Sunday, February 5, 2012

Searching For The Good In Him

I received a wedding invitation in the mail this past week and could not work up one ounce of happiness for the couple about to enter into that pit of hell. I can admit that my feelings probably originate from my own experience in the arena. I think I will stay home and just send my condolences to the unfortunate couple. I might find it too tempting to give the bride a printed list of "Ways To Get Revenge When You Discover What An Ass He Really Is".

This got me to thinking about how much I enjoy being single again. I couldn't even contain my joy at the courthouse on the day my divorce was finalized. I honestly did not intend for that happy high pitched squeal of "Thank you sweet baby Jesus!" to come out so loudly. Yes Mom, I DO realize that I could have at least waited until the judge had left the room, but did you see the smile on his face? Aren't you at least a tiny bit proud that I didn't get the champagne glasses out of my purse in the courtroom and pour everyone a drink to celebrate?  You also took note that I didn't shoot my ex the bird finger until we were in the parking lot, didn't you?  I think that showed maturity and restraint on my part. Give me a little credit here.

Do you detect the bitterness? I have tons of bitterness. I have bitterness to spare. I have enough bitterness for all of us. But I have to admit that I find revenge rather a fun concept and do enjoy making his life a living hell at every turn. I am the poster child for Carrie Underwood's song "Before He Cheats".

He is in therapy now to deal with his mid-life crisis and a while back his therapist ask him to make amends to all he wronged and then to ask those people to write a letter to him praising his good points.  He ask our children(they declined, we have intelligent children) and I to write one of these "letters". After I got back up off the floor from my laughing fit my first thought was that I wanted thank this obviously stupid therapist, whom I have never met, for giving me this golden opportunity.

This was my letter to his therapist:

To Whom It May Concern,
 I lived with this lying sneaking cheat for 27 years and I tried to find good things to say about him for this project. Unfortunately for him, I came up short only being able to think of three things, he makes pretty babies, he makes a lot of money and pays his alimony on time. Now that we have the niceties out of the way let's move on to to some raw honesty.

This was my letter to him:

Dear ________,
 Wanting to be fair to you and not being able to think of any virtues you have, except the three listed above, I have polled my side of the family, your former co-workers, friends and neighbors to help me write this. Sadly they couldn't think of anything good about you either. So I moved on to your side of the family.  I might add here that, unlike you and your gold diggers(past, present and sometimes overlapping), I am still welcome in their homes and we still spend holidays and important occasions together.  They don't have anything good to say about you anymore either. I do apologize for this letter being a little late but finding people that like you is not easy and I have had to reach further back in our past in my attempt to do so. I did find a couple acquaintances that we have not seen in years that looked promising, however upon my explaining everything to them they were hard pressed to think of anything good either. But I still had hope, you see I got the invitation for your high school reunion in the mail and instead of forwarding it on to you (I do apologize for that) I decided to attend myself. To help you with your therapy, of course. Never having attended that school myself I did hesitate for a brief moment but decided it was in your best interest that I try to interview as many of your classmates as possible for good things to say about you.  It was going really good, only one person brought up your vomiting in the back seat of their car your senior year, but he was laughing about it so I don't think he holds it against you. I thought I was finally going to be able to finish this letter you requested but then some wise ass had to go and ask me what you have been up to for the past few years. Since I am big on honesty I felt it only right to tell them everything. I'm afraid it has colored their opinion of you slightly and the only thing I came away with was "He was a hell of a good football player." Does that help you any?

I'm afraid I have no more time to devote to helping you figure out why you're such an asshole. You may just have to accept the fact that you are one and move on. I can try to contact those that you went to elementary school with for you, once I explain what this all about maybe they can think of something good to say. After all children and assholes do see the world in a different way than the rest of us. Let me know what you want me to do.

Oh and one other thing, I have informed the IRS that you illegally signed my name on those tax returns three years ago. Since you have moved since then I gave them your current address and work place information as they have shown an interest in talking to you about this.

Have a nice weekend.



  1. LMFAO! Oh Shea, you bad, bad, bad girl!
    Remind me NEVER to get on the wrong side of you.

    Brilliant, as always.

    1. I think he must say that to himself every once in a while too. Except for the brilliant part, I doubt that is a word he associates with me. LOL