Wednesday, January 18, 2012

An Unusual Love Story

Demon Seed asks if his friend can spend the night last night. Usually I don't care but he has two friends that will usually always get a no from me and one that definitely gets a no. It's one of the great mysteries of the world as to why he even continues to ask, but he does. The first of these boys can't stay because my Chihuahua hates the kid with the fire of a thousand suns and will not shut up the whole time he is in our house. Poor kid has never done anything to the dog and we have tried everything to smooth over whatever hurt feelings my Chi has, all to no avail so in the interest of my sanity and the kid's safety they have to be friends outside of my house. This is understood and considering his fear of my 4 lb Chihuahua the kid is more than willing to oblige. The second of these boys can't stay because it is very obvious to anyone who comes into contact with him that he has been raised by wolves that don't have regular access to food and drink and have had very little human socialization. The definate No-No of the bunch is like Eddie Haskell (Leave it to Beaver) who grew up and joined the mob. This kid smiles in your face and let's the compliments flow smoothly off his lips, however, it is important to keep his hands and feet in view at all times because he will steal you blind the first chance he gets. This one has now been banished by all parents and is quickly becoming a distant, if unpleasant, memory.

In a Klonopin induced haze I agreed to let Wolfie stay the night here last night. Wolfie is about 150 lbs overweight, not hard to understand if you ever saw him around food. Maybe I caved because I get such amusement out of seeing him, at 5'3" and 300 pounds standing next to my 6'3" skinny son. Whatever my reason, I soon regretted it, as I always do. But he did bring his own snacks, a lot of snacks. This kid actually came in the house with a large bag of McDonald's fries, burgers and pies, a bag of  12 Wendy's hamburger's, 2 bags from the grocery store full of chips, cookies and candy, a 12 pack of Coke, a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper and a 6 pack of Chocolate YooHoo's to get him through his estimated 12 hour stay here. The first words out of his mouth, before hello, was "You made homemade chicken pot pie!" (it was on the kitchen island cooling off, he probably smelled it when he got out of the car in the parking lot). He puts his stash down, get's a plate and scooped out out half of the 9 x 12 Pyrex baking dish with the pot pie in it. Get's a coke out of the fridge (guess the ones he brought weren't cold enough for him yet) and sits down to eat. About half way through his meal, which in Wolfie time would be about 30 seconds, he finally looks up and says "Where is The Boy?" It was a little hard to answer with my mouth hanging open like it was. My son told me later he knew Wolfie was here when he heard the silverware rattling in the drawer and he was trying to get to him before he got to the food. I told him I understood and not to feel bad because there is no one in the world fast enough to catch Wolfie before he can start on food. It just isn't physically possible. My son escorts Wolfie and his snacks back to his room and it was fairly quite for the next couple of hours. At one point I literally caught myself sneaking around trying to be as quiet as possible in my own kitchen because I knew if that kid heard the sound of a dish clinking he would immediately come running. This was proven a few minutes later when I was putting food in the dogs dishes and he heard the bag rattling and came to investigate. Denied food I don't think Wolfie would hesitate to eat one of my dogs. I slid a plate of cupcakes in Wolfie's direction to confuse him long enough to pick up the Chihuahua and get him to safety out of the kitchen area. The next time I see him he is passing through my den, two cupcakes in one hand, one cupcake in the other hand and visible icing tracks of the one he had stuffed in his mouth mumbling "These are some good cupcakes". His sideways glance at the Chihuahua told me I needed to up the security on the dogs until he left.

I have a rule here, no one sleeps on my sofa but me. I have insomnia and sometimes get up in the middle of the night and wander into the den to watch TV or read. Finding someone on my sofa is like an assault on my personal space to me. I get crabby, it's well known and no one crosses that line. My son has all the conveniences in his room, a bed, a sofa, a big flat panel TV, xBox, Playstation, the wimpy Wii, 2 laptop computers,a desktop computer and a mini fridge. There is no reason any of his friends need to invade my den to sleep, watch TV, scratch their ass or anything else. I didn't sleep well last night, possibly because of the need to guard the dogs, go into the den and what do I find? Yep, Wolfie. But he was smart enough NOT to get on my sofa. Instead he had pulled my comforter (I always keep one on the back of the sofa), the sofa pillows and one of the dogs blankets off into the floor to make himself a "bed", I am assuming he felt comforted by the fact that the den is so close to the kitchen. Now that was bad enough but he actually had his head laying in one of the dog beds! Did he crawl in there in pursuit of one of the dogs, they weren't there so he was laying in wait? I decided to not throw my usual fit and just leave him there, after all when Wolfie is asleep he isn't eating and everyone wins. He is snoring like crazy so I feel it safe to get myself a snack from the kitchen. I put my brownie in the microwave, heat it up and return to the den. When I sat down I looked over at Wolfie to make sure he wasn't awake and going to attack me for the brownie and there he was, still sound asleep. Except his nose was twitching, rhythmically, and then I realized what was happening. This kid apparently can even smell and respond to food odors in a deep sleep state! Amazing, his nose twitched until the last bite of brownie was gone and then suddenly stopped and the snoring resumed. I finally decided to return to the safety of my room in case the genes of his wolf ancestors took over and he decided to come after me. It was no longer just the dogs safety I feared.  This kid could eat us all and no one would find us for hours, we would end up on one of those true crime television shows. Worse yet we could be the main focus for a "When Animals Attack" episode. I had visions of this in my head. There I would be in my bloodied living room, all flesh sucked off of my bones and clutching the bones of my Chihuahua tightly to my chest while investigators had a snarling, growling Wolfie trapped in the corner just waiting for Animal Control to get here, my son standing in the hallway screaming "Tranquilize him!!! He will go for us next, he has't fed in two hours!"

I wake up this morning to Wolfie singing happily in the kitchen, he is in his element and it brings him joy. I go in to find my kitchen a disaster area, Wolfie proudly in the middle of it all with a big grin on his face making breakfast burritos. I quickly look around to find my pug, considering her fat rolls, and the unavailability of the Chihuahua, I thought she might have become a target, but she is safe. A deep friendship has formed. Two beings who both have an uncontrollable, all consuming love affair with food have found each other. Kindred spirits. They are one. He shares his burrito with her and baby talks to her. Her fat butt is wiggling in joy and so is his. All is good in their world and everything important to them is present.

For them, at that moment, they need nothing nor anyone else.  Just one little fat pug, one little fat boy and that breakfast burrito. A match made in heaven.

10 comments:

  1. I'm confused...how did you not rip his heart out through his chest cavity?

    I go into throes of depression when the Spawn is in the house, let alone some obnoxious he-wolf.

    Hilarious all the same!

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    1. Because he put on a good show and I am always up for cheap entertainment. LOL

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  2. That is a pug for you they are wherever the best chance of food is.
    Funny post, but I feel sorry for Wolfie.

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    1. Wolfie is just fine as long as he has access to food. Thanks for coming by!

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  3. I adore your writing style!

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    1. Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it! Thanks for stopping in.

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  4. See good things happen when you let the crazies in. Now your pug is happy as a clam with his kindred spirit.

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    1. Yes, but just in case I bathe the dog before he comes just to make sure there is no residual bacon grease left on the dog from her morning snack. You just can't be too careful.

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  5. Son had a friend who I once heard telling another "drink some of the juice - jane always buys really nice juice, not the stuff my Mum gets " (I like hi-juice squash).

    This was fine - I always told them to help themselves to drinks, but one day this same friend (who lived about five doors down) knocked my door, I explained Son was out and he said "I don't want to see him, I just wondered if I could have a drink"..

    How could I refuse ?

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    1. This would be so typical of my second youngest's friends. Her friends(mostly male, which I guess according to my mother makes her a slut)would always come by to visit with me. They were always asking me if I wanted to go "hang out with them" or telling her "let's just stay here and talk to your Mom".

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