Monday, June 18, 2012

Things That Amused Me This Week

To balance out yesterday's list I thought I would also throw in a few things that amused me this week.

Kid at Pool
I found that a kid screaming "I pooped in the pool" is far more amusing than some aging teenage wannabe screaming "There is a shark in the water". When the shark thing came out all she got was stares and my hero's comments. But when the kid screamed he had dropped a load in the pool it was mass chaos watching all the other swimmers trying to get out of the water and then the parents swimming around trying chase and scoop out the floaters that escaped. Turns out those swim diapers don't contain everything. I'm telling you this was a get a glass of wine, light up a cigarette and kick back in your chair moment. I don't know the national statistics on the time it takes to catch a turd floater but I do know that these two would not have won any contest at it, it took them a good 20 minutes to catch three floating turds.

Security by the Dumpster, Please!
So we go visit a friend about three hours from our house and decide to stop for a drink and some snacks. Demon Seed opts to stay in the car proclaiming, "You all know what I like just get me something", so off we go, make our choices and go to pay. I just happen to look up at the security panel and what do I see on one of those little screens? Yes, Demon Seed pissing by the dumpster in the back of the store, facing the camera. Now all I could think was "I hope no one looks up at those monitors" but then I hear it... The Devil's Advocate... announcing "Oh my God, why didn't he just come inside and use the bathroom, look, you can see his dick plain as day on the camera, damn, now he is shaking it off" and then he dissolves into hysterical laughter and laced with a touch of pride. By now the cashier and those in line behind me are watching too. All I can think of was this simple prayer "God, I don't ask for much, but this time I am begging you, please don't let The Devil's Advocate  mention in anyway that this dumpster pisser belongs to us, let him continue to be so amused and amazed that for once in his life he doesn't call him by name and yell out "Way to go!" Prayers do work, he remained mum on the name and kinship, we managed to get in the car and several miles down the road before my son could be arrested for public indecency. But I do have admit, we laughed and teased him all the way. At one point The Devil's Advocate even told him that the big truck driver in line behind us had asked for his phone number and he gave it to him.

Cell Phone Love
I was sitting on my front balcony enjoying a cup of coffee mate when I hear voices. At first I was a little uneasy since it is 2 am and I am outside with only a purple chihuahua to protect me. But then I realized that it had to be someone we knew or the purple chihuahua would have been barking his fool head off and callling even more attention to the fact that he is...well...purple. It's my neighbor, on the cell phone with his girlfriend. I can't hear any words being said but assume by the amount of pacing, circling the yard, stopping and bending over in agony from time to time and then more pacing that they were in an argument. I like this kid so I am feeling a little sorry for him. That is until he totally missed the stepped down on the curb, went down like someone had run up behind him and gave him a hard push and rolled out into the parking lot. The kid's a Ninja though, he went down, rolled several feet and was back up on his feet again all in one move.  Like it had never happened. Blood was pouring from both knees and the nurse in me kicked in, I jumped up to ask if he was alright and he calmly says "I'm Ok, it's just my heart that's broken", I am trying my best to hold back the laughter because for some reason it is always hilarious when someone else falls down. I tell him his heart is bleeding from his knees and he really needs to clean the wounds. He looks down at both knees and the blood running down his leg and let's out a "Baby, please take me back, I'm bleeding for you". It was over, I could no longer hold in the laughter.

The Vet
I had to take both dogs to the new vet, Lola the pug does her thing with very little concern or argument. I knew it was not going to be the same with the chihuahua. I warned them he would need to be muzzled. They look at his 4 lbs and assure me they can handle him without a muzzle. I again told them they might want to at least consider muzzling him, he would bite them. They laughed me off. I shut up and sat down to watch the show I knew was coming. Four bites, one pair of glasses knocked to the floor and a torn shirt later they decided they needed to muzzle him. The Chupacabra wins again. I tried to warn them. As we are leaving nothing do the pug but to go visit the cows. The vet says they are his personal cows and healthy so let her go look in the pen. She ran over and stuck that little flat face face up between the metal bars all excited over these new and strange creatures she was seeing. One mama cow notices her and comes straight up to her, bends down and puts her wet nose right up against the Pug's face and lets out a loud moo. I have never seen a dog jump so high or run so fast in my life. She pulled the leash out of Demon Seed's hands and took off. She ran straight for the vet's door, unfortunately for her it was very clean glass so she slammed into it face first. Then she just ran and ran. She would have made any greyhound look lame in her attempt to get away from those cows. It could have been an act of revenge on the vet's part and he was just afraid to mess with the chihuahua again.

The Car
First I think I need to explain, my sons are very intelligent. Ok, we are going to ignore the fact that one of them is outside on the back balcony right now laid back in a computer chair he has pulled out there with a computer in his lap, head propped up on a pillow and playing World of Warcraft. Usually he is intelligent so I am pretending not to see this. The other night Demon Seed drove my car to his friend's house, whose mother happens to be a good friend of mine. I don't usually let him take the car if he is spending the night, I either drive him, The Devil's Advocate takes him or the friend he is going to spend the night with picks him up. But this night I told him to just take the car. I did this for a reason. As soon as they fell asleep my friend called me and I sneaked down there and got my car, brought it home and parked it where it is always parked when home. He get's up the next day, no one says a thing to him about the car, he goes to leave and comes back inside in a panic. The car has been stolen and he wants to report it to the police, so my friend pretends to call and report it. He doesn't want me to know because he knows I will be upset but she convinces him he has to tell me. He calls and I go through the whole "What?! Someone stole the car?" routine and tell him to come home immediately. So my friend brings him home where he sees the car. Now you would think that would be his first clue that someone has played a joke on him, right? Nope, he comes in the house all excited and says "Mom, I don't know who took the car but they brought it back home!" This child seriously thought someone had stolen the car and then brought it back home. Not even stopping to think they would have no idea where to bring it home since it was "stolen" from his friends house and not here. He is so relieved and excited that the car is back that it takes him a good two hours for it to sink in and realize we had played a joke on him. He comes in and asks me if I took the car. I tell him no. He then asks if it was The Devil's Advocate. Again I tell him no. So he says..."Then someone really did take it and bring...."  I stopped him and confessed. I couldn't watch the decline of his intelligence any longer.


  1. Heeheehee! Why is it that the most intelligent, are also the most naive?

    And the thought that somewhere out there, is a purple chihuahua, fills me with so much mirth!!

    1. So true, I swear I could run outside and scream "OMG the zoo animals are loose and running wild!!!" and this one would run out to see them before stopping to think we don't even have a zoo here.

  2. I think I would have peed my pants if I would have seen your neighbor go down like that. There is something wrong with me, I always laugh when I see someone get hurt, but sometimes it is just so damn funny!

    1. Maybe we are wired wrong Roe, because I always laugh too. But you just reminded me of a great story that I must blog about! This one may really make you pee your pants, I can dribble even today just thinking about it. Of course there might be a little revenge pee involved, I can't be sure.

  3. You seem delightfully evil. Thank you for visiting me. Is there a way to follow your blog other than by email? I want to say I'm following the Klonopin.

    Janie Junebug, a.k.a. Lola

    1. Blogger really needs to leave stuff alone. I had not even realized they had removed the "follow" from the nav bar and I don't like using the list of follower widget. So I made my own button. If this mornings dose of Klonopin worked and my coding is correct then the button should work and let you follow this blog. So far it is working on my other blogs. I would be proud to have you follow the Klonopin!

  4. :-P The joys of young, stupid love. That cell phone bit did me in. And a boy being that corny made the story that much better.

    I'm glad I don't have little boys to whip their junk out on camera. What kinda husbands are you raising for my girls to pick from? Shame Shame Shame on you Shea. ;-)

  5. Dumpster Pisser! Boys have it so easy don't they. I remember my son coming in from the water at the beach, only to pull his trunks down and pee on the rocks right behind my friends and I.
    "You leave the sand to pee in the ocean! You don't leave the Ocean to pee in the sand!!" get it right kid. Thank god he was only 4!

    I am sure some tourist, somewhere, has it on film. Hopefully not a pedophile tourist! ;)