Thursday, August 2, 2012

Just My Kind Of Email To Answer!

I received this email this morning and I don't know why it strikes me as so funny. Is our world so fucked up that this is one of the major things we have to worry about?

Hi there Shea–

I thought you might want to let your readers know about the 3rd Annual Fragrance Free Day happening next Friday, August 10th, hosted by SeaYu.

The Environmental Protection Association (EPA) states that fragranced products like air fresheners, fabric refreshers and traditional cleaning products contribute to poor indoors air quality, which can lead to health issues, especially for pets with their faster metabolisms and respiratory systems, and close proximity to the ground.

Fragrance Free Day helps raise awareness about the dangers of fragrances in personal care and household products by giving people the chance to go “fragrance free” for one day. That means no perfumes, colognes, scented lotions or harsh cleaning products with added fragrances for one full day!

On Fragrance Free Day (August 10th), SeaYu will be hosting a live Twitter chat from 1:00 PM – 2:00 PM EST using hashtag #fragrancefreeday. Participants can get all their questions and concerns about fragranced products answered by a panel of experts including:

-Quincy Yu, Founder of SeaYu and green living expert

-Dr. Patrick Mahaney, Veterinarian, Certified Veterinary Acupuncturist

-Dr. Stephan Ziman, organic chemist

I thought you might help us spread the word about Fragrance Free Day using your social channels (Twitter, Facebook and of course, your blog!). And be sure to join the conversation on Twitter using the hashtag #fragrancefreeday!

Let me know if I can provide any more information.

Thanks so much!

I am so tempted to join the conversation, all I can see is a bunch of sitting ducks just waiting to answer some of the questions I could come up with. But for once I will filter my mouth.....maybe. I can't promise anything.

I did however feel compelled to answer the email:

My Dearest Shelley,
Fortunately you have decided to have your little pow wow via computer, I can't even imagine being in a room full of people using no deodorant in this heat wave.

First I want you to understand, I love my dogs, I love my dogs almost as much as I love my children and on many days I love them more than I love my children, dogs are much easier to train and better behaved. So you see, you can deduct from that comment that I am a flexible person. However, there are some things I am very rigid on, personal hygiene being in the top five of my list.

I also want to thank you for your "personalized" greeting calling me by name, almost like we are close, personal friends. But that is also the one thing that told me is you really don't know me or you would know I am raising the Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate, children of the devil. Trust me when I tell you that 17 yr old boys are simply not good candidates for your Fragrance Free Day. While I realize that Axe deodorant and body spray are not the most pleasant fragrance you can encounter, it is much better than a 17 yr old's body sweat. We will not mention the socks and sneakers, I don't have the stomach for it. If I even told The Devil's Advocate he had to go without his Axe I am afraid he would open the portal and bring all his demon friends to attack as they all use it too. It quite possibly is the only thing they have found to rid them of that sulfar smell they get while visiting their father, Satan. I am quite sure there isn't anything else on the market today stronger than Axe.

Moving on to myself, I have rituals. These may have overtones of OCD, I'm sure a good psychiatrist would tell you they do. But they are non-negotiable. I have to bath everyday and no one, not even your Fragrance Free Day security could take away my scented Oil of Olay Age Defying soap or my Pantene scented shampoo and conditioner. Then there is this little matter of the after bath ritual and again in pure OCD fashion not one single step can be skipped or I would need more Klonopin than I am already on. I have to use my scented deodorant, my scented bath powder and my perfume. If I don't then I don't feel "clean", try to take that away and I might pull out a Glock on you. I am a very good shot so how about we just leave my rituals alone?

Your concern for my air freshner is appreciated although not needed. You see mine is automatic and mounted close to the ceiling, so rest assured that both my animals are way under the spray zone now that I have moved the horses out of the house. Now don't you feel a little silly for getting all worked up over nothing? I almost feel silly for you.

Oh and as for cleaning my house, what is the point of cleaning it if it doesn't smell clean? Just sayin', could be a personal opinion and I am the only person in the world that feels that way. I am willing to own my feelings and live with the consequences.

While, again, I appreciate your concern about my using fragrances and my personal hygiene, please don't write to me about it again or I will be forced to discuss douching products with you and so far I am very proud of myself for leaving that out of this reply. It is against my nature to ignore such an important subject.

Now if you will excuse me I am going to go blow my nose on those delightfully scented new tissues I bought this morning at the grocery, you should try them some time. But just to keep your anxiety levels down and to participate in some small way to your Fragrance Free Day I promise I WILL NOT, under any circumstances, let my dogs blow their noses with them.

Sincerly, your friend Shea


  1. I am thankful to now know what you and your boys smell like... Please don't enlighten me on what smell goes in your crotch via douche.... I am very content not knowing O_O lol

    1. Then you better pray these people don't send me another email! LOL

    2. Or you could be nice to me and warn me in the title, not to read that page... but then again warning me not to could just entice me even more to read it... hmmm guess im SOL if they do send you another email :(

    3. No warnings, your a cop, figure out the safe ones and the not so safe ones, OK, I admit none of them are really safe since they are rarely planned things just come out. Isn't it nice to know I talk just the way I write? Maybe this is why I am not the honored guest at many dinner parties?