Friday, February 17, 2012

My But She's Pretty Child

In all fairness to my Forever Child I have decided to also showcase his brother and sisters.  I am working from youngest (Forever Child) to the oldest (Nobody's Fool Child).  But She's Pretty Child is my second youngest. But She's Pretty Child lives in Nashville with her fiance, who is an attorney for the state. I worry about him because sooner or later there is going to be a formal state dinner they will have to attend and But She's Pretty Child has even less filter on her mouth than I do and will not hesitate to let them all know her opinion on "stuffy" people. I really hope he is keeping his job options open or buys a bedazzled muzzle for her.

This one keeps me endlessly entertained and amused, she says it's her life's calling. She is the most like me, willing to do anything, finds humor in everything, has even less filter than I do, has a filthy mouth, loves giving gifts and has a knack for picking out just the right thing for somebody, the most unselfish person I know , she can make a bad day good in under 5 minutes, we can communicate without saying a word, like me she is blunt and to the point, she is totally devoted to her friends, she can see my ghosts but refuses to speak to them because they "creep her out" and "invade her privacy",  and she loves my Pug. We do not embarrass easily but that doesn't keep us from trying, it's our game and one of our favorite mother daughter activities.

I tell you all of this as a prelude because to me it is totally amazing that she is even here. When she was 18 yrs old while joking around with me she collapsed. This child went from doing a silly dance in the middle of my kitchen to being in a coma and on total life support in 20 minutes. She did not wake up or breath on her own again for 3 months. To this day the doctors, and she had about 30 of them at  one of the largest top rated hospitals in the US, have no idea what was wrong with her. Every test they ran came back negative, as result we will forever be left wondering if it is going happen again. That night her father and I were told she had less than a 1% chance of survival, that they had never seen anyone as sick she was live. Being in the medical field myself, I also had never seen anyone that sick live. The next day and for several weeks after we were advised daily to turn off her life support, that even if she did wake up she would most likely never walk, talk or breath on her own. We refused, if you can't tell me what is wrong with my child then you can't tell me what the outcome is going to be. Thank God we didn't listen to them. Today my "vegetable" is totally normal, no lasting side effects and is in nursing school.

Now before you see But She's Pretty Child as a saint let me quickly point out that sainthood is not in her past, present or future. Her nickname is Griff, short for grifter. She is undoubtedly one of the best grifters you will ever see. I wonder sometimes if I got drunk and fucked a gypsy to have this child. I am probably the only person in the family that she has not been able to run a grift on, I am wise to her.  As for all her intelligence, and she is very intelligent, she can sometimes enter a "Marilyn Monroe State of Mind" that will blow you away.

This conversation needs a little background to understand it.  But She's Pretty Child's best friend in the world is gay and they have been friends since they were very young. He is the only male in the world that regularly had sleep overs with my teenage daughter, he has lived with us for extended periods of time over the years and I consider him one of my children. She would die for him and the feeling is mutual. He is very ill now having been born with only 1 kidney that functioned at 50%. Gradually through the years the kidney declined even more and finally has stopped functioning at all. He is on dialysis and at the top of the transplant list. He has a rare blood type and a match will most likely not come in time. I overheard this conversation between the two of them right after he went on the transplant list when they were about 17 yrs old. This also explains why we call her But She's Pretty Child.

But She's Pretty Child:You can't die on me, I just won't allow it.
BFF: I don't want too but they probably won't ever be able to find a kidney for me
But She's Pretty Child: Yes they will. It's a shame you need a kidney since I only have one of those, if it was a liver I could give you one of mine.
BFF: *looking at her in awe* How many livers and kidneys do you think you have:
But She's Pretty Child: Same as everyone else, except you,  2 livers and 1 kidney.

By now BFF is laughing hysterically and she is totally oblivious as to why. He comes looking for me and tells me the story not knowing I have overheard it myself and am already doubled over laughing. He follows up the story by looking at me and saying "But she's pretty....that's a good thing, she is going to need it" To this day when something like this comes out of her mouth we look at each other and say "But....she's pretty!" Don't laugh people remember this girl is in nursing school and may be YOUR nurse someday. Now doesn't that make you feel better?

One of her favorite things in the world to do is prank call. Harmless pranks. loyal BFF and sometimes Mom at her side:

But She's Pretty Child: "Can you make hamburgers for 1200 guests?", "Is Ronald going to be available to officiate, it wouldn't be the same without him", "You will open all those ketchup packets for me ahead of time, right?", "Well I would like to have the arches set up and the balls from the bouncer spread around the grounds, I want my guests to have the total experience."
She has called McDonald's and ask them if they will cater her wedding.

But She's Pretty Child: I need a cab.
Other Person: We don't have cabs, this is a restaurant.
But She's Pretty Child: Then why is your name "Yellow Cab"?
Other Person: I don't know, it just is.
But She's Pretty Child: Cool, what time will the cab be here?
Other Person: I told you we don't have cabs, that is just our name, we serve food.
But She's Pretty Child: In the cab?
Other Person: *speaking very slowly to get the point across* No, we don't have cabs and we don't serve food in cabs.
But She's Pretty Child: Oh, Ok, well then could you ask your boss if he can swing by here and pick me up? I'm still going to need a ride.

This goes back and forth for a good 10 minutes. She is talking to the Yellow Cab Diner.

She is driving and we pull up to the Taco Bell window to order. She places a long order....for chinese food.

She told Forever Child when he was 6 yrs old that one day she bit his toe off and the doctors had sewn on another toe that belonged to some dead kid. He cried inconsolably for days wanting us to take that dead toe back off.

She refers to going to the pharmacy for prescriptions as  "making drug run", it took a while to calm down my parents. I don't think my mother has ever really believed she was picking up medication at the pharmacy  instead of out buying drugs.

She lives to embarrass her very religious grandmother. Gram lives in fear of going anywhere public with But She's Pretty Child.  A few of her favorites are:

Waiting until they are in church and announcing:

But She's Pretty Child:  Gram, your going to have to stop asking me for condoms every day, I can't afford to supply both yours and mine.
Gram: Shhh, everyone can hear you!
But She's Pretty Child: Oh Gram, there is nothing to be ashamed of , they probably have sex too.  *pretending she is getting ready to stand up* Do you want me double check with the Priest just to make sure it isn't against our religion?
Gram: Oh Sweet Jesus, NO!

Checking into a motel with Gram

But She's Pretty Child: It is Ok if she has her john's come, isn't it? They won't be here long. We are going to need the money for gas to get the rest of the way home.
Gram: Oh my goodness! I don't know what your talking about, I don't have john's!
But She's Pretty Child: Call them what you want Gram, doesn't matter to me as long as they pay.

At the grocery check out with Gram who had just unloaded all the groceries to find 10 bottles of wine But She's Pretty Child has hidden under all the other groceries. Busy talking to the cashier and not paying attention to what she was getting out of the buggy Gram is holding one bottle of wine in her hands. Gram has never taken a drink of alcohol in her life.

But She's Pretty Child: Gram!!! Are you drinking again? You promised us you would get help.
Gram: *stuttering and close to having a cardiac arrest* I didn't put that in there, I don't know how all that wine got in my cart! *looking around at all the other shoppers* I promise I don't drink, I don't know how this happened!
But She's Pretty Child: Gram, you always say that! Calm down there is no shame in being an alcoholic. Look how good you did getting off of heroin, we can't even see your track marks anymore. You will kick this too, it's just going to take a little longer.

At the car dealer helping Gram pick out a new car. Salesman right there with them.

But She's Pretty Child: Gram, are you sure you want to get a smaller car?
Gram: Yes, I just don't need one that big anymore.
But She's Pretty Child: OK, if your sure, but you're going to have to change some of your habits and start getting a motel room, your not going to have enough room to fuck in that backseat.
Gram: *not realizing what she is saying is making it worse* (to clarify here,"the BJ" is Gram's dog) Would you stop talking like that?! I only need enough room for the BJ.
But She's Pretty Child: Gram, I don't think you can even do blow jobs in that tiny back seat.

Gram brings her home and returns to shop for a new car alone. At a different dealer.

My phone rings at 3 am.

But She's Pretty Child: Mom, one of your ghosts is here, would you tell it to leave.
Mom: You tell it, I am busy, we have trauma's coming in.
But She's Pretty Child: Mom please! You know I don't like to talk to them!
Mom: Griff, seriously, just tell it to leave, I can't deal with this right now, there is too much going on here.
But She's Pretty Child: Ok, but it's going to be your fault if it gets lost, you know I can't give directions.

You have to love this child!


  1. It's a shame she's engaged because I think Son might just meet his match with her.
    We have spent most of his life playing pranks on each other and our friends.
    They would so get on.

    Great stories Shea, but now the thing I want to hear more about is the ghosts.

    1. Well I have just read ALL of your blog Shea !
      Yay, housework avoided. Ok I'm kidding - I don't do housework, but anyway mostly you made me laugh but you also made me cry.

      Left a few comments, but then I stopped because fucking captcha hurts my eyes :)

    2. You actually read through this whole mess?! Your a brave woman Cowgirl. If I write about my ghosts people will think I am crazy, and God forbid anyone read my blog and think I am crazy. LOL

  2.'s official...I think I love you!

    1. Thanks Lily, but are you sure? Remember this child is the one that seems to have gotten all my genes so it just gives you a general idea of what I am really like. What other Mother do you know would send her child a text at 5 am that says "Good morning, Twat Waffle!" and have that child text back "It's snowing outside here Slut!"? We could possibly be certifiable. Glad you enjoyed it!

  3. Oh, she and I could have SUCH a good time together!

    1. She is hilarious and we do have the best time together, even when she is in Nashville and I am here in Alabama we can spend hours on the phone just acting stupid. Never a dull moment when this one is around.