10 New Year Resolutions I Don't Intend To Follow

I have compiled my list of  this year's New Year resolutions. Keep in mind that since this is not a legal binding contract I usually feel no obligation whatsoever to actually do any of these things. I look at it more as a form of cheap entertainment and a way to use up some of those seemingly endless yellow legal pads I bought just because they were on sale a few months back.

1.   Resolution: Lose weight. I always put this one at the top of the list because everybody else does. I think it is a requirement. I'm pretty sure even anorexics are required to add this one to their list.
      Reality: This is definitely one I won't follow. I am not about to give up my homemade carrot cake, Ding Dongs, Chili Cheese Fritos, fast food fetish, cream cheese (the dairy world's contribution to condiments in my book), Coke, etc. Let's just say I'm not giving up ANY food, snacks or drinks. It's easier to just buy bigger clothes than it is to suffer through a diet. The fact that I am writing this while eating an English muffin slathered in cream cheese shows my dedication to this first item on my list.

2.   Resolution: Be kind to idiots people who get on my nerves. This is also a required resolution and not one that would ever enter my mind. If you do something stupid or irritating the odds are I'm going to tell you off.
     Reality: I will be louder when I tell these idiots people off so that everyone around me can also have the satisfaction of knowing that at least someone is saying what they are thinking. It's never wise to ask me what I think. I am going to tell you and it probably isn't going to be in your favor. It is not my job to make you feel all warm and cozy or to build your self esteem. That's what Oprah and Dr. Phil are for. You can watch them for free on the new OWN network as my television blares out at least a hundred times a day. I just love how all the commercials on that network are in some way promoting Oprah and how wonderful she is. My favorite is "Lifeclass With Oprah", I really worry about the people that use Oprah as their bible to living life. She has a history that has had her in therapy for years, has been engaged to a man for even more years than she has had therapy because she is afraid of commitment, does serious yo-yo dieting which is dangerous to anyone's health, has serious attachment issues to her friend Gayle and thinks Tom Cruise is a good guest. I'm suppose to take advice from her? I don't think so. I'm waiting on Judge Judy to have a Lifeclass.

3.   Resolution: I will clean my house daily and cook nutritious meals for my family every day.
      Reality: I will still eat at any fast food joint I pass, sometimes more than once a day. The only way my house will get cleaned every day is if faeries turn out to be real and I somehow luck into getting one that sprays Pledge out her nose and has feather dusters for hands. Which reminds me of something I saw in the devil's playground aka Walmart recently. Helper Elfs to make cleaning fun (their promo words not mine). Some idiot has come up with the idea of putting covers over bottles/cans of cleaning supplies that make them look like little elfs. Why? Are there really people that would think it is now fun to clean your house just because you have a ridiculous elf cover over the Lysol bottle? Maybe it's just me, maybe I missed the point when one of my aunt's went on a crocheting spree a few years ago and crocheted all those toilet paper roll covers that had Barbie doll's sticking out the top. Was I suppose to change my bowel habits because I now had Barbie staring at me every time I went in the bathroom? Was shitting suppose to be fun? Oh well, at least my English Bulldog enjoyed chewing off Barbie's head.

4.    Resolution: I will take my Christmas tree down before February.
       Reality: It will be a good year if I take it down before March. I like the twinkly lights and I don't care how many I throw on the plants it doesn't give the same effect. I will however take it down before my daughter takes hers down. Which is the 5th of never. Last year I ask her if she had forgotten to take her tree down. I could think of no other plausible explanation as to why it was still up in June.  I had concerns that the neighbors would start to call her the "Crazy Christmas Lady" and not knowing that she accidentally murdered one of her cats by running it through a wash cycle, might start dropping stray cats off at her house. Her answer was not only a simple one but also one that she wholeheartedly saw "reason" in. She couldn't get it through the door in the den without taking all the decorations off. Exuse me? Upon seeing she was serious and not being a smart ass like her mother, I ask her if she had considered taking the decorations off first. She looked at me like I had sprouted another head and it was vomiting all over her new carpet. Her answer was that she would then have to put them back on the next year. Keep in mind that this is the same child who told her best friend that she would gladly give him one of her kidney's(he is on the transplant list)if she had two of them and it was a shame it wasn't his liver that failed because she did have two of those. Oh well, at least she's pretty.

5.    Resolution: I will not text and walk again. The public service announcements never mention the dangers of texing and walking. They should.
       Reality: I will probably continue to text and walk and will most likely end up in yet another fountain at another mall somewhere in the United States before the year is over. I do know it won't be in the same mall, I haven't been back to that one. I can't be sure that the old man I grabbed on to in an effort to break my fall and took into the fountain with me hasn't filed charges. He didn't find it near as funny as I did.

6.    Resolution: I will keep a straight face when I tell my children I love them all equally all the time.
       Reality: That's not even remotely likely to happen. They are smart children, they would know I was lying. I might possibly be able to pull it off with the Christmas Tree child, but the others would call me out in a heartbeat.

7.  Resolution: I will get rid of the snowflake robe and wear the brand new one my daughter bought me for Christmas.
      Reality: Never! No way, no how! I am going to be buried in that robe, with a Coke in one hand and my cell phone in the other. I want a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and a Taco Bell burrito in the casket with me and if possible someone needs to figure out a way to put a flat panel TV in the lid. I see no reason to change my lifestyle just because it finally killed me. I also want my best friend to stand at the head of my casket and every time someone says "She looks so good!", she is to respond "No bitch, she doesn't, she looks dead!" In the event she goes first I am not to attend the viewing or the funeral, I am to sneak back to her house and clean out the safe so no one sees the paper trail of the many things no one knows about but me.

8.    Resolution: I will not make excessive fun of immediate or extended family members.
       Reality: You did notice that key word "excessive", didn't you? If some of these people did not live the lives of ghetto wolves in heat then I would not have material to work with. They don't get that. They also don't get that there are only two reasons I attend family reunions, the food and the total guarantee that at least one of them, if not more, are going to do something that is outrageous and/or beyond belief stupid.  Forcing me to take notes on my cell phone until I can get home to blog it and share their ignorance with the world. I feel it my duty to record family history.

9.    Resolution: I will not face every situation with humor.
       Reality: Yes, I will. Enough said.

10.  Resolution: I will give up all my reality TV shows.
       Reality: What and not watch the next trainwreck?! I HAVE to hear about Kim's vagina, Nene's money, Sheri's wonderfulness(according to her), Taylor's lips, the mean girls Kyle and Kim, Vicky's screaming woo hoo fits, Alexis's world of God, Tamra's skankiness, Teresa's world of illusions, and Caroline's obsession with her sons.  Of course another big draw is the music video's they release. Is there not one of the Housewives franchises that can come up with even one mediocre singer? I really NEED to know how Todd is going to tolerate another second of whiny Laura and what foolish thing they spend money on next. I HAVE to see what little ugly child is going to be painted up and paraded out next on Toddler's and Tiara's while crazy Mom is in the background gyrating and yelling "Sparkle baby, sparkle!", I NEED a weekly fix of Troy on the bayou catchin' gators, I may be in love with that man. Would my Mob Wives really be able to get by without my watching them?  The Bad Girls Club would not run right without me sitting at home on the couch screaming "Smash her head up against the wall, she won't get back up then!". I am truly addicted to any show on the telly that has the word "reality" attached to it. I suck them up like a sponge.  I could possibly miss the next child that Michelle Duggar, aka Uber Uterus gives birth too. I mean it's not like I won't get to see it repeated again in 9 months.