Friday, July 20, 2012

The Accessory Every Newborn Needs!

This one is going to be short but I have to share them before I forget and delete them from my phone. This is two text conversations between my nephew and myself today about 3 hours apart. Keep in mind they are babies having babies, my nephew is 18 and his girlfriend/fiance/ex fiance (I'm not sure this week, it changes almost daily) is also 18, but damn at some point common sense should have already kicked it, trust me when I tell you it hasn't. They are having a baby, she is 5 months pregnant. At least that is what the sonogram says, I am just assuming they went to an obstetrician that is smarter than either of them and can actually read a sonogram. Also keep in mind they are not southerners, here in the south this would not only be accepted but expected. But we are from the north by way of England so this type of thing is not top on our list of items you buy a newborn baby.

C: She won't even answer her phone.
(I'm still trying to process who the hell he is talking about when he fires another one at me.)

C: And she won't pay am I suppose to eat?
(I have by now figured out he is talking about my sister whom in all their wisdom the courts have dropped all charges against so she is now free to write more bad checks. She had promised him gas money if he would pick her up at the jail and take her back to her house, then didn't pay him.)

Me: Where are you now?

C: At Burger King, eating lunch

Me: Then why are you worried about eating, you obviously had money to eat lunch on, you have a job.

C: But I will need to eat 3 or 4 more times before the day is over.

Me: I don't know, call her, text her or go beat on her door until she gives you the money. I can't do anything about it from down here.

C: OK, I thought that is what you would tell me to do.

Me: Then why did you text and ask me, why not just go ahead and do it?

C: I just wanted to be sure.

Me: Then go do your thing, I'm busy right now.

C: OK, talk to you later, I love you.

Me: I love you too.

Then 3 hours later this one comes through:

C: I'm getting Levi (unborn baby's name) a gun today!!!!

Me: No

C: Yes

C: 243
(type of gun)

Me: No

Me: He needs a crib, a car seat, a stroller, bottles, clothes, diapers and a lot of other stuff but he doesn't need a gun.

C: He will get all that stuff

Me: Where from?

C: Other family members will buy that kind of stuff

Me: And you think he is only going to need it one time? Diapers and formula are needed for a lot longer than the amount you get at a baby shower. Plus he will grow fast and need even more stuff a long time before he needs a gun.

C: But he needs a gun

Me: Not now he doesn't. You have got to get your priorities in order and think of him. A gun is not necessary for his survival or well being at this time.

C: What if he is hungry and has to kill something to eat?
(This was my favorite of all his stupid comments today)

Me: He isn't even born yet and when he is it will be your responsibility to feed and cloth him, not his. A gun isn't going to mean jack shit to him now, he just wants a dry butt and formula. Besides how many newborns have you seen out hunting down and killing their own food?

C: Not enough
(My second favorite comment of the day, especially considering he is dead cold serious in all his comments)

Me: It's time to be Levi's Daddy and put his needs first. Grow up C, no newborn "needs" a fucking gun.

C: Mine does

Me: No C, he doesn't

C: Yes, he does

Me: Be responsible, a gun for a newborn is foolish, he has no idea what it even is. You get him a gun and your simply buying it for yourself, to be able to say he has one, he doesn't give a shit about your ego either. How many dead kids do you think I have seen come through the trauma bay because their parents thought they needed and were old enough to handle a gun? Hundreds, almost all of them are dead the rest are maimed for life.

C: But it's a youth model and I can take the firing pin out in 10's my decision so please stop trying to make me sound like a bad parent.

Me: And if that gun isn't under lock and key and the bullets in a totally separate area and no one is standing right beside him he can pick that gun up and shoot himself or another child in that 10 seconds too. If you don't want my opinion then don't ask me, you know I don't shoot bullshit or sugar coat anything. If you want that, go talk to your own mother, she can dish it out in abundance. See I could give you one of her rehearsed, don't bother me answers if you like: "Oh C, that sounds like a great idea, now can you get out of my way I have a bad check to write" If that is what you want then why the hell are you bothering me with this nonsense?

C: I'm not a bad parent because I want to buy my kid a gun

Me: Actually C your not even a parent yet, the child is only 20 weeks gestation so I guess this gets you the award for "Bad Parent of a Pre-Natal Child", I will upgrade that title when he is actually born if you do something stupid like go buy that gun.

C: You don't understand so I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Me: Good because I am running out of ways to tell you how irresponsible and stupid you're being and it's giving me a headache.

C: OK, I love you!

Me: I love you too C, but your still an idiot.

Now all say prayers that Levi survives his first month of life after his birth, because these two might decide to get him a pet tiger or something. I don't trust them.


  1. " What if he is hungry and has to kill something to eat?" Shea, really??!!
    I had to hold my hands over my mouth because it's early in the morning and my laughter could quite possibly wake the dead. And "not enough," seriously, the tears of mirth are brimming as I type this!

  2. I swear Lily he actually said that, I was laughing so hard I was crying trying to answer his text. I have just now figured out how to take a screenshot with this new phone, the next time I will take a shot of the entire conversation with him, he can really come up with some good ones.

  3. If he's hungry and has to kill something, he's gonna shoot his mom.

    1. Well according to my nephews life plan she better be practicing her running skills. LOL