anyway? I sure as hell don't. They did however get a good laugh out of the excuse. Unfortunately it only made But She's Pretty Child even madder, it didn't help any that within two minutes of the game starting one of his friends who had already had to much to drink vomited all down her left side, twice, even into her shoes, a large amount. She could buy a new shirt from a stand and some nice stranger gave her his hoodie but she was stuck with the coat, the jeans and the shoes.  She spent the rest of the game sitting with total strangers because she refused to acknowledge she was with him. I'm just glad I am not the one that had to ride back in the same truck with her. She doesn't hold back. They all swear they will never again suffer his presence.  I say they can all be bought but it will take considerably more than $100 each and a pizza next time. He better be willing to reach deep in those pockets.

On the sixth day we finally had fun the kids blew their money from him on turtle headphones, But She's Pretty Child bought them both a new coat with her money and we went out to eat on what everyone had left over. Then it was movie and snack night in our pj's. No drama, possibly because all of us turned off our cell phones and didn't turn them back on until the next morning.

On the seventh day, we only had half a day before it was time for But She's Pretty Child to head back to Nashville but we enjoyed it, made funny pictures of each other, you know acted like any other kindergarten children would act.

I can't wait to move to Nashville, it will be so nice to be around someone who is as crazy and devious as I am on a full time basis. Better yet she is engaged to a lawyer.....if the need ever arises that we would need his services.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

How Do You Climb Out of A Funk When There Are Idiots All Around To Push You Back In?

I'm trying to climb out of this funk I'm in, I really am...well me and Klonopin and a few others the Dr has prescribed. We were doing pretty well, chemically that is, until The Idiots showed up. Have you ever looked around at just how many of  The Idiots surround us? They simply are everywhere or else I have a magnet in my but that pulls them my way and refuses to let them go.

This year isn't easy for me, on my birthday is the anniversary of my son's death. It's hard, never gets better but through the years it does "get different" and you learn to cope. If that is the only thing your coping with, add one more feather and the whole pile tumbles. My pile tumbled and now I feel like I am lost under a mountain of feathers I can't get out from under and I can't breath. Damn shame I put that scuba mask one of my lovely children thought his non swimming mother desperately needed one year for Christmas, I could be using it now to suck in the air The Idiots breath. I have decided to call this my Year of Worry, hell if the Chinese can have the Year of the Horse and the Year of the Pig then why can't I have the Year of  Worry? It's been a long year since my dog was diagnosed with hemophilia, and before and of you "dog lovers" feel the need to write and tell me I should have just had her put down then let me politely tell you now to Fuck Off and save you the trouble. When it first happened I said nothing and tried to cover all expenses myself, completely draining my savings. Finally her Angel stepped in and has taken care of just about all the rest, there are a few things I don't tell her about because I feel bad enough that she has paid for so much already. So here we sit, the first year in years that my kids and grandkids have all been able to come home at the same time for Christmas and I can't buy a single gift. Now I know Christmas isn't about gifts, blah, blah. But I defy you to sit there and tell that to a 9 year old who has waited all year on Christmas gifts that you don't have any for them. Not brave enough? Neither am I, that's why I have let this whole holiday bring me down into such a depression that I am worse than Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie, he cried every episode, I cry every day. So I haven't felt like blogging much, it's hard to figure out a way to get the computer under the blankets while curled up in a little ball and still manage to type. Now for The Idiots.

First I get sick, I have Lupus so getting sick is more or less natural for me but this time it was worse and I ended up in the hospital. Right there on my big red band for meds I am allergic too, in my chart and my verbal communication with the doctor that entered the room is Pt. allergic to Torodal, NSAIDS(which I might mention here is all Torodal really is), Zofran and Penicillin.. So they come to give me something for pain and as he is pushing it into my IV I jokingly said "This better not be Torodal" He smiles sweetly and says "Of course not". Five minutes later as I am vomiting blood and fighting for a breath of air I was pretty sure it was Torodal. I was right. Then we have to have something to counter act the Torodal which left me nauseated. I am assuming Idiot #1 is afraid to come back in so he sends in Idiot #2 with a shot for nausea. I ask as she came in the room "You are aware that I can't take Zofran, aren't you?" She assured me she was and then gave me Zofran in my IV. Now I am not only sick from what I originally went in with I am sicker from them trying to kill me. It took two hours to recover from their medication mistakes so that I could actually be treated for my illness. Then Dr. Idiot has the nerve to come in and ask how I am feeling, obviously never reading my chart to fill him in on the last two hours. He then announces he will "have me good as new in no time". Sadly, I think he expected me to believe him. I looked at my son and told him I had a very strong will to live so we were making a break for it and going to another hospital. Dr. Idiot won't sign my release papers, as if that was going to stop me. So I left AMA and headed for a hospital that chose their staff from medical schools instead of the local zoo.

Second, I stopped working several years ago because of my illness but will go in if they absolutely can't get anyone. I get a call from the first hospital I went to when sick to come in. I think Ok, maybe I can at least keep someone else from being killed or seriously maimed in the name of treatment that night. I was so very nearly wrong. I am first handed off the keys and every dose of medication that leaves that room should be checked off with another nurse to prevent mistakes. I should have know from my own experience that wasn't a major concern there. The first shot of morphine I ask another nurse to sign off on with me caused her to look at me like I was an alien life form that had come to suck out what few brains she had. She did it, but saw no reason for it at all. After giving the injection I went back to try and explain to her the importance of  checking off certain medications, I could tell by the bubble she was blowing with her bubble gum and the vacant stare she wasn't getting it or just didn't care so I gave up. Then they send me in a drunk guy with a very small gash on his forehead that he probably deserved. I quickly look at it and know it's only going to need cleaning and a couple of stitches. While doing this I calmly ask the triage that had brought him back what was still waiting to be seen. She replies "Some old guy, about 62 that was brought in by his co-workers with chest pain and a new baby with a temp of 104 who has had diarrhea for a couple of days" In the moment I truly understood in my soul about workplace rage. I tell her to get them both back immediately while trying to explain why chest pain will always trump a small head gash and how quickly a 6 pound baby can die from dehydration and/or diarrhea. I so want to put signs out on the lawn of that hospital telling people to run for their lives while they still can and go somewhere else. I will never take another on call from them again, I have never used my malpractice insurance and something tells me if I do sooner or later you would have to use it there. But I have changed my mind on one thing. Zoo doctors highly outrank the level of training this crew has.

Third and then I promise not to bore you anymore with Idiots today. I have been wanting to move for a while. A couple weeks ago some friends I have known for quite some time informed me they were doing a complete remodel on a house they bought and ask if I was interested when they got it done. I went to look and it was completely gutted ready for the remodel. Now I realize all my training is in medicine, psychology and metaphysics but I was raised by a high end contractor and went to work with him from the time I was 6 yrs old until I left high school during the summers. I may not be able to build a house but I can damn sure tell you if one is being done right. A complete remodel means just that, you gut it and everything that goes in is new. I couldn't tell much about the house because it was gutted but they walked me through the layout which seemed great, perfect for me. A few days later I go back to take another look after some of the work was being done and find this hallway that had no purpose at all. I ask about it and Idiot Crew Member #1 tells me it is because they need it to put the bedroom door in. Really? I ask him why he didn't just move the bedroom door to the other end and use the wasted hallway space as a closet?  After thinking about this, drawing his line on the sub floor and conferring with Idiot Crew Member #2 he decided it could be done that way. By now I am getting a little nervous. We go into the kitchen where I immediately see a major problem, they had taken out a support wall with the intention of putting in a knee wall to open up the kitchen and living room some. Good idea to open it up, but fools you can't just knock out a major support wall without compensating for it. I explain this to them and they are now totally stumped as to how to fix the problem and I am totally stumped that they can't see what an easy fix it really is. I didn't even bother to explain it to them. Then I see where the cabinets are cut out for the stove to sit. Now unless they intend to put a Coleman Camper Stove in there it isn't going to fit, I mean this one was so far off you didn't even need a tape measure. However I could have parked the trailer end of an 18 wheeler sideways in the opening they left for the refrigerator. Then he tells me they are putting the old cabinets back in instead of putting up new ones, the lovely 5 color chipped cabinets are going back in the house to be painted again? I don't think so. Now I am beyond nervous about this house. I then ask where he was putting the dishwasher, when he informed me it would be in the laundry room at the other end of the house I left. I told my friend yesterday this was not a complete remodel, it was even a renovation it was a demolition in progress and unless that crew is gone and a new one brought in to totally redo it the right way then our deal is off. So that's how it stands as of now and I don't know what they are going to decide to do. I really liked the idea of country living and a screened in back porch overlooking the lake but not at the expensive of the house falling down on me and having to live on that back porch. We shall now see how my friend ranks on The Idiot scale.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Award for A Day In My Wheels

No strings, no passing along, no questions. A few months ago you ask how to improve your blog and many responded. Today I went after a long absence to see that not only did you take everyone's suggestions to heart, but added to it and have made a wonderful blog.

Please everyone check out A Day In My Wheels

What If There Is A 2nd Craig's List Killer?

I have never used Craig's list in my life until this week when I decided it was the best place to list a new cell phone I have. I bought the phone and a week later changed carriers. Upon hearing my plans to list the phone Demon Seed had a come apart, his worry? The Craig's List Killer. When I informed him the guy was already in custody his response was "Mom, you have heard about copy cat killers, right? What if there is a 2nd Craig's List killer?" I informed him as gently as I could that the guy would come in here take one look at me in my flannel pajama bottoms with the giant penises on them, see Frick and Frack standing there armed with baseball bats and a huge wrench, be bombarded with sloppy pug kisses and have his ankle ripped out by a chihuahua and decide not only does he not want the phone but he better get the hell out of here before WE kill HIM. I felt safe, he did buy the phone but for some strange reason ask if we could step outside so he could pay me. Guess he didn't feel as safe as I did. I'm sure it didn't help any when I answered the door looking like Cruella DeVille either:

Cruella DeVille, just sorry the penis pants didn't show in the picture.

I doubt this helped either.....The only domesticated Chupacabra known to man

She just wanted a little love...her way

Now why would he associate red eyes as being demonic? Comment #2: If you feel the need to wear those stupid baseball caps guys at least fix your ears so they don't look deformed!

Based on the above evidence I see no reason whatsoever that anyone should fear coming into my house!

I almost forgot the best part of my week. I broke my glasses, well at least the glasses showed up broken, laying peacefully on the coffee table as if they broke themselves. Based on the above character's I am sure one of them murdered my glasses and are in major cover-up mode. So I call the Opthomologist's  office I bought them at because I have only had them for a year and my paperwork says they have a three year warranty for repair and if they can't be repaired they will be replaced against any accident, breakage, scratching or prescription change from the dr. I get this huge run around that they don't have that special anymore. I informed her I didn't care because they did have it when I got mine and it's on my sales receipt. So they hemmed and hawed and took it to the grand jury and decided they were not going to honor it. Pissed barely even covers my temper tantrum. I do almost feel bad that I told the receptionist that she looks like a toad, but she does so that eases my guilt. So then she informs me that my insurance is clear to do my exam and lens now but the frames won't be covered until February and did I want to go ahead and get my lens now? WTF? Am I suppose to walk around holding the lens up against my eyes with my hands until February? So then I come home and make a few calls and find out I can buy better glasses outright without using my insurance. With my insurance one pair is going to be $381 dollars for two lined bifocals, no coatings.  Without my insurance I can can two pair of progressive lens with three no line bifocals, scratch resistant coating and glare coating for $200 at four different doctors. So why the hell have I even been using the stupid insurance? Oh yeah, because my eye doctor never bothered to tell me that little fact. So I won't use the insurance or that doctor but still have to wait to save up the money to get them. In the meantime this blog will be WYSIWYG because even if I see the flashing red line to tell me I spelled something wrong I still can't see what the correct spelling is in the little drop down box.

Now I find myself with another small problem. My cousin died this past week and it may be because I have spent hours and hours on the phone with family but my accent has suffered for it. I have been finding myself slipping back and saying things my children have no clue what I am talking about, phrases they don't understand, words they don't understand. So I think the only way to correct this is to find a redneck park somewhere and go hang out with them for a while. I realize this will probably involve some type of mud sport, duct tape, bobbing for hog's feet, beer and coon hounds, all a scary thought for me but it may just have to be done. I am getting rather tired of hearing "Mom, what did you just say, what does that mean?" Dammit, a loo is a loo, how hard is that to understand!? Please, I beg you to learn it, I don't want to spend a day with the rednecks, they frighten me! Then there is always the chance it will stick too much and I will come out like Honey Boo Boo's family. If that happens I want all of you to hire a hit man and just take me down. Jay this should be easy for you being on the swat team.

I am so glad this heat is almost over, pretty girl's melt in the heat. Which is exactly why I have been rock solid safe all summer but I do still look forward to cold weather. However, I do have two daughters that I may never see again outside of the blob form as both are very pretty. Can blob girls still walk?

My daughter just called and wants us to go to her house(first time she has had a place big enough to invite us, she usually comes here, dorm rooms aren't very conducive to family reunions) in Nashville for Christmas, I can't tell you how many years it has been since I have spent Christmas at someone else's house, at least 26 yrs. I am so excited but now have to figure out if I can swing it financially. I may have to sell either the Demon Seed or The Devil's Advocate. I love them most days but a stress free Christmas for the first time in forever is very tempting. Her fiance is an attorney so maybe he can keep me out of jail if I get caught selling one of them. She is the one most like me, unfiltered and up for anything, I really need some time with her. Plus we would have one whole day and half the night just the two of us. His family is very well off and own a private box at some ball arena complete with catering services. They fly there and they fly back. They want to take the boys(actually they ask all of us but my daughter and I saw a perfect way to be alone so we begged off) and of course her fiance would be there with them giving me and But She's Pretty child a whole day alone to laugh at each other and see who can pull off the stupidest stunt in public for shock value and the boys a trip they will never get another chance to have. Somehow I have to figure this out!

We planned our Thanksgiving menu the other day. But She's Pretty child and I did the planning. We don't mean to leave her sister out of the planning but we have discovered over the years it is a necessary evil we have to do. Fantasy Barbie's entire cooking revolves around chicken, potato salad and pasta, you move an inch out of that field and she is lost. So we gave her paper plates and cups, tea, rolls, potato salad and green bean casserole (even my dogs couldn't screw that mess up). But She's Pretty child is a good cook so the two of us will handle the rest. We tried giving Fantasy Barbie the turkey one year, unfortunately she thought they were pre-cooked and all she had to do was stick it under the broiler for a bit and brown it. It looked beautiful until we tried to slice it and all the blood ran out and of course we found the giblets, gizzard, liver and heart still snuggled inside the turkey in it's little paper bag because she had no idea they even existed. The next year we gave her the ham, it IS pre-cooked and only needs heating, but to keep from making the same mistake twice she cooked the ham for 6 hours, charring it. So we give her simple things now.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Safety In Angels

Have you ever had that one person in your life that makes you feel safe? I certainly never had it growing up. My mother tried to the best of her ability, but she sees the world in black and white and being strict sometimes would override anything else.  My father tried to the best of his ability but alcohol was his first love. Unfortunately both fell short in their abilities because they always let the outside world in first.  My father was a binge drinker and the reason that I hate alcohol to this day. We never knew when he was just not going to show up from work one Friday and not come back for 2-3 day. My mother felt it her "obligation" to hunt him down, not to bring him home, just to know where he was. I can remember many, many nights being pulled from a warm bed and placed in the back seat of the car with a blanket and a pillow while she drove around three different cities for hours checking out all the bar parking lots looking for his truck. I never knew when it was safe to bring a friend to spend the night because I didn't want them to have to be subjected to her midnight hunts. Between binges my parents never fought, at least with each other, but they were always "on the outs", as they called it, with one family member or another. Sometimes several at a time as taking sides seems to be mandatory in my family. A game I always, and still do, refuse to play. So cousins that you saw daily and became close to would one day disappear from your life and it would be months until you got to see them again. Then the feud would swap and it would be different members of the family fighting and taking sides. To this day my mother is so fond of saying "Well we certainly never kept you away from your aunt/uncle/cousins just because we weren't getting along, you were always welcome to see them." Really Mom? So if I had ask to borrow the car at 8 yrs old you would have said "Of course dear, just be home by dinner."  Somehow I don't think that would have been your response, so how the hell did you think we were all going to see each other, we were only children?

My father owned a company and was a building contractor for high end homes. We always lived in the "show house", people were not allowed to come inside but could see from the outside the type of house the company built, but that show home was always meant to be sold at some point when they built another one, which meant we moved about every 2 yrs, sometimes sooner. When I got old enough to unpack my own room I never even bothered to unpack it all, I was just going to have to pack it up again. One of big dreams has always been to someday buy my own house so I would never have to move again. Then I married a military man which gave me 20 more years of packing, moving, unpacking and losing friends. But I still held on to that dream.

Then we retired from the military and finally bought that house. The day those keys were handed to me in May I felt such a relief, finally I would be able to stay in one place. My husband made excellent money as a civil engineer so there was nothing to worry about money wise either. I could finally breath after all the years of ups and downs and moving from place to place. That lasted a month. In June my husband decided he wanted to be a teenager again and while I was good enough to live through the hard times I wasn't good enough to share the easy times with him. He sold my house and walked out the door. So we got an apartment and yet again moved. When I came to the realization I didn't really miss him, I actually liked it without him I decided to buy a house. That is when I discovered he had totally ruined my credit. I was shocked, I had always paid my bills on time, that is something that has always been important to me. I couldn't even get a credit card in my name. So I spent the next several years cleaning up his mess. Now I have insufficient credit, no credit at all, which is just as bad. I don't understand how they expect you to build it back up if they won't give it to you in the first place? Anyway, I ask my mother to co-sign so I would have a card for emergencies and could buy something on it to pay off and build back my credit. Her response was "How do I know that going on a vacation would not be an emergency for you?" I think her first clue should have been the fact that I had not been on a vacation since 1977, but I guess not. She wouldn't do it. My father would have but he is now deceased. So I never did get that card to build my credit up and the dream of one day owning a home is gone forever.

Then my illness got worse forcing me to stop working and making  me totally dependent on my alimony check. It pays the bills and buys food but there is nothing left over. If I file for disability I lose my alimony which is more than my disability would be.  My sons rarely get to go to a movie with their friends or anywhere else that costs money, clothing and shoes for them is a struggle. We need a new living room suit, my sons need new beds but we have adjusted and learned to do without a lot. Someone ask me the other day where I bought my last pair of shoes from, I have not bought a new pair of shoes for myself since 2001 so I couldn't even remember. If anything extra comes up we are in trouble. Never a feeling of being safe.

My sons sperm donar has nothing to do with them, if they ask him for $30 to do something with their friends, take a girl on a date or buy a new pair of shoes they are always told he doesn't have it and turns them down. Yet the next day will post pictures of himself and his girlfriend on a cruise ship in the Bahama's. This year alone he has been on 2 ski trips, 3 cruises, 1 trip to Key West and a trip to Disney Land. Does he not think how this makes them feel? How much it hurts them? Why can't he ask them to go on a vacation with him knowing I can't give them one? None of this even crosses his mind but it breaks my boys hearts and then mine breaks for them. It is hard and it's depressing to feel so alone and that no one cares. I said that to my mother one time and her answer to me was "Well, what do you expect me to do, you should have picked better when you picked a husband. You shouldn't have got sick and then you wouldn't have to live and do without." Wow, Mom never thought of that, but your right I should never have gotten sick with an incurable disease, it wasn't fair to any of us, but it isn't exactly like I can hand it back to them and say "Uh, excuse me, but I don't want this anymore so I am giving it back."

Then someone came into my life due to a catastrophic illness my pug has. She cares. Just talking on the phone with her makes me feel better and she makes me laugh. She has not only saved my dog's life but has helped me in many other ways, some of which she isn't even aware of. To me she is perfect. She has been blessed with something I have never experienced before. A big heart with no strings attached. A loving, caring nature for everyone and everything. The wisdom to say just the right thing to make me feel better about myself. The ability to never judge. She is an Angel and one that God molded perfectly. I can't help but make the comparison that with this big, cold, distant family I have, that this one woman whom I have yet to meet face to face is the one that shows us what love and caring is really about. She makes me feel safe.

I love you Jac, and thank you for being their for us, for me.

Oh and Lola wants Stan Milhous to know that his eyes make her swoon.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Shit I Hate Sunday With Rockin Mama

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Cause we all need a little venting to 
complete strangers from time to time.
It's like therapy but free.

Shit I Hate...Someone drinking the last coke before I get up, they know it is my life's blood and I have to have one first thing in the morning.

Shit I Hate...Having to ask for help for live saving treatment for my dog that I can't afford. So many have given to help her. She is going to need an a treatment I knew nothing about next week and am not even mentioning it because I already feel so bad for all they have already done and her regular treatment is in October and I know I will need help with it. I would give anything to be able to afford it without having to put it off until I can save for it. It just sucks.

Shit I Hate...Waking up feeling like the Lupus pain is going to have control today and not me.

Shit I Hate...People who ask the obvious questions. Are they identical? Nope, just like one of them so much I decided to have him cloned.

Shit I Hate...The grocery store, I hate getting groceries and won't go until their rib cages start to show.

Shit I Hate...People who come into MY house and then complain about dog hair. I didn't invite you over, they live here you don't, if you don't like it then don't come.

Shit I Hate...Getting a haircut, I am never satisfied with the results and then feel the need to bitch about it for a week and yet will turn around and make another appointment at the same place.

Shit I Hate...An absentee sperm donor who makes over $200 a year and can't buy his kids one new XBox when theirs is broken forcing me to have to get one and make payments I really can't afford. Guess that extra money would cause his girlfriend to have a couple less martini's on their cruise to the Bahama's.

Your Shitting Me? Dentist? No Way! This Place Has To Be A Zoo!

I realize my time is almost up with pediatric dentists. It will be a sad day, they give out the good goodies. But for now I am still making them suffer the indignity because dammit I want that free McDonald's coupon, the free huge size box of toothpaste, the floss and a the new toothbrushes every time. Double that and you rack up on the goodies. Hell this time we even got two free baseball caps (more on those later).

We pull up and of course I am armed with my headphones, music on my phone and my book. I really wanted to wear the full face helmet I ride the Harley with my friend but he kept telling me it was overkill. He, I might add, did not have to go to this horrible place full of horrible children. As soon as you walk into the downstairs door you are bombarded with murals of jungle animals. That could be insight on the dentists point, a kind of warning so to speak. These murals follow you all the way up the stairs the closer you get to the top the louder it gets. Your stomach starts to sink because you just know you aren't going to be blessed with an appointment where no one else is there or even just one or two of the little creatures. As soon as you open that double door and walk in your assaulted by sound. I swear to God it looked like someone had just stepped on an ant bed and the ants were running everywhere. Immediately, The Devil's Advocate says "Mom, be nice, try not to insult anyone in here until we get done and back to the car, once we are gone you can do what you want". He has no faith in my ability to control myself. The Demon Seed says "Your wasting your breath, just get prepared she won't be able to hold out that long" I did really well all the way to the reception desk, I pushed down the urge to step on any little ants that got in front of me and didn't say one bad thing to them. It didn't last long. At the reception desk, I checked them in and the fun started. At least for the ants. While standing there checking them in one starts clutching at my legs with the nasty fingernails and dirtiest face I have ever seen. I wasn't really mean about it, I simply said......OK so I said it loudly,  "Honey, I think you need to go find Mommy, she may have plans on cleaning you up a little before you go visit the nice dentist." Still proud because I had called the dentist nice and didn't scare the child. The entire waiting room is decorated for children.  Do they not realize grown people have to actually bring those ants in? I'm not very tall at 5'1" so the low benches weren't all that bad. But Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate are 6'2" tall, it was a struggle for them but they did look rather cute sitting there with their knees up to their chins. I wanted to take a picture of them but I have a pink rhinestone cover on my phone and I was afraid the creatures running loose would see something shiny and attack in an attempt to gain control of it. It would have gotten nasty because NO ONE is going to take away my fantasy that I look just like Paris Hilton when I carry it. The boys know it's coming so they don't want to sit on the same midget bench as I am. Silly boys, like I can't make my voice carry across a room of screaming ants if I want to embarrass them. Instead I just squeezed in between them, hey, they are a lot bigger and we could quickly see safety was going to a concern, I wanted protection.

The ants just kept streaming in the door as if following an invisible line of cookie crumbs. I counted them at one time out of sheer boredom. 32 ants in the room, running , screaming, fighting, coming up to you wanting you to read to them. I must have been in there on "dirty kid day", I swear out of all those ants there was maybe only two of them that I would have taken out in public, let alone to the dentist. I was forced to tell  two of them that would not leave me alone that all the animals on the wall came alive and ate them if the kids didn't sit with their parents and be quiet. They quickly scrambled back to Mom and Dad's lap. Well Dad's lap, I don't think Mom had actually seen her lap in many years so she only had knees to sit on. Two down, thirty to go. I don't even want to hear how cruel I am, it was a matter of survival at that point and to be honest I would not have cared if the animals did eat them.

I put my headphones in, it didn't drown out the noise but did give me some cover for calling them all names under my breath, they thought I was silently singing along with the song. Then one little ant ran up and pulled off my headphones so to preserve them I put them back in my purse while quietly telling the child that the dentist really didn't like little kids with the name of Melissa and had made that day "Hurt All Melissa's Day" (I had heard her parents call her this about a thousand times by then) so I hope he wasn't too hard on her back there. Her Mom apologized and I informed her that I thought Melissa and I had an understanding and were all good with each other now.

I go to reception and ask how much longer was it going to be so I could plan my admission to the mental ward of the local hospital for immediately after. She tells me about another hour. I inform her that any longer than 30 minutes and she was going to have to take me in the back and share some of that nitrous oxide that I knew they were not just giving to the children, there is no physically possible way to work in that place without running back for a hit of the nitrous at least once an hour. She promised me 30 minutes or a hit off the nitrous.

I go back to "patiently" wait for that 30 minutes to pass when the door open and in SHE comes. I thought there was something familiar about the child even though I couldn't see her face because of the dirty matted hair that covered it, and the goosebumps on my arms tell me I have reason to fear her. Then Demon Seed leans over and says "Hey look, it's the girl from the movie "The Ring!" This child even walked like the little girl in that movie, all joking aside she was a creepy ass little kid. Of course this is when they call mine to the back. I was wanting to grab each ones leg and scream " No, don't leave me here, I think I rewound the DVR a couple of times last night and I know I gave a movie to the neighbor to watch!" Instead I curled up in a fetal position on the midget bench and didn't take my eyes off of her, praying for the dentist to hurry and call me back to discuss the exams.

Then my kidney's kick in and I have to go to the bathroom. I know I shouldn't have left the book there but I couldn't hold my purse, the book and feel my way along the wall while keeping my back to it so I wouldn't have to take my eyes of the Ring Girl at the same time. While in the bathroom a baby, kind of hard to get mad at a 12 month old, real easy to get mad at the Mom that watched him do it, chewed the entire corner off of my hardbound book while I was in the bathroom. Not just a little nibble or two the damn kid literally ate a corner of the book.  So I kept quite when I saw the child next to her dig through her purse while she is dealing with the baby, come out with lipstick and paint the bench and her own clothes and face with Mom's Monkey Butt Red lipstick. I rather enjoyed it actually.

Finally the God's shined upon me and I was called to the back. I am told how beautiful their teeth are, how perfectly straight and in alignment with the jaw and how fortunate that they had and  never will  needed braces. The Devil's Advocate's filling is filled so all is good there. Demon Seed has to have the baby tooth pulled that refuses to come out on the 30th. Both are sparkly clean and after the 30th I will have a full 6 months before I have to come back. Next time I am coming armed with hockey sticks, knee and elbow pads and asking for the "Clean Kid Day" for appointments and can they please just give me my shot of nitrous oxide as soon as I walk in instead of waiting until things escalate. We get our bag of goodies and the boys head for the car, afraid some other child might approach me and knowing I was at the breaking point to make a scene. They didn't want to be present. Then the assistant comes running from the back telling me the boys forgot their hats and hands me two brand new local team popular baseball hats. I think to myself that the dentist has really stepped up on the goodies and wondering if I can lie about their ages so they don't have to move next door to the adult side in eight months.

I get in the car, for once I am allowed to drive and get half way home before I remember the hats in the bag. I tell them both that the dentist gave them hats this time too. They open the bag and said "Uh, Mom, they made a mistake, we saw the man and his kid next to us wearing these hats, they must have forgot them and just thought they were ours"  I told them both I was NOT going backing to the well where the Ring Girl was and to enjoy their new hats. In unison they both say "But Mom, they belong to someone!" I, of course,wanting them always to do the right thing said: "Of course they do, they belong to you, now put the fuckers on, smile and show off those beautiful teeth! He probably isn't brave enough to go back and get them anyway." I stepped on the gas to pick up speed just in case he might be following us to reclaim those hats.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Two For Teeth

Dear God,
If I ever have to take two 17 yr olds to the dentist at the same time again would you please just come and take me in my sleep the night before?
Thank you,

One is whining because he has a cavity to be filled and the other one doesn't. One is complaining because he has to floss and brush before going. His reasoning is "They are going to clean them anyway so what is the point?" Because I need to cover my ass is why. I fed you both sugared donuts and Jalapeno flavored cheese puffs for breakfast and McDonald's for lunch so just brush and floss for God's sake!  I don't need a lecture this afternoon. The Demon Seed isn't a big talker so I can probably count on him. At best they will only get a couple of grunts out of him. There isn't enough sedation in the world to shut up The Devil's Advocate, on any subject, so he will delight in naming off all the junk food I have allowed him to consume in the name of sanity in the last 6 months. With that one I will just consider it a win if he doesn't tell on me too.

I plan on taking a book to hide behind, maybe sit on the other side of the waiting room and pretend I don't know them. I am even prepared to roll my eyes along with others waiting when I hear one of them loudly proclaim to the other one as if they were hard of hearing " Damn that ugly tree fucked her up bad!" when a new patient comes in. I might even mumble something about their poor mother just to make it seem more realistic.

I have put this off as long as possible so I really have to run for now. All hope that the dental office has burned to the ground and all appointments are cancelled until they rebuild is gone.

Pray for me.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Five Question Friday

Yeah, I am a lazy bitch again today so I am taking the easy way out until the Klonopin kicks in and I can think clear enough to actually write a post. Please be aware that may come after a long nap or never.

Five Question Friday-Link up and play along!

1. Thunder storms- love them or hate them?

Love them, actually live for them and if they are at night even better. A good storm makes me want to break out in song:

Well, I love a rainy night
I love a rainy night
I love to hear the thunder
Watch the lightning
When it lights up the sky
You know it makes me feel good

Phew! Glad I got that out of my system, never was a big Eddie Rabbitt fan, but like this song. I have this whole storm ritual, I want everyone home, something cooked to eat or at the very least snacks available or fast food brought in (I am quite sure the local chinese delivery thinks I only eat on days we have storm warnings), turn my phone off so my ex mother in law can't call every five minutes to see if we have met an untimely death due to the storm (it may be wishful thinking on her part, I can't be sure), the sofa, a couple of pillows, the big screen tv complete with dvr recordings (of course), my dogs snuggled with me (how sad I would rather snuggle a pug than a damn man at this junction in my life, or smart, two ways to look at it) and an extra dose of Klonopin (this is non negotiable on anyday let alone a stormy day or night).

2. Do your kids get back to school clothes

They are home schooled so do new pajamas count? I kid, I kid! Not about the homeschooling part but I do buy them actual clothing as they do have a life outside the home as that is the only sanity I get. I do however get new clothes for them around the same time all the public school kids get them, it gives them something to talk to their friends about who are about 50% public and 50% home school based and kind of gets them in the school spirit. They both say considering I am harder than any teacher they ever had in public school they need some kind of compensation. I do however refuse to go with them, they are finally old enough to just hand the money to them and say go pick out some clothes. That way I don't have to watch all the people around them turn up their nose and wonder what that horrible odor emanating from their bodies is. I have discovered it is rare that people who do not have teenagers actually recognize the life force giving scent of AXE.

3. Do you golf? Do you watch it?

I only watched golf several years ago when dating a golf pro. I had ulterior motives in mind, trust me it was not a love for the game. I find myself actually a little embarrassed for most golfers. Who dresses these men?

4. Showers or baths?

I usually prefer a bath. I have fibromyalgia and Lupus so the soak in the hot water in a jetted tub helps ease the pain. Plus I love the new bubble baths that are safe to use in jetted tubs, you get the best of both worlds. A good soak, jetted tub to ease the aches, bubbles and always a candle to read my book by. When I find the muscular naked man to feed me grapes or strawberries while all this is going on it will be the perfect set up and I most likely would lose the need to blog. 

5. What's the strangest meal you ever ate?

Some concoction a church member made for an after church dinner. Do you know how hard it is to spit something out while violently gagging without being seen? 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

5 Out Of 5 Ain't Bad

Normally questionnaires send me running from the room screaming but something about this one was a little different, not the usual "what's your favorite food" deal, so I decided to give it a try. Also I can't think of a damn thing to write this morning, it's storming, I'm too lazy to get up and turn the AC up so I'm freezing and it's getting harder and harder to ignore the hunger pains that are distracting me (that lazy thing again).

What are the 5 scariest things you have ever heard from a doctor:
1. "I'm sorry, we lost your son's heart beat, we can't do anything else" (It was on my birthday)

2. "Your daughter is in a coma and has less than 1% chance of making it, we have done all we can, if she does survive she will most likely be in a permanent vegetative state" (He was so wrong, this child in now in her third year of nursing school and carrying a 4.0, you would never know she had been this close to death She was 18 yrs old at the time)

3. "Well, it's a poisonous mushroom, but we can't identify it and it appears she ate the whole thing ( child from number 2 again, I swear I am not trying to kill this child!  They finally did identify the mushroom by calling in a botonist, pumped out her stomach and gave her an antidote and she was fine. She was 14 months old at the time)

4. "We think it is cancer and need to remove it right away. (This was Demon Seed last summer, it wasn't cancer but we didn't know it wasn't for 6 weeks, he had an abscess pressing against his heart and lungs caused from the virus Cat Scratch Fever, ironic since we have no cats, so a minor biopsy turned into major surgery that had him in isolation all last summer with an open surgical wound that had to be unpacked and packed daily. Do you have any idea how much fun being in isolation with a teenager is, especially one who has also been told he can't use his AXE until the wound closes in 2-3 months?)

5. "It's male twins and they are identical. (OH FUCK, that is all you can think of when hearing this news, actually that's the only thought that goes through your head for the whole next week then "What did I do to deserve this" sets in.)

What are your 5 top pet peeves involving people:
1. Stupidity (I have a zero tolerance policy)

2. People who are too lazy to clean and live in a filthy house (if you can't clean your house I am 99% sure your not cleaning your ass either)

3. People who show up at my door uninvited to "visit" ( I have some favorite decrepit pajama's not fit for public viewing that I refuse to give up because they are comfy, these I won't even wear to Walmart, drop in on me and it will probably teach you to have the manners to call first)

4. Reformed smokers (I've already discussed this one)

5. Scammers (especially when it's a 17 yr old friend of your children's doing it because they think you are too old and dumb to see right through them. I especially hated the red head that use to come in here like Eddie Haskell and say "Good morning, your looking especially beautiful this morning. I wish you were my Mom." Then go back to The Devil's Advocate's room and say "Hey, let's go someplace and plan a murder",( now I'm not sure he actually said "plan a murder" I could have misheard the exact words but I can't imagine, knowing him, that it didn't ever cross his mind.)

What are 5 funniest things that have been said to you or overheard by you:
1. Your test is positive, you're pregnant (Whoa cowboy, just what were you tripping on when you did that total hysterectomy on me five years ago? Surely you got all the right parts? Are you dyslexic, possibly reading the test backwards or drunk? I have an idea let's check the name on the chart and make sure you even have my chart. He didn't, it belonged to the room next to me.)

2. I was working in an OB clinic and a couple from a foreign country came in and wanted a pregnancy test done. Back then we had to have early morning urine. I told them they would have to come back the next morning to take the test. He shows up the next morning early, alone. Tells me his wife isn't feeling well and he is going to take the test for her. Who am I to argue? I let him pee in a cup, told him he wasn't pregnant but I couldn't tell if his wife was or not until she came in and did the same thing. Hey, it was easier than trying to explain it to him, he didn't speak English well and I didn't speak his language at all.

3. While making arrangements with the priest for Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate's christening, my then 7yr old daughter very seriously looked up at me and said "But Mom, what are we going to do if steam comes off their heads when they sprinkle the water on them?"  I thought it was hysterical, the Priest looked a little frightened.

4. My oldest son, age 2yrs at the time stood up in the pew at church and started playing with the rosary, normally he would have to sit down but he had been very fussy all morning so I was willing to let him do anything to keep him calm, until I hear him yell as loudly as he could "Hang on Jesus, you're going for a ride" while wildly swinging the rosary like a cowboy trying to rope a calf. I should have been embarrassed but I found it so funny I couldn't control my own laughter and had to take him, and myself, out.

5. While at work one day I overheard a patient's elderly wife on the telephone giving the post surgery update to a family member on her husband telling them we had neutered him at 10:00am and he was now in recovery. It took me a minute to figure this one out. We had removed his prostrate gland and somehow she thought this was the equivalent of neutering a dog. I was going to explain it to her but then the thought of her running around telling everyone her husband had been neutered seemed so much more fun that I just let it go.

Name 5 of your most embarrassing moments:
1. I am not from here originally, in other words I am not a native redneck. When I first came here 30 yrs ago my accent was still very strong and not yet corrupted by the southern dialect. I sent my 5 yr old son to school with a note asking "Do I need to provide rubbers for him or does the school provide them?" I was called to the school office the next morning to discuss the note, they were very concerned for my son. I was very confused. It was only after I got there that I realized rubbers are called erasers here. Who knew?

2. Church Christmas play when my daughter was about 4-5 yrs old. Now remember this is the daughter that we argued over after every service because no one wanted to go pick her up from the nursery. We couldn't even bribe the two older ones to go get her for us. She was and still is as unfiltered as I am so there was never a doubt that she had said something, just how bad it was going to be was the iffy part. So they decide to put her in the Christmas play, I warned them, I mean the child already had a reputation at the church did they really think she was going to stand there and quietly do her part for a play when she had a whole audience captured? So there they all were, lined up in brand new suits with red ties and the little girls in red velvet dresses trimmed in lace and fur, including mine. The only difference was mine did the entire play with her dress slung up over her head. At one point turning her back and doing a "booty shake". I was mortified, the whole church was laughing. I ask her afterwards why she did it when she had such a pretty new dress to show off ? Her reply was "Mommy, EVERYONE had new dresses but I had new underwear too and I wanted everyone to see them, I think they liked them."  They had fair warning and she had a good point.

3. My son and I are parked illegally in front of the grocery store waiting for my daughter to run in and pick something up. Yes, the same daughter from the church, the mushroom, the coma, etc. When we are together it is always a race to outdo each other, see who can embarrass who the worst. Not expecting anything, my daughter calmly walks out and about the time she gets to the front of the car she literally throws her body onto the bonnet hood and rolls back down making it look like my son had just hit her with the car. He quickly jumps out, looks all around then runs to the front of the car and drags her limp body to the back, lays her down, opens the boot trunk and "stuffs" her in. Quickly closes the lid, looks around again and jumps back in the drivers seat and takes off. By this time I see several people pulling out cell phones and I am in hysterics just knowing they are calling the police and we are going to be arrested. By the time we were stopped by the police she had of course been released from the trunk and was calmly sitting in the back seat and none of us had any idea what they were talking about. I had to give it to them, that was one of the better ones.

4. My oldest son was and is such a Mamma's boy, but has a great sense of humor (he was the driver in the above incident), when he was 12 I decided to play a trick on him one day and hid in my closet when he came home from school. My intentions were to jump up as soon as he came looking for me and scare him. This might be the reason my children are warped, they had no one to show them what was proper and what wasn't, Mom is usually in on it with them. I will wear my "Bad Mom" badge proudly, at least we have fun. For some unknown reason and totally out of character for him when he came in and called for me and I didn't answer he turned straight around without coming to look for me, goes next door and calls his grandmother, who then calls the police and reports me missing. All this time I am still in the closet stifling giggles just imagining his reaction when he came back to look for me. I really thought he had just gone outside to look for me and would be back. I knew no different until suddenly I hear grown men, who turned out to be police officers, in my house going from room to room calling my name, his grandmother in the background saying over and over "Sweet Jesus let us find her and let her be alive and not murdered". Now what the hell do I do? I can't just stay there, they won't go away they will eventually find me in the closet. Nothing to do but tuck my tail between my legs, sheepishly come out of the closet and confess. Everyone took it pretty good except Grandma.

5. My daughter and I stop in McDonald's for lunch. Suddenly she asks if the manager can come and speak with us. I ask her why and she says, simply, "You will see", I'm sure you have guessed which daughter by now which is why I was very nervous. He comes out and she wants to talk to him about catering her wedding (she didn't even have a boyfriend at the time), he was a little surprised but he was sure they could handle it until she gets to the guest list of 800 and wants Ronald McDonald there to officiate, The Hamburgler to help cut the cake which must be a giant Ronald surrounded by all the other McDonald's character's. Oh and did he think it would be just too over the top if she threw in some Sesame Street characters too? She goes into every little detail she could think of in this pretend wedding with this man. I wanted to kill her before she got her "wedding plans" finished and finally drove the poor manager to the brink and he had to tell her that a wedding that size with that much detail was just out of their scope. She looked at him sweetly, smiled and said "Oh OK, I'll just have a Big Mac for lunch then." It was even worse when the guy felt so bad that he couldn't accommodate her wedding plans that he gave us our lunch for free. Now how many of you want her to come and visit you for a few weeks? What?! No takers, I'm shocked!

Name 5 things that scare you the most:
1. Losing another child

2. Insects (I have such a fear of insects of any kind that I have actually fainted before, several times, when one has gotten on me, but let me tell you I can hit an insect from 16 ft away with a book and hit it every time)

3. The Apocalypse (hey, I'm not prepared, I could never keep that much food in my house without eating on it before it actually happens, there is not enough toilet paper in the world or space to store it to get us through at the rate we use it around here, they won't give me a prescription for 10 billion Klonipin's at one time to get me through, I might be trapped for years with the Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate who talks non stop and are armed with AXE, that scares the fuck out of me, where will I go to fulfill my pajama fetish, who would we eat first if the food runs out, considering my fat layer I'm pretty sure they will choose me, a lot to worry about here! )

4. My car breaking down while I am alone (mostly because half the time I forget to take my cell phone with me when I leave so I can't call my roadside assistance and the only thing I know about cars is they need gas to run. I can literally obsess about this one making myself a nervous wreck the whole time I am gone unless I have my Adam Lambert CD in to distract me. He is very lucky I am not a gay man! I would be all over that and then most likely be arrested for stalking.)

5. Small children (OK, this one may not be an actual fear, more like an intense dislike that makes it fearful to think I might have to be within a 2 mile radius of one)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Totally Random Thoughts

Since I am in the mood to write but all thoughts of a coherent post have had the life force sucked out of me during my restless night of non-sleep. I slept with a pug last night that wanted all three pillows, made eleventy thousand trips to check the front door to see if The Demon Seed was coming home (he wasn't) as he is her usual sleeping partner, decided to eat in the middle of the night making slurping sounds that can only come from a pug and finally fell asleep on my head snoring loudly in my ear. By this time I was afraid to move for fear of waking her up and having the whole process start again that I laid quietly awake in one position on the sofa for hours, at least I was able to reach the remote control. Yes, the pug is in control and she knows it. But it did give me some time for deep thoughts. I also want to go on record and say that I do not agree with The Devil's Advocate when he says I am the only person in town that takes a cup of hot coffee outside in 100 degree temps and sit on my balcony in my Popeye and Olive Oyl pj's at 11:00 am to drink it. I am sure there are more of us out there.

Ramona Singer from The Real Housewives of New York. Is she normal? I really hate to say it but she really needs to be wearing a helmet and being led around on a keeper's leash. Can they really not look at the woman's googly eyes and her body language and not see that something is seriously wrong with her? Even on the rare occasion her mouth is shut those eyes never stop spinning. She scares the fuck out of me. Her husband isn't much better, the fact that the man can wake up to her every morning and not run screaming confuses me. I don't know if I should admire his fortitude or assume he is bat shit crazy too. I'm going with bat shit crazy, something is a little off with that continuous smile of his. Awful to say but she really does make Kelly Bensimon look sane.

Reformed Smokers, not all of them, just the ones that think putting down that last cigarette gave them the right to judge and preach to others. There should be a mandatory ruling that all reformed smokers live on their own island. To me it's simple, if I am outside smoking then don't come and stand right beside me with your nose in the air, coughing and gasping. Move away, the outside is a big area. My mother falls into this category. The woman smoked for 40 yrs and then quit. I'm proud of her for that but seriously does she really need to say to me "I'm surprised you haven't killed one of those kids yet with your secondary smoke." Really? You didn't kill us with yours. She quit one day, developed a severe smoke allergy the next day and by the third day amnesia had set in, wiping out the fact that she had ever been a smoker.

Diet Drinks. Does it really help to drink a Diet Coke while swallowing a Ding Dong whole? I went to a buffet one night with an acquaintance. This woman piled as much food on two plates as she could possibly get, went back to get a third plate to pile the desserts on and then ask for a Diet Coke. Why? Did she really think that Diet Coke was going to cancel out the 23 pounds of food she had on her plates? Better yet the ones that do the same thing and then ask for ice water to drink because it doesn't "have calories" in it. Bitch it isn't the Coke making you gain all that weight, scrape some of that food off your plate, have a real Coke and enjoy your meal! Passing up the Little Debbie aisle at the grocery will go a long way on your weight loss plan too.

Names. I like unusual names, my own children have unusual names. But come on people give the kid a chance to learn to spell it when they go to school! This has been a debate between Rebecca and I for many years. Like me she likes unusual names, unfortunately though she also likes unusual spellings. Out of all her children, there are only two that you could even tell what the child's name is by it's spelling, it still isn't spelled right but at least it is close enough to make it out. I can't tell you how many times the school has called me to come pick up Yucky when her mother was not available. Her name is spelled Yukie but pronounced UKeeah (ladies and gentlemen this is probably the only time you will ever see someone's real name on this blog), the child has gone her whole life being called Yucky, fortunately when she got old enough she learned to tell everyone her name is simply Kia. She has seven children, so Yucky is just an example, five of those seven are just as mispelled, I will be nice and not out them all.  This is why Rebecca was never allowed to help name any of my children, nope, she couldn't even join in the discussion anymore after suggesting "River" and "Lake" which I liked, but I had to ask her just for fun how she would spell them. Her reply was "Reyvr" and "Lach". Turns out I was right all along and Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate fit them much better.

Cleaning up dog shit. Please tell me, if you have your dog on a leash and you know it shit one one side of the potty area why in hell do you go to the other side of the potty area to pick it up after going to the little box and getting the plastic baggie they provide? If your memory is that bad, get the damn bag first and carry it with you. I watch this happen over and over where I live.

Why is this stupid man is struggling to push the baby stroller in the grass beside the sidewalk, giving the poor child whiplash. Why not walk on the sidewalk? Are we not suppose to walk on the sidewalk? I must check the lease.

Why does The Demon Seed have only 2 subjects he will willingly sit down and talk to you about? Game systems and computers, not playing them, but building them or modding them.  At best your going to get 15 minutes from him. Yet, his brother The Devil's Advocate has about 666 subjects he is willing to sit down and talk about for hours and hours, to the point you catch yourself looking around for something, anything that could be used as a gag.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Unfortunately For Jay Fallen...The Email Arrived

I hate it for you Jay but today I received yet another email from my new best friend, Shelley. I think we may be bonding, or she is just stupid and didn't get the concept of what I was trying to convey to her in my last reply. Here is today's mail from her and my response back. Consider this your warning, I will be discussing feminine hygiene products.

Hi there Shea!

Just wanted to make sure you saw my note below about Fragrance Free Day, this Friday, August 10th? I thought your readers might be interested in participating in our live Twitter chat with our panel of green experts from 1-2 pm on Friday.

I'm including the press release for the event below. You can also visit SeaYu's blog for more information:


My New BFF Shelley,
 I did see and respond to your "note", I'm not sure where "below" is, living in the south I only know where "over yonder" is, but I did find it in my email box,  and it wasn't under a damn thing. Did you mean to hide it under something and the email God's moved it? If so, I apologize for that.

At any rate, we have already discussed why it isn't good for me to join Fragrance Free Day and apparently you missed my blog post on my twitting tweets with my twat. It has proven to be even harder than it sounded, sometimes when something isn't used for a while it doesn't always respond. I may have to retrain it. Unfortunately I don't think I can get enough lessons in between now and the 10th so it is doubtful I will be twat tweeting with you. My readers, however are free to tweet with you at their own discretion, it may hard for a couple of them considering they don't have twats to tweet with. I would have thought with our new found friendship you would have read my post and understand my issue with tweeting. If your going to be my new best friend by sending me these constant emails you gotta get with it girl and keep up with my blog!

I did notice that this time you sent me a link for odor and stain remover. Does that by any chance work on teenage boys? I mean I really am in the market for something, anything, to replace the overwhelming vapor of AXE that wafts through my house after showers. So if it can be used as a body wash, deodorant and body spray then we might have a deal.

Can this also be used as a douche? I am a little picky about my scent. I much prefer the fresh scents of the ocean or clean linen even a light flowery smell is fine. I just don't want to be standing in line at Walmart and have everyone around me looking around to see where the Lysol odor is coming from only to discover it is coming from my crotch. That would just open up a whole dialogue I just really wouldn't want to engage in while standing in the cashier's line.

Also your tweeting time from 1:00-2:00 poses a slight problem for me. That is the time for my second Klonopin dose of the day and to deal with tweeting on twitter I would have to wash it down with some Tequila which would highly enhance the effects of the medication, rendering anything I might possibly bring to the discussion a little iffy. Hell, I have trouble filtering when sober, as I'm sure you have guessed by now. I fear with my Klonopin on board and the Tequila I might possibly be able to take down your whole company with a few misplaced comments. I do appreciate the invite though and hope you keep me in mind for any future events your company might have.

I will eagerly await your response to my questions.  Your concern for my family's hygiene truly touches my heart.

Love ya like a sister girl,

Monday, August 6, 2012

Tweeting Twats On Twitter

So my Pug Slut group, yes we are all sluts that own pugs, pretty much says it all. Anyway we have decided we are exchanging tweet names. Not ever having caught the tweet bug like so many have after signing up for it so long ago that I can't even remember when, I also no longer remembered my username and password so I had to get a new account. I am now the confused, owner of a twitter account. Do I know anything about it? Hell no. I can post a tweet and respond to one, that is the extent of my knowledge. I may not even be doing that I may be buying vacuum cleaners in cyberspace for all I know.

I don't know what to tweet on my twitter and do I use my twat to tweet? What about those of the other gender that don't have twats to tweet with? See just how serious owning a twitter account can be? If I do need use my twat to tweet then I am going to need some intensive lessons, that whole unused for a long time thing coming back to haunt me again.

Then there is the little matter of cussing. Can I cuss on twitter when I tweet? Because we all know I won't be able to tweet if can't cuss. I will be in Twitter Jail, I'm sure somewhere there is a Twitter Jail, I'm mean this twitter business is some serious shit here. Twitter people are rabid, they fire off messages faster than I can down a Klonopin and that is pretty damn fast. I have decided that Twitter is a talent, developed over many hours.

Then there is trending and hashtags. It's a whole other world out there. I imagine an underground empire of people who do nothing but tweet all day and night and eventually it spreads until it infects those of us still above ground. Are we in danger? Will the underground Twitters eventually get to us and move us underground with them? Confession: As long as they have good food down there and a pipe line to a few of my favorite fast food restaurants, that isn't a big concern of mine, I like it dark anyway.

What do you tweet about all day? I mean I am pretty boring. Do they really care that I just took a shit, or that I just put ribs in to marinate for dinner or that I am watching the latest low budget reality show that Bravo has put out this week? Upon reading some tweets I have decided that people do care about those very things and yet I still feel strange tweeting "Just fixed myself a glass of tea, put lemon it it, YUM!"

So much to learn about this Twitter but the bird is cute.