One of my biggest fears came true yesterday, a visit from a certain family member from afar. First I want to go on record as saying this woman has no business leaving her little cottage near the edge of the woods let alone traveling anywhere past her mailbox at the end of her lane. She is a full blown Paranoid Schizophrenic with Anti Social Personality Disorder who refuses hospitalization of even treatment. As for committing her the family members that would be responsible for taking care of that have the attitude "Well she hasn't physically harmed anyone yet....." They are right but it's that "yet" part that doesn't give me a lot of comfort, the woman is bat shit crazy. So she is passing through and decides to drop in and visit me. Who the fuck is "just passing through" from England? This is a small account of our lovely visit.
I am sick again with bronchitis and doing everything in my power to keep it from turning into pneumonia again. A lot of bed/couch time and medicine. Hair and makeup have not been high on my priority list, it is questionable if my hair had even been brushed in three days, codiene combined with Klonopin will do that to you. My doorbell rings and there she stood. After I shit myself over the shock I realized that for the first time in my life, or probably anyone else's, she actually looked better than I did. I decided that kicking her down the stairs and running to hide under my bed might be construed by some as being rude so I let her in.
First thing she yells is that my house is on fire and we have to get out. It took me a minute to realize it was the fireplace so I turned it off. That satisfied her and she sat down to catch me up on her life since we last talked on the phone about three months ago. In the last three months:
She has been having a severe problem with some very wiley domesticated dogs that have been getting on the roof of her neighbors houses and walking around at night, but they know just when she calls the police and always manage to be gone by the time police arrive.
She had to make a police report for theft more thian once. The first time someone broke in her house in the middle of the night and stole her pink sponge hair rollers. The second time someone stole four shingles from the roof of her shed (the shingles fell off that shed many years ago and it was a hell of a lot more than four missing). The third time someone broke in and stole her favorite green tablecloth, you know the one with the pretty lace around the edges? The fourth time was a double hit and someone stole all her tupperware lids and rubberbands, but she has a suspect in that theft, she is certain it is her son-in-law.
Someone came into her house and forced her to let them shave her eyebrows.
While she was in the market someone moved her car to a different parking place several rows away and she was so upset with the police for not dusting for fingerprints when she called to report it. At this point I couldn't hold it in any longer and ask if the neighbors dogs could have done it out of revenge for her calling the police on them for walking on the rooftops every night? She agreed it was a possibility.
About this time Demon Seed walks down the hall and announces he is going to go play basketball (I learned a long time ago this is code for "go trolling for girls") and would be back in about 2 to 3 hours. Aunt Cindy LooTu has to hug, kiss and tell him how handsome he is and he is doing his best to politely squirm out of the wrestlers hold she has on him. He manages to break free and damn near runs out the door with me yelling at him "It rubs off on you, now your damned to live a mortal existence!" About 5 minutes later the Devil's Advocate walks in the front door and she looks at me and says "Oh my has it been 3 hours already?" God help me but I told her yes. She ask him if he had enjoyed his basketball game, he of course, had no idea what she was talking about and mumbled something unintelligible and went on to his room. She, of all people, then asks me if he was "ok in the head" because he seemed to have no memory of playing basketball. I don't think she realized the whole time she was here that they were not the same person.
I'm thinking things were going pretty good considering I had Sybil as my guest when she suddenly freaked out claiming the government was taking pictures of her. The culprit turned out to be my automatic air freshener that goes off every 15 minutes. She left in a hurry.
Wait...is this relative of yours wandering a foreign country by herself with severe mental illness? Is she able to keep herself fed and warm and safe?
ReplyDeleteShaved her eyebrows. Huh.
That is the problem, as long as she can take care of herself and her home, pay all her bills alone, has steady income (and trust me she isn't hurting for money) and cook for herself nothing can be done and she is free to roam as she pleases.
DeleteYes, she told the police someone came into her home during the night and shaved her eyebrows, they weren't really shaved she just thought they were.
You also have to remember this isn't exactly a foreign country to her, she lived her for many years and since at least half the family is here now she comes for regular visits.
DeleteWow.. I think your Aunt and my mother are the same person. The other night, in the middle of a snow storm the sheriff went to my mom's house at 4am to get to "two women" - her friends - off of the couch.. My mom said they wouldn't leave.. Poor cop had to walk waist deep in snow.. Fortunately my mom lives on my sister's property and my sis was able to get it under control. Dementia at it's finest.. Whether your post was supposed to or not, it made me giggle.. :)
ReplyDeleteTotally meant as humor, if I can make fun of my own kids do you really think I would stop at a mentally ill relative? LOL I learned a long time ago that humor is the best way to deal with her, otherwise you would go crazy yourself trying to deal with her. I also learned not to argue with her by telling her that whatever she is seeing, thinking or feeling at the time isn't real, it is real to her and only makes her turn it all on you, so I just agree with her, tell her how horrible it is that the police do nothing, etc. Unfortunately the rest of the family haven't learned that trick yet and all have been accused at one time or another of something. I have yet to be on her "bad side" and intend to keep it that way. I love the couch story, with my aunt it is usually some type of animal or thief that has already come and gone but she wants them out there to take a report. I just always imagine the police's face when she reports it was rubber bands, paper clips, tupperware lids, her panty hose, etc. that was stolen. Her most expensive theft reported to date was that someone stole the fence around her property, her property has never been fenced. I think at this point in that small lazy town she lives in the police view her much the same way I do, something to break the monotony of the night and have a good laugh about later.
DeleteNow usually, it's just drinking beverages that I have to avoid doing reading your posts But now we can also add, 'don't read Shea's blog whilst heavily menstruating,' because we all know what happens when we laugh, cough or sneeze, whilst pumping out a gallon of the red stuff from out of our vajayjays.
ReplyDeleteSo in conclusion and after reading this tale, you owe me the sum of one cotton bed sheet...thank you. xx
I already owe you for so many damaged things, what's one more?
DeleteThat same guy moves my car all the time too.
ReplyDeleteSomebody needs to catch him and put him away somewhere! I know it's not me, well that one time I was getting in the wrong car might have been my fault since The Devil's Advocate pointed out it wasn't even the same color as mine. I could have been on a heavy dose of Klonopin that day too since I had to go to Walmart dressed in actual clothing with two 18 yr olds that think they are hot shit because every girl that walks by tells them how cute they are and hands out a phone number. However I never miss a chance to tell the little sluts that they use to pick their noses a lot when they were little and I'm pretty sure I saw them eat them a few times and then mention something about how old habits die hard.
DeleteYou were almost a millionaire and then disappeared.
ReplyDeleteI didn't disappear, I am having a second round of this pneumonia and haven't been online much. I am still here in all my glory with my demon spawn children and clingy dogs.
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