Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Real Story

 Posted, through tears of laughter, for a friend:

A few months ago, I.sat innocently perusing Facebook for mindless entertainment when I happen accross a post from a member of my family, specifically my whore cousin who I haven't had any meaningful contact with in well over two decades.

We all have those relatives that if given the choice between claiming them or receiving an enema in Walmart on date your cousin day, you'll take the enema everytime. Yeah, THIS RELATIVE.

She has several children by several baby daddies, her first son spent an insane amount of his formative years with his grandma while my cousin continued her whorish streak, got knocked up some more,etc.

This kid is now eighteen and has assumed a false ghetto gangsta persona. I wouldn't be shocked if he "tattooed" thugs life on his stomach with a washable crayola for extra street cred.

I read the Facebook status that he was stabbed at a house party. While my humiliation of any biological link exists, I'm not a complete asshole, I'm concerned.

Shortly thereafter, the stabbing victim posts on his own behalf. Not only is he a victim of a traumatic stabbing,he is fluent in bad grammar and ebonics. Winning. I'm paraphrasing here but it was something similar to "these mutha effas can't keep me down. I got stabbed yo. For reals, I'm gangsta I'm gansta," that's pretty accurate-ish.

His posts continue,along with his butchering of the English language and his impending rise to thuggish fame. He reveled in his new found glory UNTIL it was in the local three page paper. This almost two paragraph media blitz allowed us the knowledge that he was "injured" with a kitchen utencil, to be fair, the article did say stabbing in the title.

He takes this two paragraph makes him feel invincible, like fiddy cent has a rival on idiotic wounds from "da gang life". Apparently, he has had some hard times, requiring him to "hustle" to make those ends. I personally didn't know what the Hell that meant until I looked it up on urban dictionary and it translates to paying the bills. Um, he has no bills, I digress.

My Aunt, who is equally ashamed of this tomfoolery informs me that this gangsta event was quite different from the version painted on facebook. You ready?????

Mini gansta and his aspiring gangsta cronies "hit da chronic"(got high) and got the mad munchies and ran for the border for some chalupas and whatnot and upon arriving at the party shack, got into an arguement which resulted in one.PULLING A SPORK and jabbing him with it. A taco bell spork. A spoon / fork hybrid. S P O R K. *thud*

Upon hearing this piece of info, I felt compelled to inbox him and ask how he is.doing.....don't hate, its Jesus would freakin do and ya know, I was curious. From what I could decipher in my limited knowledge of ebonics, his "wound" is healed but the mental scars have fueled his desire to rap. Lord.

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