First I am worried about being committed. I would not do well in an insane asylum. Too many people there I could relate too.
My doctor in all his infinite wisdom started me on a new medication this week that has turned me into a raving lunatic. If I am not crying about all the wrongs done to me since my days in the womb then I am ready to eat my children. I am pretty sure I could pull off the insanity defense. In all honesty I could probably pull that off without medication but somehow it just makes you feel better to have something to blame it on.
I have sunk to a new low this week. I have this "friend", I have known for more years than we need to discuss here, who thinks I am wonderful and would make the best wife material. It could be the fact that his standards aren't that high considering his last wife of three weeks was arrested for embezzeling $80,000.00 from a company she worked at before meeting him and is now spending her days as some dyke's new girlfriend. I tried to tell him before he married her that you just can't know someone very well that you met at a Braves game and married a week later. Did I mention he has "fool" written all over him in bright red marker? My "fool" however is written in a very pretty shade of muted pink. Anyway, I caved, let him spend the night. Of course I did make him feed me first, I'm a lunatic not an idiot. Yes dear friends, I sold out for a steak. When he wanted to stay again the next night I did offer to throw the steak up just to make things even again. I guess even I have to blow the cobwebs out from time to time.
I do have a word of advice, never, ever shave places that were not meant to be shaved while taking Klonopin followed up by slathering yourself in Bath and Body Works grapefruit body butter, no matter how good that shit smells. You slip, you slide and I don't think the satin sheets helped me any. Clutching onto the sheets at the bottom of the bed to keep from falling into the floor while dozing off does not say "Come on Big Boy, I'm ready for more"!
So today we have severe weather and he calls wanting to know if I want him to come and stay with me to keep me from being afraid. Seriously? Does he not think I can ignore the weather in a Klonopin and Ambien induced sleep? In this state I would not even be aware that the wind swept me away and I was impaled on a tree limb 50 feet up in the air. It would only be a minor irritation.
Are you aware that walking down a hallway on Klonopin is an artform not to be tried by the faint of heart? I have perfected the art of bouncing from one wall to another and I am growing rather found of my black and blue bruises. They give me character and match my new gown.
I have been banned from cooking dinner, but with my fast food reputation I don't find that a hardship in anyway. It seems I made one little mistake and now no one trusts me. I so carefully rubbed my pork roast in cinnamon (instead of garlic), placed the rutabega's (instead of potatoes) in the crock pot, also season with cinnamon and nutmeg. Now I am not trusted. Did I mention I fried some cottage cheese instead of hominy? Some people can be so picky!
I did attend Mass, unfortunately it was a Pentecostal church and we are Catholic, so now my church privileges are suspended until further notice too.
I am now headed to the safety of the couch. How much damn trouble can I get into there?