The Phone Call

I almost hate to share this. I have always considered myself to be fairly intelligent and aware of the world around me, I have lived all over the US, gone to college, had many years as a military spouse, have four children and by no means have I ever been considered good nun material. Today I am having to rethink all of that. There can be no other explanation except extreme stupidity AND it happened before I even took a Valium so I can't even blame drugs.

Last night I am sitting here, just me and the dogs enjoying a TV dinner (because I am on a cooking strike this week) and a Johnny Depp movie. It could be that my mind was so wrapped up in seeing Johnny Depp's ass that I was not firing all neurons, he has that effect on me....well, that and a few others. I'm sure he would be just as attracted to me if he could see me sitting on the couch shoveling food in my mouth and fist pumping every time he comes on screen. It's the most basic of primitive responses.

My phone rings and for once I answer it (I like to throw people off once in a while by actually acknowledging that I do know what it means when the phone rings and am capable of having the correct response as opposed to ignoring it like I usually do). A man asks me if I have a few minutes to answer a few survey questions. Now I get excited because someone is actually asking for my opinion on something and not trying to run in the opposite direction with me hanging onto their pant leg dragging along behind them to make them listen. I tell him yes. He starts with just a few basic questions like name (thank God I only gave him my first name so when my he publishes a book someday about idiots he can't actually use my whole name), birthdate, marital status, etc. Then he tells me he works for a large magazine company that is oriented towards women but if at any time I feel uncomfortable answering any question I have the right to refuse. Not a problem for me, talking about any subject has never been an issue, even though many times it should be. He moves on into his next round of questions, for me still fairly mild. I answer them only to be interrupted once by him to be told I don't have to go into as much detail that the short version would be sufficient. I pout a little over this but agree to do it his way, or at least try. He again warns me that I do not have to answer and can call the survey off at any time and says we are moving into block 3 of the questions and they will be little more in depth. He asks questions pertaining to what I find attractive or unattractive in men. I happily answer, it's not often I have an audience so willing to listen to me ramble so  I was taking full advantage of the opportunity. We move on to block 4 and block 5, both with the same warnings and assurances and the questions are now pertaining to my sex life. I admit I had to improvise a little here and did avoid telling him about the cobwebs and vaginal atrophy. Then block 6 happens. He tried, he really did but I guess I was just too much for him. This is when he calls the interview off with this:

"M'am I have been making obscene phone calls for years and I have to tell you, this is the first time I have ever gotten this far without my victim catching on and hanging up. I have never had to actually tell someone they were getting an obscene phone call before now. I didn't even get off."

Guess he has never called anyone high on Johnny Depp before.