What Do You Do When The Keeper Of Your Secrets Is Gone?

In early September we got the devastating news that my brother had cancer and was told that there wasn't really anything they could do, it was already stage IV, he would live another 6-12 months. We ended up only having 2 weeks with him. While I am not glad that he had cancer or that he died I am forever grateful that he did not suffer and went fast.

But just what do I do now that the keeper of all my secrets is gone? Who do I tell them too? Who makes fun of the rest of the family with me? Who protects me now and tells me everything will be alright? Just where the fuck is Howdy Doody?

He was my oldest brother, I could tell him anything and know it never went anywhere but from my mouth to his ear. He could do the same with me. Yes, he was like any brother growing up, tortured me. But he was also the one that paid the biggest amount in blackmail money when I caught him doing something that was going to get him in trouble if I told. He bluffed me once. I told. He never bluffed again and I upped the ante after that.

Even through wives, husbands and children we never grew apart and he could make me laugh like no other person on earth. He's gone now, and I have to live with that. I still talk to him everyday and in small ways he lets me know he is there and he hears me.

What I can't live with is where in the hell is Howdy Doody?! Howdy Doody was an old children's television show we loved, a little before our time but we loved the re-runs. One year for Christmas my brother got the coveted Howdy Doody Deluxe puppet on strings. I always wanted to play with it and he would always say "When I die, you can have it" in his most serious 9 yr old voice. When the excitement of Howdy Doody wore off, being a collector's item he was packaged and put away many years ago and has always been a running joke between us. The day before he died he told me he guessed I would get Howdy Doody finally and we laughed. The only thing of my brother's that I wanted was Howdy Doody. The problem is we have searched high and low for that puppet and he is no where to be found. My mother doesn't lose things, she knows exactly where everything is at all times. Her motto is "Everything has a place and everything should be in it's place." That is except Howdy Doody. He isn't in his "place", he was there last year when she tidied up everything's places but he is gone now. I just know my brother has found a way to take Howdy Doody with him and is up in heaven laughing at the search going on. OK, so I don't really know that but I do know I prefer to think that than to think that Howdy Doody is lost forever.

Goodbye sweet brother, I will miss and love you forever! By the way if you do have Howdy Doody with you be prepared to pay big time when I see you next!