Safety In Angels

Have you ever had that one person in your life that makes you feel safe? I certainly never had it growing up. My mother tried to the best of her ability, but she sees the world in black and white and being strict sometimes would override anything else.  My father tried to the best of his ability but alcohol was his first love. Unfortunately both fell short in their abilities because they always let the outside world in first.  My father was a binge drinker and the reason that I hate alcohol to this day. We never knew when he was just not going to show up from work one Friday and not come back for 2-3 day. My mother felt it her "obligation" to hunt him down, not to bring him home, just to know where he was. I can remember many, many nights being pulled from a warm bed and placed in the back seat of the car with a blanket and a pillow while she drove around three different cities for hours checking out all the bar parking lots looking for his truck. I never knew when it was safe to bring a friend to spend the night because I didn't want them to have to be subjected to her midnight hunts. Between binges my parents never fought, at least with each other, but they were always "on the outs", as they called it, with one family member or another. Sometimes several at a time as taking sides seems to be mandatory in my family. A game I always, and still do, refuse to play. So cousins that you saw daily and became close to would one day disappear from your life and it would be months until you got to see them again. Then the feud would swap and it would be different members of the family fighting and taking sides. To this day my mother is so fond of saying "Well we certainly never kept you away from your aunt/uncle/cousins just because we weren't getting along, you were always welcome to see them." Really Mom? So if I had ask to borrow the car at 8 yrs old you would have said "Of course dear, just be home by dinner."  Somehow I don't think that would have been your response, so how the hell did you think we were all going to see each other, we were only children?

My father owned a company and was a building contractor for high end homes. We always lived in the "show house", people were not allowed to come inside but could see from the outside the type of house the company built, but that show home was always meant to be sold at some point when they built another one, which meant we moved about every 2 yrs, sometimes sooner. When I got old enough to unpack my own room I never even bothered to unpack it all, I was just going to have to pack it up again. One of big dreams has always been to someday buy my own house so I would never have to move again. Then I married a military man which gave me 20 more years of packing, moving, unpacking and losing friends. But I still held on to that dream.

Then we retired from the military and finally bought that house. The day those keys were handed to me in May I felt such a relief, finally I would be able to stay in one place. My husband made excellent money as a civil engineer so there was nothing to worry about money wise either. I could finally breath after all the years of ups and downs and moving from place to place. That lasted a month. In June my husband decided he wanted to be a teenager again and while I was good enough to live through the hard times I wasn't good enough to share the easy times with him. He sold my house and walked out the door. So we got an apartment and yet again moved. When I came to the realization I didn't really miss him, I actually liked it without him I decided to buy a house. That is when I discovered he had totally ruined my credit. I was shocked, I had always paid my bills on time, that is something that has always been important to me. I couldn't even get a credit card in my name. So I spent the next several years cleaning up his mess. Now I have insufficient credit, no credit at all, which is just as bad. I don't understand how they expect you to build it back up if they won't give it to you in the first place? Anyway, I ask my mother to co-sign so I would have a card for emergencies and could buy something on it to pay off and build back my credit. Her response was "How do I know that going on a vacation would not be an emergency for you?" I think her first clue should have been the fact that I had not been on a vacation since 1977, but I guess not. She wouldn't do it. My father would have but he is now deceased. So I never did get that card to build my credit up and the dream of one day owning a home is gone forever.

Then my illness got worse forcing me to stop working and making  me totally dependent on my alimony check. It pays the bills and buys food but there is nothing left over. If I file for disability I lose my alimony which is more than my disability would be.  My sons rarely get to go to a movie with their friends or anywhere else that costs money, clothing and shoes for them is a struggle. We need a new living room suit, my sons need new beds but we have adjusted and learned to do without a lot. Someone ask me the other day where I bought my last pair of shoes from, I have not bought a new pair of shoes for myself since 2001 so I couldn't even remember. If anything extra comes up we are in trouble. Never a feeling of being safe.

My sons sperm donar has nothing to do with them, if they ask him for $30 to do something with their friends, take a girl on a date or buy a new pair of shoes they are always told he doesn't have it and turns them down. Yet the next day will post pictures of himself and his girlfriend on a cruise ship in the Bahama's. This year alone he has been on 2 ski trips, 3 cruises, 1 trip to Key West and a trip to Disney Land. Does he not think how this makes them feel? How much it hurts them? Why can't he ask them to go on a vacation with him knowing I can't give them one? None of this even crosses his mind but it breaks my boys hearts and then mine breaks for them. It is hard and it's depressing to feel so alone and that no one cares. I said that to my mother one time and her answer to me was "Well, what do you expect me to do, you should have picked better when you picked a husband. You shouldn't have got sick and then you wouldn't have to live and do without." Wow, Mom never thought of that, but your right I should never have gotten sick with an incurable disease, it wasn't fair to any of us, but it isn't exactly like I can hand it back to them and say "Uh, excuse me, but I don't want this anymore so I am giving it back."

Then someone came into my life due to a catastrophic illness my pug has. She cares. Just talking on the phone with her makes me feel better and she makes me laugh. She has not only saved my dog's life but has helped me in many other ways, some of which she isn't even aware of. To me she is perfect. She has been blessed with something I have never experienced before. A big heart with no strings attached. A loving, caring nature for everyone and everything. The wisdom to say just the right thing to make me feel better about myself. The ability to never judge. She is an Angel and one that God molded perfectly. I can't help but make the comparison that with this big, cold, distant family I have, that this one woman whom I have yet to meet face to face is the one that shows us what love and caring is really about. She makes me feel safe.

I love you Jac, and thank you for being their for us, for me.

Oh and Lola wants Stan Milhous to know that his eyes make her swoon.