5 Out Of 5 Ain't Bad

Normally questionnaires send me running from the room screaming but something about this one was a little different, not the usual "what's your favorite food" deal, so I decided to give it a try. Also I can't think of a damn thing to write this morning, it's storming, I'm too lazy to get up and turn the AC up so I'm freezing and it's getting harder and harder to ignore the hunger pains that are distracting me (that lazy thing again).

One
What are the 5 scariest things you have ever heard from a doctor:
1. "I'm sorry, we lost your son's heart beat, we can't do anything else" (It was on my birthday)

2. "Your daughter is in a coma and has less than 1% chance of making it, we have done all we can, if she does survive she will most likely be in a permanent vegetative state" (He was so wrong, this child in now in her third year of nursing school and carrying a 4.0, you would never know she had been this close to death She was 18 yrs old at the time)

3. "Well, it's a poisonous mushroom, but we can't identify it and it appears she ate the whole thing ( child from number 2 again, I swear I am not trying to kill this child!  They finally did identify the mushroom by calling in a botonist, pumped out her stomach and gave her an antidote and she was fine. She was 14 months old at the time)

4. "We think it is cancer and need to remove it right away. (This was Demon Seed last summer, it wasn't cancer but we didn't know it wasn't for 6 weeks, he had an abscess pressing against his heart and lungs caused from the virus Cat Scratch Fever, ironic since we have no cats, so a minor biopsy turned into major surgery that had him in isolation all last summer with an open surgical wound that had to be unpacked and packed daily. Do you have any idea how much fun being in isolation with a teenager is, especially one who has also been told he can't use his AXE until the wound closes in 2-3 months?)

5. "It's male twins and they are identical. (OH FUCK, that is all you can think of when hearing this news, actually that's the only thought that goes through your head for the whole next week then "What did I do to deserve this" sets in.)

Two
What are your 5 top pet peeves involving people:
1. Stupidity (I have a zero tolerance policy)

2. People who are too lazy to clean and live in a filthy house (if you can't clean your house I am 99% sure your not cleaning your ass either)

3. People who show up at my door uninvited to "visit" ( I have some favorite decrepit pajama's not fit for public viewing that I refuse to give up because they are comfy, these I won't even wear to Walmart, drop in on me and it will probably teach you to have the manners to call first)

4. Reformed smokers (I've already discussed this one)

5. Scammers (especially when it's a 17 yr old friend of your children's doing it because they think you are too old and dumb to see right through them. I especially hated the red head that use to come in here like Eddie Haskell and say "Good morning, your looking especially beautiful this morning. I wish you were my Mom." Then go back to The Devil's Advocate's room and say "Hey, let's go someplace and plan a murder",( now I'm not sure he actually said "plan a murder" I could have misheard the exact words but I can't imagine, knowing him, that it didn't ever cross his mind.)

Three
What are 5 funniest things that have been said to you or overheard by you:
1. Your test is positive, you're pregnant (Whoa cowboy, just what were you tripping on when you did that total hysterectomy on me five years ago? Surely you got all the right parts? Are you dyslexic, possibly reading the test backwards or drunk? I have an idea let's check the name on the chart and make sure you even have my chart. He didn't, it belonged to the room next to me.)

2. I was working in an OB clinic and a couple from a foreign country came in and wanted a pregnancy test done. Back then we had to have early morning urine. I told them they would have to come back the next morning to take the test. He shows up the next morning early, alone. Tells me his wife isn't feeling well and he is going to take the test for her. Who am I to argue? I let him pee in a cup, told him he wasn't pregnant but I couldn't tell if his wife was or not until she came in and did the same thing. Hey, it was easier than trying to explain it to him, he didn't speak English well and I didn't speak his language at all.

3. While making arrangements with the priest for Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate's christening, my then 7yr old daughter very seriously looked up at me and said "But Mom, what are we going to do if steam comes off their heads when they sprinkle the water on them?"  I thought it was hysterical, the Priest looked a little frightened.

4. My oldest son, age 2yrs at the time stood up in the pew at church and started playing with the rosary, normally he would have to sit down but he had been very fussy all morning so I was willing to let him do anything to keep him calm, until I hear him yell as loudly as he could "Hang on Jesus, you're going for a ride" while wildly swinging the rosary like a cowboy trying to rope a calf. I should have been embarrassed but I found it so funny I couldn't control my own laughter and had to take him, and myself, out.

5. While at work one day I overheard a patient's elderly wife on the telephone giving the post surgery update to a family member on her husband telling them we had neutered him at 10:00am and he was now in recovery. It took me a minute to figure this one out. We had removed his prostrate gland and somehow she thought this was the equivalent of neutering a dog. I was going to explain it to her but then the thought of her running around telling everyone her husband had been neutered seemed so much more fun that I just let it go.

Four
Name 5 of your most embarrassing moments:
1. I am not from here originally, in other words I am not a native redneck. When I first came here 30 yrs ago my accent was still very strong and not yet corrupted by the southern dialect. I sent my 5 yr old son to school with a note asking "Do I need to provide rubbers for him or does the school provide them?" I was called to the school office the next morning to discuss the note, they were very concerned for my son. I was very confused. It was only after I got there that I realized rubbers are called erasers here. Who knew?

2. Church Christmas play when my daughter was about 4-5 yrs old. Now remember this is the daughter that we argued over after every service because no one wanted to go pick her up from the nursery. We couldn't even bribe the two older ones to go get her for us. She was and still is as unfiltered as I am so there was never a doubt that she had said something, just how bad it was going to be was the iffy part. So they decide to put her in the Christmas play, I warned them, I mean the child already had a reputation at the church did they really think she was going to stand there and quietly do her part for a play when she had a whole audience captured? So there they all were, lined up in brand new suits with red ties and the little girls in red velvet dresses trimmed in lace and fur, including mine. The only difference was mine did the entire play with her dress slung up over her head. At one point turning her back and doing a "booty shake". I was mortified, the whole church was laughing. I ask her afterwards why she did it when she had such a pretty new dress to show off ? Her reply was "Mommy, EVERYONE had new dresses but I had new underwear too and I wanted everyone to see them, I think they liked them."  They had fair warning and she had a good point.

3. My son and I are parked illegally in front of the grocery store waiting for my daughter to run in and pick something up. Yes, the same daughter from the church, the mushroom, the coma, etc. When we are together it is always a race to outdo each other, see who can embarrass who the worst. Not expecting anything, my daughter calmly walks out and about the time she gets to the front of the car she literally throws her body onto the bonnet hood and rolls back down making it look like my son had just hit her with the car. He quickly jumps out, looks all around then runs to the front of the car and drags her limp body to the back, lays her down, opens the boot trunk and "stuffs" her in. Quickly closes the lid, looks around again and jumps back in the drivers seat and takes off. By this time I see several people pulling out cell phones and I am in hysterics just knowing they are calling the police and we are going to be arrested. By the time we were stopped by the police she had of course been released from the trunk and was calmly sitting in the back seat and none of us had any idea what they were talking about. I had to give it to them, that was one of the better ones.

4. My oldest son was and is such a Mamma's boy, but has a great sense of humor (he was the driver in the above incident), when he was 12 I decided to play a trick on him one day and hid in my closet when he came home from school. My intentions were to jump up as soon as he came looking for me and scare him. This might be the reason my children are warped, they had no one to show them what was proper and what wasn't, Mom is usually in on it with them. I will wear my "Bad Mom" badge proudly, at least we have fun. For some unknown reason and totally out of character for him when he came in and called for me and I didn't answer he turned straight around without coming to look for me, goes next door and calls his grandmother, who then calls the police and reports me missing. All this time I am still in the closet stifling giggles just imagining his reaction when he came back to look for me. I really thought he had just gone outside to look for me and would be back. I knew no different until suddenly I hear grown men, who turned out to be police officers, in my house going from room to room calling my name, his grandmother in the background saying over and over "Sweet Jesus let us find her and let her be alive and not murdered". Now what the hell do I do? I can't just stay there, they won't go away they will eventually find me in the closet. Nothing to do but tuck my tail between my legs, sheepishly come out of the closet and confess. Everyone took it pretty good except Grandma.

5. My daughter and I stop in McDonald's for lunch. Suddenly she asks if the manager can come and speak with us. I ask her why and she says, simply, "You will see", I'm sure you have guessed which daughter by now which is why I was very nervous. He comes out and she wants to talk to him about catering her wedding (she didn't even have a boyfriend at the time), he was a little surprised but he was sure they could handle it until she gets to the guest list of 800 and wants Ronald McDonald there to officiate, The Hamburgler to help cut the cake which must be a giant Ronald surrounded by all the other McDonald's character's. Oh and did he think it would be just too over the top if she threw in some Sesame Street characters too? She goes into every little detail she could think of in this pretend wedding with this man. I wanted to kill her before she got her "wedding plans" finished and finally drove the poor manager to the brink and he had to tell her that a wedding that size with that much detail was just out of their scope. She looked at him sweetly, smiled and said "Oh OK, I'll just have a Big Mac for lunch then." It was even worse when the guy felt so bad that he couldn't accommodate her wedding plans that he gave us our lunch for free. Now how many of you want her to come and visit you for a few weeks? What?! No takers, I'm shocked!

Five
Name 5 things that scare you the most:
1. Losing another child

2. Insects (I have such a fear of insects of any kind that I have actually fainted before, several times, when one has gotten on me, but let me tell you I can hit an insect from 16 ft away with a book and hit it every time)

3. The Apocalypse (hey, I'm not prepared, I could never keep that much food in my house without eating on it before it actually happens, there is not enough toilet paper in the world or space to store it to get us through at the rate we use it around here, they won't give me a prescription for 10 billion Klonipin's at one time to get me through, I might be trapped for years with the Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate who talks non stop and are armed with AXE, that scares the fuck out of me, where will I go to fulfill my pajama fetish, who would we eat first if the food runs out, considering my fat layer I'm pretty sure they will choose me, a lot to worry about here! )

4. My car breaking down while I am alone (mostly because half the time I forget to take my cell phone with me when I leave so I can't call my roadside assistance and the only thing I know about cars is they need gas to run. I can literally obsess about this one making myself a nervous wreck the whole time I am gone unless I have my Adam Lambert CD in to distract me. He is very lucky I am not a gay man! I would be all over that and then most likely be arrested for stalking.)

5. Small children (OK, this one may not be an actual fear, more like an intense dislike that makes it fearful to think I might have to be within a 2 mile radius of one)