Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Move

I have been trying to get an upstairs apartment since I moved in here 5 yrs ago. I have had many chances over the years but have had my heart set on one apartment, the one directly upstairs from the one I live in. Yes, the one the Redneck Neighbors From Hell lived in. So I waited for it. I love the fact that the pool and tennis courts are close, my mailbox and trash bin are close and no matter what window I look out I can only see woods, no apartments. I love opening my bay windows and seeing trees instead of some old fat man in his underwear thinking he is sneaking to the trash bin and no one can see him. Why upstairs? I feel safer. I like to open my windows and unless the circus is in town there are many walking by that can just look in. I want to sleep with my window open and in my deluded mind I think I might hear a rapist if he climbed the balcony since I have two useless dogs who don't really give a shit if someone comes into my house, they just raise hell when they leave. I just hope they have enough sense to get out of the way when I decide to shoot the sonsofbitches climbing in the window.

Finally last week it all came to a head, she pulled a gun on him, he pulled a knife on her and I am not sure who's head went through the wall. By the time the two pit bulls, one his, one hers got finished defending their respective masters it was a mess, the police were there and I was already arranging the furniture in my mind. The next day management called and asked if I still want the apartment, after they fix the walls, get the blood out and replace the carpet. I would have kissed the man but his wife was there and she is bigger than me and I pretty sure she could outrun me. So we are moving this week, transfers should be easy from downstairs to upstairs, right? Yeah, not so much.

Power Company-Got to give this people credit, all they needed was a date, no transfer fee.

Water Company-Great, they only needed a $20 transfer fee and available on the date I need. Paid and ready to go.

Cable Internet-First day I talk to Scott who tells me there is no transfer and he is available to move that one wired either March 11th or 12th. All day, any time I chose. When I called back the next day with the time all at once they don't have a Scott that works for them and they can't move it until March 14th. I let it slide because that was the day I wanted anyway. Just wonder where they stashed Scott's body.

Gas Company-The first day I called was great. No transfer fee but could I call back the next day with the info their computer was down.  Not a problem.  I call back. Now my gas bill is only $22 and not due until March 18th, this is only March 10th and I am moving March 14th. She then informs me that I will have to pay the bill before they transfer. My question as to why since it isn't even due yet fell on deaf and stupid ears. Oh and did they tell me about the $25 upgrade in deposit I would have to pay? Why I asked since my bill has always been paid on time and I have had business with them since 1983, I paid a deposit then of of $125 so why would I owe more with a good record? Well she says in her nasaly voice because they have raised their rates back in 1999. I ask her why I would not be grandfathered and if they did change then why did it take them all these years to inform me of this? I have moved several times since then. Of course she didn't know. So I am not happy but agree to pay. Then she tells me the total is $97. Now I don't care where in these Appalachian Mountains you went to school $22 and $25 dollars just don't add up to $97. She giggled and informed me she must have forgotten to tell me about the $50 transfer fee. Remember the one one that didn't exist the day before? I called her a few choice names, paid the damn money and left. At least she can turn it on on the date I need.

Then we come to DirectTV, my old nemisis. This time I had the upper hand, contract was up, the dish is already placed on the upstairs balcony where I am moving. I have movers connection that moves me for free. The idiot has to move one single wire. So fresh off my anger with the gas company I laid it on the line. It could be done my way or I go to Dish. Simple. They ask what my way was. I told them I wanted my flat screen mounted above my fireplace free of charge, whole home HD DVR system and I was not paying for the two extra HD DVR's. Really shocked when they agreed, but disappointed too because I still had that fight in me and I didn't get it satisfied with them.  Oh well at least I get new electronics to play with that no matter what I do I will never understand.

So as of now I will be moving upstairs away from the robbers and rapists on the 14th. My sons assures me that we could stay downstairs and be perfectly fine because anyone looking in our windows and seeing me in one of my lovely night wear outfits, zonked out on Ambien, a Chihuahua attached to one hip and a pug laying on my chest would pass right on by us anyway in a dead run. I don't trust them, what if the rapist has a Betty Boop fetish and actually likes my sleep shorts? With the blanket covering the lower part of my legs and me laying down they wouldn't be able to see the sagging skin and wrinkles until they got in here. A hard on isn't that easy to get rid of!

We are having a moment of silence for the animal print shit on Tuesday at 2 pm if anyone cares to attend. Right before I put it all in the mail and send it to But She's Pretty child. I am more of a flowers and wreaths, country kind of decorater, since I grew up on the farm when I was a child.  A 2 million dollar house in the suburbs does count as a farm doesn't it? If you own at least three dogs,one cat and have a lake?  Back to the animal print. Before my husband and I split and when we bought our last house nothing do But She's Pretty child but to decorate her room in African animal prints. She had a very big bedroom with a small sitting room off to the side. That damn room held a lot of animal print stuff! Then she grows up some, meets an attorney who has better decorating sense then she does, moved in with him and left it with me. When we sold the house during the apocalypse of the divorce I got the animal shit.  Since I had gone on a rampage and like a fool busted up a lot of the pretty stuff(actually anything the ex louse has bought), I was stuck with it.  So we move to this apartment and it isn't a small apartment. So I drag out the animal crap and it has been in my living room until last week when I redecorated back to my country roots(lets make it clear here that I do draw the line at farm animals). Over the years I have been so teased by But She's Pretty child about using the stuff, which I might add she now thinks is hideous, and have had many failed attempts to get her to take it with her when she visits. I have decided to send it to her by UPS. She doesn't know it's coming. Just for added effect I may send it to the law office.



  1. That's a lot of blank space after yet another very funny post.

    I don't know what it is about gas companies but I've never heard anyone describe a positive experience dealing with those people. I have theory that they get paid extra if they can get customers to swear at them.

  2. Thanks for letting me know Monkey, I have been so sick I didn't even bother to check the spacing, spelling either for that matter.

    Dear God, if your theory is correct I just made the idiot a millionaire! Now that chaps my ass!

    Glad you enjoyed it.

  3. Goddammit, it's midnight here!
    Why do you torture me so with your humour and your wit, so that I cannot get to bed at a reasonable time?


    1. Because I get up everyday and the first thing I think of I how am I going to torture Lily today. But I am a little nice about it, if I really wanted to torture you I would make you move into my mad house with me and observe everything first hand!

  4. I moved my business into a warehouse space that was previously used for vending storage. Before we moved in they removed industrial sized walk-in refrigerators and freezers.

    The deposit for the electric company required 2 months average price for the property based on the previous years usage. They wanted over $2,000. I tried to explain to them that the previous usage was based on the massive power being used by the refrigeration units. Since those units were gone, the new bill would not be anywhere near that cost.

    Despite the ridiculous amount of money, they would not budge. I agreed to pay the money over the course of six installments. My actual power bill was about $225. I tried to renegotiate with them once they saw my usage, but they never budged. I was furious, but stuck.

    1. I had to pay an extra $400 per month until the deposit was met.

    2. That is what is so bad, they don't give a shit if it's your bill or not. I was lucky, guess these people tried to kill each other daily but at least paid their bills. My sister had to pay a $900 cable bill once when she moved because the people moved out and left the bill, they wouldn't turn her cable on, which was caught up with nothing due, until she paid the old tenants bills. So stupid.

  5. So you're moving INTO the crime scene apartment? Talk about some ghosts. At least it'll have a view right?

    Switching utilities etc is an absolute fucking bear. At least you sound like you're done with all the bullshit.

  6. Hell Bird, I figure if I can't stop the crime I might as well move up here. Actually they finally evicted one and put the other one in jail so I finally got the apartment. Got new carpet too, the blood wouldn't all come out of the other one they had just put in. LOL