Monday, January 23, 2012

Tainting the Zombie Pool

I don't sleep, hardly ever. Well without medication anyway. Maybe I am afraid that all the people I have made fun of in my blogs are going to all get together and pay me a visit some night seeking revenge. Maybe all the ghosts I have encountered in my years of ghost hunting with my team are finally going to get pissed at being disturbed and gang up on me. Maybe I spent too many years on 3rd shift. What if one of my grown children decides to move back home in the middle of the night, I would need time to make sure all doors and windows are bolted and locked up tight before they gain entrance. What if my Chihuahua snaps and decides to attack me? What if I actually slept for four straight hours and didn't snack, I might die of malnourishment.  What if I missed an episode of the Steve Wilkos show? What if a hot vampire shows up and I miss it because I fell asleep? What if my neighbors get into a knock down drag out fight in the parking lot and I don't get to watch it? What if aliens come after my pug? We won't even discuss what Bigfoot could do to me if I am not on guard!  All valid concerns.

When I do sleep, it's very lightly. I have to have complete darkness and silence (not a good thing to require when living with a teenage boys). Opening my bedroom door, the heat kicking on, a water drip,a buggy crashing into the parking stall at the Walmart 2 miles away and the ticking of Big Ben in England is all it takes to wake me up. I do not wake up coherent so conversation of any kind with me is a crap shoot and I am not going to remember it the next day. Which is exactly why the Zombies are going to show up here one night to recruit me for their gang. I would make a perfect Zombie. Zoned out, always hungry, prefer the night hours, clumsy and incoherent. Those suckers ever form a group to rid the world of all small children and anyone over the age of 80 still holding a valid drivers license I will be begging them to make me their bitch.

So with all this in mind when they issued tornado warnings last night I had no concern. I figured if I was already on high alert against all the evil night things what was one more? I would be ready to snatch up my Adam Lambert look alike kids, my flat faced pug, my hateful chihuahua, my car keys and take shelter.  I have no idea why I always have to take my car keys, odds are if the storm hits and blows everything away my car isn't going to be sitting in the driveway in pristine driving condition.  Still I always grab them. The Chihuahua, at only 4 lbs, is of no concern since he is permanently glued to my side anyway I can just tuck him up under a boob and keep him safe. Did I mention I can't pass the pencil test? My loss, the Chihuahua's gain. So I settled down with my Kindle to read for a bit (Chihuahua already in his "safe place") since regular programming was so rudely interrupted by severe weather coverage. The next thing I know I wake up to a barrage of text messages and missed phone calls asking about our safety. I have no idea what they are talking about until I turn on the news. Tornadoes and destruction all around me and I slept through it all. Me who wakes up at the sound of the plants growing at night slept through 60 mph winds, hail the size of baseballs, thunder, lightening and torrential rains.  Un-medicated. Amazed I asked one of the Adam Lambert look alikes if he slept through it too. Amazingly he answered no, he was mixing music. I ask why he didn't wake me up and he looks at me dead serious and says "I didn't think it was that bad." Really? What was it that failed to clue you in? Was it the house next door blowing down, the sirens going off, the weather radio blaring, the trees falling down all around or could it possibly be that the weather man on television screaming "Take cover now!" was unclear to you in some way? I think it's safe to say he doesn't have a future in meteorology or emergency management.

Thank God the storm kept  all the night creatures from coming after me last night! Then again maybe they missed the perfect opportunity to get me while sleeping because they were afraid that my son inherited his intelligence from me and they didn't want me to taint the Zombie gene pool.


  1. Um....I'm really glad you got some much-needed rest? And...I'm really glad that you didn't get sucked up into a tornado?

    It sounds like you really needed the sleep and your body gave in. Glad the zombies took the night off, those cowards. Scared of a little tornado. Yeesh.

    1. I know Jo, good Zombies are getting hard to find these days!

  2. Ever seen that cartoon around the web the big fat lady with the Chihuahua stuck in her ass? Sometimes I am afraid to sit down if I don't know where he you going to explain something like that in the ER?

  3. I am exactly the same - VERY poor sleeper, need silence, dark...and yet live with a 25 yr old with a drum kit.

    However, if I have had enough consecutive bad nights I will eventually fall into something resembling a coma. As a result of this I once slept through a (very rare for the UK, even more so where I live in the South) hurricane.
    I got up the next day to take Son to school to find all the trees uprooted and when I got home looked in my garden and there was next doors shed on it's roof outside my kitchen window.

    And I have a cat that lives the same place as your dog.
    But unlike the dog he's fat - bloody impossible to type when he's there so we watch youtube videos of birds instead.

    1. No drum kit here, guitars, very loud guitars. Occasionally the cords become "misplaced", he still hasn't figured out he isn't the one "misplacing" them.