Tuesday, December 27, 2011

My List

As I have gone through life I have amassed a rather large list of "things that annoy me" and find daily that the very small list of "things I like" is slowly getting smaller as I have to move things over to the "things that annoy me" list. Then there is the ever present debate raging in my head of should I actually write this list down, memorialize forever the "things that annoy me". There are pros and cons. I don't want to wake up with Alzheimer's someday and not remember my list. The very thought of finding myself leaning over some very ugly baby saying "Oh my that is a beautiful baby!" makes me ill. I don't ever want to live with a mind and mouth that has a usable filter. You know all the little notes at the nursing homes that are put up to remind those now running on only a half a tank of fuel what day and time it is?  Since I don't give a fuck what day and time it is now I can't imagine that I will suddenly want to know when my fuel tank gets low either. I want my notes to have important things on them, things that will really help me get through my remaining days. Things like "Your ex husband is a dick head in the first degree. You decided years ago to make his life a living hell" or "All small children are feral" or "Always open your mouth and blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind". So I have decided to write this list down for reference, just in case. So in no particular order here we go.

1.    People who tell me I have an accent-Do they really think I don't have that first brain cell of my own and don't realize that I might sound different in this foreign land known as the south? This was made glaringly obvious during a conversation with my ex shortly after coming here. I don't need the winner of the "Miss Hogpens Forty" beauty pageant pointing this out to me.

One day the louse walks in with an emergency roadside kit in his hand and asks what I want him to do with it. After getting over the shock that he was serious and thought there might be another use for it, totally making that "roadside" in it's name unnecessary, this was the conversation:

Me: Just put it in the boot.
Louse: Ok.
(He leaves only to quickly return and announce)
Louse: It doesn't fit.
Me: What do you mean it doesn't fit? Just put it inside the boot in the car.
Louse: We don't have any boots in the car.
Me: Trust me, our car has a boot, it's a four door sedan for God's sake, not a sports car.
(Again he leaves and now I am seriously questioning my decision to marry this imbecile in the first place. As it turned out years later I was right. He returns.)
Louse: Look, I have looked all over that car and there aren't any boots in it, only a pair of sandals you left in it from the beach the other day. Even if I could find a pair this damn kit wouldn't fit in them!
(Now don't get me wrong, once I figured out what the miscommunication stemmed from I calmly explained to him what a "boot" was in my world. What bothered me was the fact that he went looking for footwear to stash a roadside kit in, where was his common sense?)

2.    Children-Even the good ones get on my nerves. While I own the fact that mine might have been worse than your average run of the mill kid and might even display some psychotic tendencies, I also own the fact that, in my perfect world, all children would live on their own fenced island far away from me until they become legal drinking aged adults. A place similar to the leper colonies would suffice. If the island becomes over populated I could tolerate letting the teenagers out, at least their attempt to lie for absolutely no reason other than they opened their mouth to speak amuses and amazes me. Am I really suppose to believe that a 17yr old boy and his girlfriend are behind a locked bedroom door only watching television? Am I really suppose to believe that someone broke into my house while we were sleeping and the dogs didn't bark? They then walked past two laptops, two Android phones, a 2 carat diamond ring laying on the kitchen island and then proceeded down the hall to my bedroom, came quietly in and stole $2.00 out of my purse? Must be the same thief that comes and steals the gas from my car all the time. When I catch him there will be a beheading.

3.  Stupid-any kind of stupid, it's no secret that I don't suffer fools gladly. Or quietly. How could you not get irritated with the neighbor who woke you up one morning at 4am because her car wouldn't start and she wants to know if you can give her a jump, only to discover when you go out in freezing temps that the reason her car wouldn't start was because she didn't put the key in the ignition? How could you not be irritated with the mail lady for telling you that if you will leave the window down in your car when it's raining she could leave your package in there so it won't get wet? Bitch are you serious?! It is important that the interior of my car stay dry so the gas thief doesn't get his delicate ass wet when going to pick up his virgin girlfriend.

4.   People who complain about dog hair in my house-They live here, you don't, they are obviously smarter than you because they have figured out a way to live rent free with utilities paid and you're wanting to bunk on my couch tonight because your power has been turned off for non-payment. Be grateful I don't make you sleep in one of their unused doggy beds. What? You expect me to feed you too? In all this flying dog hair, are you out of your mind?!  Maybe you should go to McDonald's, I'm pretty sure my son has $2.00 he could loan you and they do have a dollar menu.

5.   Weather or political coverage that takes over my television-Do they not know how important it is for me to see Judge Judy everyday? Would Rainman easily tolerate that kind of disturbance to routine? I don't either. There is nothing that brightens up my day more than Judge Judy reaming some guy a new asshole or telling some air headed bimbo that "there is something seriously wrong with you". Judge Judy, my hero, that woman so eloquently puts into words my thoughts.

6.   Pageant Moms-Because doesn't everyone want their three year old toddler to look like a cracked out Dolly Parton who uses Tammy Faye Bakker's make up artist? I use the term "artist" lightly here. The boys vying for that princess crown bother me even more.  I can't imagine one of my sons getting up on stage in front of an audience in white glitter tights and doing the hula hoop for "talent". Even at three years old they could recognize that wasn't going to be a look that would remotely work for them. But it's all right to parade them around like trollops because all their winnings are going into their college fund. Obviously a place Mom and Dad are strangers too considering they can't see that the $20,000 they put out for their child to win $500 would have gone a lot farther in the ole college fund. Here sweetie, have another pixie stick.  Who in their right mind deliberately hypes up small children?

7.   Extreme Moms-of any kind. Is it really necessary that your 7 yr old child play on the basketball, football, baseball, soccer and hockey teams between Boy Scout meetings, year round? Oh look, you brought a grill to the field and your grilling Filet Mignon for the team to celebrate this important life changing win! I have a family member with this mentality. He thinks his 10 year old daughter is destined for greatness as a star athlete. He spends literally thousands of dollars every year to, in his own words, further her career. They travel every weekend to out of town sports events, some far enough away that a motel is needed for a night or two. He worries endlessly about scouts (Just why and who scouts 10 yr olds anyway? This just seems more than a little creepy to me) coming to the games to see her play. This poor child never gets to just play and be a 10yr old. All playtime and all gifts must be structured and sport related. She has to get up at 4:30am every morning to "train" for 2 hours before school and training for another 3 hours after school is mandatory. Between all that she has to somehow squeeze in some time at The Sylvan Learning Center, costing another couple thousand dollars, because she is failing in school. They are totally blind to the fact that she is failing because she doesn't have time to do school work. Now I tolerate love this child but they can not look at her and possibly see any resemblance to future greatness on the basketball court. She passed chubby years ago and moved straight into the obese category. She is a good 4 inches shorter than the next shortest child in her class. The poor child can't walk across the room without tripping over her own feet, possibly due to her disproportionate body. At least they did recognize putting her in beauty pageants wasn't a wise move.

8.   Posed family portraits-just why? When you look back at those pictures years from now are they going to look natural to you? How many times do you get together with family and all at once someone yells "Pose!" and everyone one runs to get into the family portrait pose just for the hell of it? I prefer to remember the time my cousin was laughing so hard he peed in his pants at a family outing when he was 14, and contrary to what my mother says I was NOT down on my knees and laughing louder than the other kids. But do we have that golden moment on film? Of course not. I want to remember when my fat great uncle sat down in the lawn chair at a family picnic and totally annihilated that lawn chair promptly getting the frame stuck to his ass and rolling around like a beached whale trying to get up. Now those make memories worth recording!

9.   Facebook posts written "with style"-iF It iS wrItTeN LiKe tHIs i aM nOt GOinG tO BoThER rEadIng iT! If your the whitest kid in school,weigh a whopping 96 pounds and talking gangsta you have to know it makes you look like an idiot. I confess to reading some of those because they make me laugh. A couple weeks ago someone on my list posted "Yo, imma get yur ass! imma tird of yur shit dog. yur running(I think this was suppose to ruining)mah street cred. We gunna get it after schol tday, yur gunna b my nigga now!" Please keep in mind this poster is a female, in a wheelchair and lives with her parents in a million dollar home. The closest she has ever been to a rough neighborhood was watching it on television.

10. Strangers that tell me their life story while in line at the grocery-I just want to get my shit and get out of there. I hate shopping more than just about anything and listening to someone tell me how hard it is to make ends meet now that Bill has run off with the neighbor lady leaving her to raise their 7 kids alone during the holiday season, especially since little Joy Ellen has all those developmental delays. Poor Billy Jr's seeing eye dog ran away last week and she can't get him another one because they are accusing her of neglecting it and that is just a bare faced lie because she fed and watered that dog twice a week! But it's all good because when the welfare lady comes back to the house to check on the kids again she is going to give her a piece of her mind cause "ain't nobody should have to live with people watchin everything they do like that."

I am beginning to realize just how big of a project writing my list down is going to be. I am going to have to do it over the next several years which means it will never get done because I find someone or something everyday that is deserving of space on my list. So as to not bore you my dear readers I will stop the list here for today.


  1. Damnit! I enjoyed that so much, I didn't even realise it ended at number 9. More!

    Oh and Judge Judy kicks arse!

    1. Judge Judy is my hero, I want to grow up to be just like her.

  2. I can't express to you how much I enjoyed this!! Keep them coming.