Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I Gave Up Walmart For This?

I wanted to go to the hell hole, also known as Walmart, this morning but decided against it. We have "snow flurry" warnings. In the south that is equal to having a prediction of a guaranteed 3 feet of snow in the north. It becomes a life and death situation here. These people go crazy and make mad runs to the store to get their bread and milk. I have been in the south for many years now and to this day I have not figured out just what they intend to do with that bread and milk in the event of a major snow flurry storm. If you ask them they look at you blankly and say:  "Well, I don't know, but my Mamma always did it". So if the phone lines go down in that same major snow flurry storm or "Mamma" has passed to the hereafter and they can't call "Mamma" to find out what to do with the shit they will most likely starve to death.

I do regret missing the opportunity to see the intelligent door greeters that our local Walmart employs. I particularly like the one that asks to see my receipt and then asks me if I can read it to him, he provides me entertainment and I do wonder how long it will be before he realizes that Walmart doesn't really sell the exotic sex toys, 5 gallon boxes of Vodka, luxury cars, Louboutin's, cocaine and 2 story houses that I read off to him. I also have a fondness for the old man in the wheelchair who has left permanent wheel imprints on the toes of my Uggs.

In the interest of saving my life from the snow obsessed southerners I also gave up my trip to the nail salon. It makes me feel so much better when I pick chocolates out of the box while watching tv with my nails done. It also makes it easier to dig forbidden items out of a pugs mouth. Anyway, I have nothing against the Chinese, I mean really they do better nails than anyone. Something just makes me cringe when I think of getting my nails done by Bobbie Sue at "Billie Jo's House of Nails", I like camouflage, really I do, it rocks in pink, but I don't want my nails done in "Deer Hunter's Passion". So I stick with the Chinese, even if I can't understand a damn thing they say to me. Why does their English sound the same as it does when they speak in their native tongue? I always tuck my head and get out of there as fast as I can when finished because I am never sure if I have agreed to give up custody of son or buy the salon. All I am sure of is they are all standing there, lined up at the door and smiling crazily at me. It makes me suspicious.

So my day has consisted of cleaning up after a pug with glittery diarrhea, doing laundry so CPS won't swoop in and take my son because I have sent him outside in this major snow flurry storm in boxer shorts, cooking dinner for the same reason mentioned above, laughing hysterically because my neighbor called and ask if I could pick her up some milk and bread if I went to the store, looking for the fuzzy house slipper that Lola has made of with, being grateful I don't have a husband anymore so that I don't have to put on make up and pretend to have an interest in his day when all I can really think of is "Can I reach for the butcher knife without him noticing?" and preparing the couch for the evenings television viewing. What? You thought you just plopped your ass down and started watching? No M'am, it's an art form and takes many years to perfect.

I can't believe I gave up Walmart for this!


  1. A few years ago I worked part-time at the grocery store in the small town where I live and it always cracked me up every time the weatherman said snow (could be flurries or inches) the store would sell out of bread and milk. Okay ... maybe I'm stupid but if I'm going to get snowed-in for a few hours or maybe even a whole day ... I want something besides bread and milk! GIMME SOME CHOCOLATE!!!

    And I hear you about getting your nails done. I don't do it very often because I always get the feeling they are talking about me and/or laughing at me! They probably think we're all idiots! LOL!!!


  2. Exactly Ellen! Here we never get inches, just flurries, at the most a dusting. The whole place comes to a stand still, the weather man has dire predictions of death and destruction, schools close before the flurries even start, etc. I am from the north, we knew our butts were going to school unless there was already 2 ft on the ground and it was still coming down. Would a hand held can opener, a few cans of soup, some vienna sausages and crackers and lunch meat to go with that bread not make more sense? Chocolate is just a given.