Sunday, February 19, 2012

Dear Facebook Gamers...

 Dear Farmville Gamers,
I understand your gaming addiction, really I do. I once went down that road myself. The endless days of planting and harvesting crops. Trapping the little farmer girl. It was hard to trust her, when someone's head is that much bigger than the rest of their body, you have a problem. What if she was like Freddy Kruger and came after me in my dreams, her big head flopping around like a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? I was forced to take the desperate measure of trapping her with those hay bales. Sadly, I felt no guilt and hoped she would starve and die. I was thrilled with every fake dollar I made. With my vast wealth came the animals and I quickly spiraled downhill into a Farmville haze that even Valium couldn't pull me out of. With the arrival of the breeding  I became terrified. I didn't do so well in the breeding plan of real life so how could I possibly breed all these sheep and pigs? Did I even want to try? Then fantasy farms were introduced and I had trouble seeing Lady GaGa and Mickey Mouse as farmers. I realized I might be approaching insanity. I had to get out before a farm on the moon started to seem like a real possibility and make sense to me.

Dear Cafe World Gamers,
When I realized it was not quite right that I so carefully made sure all stoves were cooking good food to serve to my imaginary customers while my own child was eating a bologna sandwich I closed my doors. If I could have somehow found a way to feed my real child the imaginary food then I might have remained in business. When the game became more work than real life,  I stomped on that chef's hat, threw my spatula in the air and ran, leaving my millions behind. If you can figure out a way to break the gingham curtain covered windows and steal all my shit your welcome to it. Ignore the giant ass ape in the corner, I won him, he has been there for months and I never did figure out his purpose, he seems fairly harmless just bouncing up and down from time to time so I don't think he will pose a problem for you.

Dear "the one where you buy and decorate a house and socialize with other losers that have nothing better to do" Gamers,
I'm sorry but I can't even remember the name of the game so it's probably a safe bet to say I wasn't all that into it. I do a lot of graphics so scale is important to me. I do remember there was either little tiny furniture in giant rooms or the furniture was so large my game person would have needed a ladder to get into bed. In fairness, even that was fun for a while. Then the crazies started showing up. I started getting messages from people wanting me to adopt them, men wanting to take me on an imaginary date to an imaginary disco dance and invites to auctions that sold toilet paper holders for millions of dollars. I could half way deal with that, it's not too far off from the shit that happens in my real world. Except maybe the adoption part, there is no child in this world that would choose to be raised by me after seeing the banshee children I produced. I'm sorry, but you people are too weird even for me, and believe me it takes a lot to be too weird for me. I locked my house and left town. Please don't call the imaginary police to have them search for me, I was not kidnapped by imaginary gunpoint. I left of my own free will. If I could have figured out a way to have my character commit suicide so you all would have logged into my house to see  "me"  hanging from an over sized door frame, I would have done so. Unfortunately the game has limitations.

Dear Treasure Isle Gamers,
Yeah, I got really tired of trying to find space to put all the shit you win on that square inch of land provided. Plus, I'm not much of a swimmer so being on that island wasn't an ideal living arrangement for me anyway. Not being into hard work all the missions didn't work for me either. It was a lose, lose situation and I bounced in my boat and headed for solid ground.

I have blocked the apps many times but they always manage to unblock somehow. They may be evil. Save yourself while there is still time. I saved myself months ago, I don't game and don't do requests. I have sent you all messages stating this. It seems you have chosen to ignore them.  Please stop sending me requests and gifts, your clogging up my page and right now getting use to the new Timeline is sucking all the life energy out of me. I have nothing left to fight you gamers off with. Have mercy.



  1. Okay so this is what's up. Cafe World held my heart. loved it. But then my husband made a snide comment about it and that was the day I proud of my cold turkey moment). That shit was dangerously addicting.

    I also dabbled in mafia wars (ps - that's where The Dirty Bird name came from - it was my mafia name that my husband gave me and I fell in love . . . I don't even know why, it just felt perfect for me ;-)

    I block every game request that comes my way. It really is exhausting - and that's a really shitty thing that Facebook does. You have to spam the shit out of your friends to move up in their games. Assholes.

    1. We are survivors! FB needs a group page for reformed game players.

  2. If you go into the settings you can block all platform games.
    End of.

    Way I see it if I want a cake I want a real one with chocolate and cream, one I can really eat, and if I want to see a zoo I will go to a real one.

    1. Thanks! Never realized I could block them all and I have done just that!

  3. And this is why I no longer have a Facebook account...that and the fact that I got banned for stalking my ex...