Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I Am An Equal Opportunity Offender

I like unusual baby names but there is a fine line between unusual and just plain bat shit crazy ugly.  We all know that keeping a straight face and closed mouth is not my strong point.  My family knows this, my friends know this so why test me? Do they really think that I am going to go to bed one night and after a visit with the Ghost of Rudeness Past wake up nice? When my cousin called me this morning to tell me her daughter has finally decided on a name for her soon to be new baby I think she deserved the reaction she got from me. I am the last person to call for advise or a reaction if your going to do something incredibly stupid. How do you take someone serious who named their own daughter Blaze Star?

Deanna: Blaze and Jonathan have picked out a name for the baby.
Me: Really? What did they decide on and please don't tell me it's another stripper name, you know I will make fun and then you will just get mad.
Deanna: Oh no, and my daughter does not have a stripper name, I got it from a movie.
Me: Yes I know, but it was a movie about a stripper named Blaze. So it's a stripper name.
Deanna: Whatever(cause she is very mature)! Anyway it's a little girl and they are going to name her Calliente LaFlor(she says this with her English accent and then she spells it out for me). I think it's beautiful.
Me: You would. But your right it's not a stripper name. It's a damn good drag queen name though, isn't it?  You do realize your spelling caliente wrong, don't you?
Deanna: No, I didn't, that is the way they are going to spell it, to make it more feminine.
Me: More feminine than what,  "hot flower"?
Deanna: You're not being nice.
Me: You don't call me because I am "nice", if people called me only when I am nice then I wouldn't have to pay a cell phone bill every month because I wouldn't get any phone calls therefor I wouldn't need a phone.
Deanna: Can't you just be happy for me?
Me: I am happy for you, and Blaze too, it's the baby I'm not so happy for. What do Jonathan's parents think of the name?
Deanna: Well, they say they don't like it but Blaze thinks they will change their mind once they get use to it.
Me: You think? It's been 22 years and I'm still not use to Blaze's name. Every time I think of her I see her name on a marquee with flashing lights around it. I will now always see little Calliente LaFlor with a pink feather boa around her neck and manly hands. Is there going to be a baby shower?
Deanna: Yes, but you can't be nice so your probably not going to be invited.
Me: Damn and I had my ticket to London already! I'm sure going to miss the stripper dance.

*click* Well, I warned her she would get mad.

Because it's Wednesday and I have a ton of things that need to be done and I'm always up for a good excuse not to do them, I did a little research on names. This is the very first post I came across on Yahoo! Answers:

i have a slightly ugly but kinda cute baby! i want an ugly cute name like Pudgy or Dooly any suggestions? Thanks...

I don't know if I laughed harder at the question or some of the answers. I also decided nothing could top this post, it pretty much says it all, so I stopped my search and will have to be content with making fun of Blaze and Calliente LaFlor. I will also pray to the fertility gods that she not be allowed to procreate again until she develops better naming skills. I am pretty sure this post is going to get me kicked off the Christmas list this year too, so any gifts you want to send me will be appreciated.

You see I am still on probation for the less than stellar performance my sister and I put on at my uncles's funeral a couple years ago. It's not that I don't appreciate the seriousness of a funeral I just don't happen to believe in all the ceremony. But if you do have to engage in that type of nonsense for God's sake at least get it right and don't chose a funeral home that looks like a bordello or a Las Vegas casino. If you do I am just going to make fun and most likely giggle all the way through the service. What greeted us as soon as we pulled into the parking lot set us both off into a fit of giggles that I was sure we would not recover from and once inside it only got worse. My Mother is still in denial about this tacky funeral and will declare to anyone listening how beautiful it was. She made us throw the pictures we took to share with our friends away.

Two full sized stuffed or fiberglass(not sure but they had hair) horses pulling a horse drawn hearse that was sealed inside this giant glass case was prominently displayed at the front of the funeral home. I was praying that God would just let us get inside away from the giant hermetically sealed horses so we could get ourselves under control before we had to play nice to whatever buffoon chose this place. We were was not so lucky. 

We were assaulted by a red and gold flocked wallpaper as soon as we walked in the door. I contained myself as well as could be expected until I did a 360 of the room.  Red and gold floral carpet. Red velvet Louis XIV style furniture with matching marble topped tables. Gilded wall sconces, table lamps, tissue box holders and in the center of the room hanging from the ceiling a huge crystal chandelier, trimmed in gilded ropes and ruby drop downs. I was by now grinning from ear to ear. My sister, knowing what is coming, stifles a giggle behind a hand covering her mouth and tells me to behave. I tried, I tried very hard. It was the magazine selection so carefully laid out on the tacky Loius XIV coffee table that destroyed that very tiny grasp I still had on my laughter. For our reading enjoyment while mourning the dead they provided the latest copies of People Magazine, Golf Digest, National Enquirer, Good Housekeeping and my personal favorite Dog World. By now my sister has lost control too and my Mother is mortified. Probably telling all the relatives that we were suffering from brain damage brought on by a virus we contracted while doing charity work in Africa, not true of course, but the desire to explain away her heathen children had to have been strong. During the funeral the minister gives this long, very long, glowing account of my uncle's life and what good friends they had been for years, the only problem with that was he called my uncle by the wrong name throughout the entire eulogy. The darts from my Mother's eyes quickly got us back under control. I was very proud of us until at the end of the service while walking outside to get in the limo's for the ride to the cemetary, my sister who had gone out first rushed back in, yelling in total amazement and disbelief:  "You are not going to believe this but they have a fucking swimming pool out back and I think I see a convertible hearse in the carport!"

The only thing missing from that funeral was the Elvis impersonator.



  1. There are no words in the English language, or any other language for that matter, that can accurately describe my horror at a name that I can't even spell, let alone say.

    The Lil man's real name has 3 meanings, 'impetuous hero,' bold one' and ahem...'dog' but we don't ever mention the last one.

    1. My son also has a "third" name, I caved too if I gave him his grandfathers ugly name he would set up a 60,000.00 trust fund for him at birth. I do have occasional moments of clarity so I agreed. We never, ever tell what that name is and my son was almost 12 before even he knew he had 3 names.

  2. You went drag queen, I was thinking Mexican Stripper.

    For the record, my family stopped calling me years ago. Right around when I answered, "do you want to go to grandma's funeral" with, "is that a joke?"

    1. Your probably right, but I keep holding on to hope that somewhere my family will produce at least one drag queen who will give me free tickets to watch the show. I see poor little Caleint LaFlor as the great white hope.

  3. I know someone who called his son Flash.

    Poor kid - and he's very boss eyed. School is quite possibly not going to be a pleasant experience for him.

    1. Probably a safe bet that he is going to be a target. Hey, may he can hook up with Caliente, that should take some of the heat off of him!

  4. OMG.. We're related and we've been to the same funerals! This sounds JUST LIKE me n' my lit'l sis!

    Hysterical post.
    I am now stalking you.
    Oh - And I have an award waiting for you over at my place. C'mon over and claim it!

    1. Welcome to my world of insanity, glad you came by and I love stalkers. I will be visiting you blog as soon as I finish here!

  5. Okay one I just wrote a comment the size of a fuckign book and my browser shut down on me so I am going to make this short and sweet.

    Sorry but I agree with you on the name. And spelling it wrong doesn't add a girlie flair to it. That just makes the parents look uneducated.

    And as far as funerals are concerned, that one sounded awesome. And if you didn't burst out laughing while the guy used the wrong name the entire thing, I applaud you. I'm the type that would have shouted out the correction. But even so I have a hard time swallowing the formalities of a funeral. I just want to go check out my buddies corpse, maybe cry, have a short fire side chat, and finish up with my goodbye. But all the recitations and shit that follows is hard to sit and swallow because I don't believe in it and I don't give a shit, and I can assure you my expired pal doesn't care, they're already off rocking the afterlife.

    And PS where is this funeral home? Was it a Vegas spot?

    1. Nope not Vegas, just a wannabe Vegas. A very small town Florida named Interlachin. I was going to post actual pictures but didn't want them coming after me with a law suit. LOL

  6. You know, I did name my daughter Payton Jaymes though. So I might be a hypocrite. But my husband asked me to do it. He said we were clearly never going to have a boy and he wanted our 2nd daughter to have James as a middle name. And I said that's ridiculous, she'a s girl, and he said we could add a "y" to lady it up a bit and I folded.

  7. I so hate to admit this. But my ex father in law died a few days before my daughter was born and I had this sudden but fortunately transient thought that I should give her a part of his name. James Franklin just didn't give me a lot to work with and another niece was already named Jaymie. The beast I could come up with was Jaymea. Thank God they were playing Christmas music when she was born and I was so drugged that when they asked me her middle name I rattled off Noelle. I didn't even know that was her middle name until the birth certificate came about three weeks later. Little hard to explain to the family why I told them it was Jamae when it was really Noelle. I am just thankful I didn't tell them Jinglebell, Chestnut or Frosty.