Monday, January 2, 2012

Emails To Me and My Answers

It never ceases to amaze me when people actually take time to send you an email and critique what you have written in a blog when it is so obvious the writer does not give one red cent about offending anyone or they wouldn't have written it in the first place.  At the same time I can NOT stop myself from answering some of them, it's my entertainment. This blog while new here, is not really new, I recently moved here and frankly I was to damn lazy to move all the posts from the other one here. Someday I may get around to it, but more likely than not I won't. I just have to share a few of them with you. I have removed all identification from these emails and will only give you their question and my answer.

Q  Don't you think it's mean to talk bad about your children like you do? Your always talking like you don't like them.
A  I can not help the fact that I have children that are not loving and sweet on a daily basis. My children are human (although we are still debating that fact) and that makes them, by nature, only tolerable on good days. They have even been known to tell me not to forget to blog it when one of them does something incredibly stupid, which on average is at least once a day. Someday I will turn one of them loose to blog for me, just not the one I suspect is possessed, then you will see that it is ME that is truly the victim in this house.

Q Do you really have cats? You only show pictures of your dogs. I love cats, show me more of your cats!
A I have never, in any post, stated that I have cats. I am allergic to them, not to mention they are sneaky little creatures that bore me. There are only so many times I can watch a cat swat something across the floor or sharpen their nails on the furniture before I want to poke my eyes out with the closest sharp object.

Q Don't you feel bad when you talk about people? I bet they cry.
A Not in the least. I live for talking about people. I go on people watching trips so that I don't miss any really dumb ones. Where did you say you lived?

Q I was reeding your blog today about the fat woman in the maull. You upset me every day when I reed your blog.
A Then for your health I would suggest you NOT read my blog every day. It's not required reading you know. Oh and at the risk of offending you once again, may I suggested you use a good spell checker program when sending emails?

Q Are you as hateful in person as you are on the blog?
A No, sometimes I am much worse. Depends on how much pug snot I have had to clean up on any given day. Seriously? You don't think I have a sweet, loving personality?

Q I don't think you should talk about Jim Bob and Michell Duggar the way you do, it's not nice. It might hurt their feelings.
A Well, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if I were you, I don't think either one of them is smart enough to read a blog. But if it would make you feel better the next time I write a blog about them I will post NIKE in big letters at the beginning to warn them. Better yet how about BIRTH CONTROL IS YOUR FRIEND!, that would probably turn them away faster.

Q Would you write a blog about Jim Munroe?
A I don't know who Jim Munroe is but if you will send him to my house to do something crude, dumb, rude or to just piss me off in general I will be happy to write about him. Unless of course Jim use to be Jill then I could probably whip something up without the visit. Let me know when he will arrive.

Q Do you make money blogging?
A Yes, last week was my biggest check yet, I spent both dollars at the Dollar Tree.

Q Were you funny when you were a little girl?
A Well my Dad thought so, my Mom not so much. I honestly don't think I'm funny now, it's the world and people around me that are funny.

Q Do you know that you used your instead of you're in paragraph 3 of your I Hate Public Schools post?(this one was from a teacher, my foul language in that post was horrible and this teacher was only concerned that I used the wrong word, proving my point that F U C K is alright as long as you don't misspell it)
A Obviously you were not educated in the public school system. Had you been you would never have been able to pick that out. I am so sorry, I will turn my Ph.D in immediately, I so clearly don't deserve it!

Q Do you really wear a snowflake robe all the time?
A Not always when I know guests are coming I wear the Daffy Duck one. That's my "dressy" robe.

Q Is your dog's face suppose to be flat like that or is something wrong with it? (this was about my pug)
A Flat face? I didn't notice a flat face. I hope she didn't do that running into walls all the time. I will be making an appointment with the Vet today to have this checked out, thank you for bringing it to my attention. Do you think there could be something wrong with her tail too since she won't straighten it out?
(He writes back)Your welcome, I'm glad your taking her to the doctor some owners would just let something like that go and the dog might die. I'm not sure about the tail. Your doctor can probably answer that when he checks out her face.

Q Hey, didn't you write a book once? I think I read it.
A No, but I have read several People magazines over the years so I'm pretty smart.

Q Why didn't you answer my last email? (this from a southern baptist woman that had spent weeks sending me mail and calling me a heathen because I am Catholic)
A I'm sorry, I didn't have time. We had several rituals to perform and since it was my child we were sacrificing I had to wear the black robe. Good thing I had four children, it took us two tries to get it right. Of course this now only leaves me one child for the big spring sacrifice coming up in April, that's a bummer. (I never heard from her again)


  1. HAHAHAHAHA! (Breathe) Hahahaha!(draws breath once again) Hahahahaha! (chokes on saliva from laughing too much) Oh my, LOVED this post, (As if you couldn't tell) especially the last one concerning child sacrifice.

    Funniest post I've read in bloody ages!!

    1. I will invite you over for the next sacrifice, but it is BYOK (bring your own kid)!

  2. Just what I needed to start the work day off right.

    1. Thank you Pauley, it's nice to know I made someone's day a little brighter.

  3. Howling! OMG, Shea, this is hysterical! And where is that pug of yours with the "flat face?" I must see that lovely furry friend! I don't know if you know this, but I'm a hard core dog lover! The person who wrote the email about the flat dog face and replied to your tongue in check "tail" comment, had me rolling on the floor! I'm a glutton for punishment, as in, my sides hurt from giggling, so, like the Terminator, I'll be back! :)

    1. You can find my little flat face on her own blog:

  4. Are you messing with us?? Did you REALLY get these emails?? lol If so, they are nuttier than a fruitcake!!!

    1. Unfortunately they are real and so were my answers. I have more I am going to put up in sometime in another post.

  5. Unfortunately I really got them Suzy, those and a whole lot more. I got so many emails about the emails I am going to put more up in another post later. Thanks for coming by!