Monday, July 2, 2012

Shamu And The Football Hold

The pool is proving to be an endless source of amusement for me this summer and with the way my life has been going I will take any little bit of amusement I can grab on to. I would like to list these in order but since my brain is now mush from the past week I'll just list them in the order I remember them.

My upstairs balcony faces the pool, I have super sensitive hearing so can hear a lot of things others miss. At my last hearing test the doctor informed me I am hearing at a level that most humans don't hear at. So he was either telling me I am a fat cow or that I have very good hearing.

Yesterday, I can remember this one because it hasn't been longer than 24 hours, I am good on the memory for that length of time. Anyway, I am pretty sure I saw Shamu in the swimming pool, I could always be wrong of course, we all make mistakes, but I'm pretty sure. Unfortunately I couldn't grab my phone in time to take a picture of this miracle leap. I so wanted to send it to my daughter and tell her I was at Sea World watching the Shamu Show. The heat here has been between 105º and 110º here for days now. I have two lesbian's that live in the complex, well there is probably more but these two stand out because of their size and the fact that they have a 4 yr old son. I don't know them well but they seem to be a very loving family.  Now Lesbian #1 has blonde hair, blue eyes and is a dermatologist dream with that tan she has. She is sweet and actually has a very pretty face, but she weighs at least 250 lbs. Lesbian # 2 on the other hand looks a lot like Charlie Sheen and weighs at least 300 lbs, she has coal black hair and the palest skin I have ever seen, I mean it is Twilight Vampire white. Lesbian#2 always wears a one piece solid black bathing suit.  Yesterday, I was on my balcony minding my own business drinking my coffee mate and chewing taking my Klonopin to keep my homicidal rage under control when all at once come a clap of thunder, not a big one. It even took me a minute to realize what it was. At the exact time of the thunder Lesbian #2 was in the middle of the pool and had the 4yr old there by herself, he was calmly sitting on the side of the pool dangling his feet in the water. When she heard the thunder, and I can't for the life of me figure out how she did it, she didn't swim to the side or walk to the side she actually took a flying mid air leap to the side of the pool and made it in that one giant leap. It really was an amazing feat to watch. The pale skin, the black bathing  suit and that leap just instantly made Shamu pop into the memory bank in my brain. While I was still amazed her actually landing that leap, she grabbed the poor kid in a football hold and takes off running across the parking lot like the hounds of hell were after her. The kid not having a clue what was going on was sreaming his head off scared to death. I damn near fell out of my chair laughing.

Next comes another little boy swimming with his family, different day than the Shamu Exhibition. They have been in the pool for hours and the pool is full of people cancer bathing around the edges and swimming. Dad got tired and decided to get out for a bit so he climbed out, stood up and shook his long blonde hair, reminiscent of a gold retriever that has just come in from a swim in the lake. All at once, in his loudest voice the little boy yelled out "Daddy your dong-dong is hanging out of the leg of your shorts!"  Fully embarrassed Dad started the readjust and just as loudly as before the little boy yelled "Daddy will your whole dong-dong fit in there?" That could possibly be the only child I have ever liked.

Three college students came out to swim. It's so hot that even the chairs are scorching. They had a cooler and plastic cups with them. The blonde plops her ass immediately into a chair and just as quickly got up with a burned bum. Her solution, with the help of her two friends I might add, was to cool the chair off with water. A good and appropriate response to something hot. However, all three made me question just how much they are learning at university when they start looking around for something to dip in the water and pour on the chair. Now why not just dip the whole chair in the water for a second, it's all plastic and might weigh 3 lbs? Not these three, they found the lid to the cancer tan lotion and use that. One painful dip at a time. Did they forget they had brought all those plastic cups with them they could have used if they didn't want to just dip the whole chair in the water? I hope so, I really hope that not all three of them are that stupid. Then again it could be why they were all bff's.

Next we have a father and son duo. The son is at least 12 yrs old and apparently not bright. I'm not saying he is retarded or lacking in mental capacity in the legal sense. The whole time little dummy is asking questions, such as "I wonder how many square inches make up the perimeter of this pool?", "We really should go to the office and find out the ratio of carbon to salt in this water before we get in it.", "Dad do you know how many different metal components it takes to make a chain link fence like this one around the pool? Do you want me to name them for you?"  I think he has been so overly protected that he doesn't have a clue. It took Dad at least 20 minutes to "prepare" son for getting in the pool. First the little dummy took off his flip flops, and then starts bouncing back and forth from one foot to another yelling about his feet burning, the big dummy tells him to go dip them in the water. He did and in just a few seconds is again doing the foot bounce because the concrete is hot. It never occured to either one of them for the child to simply put the damn flip flops back on. Then Dad brought out the cancer screen lotion, as he should. The only problem was big dummy then proceeded to put it on little dummy. Now if I have a 12 yr old that can't put on his own cancer screen lotion then his butt is not going to the pool. Caner screen lotion is now applied but little dummy has another problem, the tie to his swim trunks has come undone, which undid him and he started to cry. Dad hugged him and told him not to worry they could be tied again and then ties them for little dummy. Now little dummy is thirsty, instead of telling him to get a drink out of the cooler Dad got it out for him, opened it and actually held the bottle while little dummy got a drink. Little dummy was finally greased up, swim trunk disaster averted, watered and ready to go swimming. Then big dummy went through the exact same procedure on himself that he had just subjected on little dummy. While he is trying to get the cancer screen to penetrate his abundant body hair little dummy kept asking the same type of questions as above and wandered close to the edge of the pool. Big dummy almost had a heart attack, dropped everything in his hands and went running to the edge of the pool to pull little dummy back from the edge. I think nothing of this because maybe the kid can't swim, but seriously doubted a 12 yr old was going to drown in the shallow end where if he stood up the water would have come to his mid chest. So finally they were both ready to swim. I was so wrong. Little dummy swims like a damn whale. He can jump, flip, stay under water longer than any hippo I have ever seen and swim from one end of the pool and back again twice before big dummy is even half way to the end of the pool once. That kid swam circles around anyone else in that pool. Then came lunch time. They got out of the pool and sit under one of the umbrella tables, big dummy gets some sandwiches out of the cooler and cut little dummy's up into four pieces before giving it to him. At least he let him feed himself.


  1. I'd say that 12 yr old boy lives a "sheltered" life! Poor kid!

    A while back you gifted me with the same award that Dirty Cowgirl passed along. Come see what I have done with this lovely award!

    1. That's because I am lazy, it was easier that way. LOL Klonopin does slow you down you know. Ok, at first I was wary but then disappointed that Cowgirl and I don't get the Wall of Shame award! Which means I will just have to send you the next useless award that comes around.

    2. You can take the award if you want, but technically this award is reserved for characters whom I have drawn. Your desire for such an award is worthy of the Wall of Shame. therefore, I award thee! lol

      Send me another useless award and I will just piss on it! lol

  2. Wow it sounds like a free comedy movie playing right outside your door!

  3. Oh my goodness Children!! I love it. I would have been laughing so hard.

    And college kids aren't all that brilliant - they just have a god-complex telling them they are. Your BFF comment made me smile.

    Delightful, and I need something delightful in my life right now.