Monday, February 20, 2012

My I Did It Child

You spend months preparing for that first child. Reading all the books, soaking up all the advice from relatives who have been down that path before you. I heard how wonderful those first movements would be. I heard how I was going to be overcome with a love that I had never felt the first time I saw him. Looking in the mirror everyday to see if your showing yet so the whole world will be able to tell at a glance that you are entering this magical land of motherhood.  Fearing the pain of labor and delivery was a big one for me, hell I can't tolerate a hangnail let alone having my vagina shredded. I was assured I would forget all about this pain the minute I laid eyes on him.

I bought into all these fantasies until about the 7th  month of my pregnancy. It was then I had to face the fact that I came from a family of liars.

I was not pregnant with a normal cute little baby. This thing never stopped moving and could only be a fire breathing demon with eight legs that sadistically took pleasure in kicking my bladder and causing me to piss my pants. By the 8th month I was fairly certain he had also sprouted sharp horns.  I'm sure watching "Rosemary's Baby" did nothing to ease my mind.

 I did not forget the pain, to this day I remember the pain. Until the day I die I have vowed to never let I Did It forget the pain he caused either. I have made it my life's mission.

But the worst lie of all was that "overwhelming love" one they promised me. It wasn't there. I looked at him and felt nothing but tired and glad it was over with. Sure he was a cute kid, but the kid in the room next to me was cute too, maybe even a little cuter. He could have been anyone's child that first day. I worried about how I felt all that day and didn't sleep a bit all night. I stopped praying that God would let me love him, I prayed that he let me tolerate this strange being living in my world for the next 18 yrs. Then it happened, catching me totally off guard. They brought him in and handed him to me and that love did wash over me in giant waves. All of a sudden the baby in the next room was downgraded to stage 2 slightly cute because I had the most beautiful baby in the whole nursery. I don't think I was ever so relieved in my life.

For all the hell he caused before birth he really was the perfect baby. He never cried, he ate anything, slept anywhere you layed him down and was content to occupy himself for hours. This child had more love in his little body than anyone I had ever met. Sounds like a good thing, right? Not really. He was so good and quiet that I once drove 5 miles to take him to a dr's appointment before realizing I had left the child at home. I cried the whole drive back to get him, just knowing that CPS would have already broken out my windows to rescue him and I would never see him again. I ran into the house to find him still strapped in his car seat in the middle of the floor sound asleep.

At age 4 I realized I had a major problem when he cried for hours because a door to door salesman being polite had said "You should come home with me, I have ponies", he was totally heartbroken when he couldn't go. I knew without careful watching he would someday be the best friend of any neighborhood pedophile that offered him candy or ponies. To this day he can see no bad in anyone, only the good things. How he survived childhood in one piece is beyond me.

 Everyone has encountered those children that lie, they never did anything and it was always someone else's fault. I had the opposite problem with I Did It, he confessed to everything.  The child could be out of state visiting my parents when the offense occurred, no possible way he could have been involved and still he would swear he was the one responsible.

He was a great kid, did his own laundry, helped clean house and always came home at least 5 minutes before he had to be home. I had changed my opinion, this child was an Angel not some evil demon seed.

Then he became a teenager and discovered women.

His taste for choosing women from the Courtney Love School of Marriage and Dating was  his downfall. Once in a while he widen the dating pool and cruised Bryce Hospital for The Insane or the State Prison. That and the fact that if had a date that lasted at least 6 hours he was engaged. He had no girlfriend's, he only had fiance's. This child had a knack for choosing the most fucked up whacked out girl in a three county area.

 He even married one. We fondly called her Psycho Bitch. I told him from the beginning something was a little off about this one:

Mom: Does it not bother you that she NEVER looks anyone in the eye, she doesn't even look down like she is shy, her eyes roll up and to the side. I'm telling you, it isn't normal.
I Did It: Mom, you don't like any of my girlfriend's.
Mom: It isn't that I don't like her, well OK I don't, but I am also just a little worried about her murdering us all someday.
I Did It: Mom! She isn't crazy she is unique.
Mom: There are a lot of unique people in jail and asylums, it's not exactly a trait you look for in a wife.
I Did It: You worry too much, I promise it will be OK.

It wasn't. Two days after the wedding her mother calls to tell me that she thinks there is something I need to know. When she was 6 yrs old she went after her grandmother with a butcher knife, they were told at the time that she was mentally unstable and extremely dangerous, she needed long term in hospital care, possibly for life but the parents just couldn't bring themselves to lock her away so they just "dealt" with her "problems". I was floored. My son is off on an isolated honeymoon with "The Bad Seed"(it's a movie, look it up) and she is just now telling me her daughter is dangerously insane? Should this conversation not have taken place months before the wedding, possibly even on the first date? We now had to "deal" with her too and did for the next five years. I Did It finally left the day she tried to smash him against a tree with her car. Poor child has never quite recovered from all the trauma with her and has a fear of marriage now. It did make him a little more cautious and his next few fiance's came from the County Jail, I suppose he thought their crimes were less severe. He doesn't compute that "marriage" isn't the problem it's his taste in  women that he needs to worry about.

He has a really great girlfriend now, I told him he must have actually found her when she was visiting someone in jail since that seems to be where he fiance shops. He doesn't find me near as amusing as I find myself. I love this girl, she is normal. But still I find myself keeping a close watch on her, just in case. I might even jump a little if she moves too fast.

His track record doesn't let me feel completely at ease.



  1. You have a wonderfully honest way of writing about your children. It's nice to see a parent that loves her children in spite of flaws rather than pretending they don't have any.

    1. I have never been under the assumption that my children are flawless and I have never made excuses for them or automatically assumed they were guiltless. Even I Didn't Do It Child's halo tilts from time to time and it definitely has tarnished areas.

  2. Please God! Don't let my kids grow older than 10 for the rest of their lives! Is that too much to ask?

    1. It will happen, it's all part of the greater Children Conspiracy, they draw us in with their cute looks and funny sayings and then at 13 yrs their inner Satan emerges. Just left your blog and the roast was great!

  3. I had "I didn't do it" child - which was odd, as he was the only child. Mostly he blamed the cat.
    Because the cat got up in the middle of the night and ate all the biscuits, which made him so thirty he drank all the milk straight out of the carton, and left the empty on sons bedroom floor to confuse me. (True story).

    1. See another reason I have dogs, you just can't trust a damn cat! The only cat I ever had that I trusted was the one that shit in my ex's shoes one night.

  4. I did go to the toilet before I read this post, yet still I peed my pants a little.

  5. My son is 18, and still in high school. I am curious, excited and scared all at the same time for him to bring home 'the one'.
    After reading this, I will not be picky, I will just pray that she does not own a set of knives.

    Great Post! Hope no relatives come out of hiding with stories for your sons new girl!