Deep In The Hood With Grape Koolaide

My friend and I were sitting on her porch the first night she moved in discussing if we ever thought we would want another man in our lives (btw we decided not so much), of course we had certain criteria that must be met. He had to have money, no former wife or children and be totally devoted to us. Then my friend looks at me and says "Look around, how fast do you think we are going to meet that man?" We looked around at our surroundings and came to the conclusion it will be when hell freezes over. We are on her porch, she has just moved in so our patio "furniture" consisted of one green plastic chair, one white plastic chair that takes a special performance to sit in as it is cracked and could at any moment dump your ass to the concrete and we have a wooden tv tray between us. Our hor dourves consisted of pre-packaged cheddar cheese cubes, Ritz crackers, a jar of peanut butter with one knife stuck in it, some saltine crackers with the wrapper split all the way down, two Hershey candy bars, 2 chicken legs left over from lunch at KFC and a bag of peanut M&M's. Drinks were two glasses of grape Koolaid because we were too lazy to go to the store for anything else and that was all she had in the house. I am dressed in my best gray sweat pants with the legs cut off at the knee and a Tshirt that says "Whatsssupp!", she has on her best shorts with the ripped pocket and a polo shirt with all three buttons missing. Oh and let's not forget my bare feet and her mismatched flip flops (the dog took off with one so she just grabbed another one as we went out the door for our evening of patio man planning, a green one and a blue one). All evening we had been thinking her new neighbors were being rude and rather uppity, hell they were probably terrified. Face it we looked like we came from the hood, deep in the hood. Even the rednecks are a little afraid of the hood. Yo!

So as we sat there in all our glory we start to weigh our options. What is really out there to choose from so we take a quick survey of the neighborhood. In front of one apartment is a pick up truck with the camouflage logo "Mossy Oak" emblazoned across the top half of the front windshield. Some suspicious looking dried substance that had at one time been dripping down the side of the truck bed. He was ruled out quickly.

Then we see another pick up, it's not that we are only scouting the pick up trucks, but we are in redneck country and they far outweigh the ratio to cars. This one looks nice, Dodge Ram, then I notice the horns attached to the hood and I would bet my life that when he honks his horn it plays "Dixie". He's out.

Finally we spot a car, but it has huge rims, primer paint in some places and mud flaps so we just know that romance is dead before it even has a chance to start. We just can't deal with the mud flaps.

She grabs my arm and says "Look, over there, right under the street light is a Benz!" We decide to watch the Benz closely.

Then of course there are three or four, we stopped counting, soccer Mom SUV's complete with the bumper sticker's "My kid is number 47" or "My kid can kick your kids ball" so they immediately fall under the no wife, no kids rule and we move on.

We are still keeping an eye out on the Benz.

Next we see a dark green pick up, I'm quite sure the name of the paint for that model is "Better to Hunt In" since there is a gun rack and guns in the back window. He is out immediately because we aren't dealing with anything dead until the Zombie Apocalypse comes and we are forced too and neither of us are attracted to squirrel tail coats.

Suddenly from out of nowhere came Billy Ray Cyrus chasing a naked kid across the parking lot. At least we assumed it was Billy Ray, sometimes all those mullets just run together and everyone looks alike. I mean he was clean and everything, which was more than we could say for some we saw, but for God's sake he had a fucking mullet!

We smell something really good, my friend looks at me and says "This just might be the one, food is always a big motivator in the love department." So we decide to get up and walk down the side walk a bit and follow the smell. We found it just about the time we hear a loud screeching woman yell "Johnny Bill, you did remember to put the Jack Daniels in the sauce didn't you?" He screeches back "Sure did, I'd never forget that." At which she replies "Well, if you don't need the rest of this bottle I'm just gonna drink it on down." Realizing that Jack Daniels would have to become a part of our regular diet to just look at Porky every morning and neither one of us being drinkers we decided that wasn't going to work for us either.

We are still watching the Benz.

On the way back to our elaborate patio set up we saw a woman sitting on the couch they had placed on their patio, breast feeding two babies at once. Only they weren't really babies, the youngest looked at least 4 and the oldest at least six. Then out the slamming screen door comes yet another child about 2 or 3 screaming "It's my turn now!" I told my friend to hurry up because the husband probably wasn't far behind and I wasn't sure my cheese and crackers would stay down if I had to witness that.

We make it back to the safety of our grape Koolaid and hor dourves, well first we made a quick trip in the house to grab some ice cream from the freezer, one container, two spoons, nothing fancy about us, we were fitting right in. We thought it might be a good survival tactic.

I finally looked at her and said "How long is your lease for here, did they not tell you about these people before you signed it? Could you not see them?" She replied "No, I think they are a lot like roaches they only come out at night and I was here in the daytime. I only signed a one month, can you come get me tomorrow and help me find something else?" I said "Of course I will as soon as we make sure the man in the Benz isn't a prospect. Now hand me some more of that damn grape Koolaid before they think we are becoming civilized and attack us!"

Then I spot him, the man with the Benz. Headed toward his car, all 4' 6", 92 lbs of him. I could be off a little on the height, it was hard to tell with the street light glaring off his bald head. Another prospect down the drain. I could live with the bald head, I happen to find a bald head sexy but the height and weight was a deal breaker for the both of us, he would never have survived the night with either of us.

We decide it is now time to move inside for safety reasons, immediately upon opening the door we saw a giant roach run across her floor. That was it, we were out of there and went back to my house to spend the night. She actually stayed with me until her lease was up and we found her a very nice apartment.

We are now taking a different direction and have decided maybe the life of a Sister Wife isn't so bad. Only we want to be the 8th and 9th wife so we never actually have to have a "night" with the poly husband. Oh and we ain't babysitting no screaming kids from the other wives either, been there, done that with our own, not about to do it all over for someone else's screaming brats. Again, there we go putting restrictions on our love lives!