My Forever Child
Forever Child #1 aka Demon Seed
Yesterday I buy $400 worth of groceries. Today my 17 yr old walks into the kitchen and asks "What are you cooking for dinner, we don't have anything here to eat". That comment alone doesn't bother me because he is a teenager and will ignore 800 items of food in the fridge or pantry and pull the Ethiopian Starving Children act if the one thing he wants to eat is not there. What worries me is his ability to read a situation based on the clues around him. It is 6:30 pm, the lights are off in the kitchen, no little red glowing light coming from either the stove or the oven, the crock pot and electric skillet are unplugged, the microwave is eerily quiet and there are no cooking aroma's coming from the kitchen. What IS prominently displayed on the kitchen island are a large bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, 2 large containers of mashed potatoes and gravy, 1 large container of slaw, 2 large containers of green beans and 8 biscuits. This he does not see, however he does notice a single package of Ramen noodles missing from the 20 packs I bought yesterday. Did he actually stand there and count to find one missing or is he just so in tune with his Ramen noodles that he immediately felt the pangs of one being gone? The fact that this child was not only with me when I purchased the KFC but he helped carry it into the house only deepens my concern.
Further proof that this is the child that may be with me for the rest of my life, never having developed the ability to live outside a structured environment are:
Mom: *spoken as he is standing on the front porch talking to a friend* Olivia (this weeks flame) called and wants you to call her back as soon as you get home.
Demon Seed: Ok, I will when I get home
Mom: You are home.
Demon Seed: Uh, no not really, I won't technically be home until I come inside the house.
Up until this point I have not been aware that my front porch and yard are a hot vacation spot that is considered foreign territory.
Demon Seed: *calling from his cell phone to the house landline* Where are you?
Mom: If I were not at home then I would not be able to answer the landline, now would I?
Demon Seed: Someone else could be in the house and answering for you.
Me: Using my voice?
Demon Seed: Mom, where are the hair cutting scissors?
Mom: Locked up to keep you from cutting paper with them and dulling the blades again.
Demon Seed: Can I use them to cut this little piece of hair off that is bothering me?
Mom: As long as you don't use them to cut any paper they are for cutting hair only.
Demon Seed: I won't, I promise.
I get the scissors from the safety of the lock box and give them to him. Leaving the box unlocked so he can return them when finished so I wouldn't have to get off my lazy ass and put them up myself.
15 minutes later....
Mom: I haven't heard you put the scissors up yet, don't forget to put them back.
Demon Seed: I will as soon as I finish cutting this poster board.
Mom: I told you not to cut anything else with them!
Demon Seed: No you didn't. You told me not to cut paper with them.
Were my instructions so vague that he couldn't interpret them? Does he really not considered cutting poster board the same as cutting paper? I worry.
Mom: I'm going to bed, don't delete "American Idol" from the DVR in the den, I haven't watched it yet and that is the only television it is set to record on.
Demon Seed: OK, I won't.
The next morning, I sat down to watch "American Idol" and find it deleted...
Mom: Why did you delete "American Idol", I told you not too.
Demon Seed: I watched it. There was some really bad singers on it so I just figured you wouldn't want to watch it.
Mom: No one watches "American Idol" for it's entertainment or intellectual properties. We watch it so we can see Steven Tyler make passes at underage girls and make fun of the bad singers.
Demon Seed: Who is Steven Tyler and why does he hit on underage girls?
Mom: He is the lead singer of the band Aerosmith. He hits on underage girls because he is older than dirt and any woman in his age range is going to have gray hair, wrinkles and the wrong drug connections, it would spoil his rock star image.
Demon Seed: He does drugs?
Mom: It's Steven Tyler, does he look drug free to you?
Demon Seed: Who is Steven Tyler?
Demon Seed: Will you fix this box of hamburger helper for me?
Mom: No, because I don't have any hamburger meat thawed out. Have a hot dog.
Demon Seed: Can't you make it with hot dogs instead?
Demon Seed: Mom, Chloe (a Mastiff we were babysitting) is on her period, I am not going to the store to buy tampons. That would be embarrassing.
Mom: Ok, I will go buy them if you insert them.
Demon Seed: *no hesitation* Ok
If it had not been for torturing the poor dog I would have let him try.
Demon Seed: Can I use your car to go to Zach's house? (Zack lives about 2 miles from us)
Mom: No because I have to leave early in the morning. I don't want to have to stop for gas that early and I will have to if you use my car tonight.
Demon Seed: Then can I use it to go to Ethan's house? (Ethan lives 10 miles away, just in the opposite direction).
He wanted some new jeans because his favorite ones had a hole in the knee. So I gave him the money and he set off for the mall. He comes home two hours later with a brand new pair of jeans that have holes in BOTH knees. He simply does not see the irony in that and thinks it makes perfect sense.
He, along with 3 of his friends decided to walk across the pool cover, as opposed to simply walking around the pool to get to the other side. The outside air temperature was 30 degrees. They were all totally amazed when it sank to the bottom taking them down into the cold water with it. They all declared it a "piece of shit pool cover".
He wants "snake bite" lip piercings and a zombie tattoo. He was advised it would not be in his best interest to hold his breath while waiting for my permission.
He broke his bicycle forks while doing tricks. Then attempts to ride the same bicycle home, only to crash and break his arm.
Mom: Why in the world did you get back on the bicycle knowing that the broken forks are what caused you to wreck the first time?
Demon Seed: *looking at me as if I had just announced I was running off to join the circus sideshow to perform nude with monkeys and midgets* What were the odds of it happening twice in the same day?
Pretty high son, did you miss the part about the forks actually being broken?
Amazingly he is a straight A student. So this people is what all those tax dollars for education is producing. My mother assures me he will outgrow this stage. I need more proof than just her word, after all this is the same woman that declared my sister's newborn son would outgrow that serious case of the uglies he was born with. He didn't. As a result I no longer trust her.
I have visions of this child at age 45 sitting in the recliner in my den. Proudly wearing nothing but his underwear that has the bottles of Tabasco Sauce imprinted on them, jacked up on Mountain Dew and watching reruns of Beavis and Butthead. Occasionally he will get up and wander into the kitchen only to stand in front of the refrigerator door he is holding open, while scratching his ass with the other hand and saying "There isn't anything to eat in this house".
It frightens me.
Forever Child #2 aka The Devil's Advocate
There are actually two of these. One has ask not to be vilified on my blog so I will respect that. OK, I will not post his picture *hint*he looks just like the other one, but I can't promise not to discuss him