My doctor in all his infinite wisdom started me on a new medication this week that has turned me into a raving lunatic. If I am not crying about all the wrongs done to me since my days in the womb then I am ready to eat my children. I am pretty sure I could pull off the insanity defense. In all honesty I could probably pull that off without medication but somehow it just makes you feel better to have something to blame it on.
I have sunk to a new low this week. I have this "friend", I have known for more years than we need to discuss here, who thinks I am wonderful and would make the best wife material. It could be the fact that his standards aren't that high considering his last wife of three weeks was arrested for embezzeling $80,000.00 from a company she worked at before meeting him and is now spending her days as some dyke's new girlfriend. I tried to tell him before he married her that you just can't know someone very well that you met at a Braves game and married a week later. Did I mention he has "fool" written all over him in bright red marker? My "fool" however is written in a very pretty shade of muted pink. Anyway, I caved, let him spend the night. Of course I did make him feed me first, I'm a lunatic not an idiot. Yes dear friends, I sold out for a steak. When he wanted to stay again the next night I did offer to throw the steak up just to make things even again. I guess even I have to blow the cobwebs out from time to time.
I do have a word of advice, never, ever shave places that were not meant to be shaved while taking Klonopin followed up by slathering yourself in Bath and Body Works grapefruit body butter, no matter how good that shit smells. You slip, you slide and I don't think the satin sheets helped me any. Clutching onto the sheets at the bottom of the bed to keep from falling into the floor while dozing off does not say "Come on Big Boy, I'm ready for more"!
So today we have severe weather and he calls wanting to know if I want him to come and stay with me to keep me from being afraid. Seriously? Does he not think I can ignore the weather in a Klonopin and Ambien induced sleep? In this state I would not even be aware that the wind swept me away and I was impaled on a tree limb 50 feet up in the air. It would only be a minor irritation.
Are you aware that walking down a hallway on Klonopin is an artform not to be tried by the faint of heart? I have perfected the art of bouncing from one wall to another and I am growing rather found of my black and blue bruises. They give me character and match my new gown.
I have been banned from cooking dinner, but with my fast food reputation I don't find that a hardship in anyway. It seems I made one little mistake and now no one trusts me. I so carefully rubbed my pork roast in cinnamon (instead of garlic), placed the rutabega's (instead of potatoes) in the crock pot, also season with cinnamon and nutmeg. Now I am not trusted. Did I mention I fried some cottage cheese instead of hominy? Some people can be so picky!
I did attend Mass, unfortunately it was a Pentecostal church and we are Catholic, so now my church privileges are suspended until further notice too.
I am now headed to the safety of the couch. How much damn trouble can I get into there?
Make sure it is the couch and not the kitchen counter. Even in a drug-induced state, staring at the microwave for entertainment would have to get boring after a while.
ReplyDeleteIt does, there are only so many times you can watch a bucket of popcorn chicken go around the damn carousel before you just decide to eat them cold.
DeleteSomehow from what I know of you I suspect that if anyone could not be safe on the couch.....
ReplyDeleteLaughed my socks off at the bit about satin sheets too, they make look all smooth and sexy (did they match the shaved bits ? lol) but unless you plan to have very quick sex in which you pretty much lay there and play dead forget it.
Or so I'm told...
Play dead hell! I was medicated and still couldn't hold on.
DeleteYou do know me and the couch is not a safe place unless someone pulls the coffee table up close enough to catch you when you roll over. We learned this the hard way.
We are currently living parallel lives. I'm just finishing up an Ambien-induced bout of insanity that scared the hell out of me. (And lurching was also involved, along with no impulse control and saying weird stuff to people and being followed aisle by aisle by a manager...I don't recommend this for fun.)
ReplyDeleteNo one around me would even notice the no impulse control and saying weird stuff, that's just me. However I can normally walk a straight line and I seem to have lost that ability. Did you ever adjust to this crap?
DeleteThis is how every day should end, a good laugh at someone else's expense.
ReplyDeleteI know right? What is there about a good laugh at someone else's expense that is so good. Why do we love it when someone else falls or otherwise make a complete fool of themselves? I am so depraved I will even laugh if one of the dogs does something stupid like miss the couch they are trying to jump on. I don't think I will ever get over the fat lady that fell in the grocery store and then rolled in the banana's, mashing them of course, trying to get up. She probably could have done without my But She's Pretty child yelling out "Grab some Mom, we can make banana pudding tonight".
DeleteAt least you sold out for steak, which in my book is pretty classy. And not just for a bag of chips, which is about my going rate at the moment.
ReplyDeleteYou did at least as for a coke to go with the chips didn't you Lily? Dear God Lily, we are classy women, some day I want to go out on the town with you! We will, of course, demand they put us in the same jail cell.
DeleteOI !!!
DeleteDon't even think about a night on the town without me.
We wouldn't dream of it, someone has to stand on the street corner and lure the men in for us! we can't survive on steak and crisps for that long before needing something else.
DeleteHi B, I love new readers. Since I have no husband to carry me to bed and when I did most of the time I preferred to NOT know what he was doing anyway. Right now the pills are a necessity, I can take them or die. If I die, then I can't plot revenge on the sob and not being dead I am not sure how long it will take me to hone my haunting skills. Thanks for coming by and I hope you come again!
ReplyDelete