EMails and Phone Calls

Just watching the news and there has to be something wrong with people who will stand in line for hours to meet Khloe and Kim Kardashian in a crowded mall. Do they really think these two air heads are going to give the secrets to world peace? Can they not realize that if these two buffoons are appearing in a mall then they are not really your top notch celebrities? OK, got that off my chest.


I thought we do some more of my emails today, they are always good for a good laugh.

Emails:

 Patti: Are you always this sarcastic?

Me: Well, not always, I usually try to tone it down when I am sitting on the toilet as I find there isn't much in the bathroom that irritates me except finding I am out of toilet paper.



Sabrina: Do you really like your kids or are all of these posts just fictional? My children NEVER do stuff like yours.

Me: Fictional? Not hardly. While my children are very intelligent they are at times air headed. I have never been a mother that thinks my children are the smartest, the prettiest and do no wrong. They are real people and at times do really stupid things, I simply point these out as a way to write an amusing blog. Obviously you have perfect children that do no wrong. I applaud you. Which tribe of faeries did you say you live with?




Martha: I would love to come and hang out with you some time, you seem fun.

Me: I can be as long as you don't cross me. You are welcome to come but you must be aware that one stupid comment or action is going to get you in my blog. Also I have a hateful Chihuahua who might bite, he doesn't like strangers and I don't like to break his spirit by teaching him different because I really don't like strangers either so why should I force him? I also have a psychotic pug who thinks everyone loves her as much as she loves them. She has a large tongue and loves to kiss so I ask that you not wear creams or make up for her safety. She sheds so black may not be the best choice in clothing while visiting my house. She will also steal out of an open purse so please make sure you have a zippered purse. If the word fuck, or any variation of the word, bothers you then you might prefer visiting the neighbor, we let fly with the word quite often around here.


Joseph (Joey): Do you party a lot?


Not unless you considered sipping on a Mojita while in my flannel Mickey Mouse pj's partying. Sometimes I really let my hair down and watch the Cartoon Network at the same time. It just seems to make more sense when your drinking Mojito's. On a really wild night I might even leave my underwear off under my pj's. Next time your in town look me up, but don't forget to bring your flannel pj's!


Karen: Do you really lay around in your pajamas's all day and take Valium?


Me: No, of course not! My medication has been changed to Klonapin so I lay around in my pajamas's all day and take Klonapin. I must change that in my header, I don't want to mislead anyone.

Bill: My wife and I are huge animal lovers. We don't like the way you refer to your dogs at times in your blogs. My wife wants me to call your local animal control to see if they could find them better homes.

Me: I am sorry I offend you. Do you need to the number to my local animal welfare office? I do have one favor to ask. Could you wait to call until May 4th? I plan on a weekend in the  mountains at that time and it would save me a ton of boarding fees on the little ingrates.


Phone calls:


Mom: Do you have a 1/3 cup measuring cup?
Me: Yes, why?
Mom: Well, I am making a cake and can't find mine.
Me: Are you calling to borrow mine? Mom, I live 700 miles away, surely someone you know right there in town has one and you can use it right away. Better yet have Dad run to town and buy you a new one.
Mom: I'm sure they do but I just thought I would ask you first. I'll send Dad to town.


Mom: I think I will go to a yard sale today.
Me: Thank God I live to far away and don't have to be drug all over town to yard sales. Mom, you hate yard sales so why are you going?
Mom: Well I would never buy anything from a yard sale, you just never know where it has come from.
Me: Then why do you go?
Mom: Well, this one is right next to that little restaurant I have been wanting to try out and Dad hates yard sales, it will be a piece of cake to get him to leave the yard sale and go over there and eat. It's called reverse psychology, dear.

Mom: I just got back from town. I went with Suzie to the doctor and she has me wore out. Do you know she left me in the car for almost 2 hours while she chatted with a friend in the post office? I love her dearly but she just never knows when to be quiet. Why doesn't she just wait until she gets back home and call them on the phone to chat?
Me: Yeah, I know, that is why I won't go anywhere with her when I come home. But Mom you do the
same thing when we go anywhere with you.
Mom: I do not!  I NEVER chat with anyone for more than an hour and a half when I am out running around like that and know the rest of you are waiting on you.
Me: Why don't you just call them when you get back home and chat.
Mom: Do you have any idea how hard it is to get someone off the phone? They want to talk forever and they just go on and on about nothing.
Me: Well what do you talk to them about when you see them out somewhere?
Mom: Oh, nothing much. Just gossip and things in general.

Mom: We had a really good service at church today.
Me: Yeah? What was it about.
Mom: I'm not really sure, I didn't get much sleep last night so I nodded off and didn't hear it, I'll have your Dad call and tell you what it was about.
Me: No, you don't have to do that. If you were asleep then how do you know it was a good service?
Mom: Dad told me.