Saturday, September 15, 2012

What If There Is A 2nd Craig's List Killer?

I have never used Craig's list in my life until this week when I decided it was the best place to list a new cell phone I have. I bought the phone and a week later changed carriers. Upon hearing my plans to list the phone Demon Seed had a come apart, his worry? The Craig's List Killer. When I informed him the guy was already in custody his response was "Mom, you have heard about copy cat killers, right? What if there is a 2nd Craig's List killer?" I informed him as gently as I could that the guy would come in here take one look at me in my flannel pajama bottoms with the giant penises on them, see Frick and Frack standing there armed with baseball bats and a huge wrench, be bombarded with sloppy pug kisses and have his ankle ripped out by a chihuahua and decide not only does he not want the phone but he better get the hell out of here before WE kill HIM. I felt safe, he did buy the phone but for some strange reason ask if we could step outside so he could pay me. Guess he didn't feel as safe as I did. I'm sure it didn't help any when I answered the door looking like Cruella DeVille either:

Cruella DeVille, just sorry the penis pants didn't show in the picture.

I doubt this helped either.....The only domesticated Chupacabra known to man

She just wanted a little love...her way

Now why would he associate red eyes as being demonic? Comment #2: If you feel the need to wear those stupid baseball caps guys at least fix your ears so they don't look deformed!

Based on the above evidence I see no reason whatsoever that anyone should fear coming into my house!

I almost forgot the best part of my week. I broke my glasses, well at least the glasses showed up broken, laying peacefully on the coffee table as if they broke themselves. Based on the above character's I am sure one of them murdered my glasses and are in major cover-up mode. So I call the Opthomologist's  office I bought them at because I have only had them for a year and my paperwork says they have a three year warranty for repair and if they can't be repaired they will be replaced against any accident, breakage, scratching or prescription change from the dr. I get this huge run around that they don't have that special anymore. I informed her I didn't care because they did have it when I got mine and it's on my sales receipt. So they hemmed and hawed and took it to the grand jury and decided they were not going to honor it. Pissed barely even covers my temper tantrum. I do almost feel bad that I told the receptionist that she looks like a toad, but she does so that eases my guilt. So then she informs me that my insurance is clear to do my exam and lens now but the frames won't be covered until February and did I want to go ahead and get my lens now? WTF? Am I suppose to walk around holding the lens up against my eyes with my hands until February? So then I come home and make a few calls and find out I can buy better glasses outright without using my insurance. With my insurance one pair is going to be $381 dollars for two lined bifocals, no coatings.  Without my insurance I can can two pair of progressive lens with three no line bifocals, scratch resistant coating and glare coating for $200 at four different doctors. So why the hell have I even been using the stupid insurance? Oh yeah, because my eye doctor never bothered to tell me that little fact. So I won't use the insurance or that doctor but still have to wait to save up the money to get them. In the meantime this blog will be WYSIWYG because even if I see the flashing red line to tell me I spelled something wrong I still can't see what the correct spelling is in the little drop down box.

Now I find myself with another small problem. My cousin died this past week and it may be because I have spent hours and hours on the phone with family but my accent has suffered for it. I have been finding myself slipping back and saying things my children have no clue what I am talking about, phrases they don't understand, words they don't understand. So I think the only way to correct this is to find a redneck park somewhere and go hang out with them for a while. I realize this will probably involve some type of mud sport, duct tape, bobbing for hog's feet, beer and coon hounds, all a scary thought for me but it may just have to be done. I am getting rather tired of hearing "Mom, what did you just say, what does that mean?" Dammit, a loo is a loo, how hard is that to understand!? Please, I beg you to learn it, I don't want to spend a day with the rednecks, they frighten me! Then there is always the chance it will stick too much and I will come out like Honey Boo Boo's family. If that happens I want all of you to hire a hit man and just take me down. Jay this should be easy for you being on the swat team.

I am so glad this heat is almost over, pretty girl's melt in the heat. Which is exactly why I have been rock solid safe all summer but I do still look forward to cold weather. However, I do have two daughters that I may never see again outside of the blob form as both are very pretty. Can blob girls still walk?

My daughter just called and wants us to go to her house(first time she has had a place big enough to invite us, she usually comes here, dorm rooms aren't very conducive to family reunions) in Nashville for Christmas, I can't tell you how many years it has been since I have spent Christmas at someone else's house, at least 26 yrs. I am so excited but now have to figure out if I can swing it financially. I may have to sell either the Demon Seed or The Devil's Advocate. I love them most days but a stress free Christmas for the first time in forever is very tempting. Her fiance is an attorney so maybe he can keep me out of jail if I get caught selling one of them. She is the one most like me, unfiltered and up for anything, I really need some time with her. Plus we would have one whole day and half the night just the two of us. His family is very well off and own a private box at some ball arena complete with catering services. They fly there and they fly back. They want to take the boys(actually they ask all of us but my daughter and I saw a perfect way to be alone so we begged off) and of course her fiance would be there with them giving me and But She's Pretty child a whole day alone to laugh at each other and see who can pull off the stupidest stunt in public for shock value and the boys a trip they will never get another chance to have. Somehow I have to figure this out!

We planned our Thanksgiving menu the other day. But She's Pretty child and I did the planning. We don't mean to leave her sister out of the planning but we have discovered over the years it is a necessary evil we have to do. Fantasy Barbie's entire cooking revolves around chicken, potato salad and pasta, you move an inch out of that field and she is lost. So we gave her paper plates and cups, tea, rolls, potato salad and green bean casserole (even my dogs couldn't screw that mess up). But She's Pretty child is a good cook so the two of us will handle the rest. We tried giving Fantasy Barbie the turkey one year, unfortunately she thought they were pre-cooked and all she had to do was stick it under the broiler for a bit and brown it. It looked beautiful until we tried to slice it and all the blood ran out and of course we found the giblets, gizzard, liver and heart still snuggled inside the turkey in it's little paper bag because she had no idea they even existed. The next year we gave her the ham, it IS pre-cooked and only needs heating, but to keep from making the same mistake twice she cooked the ham for 6 hours, charring it. So we give her simple things now.


  1. Been more than one Craig's list killer already over the years. You wouldn't believe how many cases involving that site show up at my bosses desk at work. Not all killers but frauds, assaults, rapes, robbery, so on. Its crazy. I'd def stay away from that site when all possible but I'm glad you are all still alive and that you scared the dude off basically :)

    I'll take $10k a pre-arranged costume and dinner for payment to take you out if so needed LOL.

    The barbie girl sounds like my cousin. She tried to cook a turkey in the microwave once. Another time she didn't bother to thaw it and expected it to cook somehow in a proper amount of time. I'm grateful my mom and dad taught me to cook, from a pretty young age. So I make good food :)

    1. What the Cruella thing and the penis pajamas not a turn on? I don't get it.

  2. Hey Hey pretty lady glad you got a free pass with the craig list killer, I think it is great to get things in line a head of time for the holidays and doing something different in 26 yrs can just be the best thing for you all go for it!!! Thanks for you I love when you stop by :]