I'm Suppose To Do What With This!?

Let's take a walk down Memory Lane.

I couldn't wait to go to kindergarten, I would go with my Mom to pick up my brother and they always looked like they were having so much fun. Then at home he would tell about all the wonderful things they had done that. Mom always displayed any school art work proudly on the fridge door. I was mislead by the rat. He only told the good things. He never bothered to mention I was going to have to be quiet, an impossibility for me. I never learned that lesson all 12 years of school. You should see my report cards (Mom still has all of our report cards in a box. I know when I go visit someone with children the first thing I ask is to see all their kids report cards). Every year, every teacher in every class would put a note beside my grade: " needs more control over not talking in class", "excellent student but needs to talk less during class", etc. So from that first day in kindergarten I was appalled that I couldn't talk anytime I wanted and always failed at that endeavor. About 2 weeks into kindergarten the teacher had to leave the room during our afternoon book reading, she took a little to long to get back so I got up on her stool and started reading the book for her. She came back and let me finish the whole book. I swear there was relief in her face when she said I don't think your in the right class. So the next day IT went in and was put in a 1st grade class, I was not quite 5 yrs old yet and already kicked out of kindergarten.

I was a wiley child though and knew instantly this teacher was going to be harder to charm, I also noticed that she ate those hard strawberry candies with the soft center in them that are wrapped in paper that looks like a strawberry. She sucked on them all day, the whole damn room smelled of strawberries.  Conveniently for me my grandmother also was addicted to the same candy and kept it in a big bowl on her dining room buffet table. I would fill my pockets full everytime I went to her house. So to keep from being in trouble for talking every day I started making little notes saying stupid and untrue stuff like, "your the best teacher in the whole world) and "you are my bestest friend" then I would tape a piece of that candy to the note and give it to her the next morning when class started. It worked, oh she still made the comment on my report card, but she just ignored my talking during class.

Then on to second grade, this teacher was one of my Mom's best friends and I got away with murder, I didn't even sit at my desk most of the time, just roamed around visiting all my other classmates. Still I managed to keep straight A's.

My third grade teacher was about 20 yrs past the time she should have retired, she was so over teaching at that point and half ass blind and hard of hearing  that she didn't know what we were doing or where we were most of the time. She drove me crazy blowing on a whistle every morning before class and making us sing "America" if she couldn't find that whistle I guess the whole experience was ruined for her and we didn't have to sing.  One day a magic faerie took that whistle. She looked everywhere except in my dresser drawer in my bedroom at my house. That is where the magic faerie had hidden it. That was the day the music died. I did not mourn.

Then comes fourth grade and finally I got to take my beloved art classes I had been waiting on. Then my rainbow faded when I sat down at the art table and saw some very watery paint, a paper plate, a can of paste and a cup full of uncooked macaroni noodles and was told to be creative. I'm suppose to do what with  this stuff? Oh yeah, be creative. I watched all the excited kids around me carefully pasting the ends of two pieces of macaroni together and painting them to put on their painted Christmas trees, some made Santa heads. Me? I slathered a bunch of paste on the plate, dumped all the noodles on the plate and poured black paint over the whole lot and called it a day. When the art teacher ask me what it was, I looked at her like she was stupid and told her it was a tornado. That was the only thing I could think of that was big, black and messy. I wish I had known about Big Foot back then.

That was also the year of the big Girl Scout Brownie Scandal. I might possibly be the only person in the country to get kicked out of the Brownies. I didn't even make it long enough to sell cookies. My big offence was refusing to make a candle in the shape and scent I was told and refusing to wear that dumbass looking beanie cap. I guess in the Girl Scout circuit that is a felony.

Don't Call Me A Towel Head!

Been a wreck all morning, my mother's surgery was suppose to start at 9:00 am, it only takes about 45 minutes to pull a gallbladder, then 1-2 hours in recovery. When she was still in surgery at 12:00 pm I knew something wasn't right. It turned out to be a little more serious than they thought. Gall bladder came out fine, but then they found a hole in her colon so had to remove a section of her colon and then sew it back together. She will be in ICU for 3-4 days but is doing really well and is only in there for observation to make sure their stitches hold up in the colon and because of her age.  There are two brothers, two sister-in-laws, a cousin's wife that my Mom has always loved to pieces and  her best friend with her. Not a single one has left her side, even when she takes all of them she can handle and runs them out, they just go sit in the waiting room a couple of hours and then move back in the room, one by one, I guess they think if they sneak in she won't notice they are back.

But I have to tell you about my first conversation after surgery with one of the surgeons that did the surgery. First he is Indian, the second hardest accent for me to understand, Chinese coming in first. My brother is on the phone with me and since I wasn't there the Dr was going to repeat to me all that he had already told the rest of them so my brother hands him the cell phone. He seems to think it is a foreign object or maybe he is so old he has never seen one (I must remember to ask how old the guy is), my brother says he fumbled around with it for a while and then put it upside down to his ear to talk in the background I can hear them all laughing, they couldn't wait for him to leave so they could tell me about it and the look on his face when they handed it to him. So my brother very nicely shows him how to hold the phone. Then he apparently thinks he is communicating with me by two tin cans connected with a string across town and starts screaming as if I I am deaf, so I heard basically nothing that he was really saying.  Thank God, the other Dr realized there might be a problem with communication and called me back after #1 Dr leaves the room because this is what I heard in the first phone call:

Dr. (screaming)Hello? Hello? Hello? Can you hear me on this thing?

Me: Yes, Dr. I can hear you but your just a little loud which is making it muffled.

He totally ignores this and continues to scream, what I thought I heard him say:

Dr. Everything is looking good but I run into a little problem and will put it back in in three or four days.

Me: What? Put what back in? You don't put bad gallbladders back in? What are you talking about?

Dr. It's related to your grandmother.

Me: What? How is it related to my grandmother?

Dr. Mumble, mumble, mumble, hole, mumble, small, mumble, mumble, know it was there.

Me: What?

Dr. (laughing)Don't go running around this hospital and tell them all I am a towel head or a Mexican.

Me: I promise I won't do that.

Dr. Mumble, mumble, bird, mumble, mumble, antibiotics, mumble, now go eat you some lunch.

Then he hands the phone back. My brother thinking the Dr has hung it up just slips it into his pocket so I sat there for the next hour listening to them all teasing my mother about how she was having a bad hair day, one told her he thought he would go get a big greasy hamburger for her to eat, and a lot more, my mother tells them they all have to shut up or leave because she is too Goddamn sore to be laughing at their mess. Then one of them, just joking, asks if he "can stay at her house that night", she says "Of course, but why?", he says "We want to have a few friends over and thought it would be better to mess up your house since your not going to be using it for a few days than ours". Risky and brave move there, my mother is a clean fanatic, this is the honest truth if your staying at her house and get up to go to the bathroom you have to tell her what to leave alone because while your in the bathroom she is picking up the glass of Coke you just fixed, pouring it down the drain and will have that glass washed, dried and put back into the cabinet before you get back. It is standard practice when visiting her to yell out "don't make my bed!" if you get up in the morning to pee intending to go back to bed. Many times I have forgotten to yell and came back to find my bed nicely made up. She can't stand anything to be out of place and she moves fast, no way to catch her in the act.

The problem is now my family. Now I know they are all concerned and each one wants to do their part, actually the problem is they each one want to do it all. My mother is very particular and is only going to stay in her own home, they can't get that. Her best friend of 50 yrs is retired and going to stay at the house with her after she comes home. But the rest of the loons are freaking out on me and blowing up my phone with calls and texts bitching and complaining about each other and wanting me to call her and "fix" the situation. Really? You seriously think anyone is going to talk my mother into anything she doesn't want to do?  I know better, I am not getting in the middle of that one. My mother forces herself to go to one of their houses because his wife has not picked up a dust rag in 30 years and probably doesn't know where the vacuum cleaner has been hiding in the last 30 years either. Not to mention since my nieces's death they are raising her children, both of whom act like the world owes them everything, are the rudest kids I have ever been around, lie, steal and about anything else they can think of because they have been so indulged by my brother and his wife since my niece died it isn't even funny. Their excuse is always "Well, they lost their mother", my Mom always replies back with "And that is a good reason to let them act like animals that will be hated by all the other animals in the zoo when they grow up?" The other one's house is as clean as Mom's, no children, no animals, just to her liking. But they hover over her every move like she isn't capable. My mother has a more active social life than all the rest of us put together, trust me she doesn't need coddling unless she is the one doing it. It drives her crazy. Like I said, I am staying out of it.

So I am doing much better and will be able to cut that Klonopin back to two from three, if I don't answer the loons phone calls and since I was up all night I intend to lay on the couch and veg out to some movies.

Until something else happens and I have faith it will the way things are going lately.

Hate

I have no clear idea or theme for this post today. My mind is going a hundred miles a minute. My mother was just rushed to the hospital with a severe gallbladder attack and is going to have to have surgery. She is 84 so I worry. I need to be there but I can't trust my car to drive 700 miles there and back home again and hold up and I can't afford to rent a car. Not to mention it would take every penny I have for the gas there leaving me nothing to live on while there. I know my brothers and sister-in-laws and my Mom's best friend are there, I have talked to all of them and they will be there after she comes home but I still feel bad. I think it  it is time for a couple Klonopins. Today I fucking hate my ex husband for tearing up my new car as he made his grand exit. Actually I fucking hate him everyday for leaving us in the position we are in, but today it's a couple of degrees stronger. I hate him because I can't afford the new glasses I need to see while he makes over $150,000.00 and that's if he doesn't work overtime, which he does every day. I hate him for every vacation he takes, every new car he buys yet he can't buy the boys even an older car, every concert he goes too which is at least two a month, for all the new clothes he buys for himself yet ignores the kids may need some too, for every fancy restaurant he goes out to eat in every week two or three times a week, I hate his nice big condo while we had to go from a 6,000 sq ft house to a small apartment and he still screwed me out of my half of the money for the house, I hate when he breezes in every few months and buys the kids expensive shit they don't need yet never worries about the things they really need, I hate that he only lives three hours away and yet can only manage to see his kids once or twice a year because he is too busy going to the Bahama's or Key West because he needs to relax, I hate that he left when my disease got worse. I hate that he is going to blow threw town on the wings of Satan's breath to watch the boys graduate, walk around and play the big shot. But will he give them anything for the accomplishment. Hell no! I may not even tell him the right date of graduation. Let him show up a day late and rain on his parade. I hate that he let his girlfriend talk hateful and mean to my children, that he let her accuse them of stealing from her and took her side (cause being boys they really wanted that piece of costume jewelry she accused them of taking) letting them know in anyway possible they were not really welcome in their father's house. They may be evil but they are not thieves. She hit a stumbling block a year ago, she wasn't dealing with 11 year old's anymore, she ran straight into a  6'3" 18 yr old with no filter on his mouth, just like his mother, who hates her with a passion equal only to the hate I have for the ex. She ran into a kid that was no longer being told by his mother to play nice, actually he was told to act anyway he wanted and to say anything he wanted to her by his mother. That would be Demon Seed accompanied by his ever present partner, the Devil's Advocate, who gains strength from Demon Seed so while he might have been nice on his own he wasn't so nice either. I'm sure it was really pleasant when their sister, who hates her worse than she would getting syphilis and who has even less filter than her mother does, came to stay with them from Nashville. She wanted to make sure they were being treated right. They all went on a rampage. Did you know that liquid ex lax in the coffee machine does wonders for some people? My kids figured that out all on their own (ok, they might have had a tiny bit of help from someone who holds a PhD degree in nursing and knows just the right dose to use). Three mornings straight in the freezing  cold they got up at 4:00 am just to let the air out of her car tires. On the fourth morning they took her distributor cap off.  On the fifth morning her keys disappeared forever, those things aren't cheap to replace. On the sixth day they all "came down with food poisoning" after she cooked dinner, actually making themselves throw up and of course not a one of the three was able to make it to the bathroom in time and were too "sick" to clean up after themselves. Must I tell you how proud I was of them? I might have even gloated a little bit. But they got the job done and now she leaves and goes to stay with her daughter when they come. I think she fears them, or maybe she just doesn't like diarrhea everyday. The mere mention of their names must make her tremble now. I don't hate her, just the way she has treated my kids and no one comes out unscathed if you treat my kids bad! I hate the way he laughs, I hate the way he snickers, I hate the way he feels superior. I'm also pretty sure I even hate that I ever married him.

I think I even hate that he breathes.

Oh and I redid all the badges to include the last paragraph, some of the design had to be altered some to get it on the other badges. So just pick your favorite and put it up, no voting required. Because today, I hate voting too.

Pick Your Favorite Badge!

Since we aren't all women and the majority of us are just evil (I did not say the names Lily or Donna outloud to protect their privacy)  I didn't want to get fancy. So I made a few badges to choose from. Pick your favorite and place it on your page. I redesigned some of the badges to make some easier to read and to add the last paragraph on all of them, obviously the design had to change a little to get it all to fit.

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Oh Porsha, You Make Mindless TV Worthwhile!

It's no secret I am a reality TV whore. From the Housewives franchise to Honey Boo Boo, I watch them all. Honey Boo Boo gets on my nerves. I personally would have put that child up for adoption at birth, but the rest of them are hilarious and there is something oddly endearing about them. Farts, belches and all.

Comments made by the brainless squid Porsha and Phaedra on the Real Housewives of Atlanta make it worthwhile. Then we have Kandi who has a late night internet "talk show" that discusses nothing but sex and a line of sex toys but she is also making a gospel album.  How could we forget the amazon NeNe who imagines herself a famous actress, sorry hon but I have seen you on "Glee" and now on the "New Normal", forgive me for not watching you on "The Apprentice", but Donald Trump's hair frightens me. My Pug can act better than you and she doesn't even need a script to read to do it. You were much better when fighting with the synthetic wig baby machine, Kim. Let's not forget Phaedra's, the attorney, new endeavors she is going to mortician school and making a Donkey Booty exercise video at the same time. I guess if they don't die in an accident so she can sue someone then she can bury them, ensuring she gets a pay day either way. She might just be on to something good. Cynthia, Cynthia, Cynthia what can I say. You are only one rung up from Porsha on the intelligence ladder and I actually don't understand why everyone is on your husband's ass for being controlling, you need it, your like a clueless 5 yr old. At least you can, unlike Porsha, put a whole sentence together that makes sense, as long as Peter is there for you to glance at every 15 seconds to make sure you use the big words correctly. Poor little Kenya, you're just all kinds of fucked up, aren't you? I think you should take a trip out to Beverly Hills and visit Kim and Kyle. You and Kim would understand each other's full out crazy behavior and Kyle is right on your level of mean girl status. Just try not to look too long at Mauricio, that is one ugly dude, I don't give a shit what  his wife says. Another little tip Kenya, you having a benign lump in your breast does not make you a cancer survivor, trust me on this one, no one is going to have a run in your honor while your ride in front of them in a convertible wearing that tattered sash and by now dulled crown you won and put so much importance in for being Miss USA twenty years ago.

I was rolling on the couch when Porsha described herself as her husband's Barbie doll. Not exactly sweety, you're going to have to find a veterinarian willing to trim those teeth down some, could you have meant Barbie's horse? By the time she got around to telling us her husband was perturded with her I was in the floor. I would like to point out to you Porsha that "year round" is actually 365 days a year, not 265 days as you said. Year's don't take holidays sweety. Then she throws out the old "Guilty until proven guilty", by now I can't catch my breath from laughing at her. I am just there floundering in the floor. Week after week she never disappoints me in getting a word or a phrase wrong, most weeks she gets several wrong.

The feud over the dueling booty videos between Phaedra's Donkey Booty and Kenya's copycat Stallion Booty is hilarious. I mean, what the hell, those types of videos have been around for years and who wants an ass that looks like that anyway? Granted it was Phaedra's idea first and when she fired Kenya from producing it then Kenya wants to make one just like it only with a different name. Good luck beating Phaedra dear, she will chew you up and spit you out and have the whole legal system backing her up, I don't think many Miss USA's will be showing up to defend you since almost everyone has already forgotten who you are which explains your need to tell us several times each episode. It's not working well, I still can't remember your last name. But when Phaedra came out that Kenya had a Home Depot booty because it was full of silicone I really thought I would choke to death right there on my couch. If I die please take me to Phaedra's funeral parlor.

I think I have figured out I like these shows because these women are amusing, disrespectful to each other, rude, snarky and mean. I am them, without the money or fame.

Ladies Don't Teach Your Daughters To Be Ho's!

The Devil's Advocate has a new girlfriend, well she isn't exactly new, she has been around about three months now. Remember, he is the one that is all about the long term relationship? Demon Seed, on the other hand, only has to be ask one time by some girl he is dating "Where were you when I called?" and suddenly he sees no future with her and it's over that very instant, which is why I never even learn any girl he dates name, just call them all hon. I know they won't be around long enough for it to matter.

Anyway, I have nothing against...we shall call her...Tangy, short for Tangerine in honor of the many hours she devotes to the tanning bed. I swear as much time as she is here she has to be sleeping in the tanning bed at night. She is a sweet girl, but clingy and whiny and most of the time I just want to slap her on sight before she has time to open her mouth. The biggest problem with Tangy is she is extremely possessive, she is one of those that wants to spend all her time with the Devil's Advocate and if she can't she will call his phone every 10 minutes around the clock. She is still upset that I wouldn't take her to meet family out of town with us at Christmas for 10 days. That conversation went like this:

Tangy: I don't see why I can't come too.

Me: Because it's family time and your not family, you need to spend time with your own family.

Tangy: My Mom wouldn't care, she is on meth and probably wouldn't know I was gone. (now the whiny voice starts)

(Thinking to myself before speaking: I bet she wouldn't, she would be happy to be rid of you for a while so she can stop hiding in the bedroom cooking her meth.)

Me: I'm sorry Tangy but with me, the boys and the dog crates there isn't enough room in the car and my son-in-laws family has already bought and paid for tickets to several expensive shows for us to enjoy while there, we couldn't even get another ticket if we wanted, these have been paid for months ago in advance because they are shows that sell out fast.

Tangy: I would just stay at But She's Pretty Child's house with the dogs while you all go to the rest of the family's house.

Me: The dogs will be fine alone, they are but it means a lot that you thought of them (like I really believe my dogs were her concerning her)

Tangy: I would just lay around and watch tv and then I could have Christmas dinner with all of you.

(Thinking to myself again so as to not hurt the child's feelings: There is no way I would take you to a very formal Christmas dinner, complete with all the formalities that go with it, to help you understand my reasoning the girl eats spaghetti with a spoon, put three plates, three drinking glasses, three forks and three spoons in front of her and she would short out. Then I had visions of her not liking the seating arrangements if separated from the Devil's Advocate and swapping around the name cards at each place setting or at the very least removing all the table centerpieces just so she could have a better view of him.)

Me: Oh honey I'm sorry, but we have these fancy holiday dinners that are planned to a T, adding one extra person to the dining room table could cause some of my family to have cardiac arrest and a major uprising with the kitchen staff. It just isn't the right time to go with us. Maybe someday when we can plan in advance.

Tangy: I have never been to a dinner like that before, I've never been to a fancy house like that either.

Me: That's kind of my point. Another time perhaps.

Tangy: I wouldn't have to go to the dinner, you could bring me a plate home.

Me: What and have the kitchen staff stab me with a butcher knife for even suggesting it?

Tangy: They would really do that?! (Did I mention she is also an air head extraordinaire?)

Tangy: Please, please, please let me go! (Now we have full blown tears)

Me: Look Tangy, you can't go because we don't want you too, it's that simple. There is one thing you need to learn about me and learn it quickly, I don't deal well with fake crocodile tears and those that try to manipulate me by using them. Actually, it's not a wise move to try to manipulate me with anything. It only makes me mad and then I become hateful. You are edging ever so close to my hateful button. Amazing how fast those tears stopped.

Then yesterday happened and both her and her mother pushed that hateful button. She comes to visit as usual, but this time no one comes to pick her up. It's 12:00 am and I am wanting to go to bed so I ask her when her Mom was coming. She tells me she had just called her and she would be here right after she got off work in about 30 minutes. Work? The only work that woman does is in the meth lab in her bedroom. 12:30 am rolls around and no Mom, this time I tell her to call her mother back and tell her she has to pick her up right now. She says she did and that her Mom will be here by 1:00 am, no later. 1:30 am-2:00 am-2:30 am and still no Mom. Just how long does it take to cook up a batch of meth anyway? By 3:00 am, I am beyond pissed, have a migraine and just want to go to bed. Then the Devil's Advocate comes to have a private talk with me and tells me her parents are on meth and have a meth lab in their bedroom.  Why yes, son that is a perfectly good reason for her to spend the night and spawn with you, go away! So I called her Mom myself and told her she needed to get here immediately and pick the girl up. She informs me that: I thought Tangy was spending the night because she likes to "snuggle" with the Devil's Advocate and he smells so delicious, isn't that sweet." So now I have just learned that Tangy had never called her, again manipulating me and lying, the Mom thought it was perfectly fine for her 16 yr old to spend the night at a boy's house to "snuggle" because he smells good and has no manners or she would have checked with me first. Girlfriends do NOT spend the night at my house, EVER. Unlike some mother's I don't find it "sweet", I find it a recipe for disaster and future child support. Then she slammed that hateful button all the way down by saying "Well, I guess if you don't want my baby there I can get up and get dressed and come get her, I hope the police don't stop me" I told her:  "Just keep your damn meth head in bed, not because I am worried about the police getting you, I hope they do catch up with you,  but I do worry about the other innocent people that might be driving at the same time, I will bring her home myself and then you keep her there for at least a week and I don't want her blowing up my son's phone for a week either."

The Devil's Advocate's explanation for all of this? "Well Mom, you know her mother is a little slow because of the drug usage and besides Tangy doesn't touch drugs because of the way her parents are." I'm sure she doesn't but it has taught her to be a master manipulator and a liar. I'm afraid Tangy isn't going to like me so much from now on as I will be the one to determine when she can and can't come here and it isn't going to be everyday when her week is up and now that I know about the meth my son will never go to her house, except for the times he sneaks and I don't know about it. I may need to GPS track my car and his phone. He will turn 18 in less than a month and I won't have control over his going anywhere anymore. I am not worried for one second that he would use drugs there, he hates drug and alcohol use, but he doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded tree frog to realize he could get in trouble just by being there. Hopefully I can have her phased out by then. You see she can't tell the difference between his voice and Demon Seed's  on the phone and we have a plan. It was nice knowing you Tangy!

Baby Names

While I realize this is a touchy subject to those that feel the right to name their child any "beautiful, misspelled or stupid names. Also realize I don't give a shit if your offended or not. Case closed.

Today my friend comes by to tell me her nephew had just had a baby this morning. Out of courtesy you usually ask the standard questions: "Was it a boy or girl?",  "What did they name him/her?", "How much did he/she weigh?" "How long was he/she?" I may be the only one that asks these questions because I am nosy and it's just easier for me to think everyone else asks them too. I got to the first question of his sex and was told they are still testing as it could not be determined by a visual. I felt the tiniest twinge of sympathy for the baby and the parents. I ask his name and was told they had named  it "Awesome Lionitis" My first thought was it sounded like a rare sexually transmitted disease and all sympathy for the parents was gone and the sympathy for the baby amped up a little. But then I started out giggling which soon went into a full blown, in your face laughing. I was still laughing as she left 10 minutes later. The kid was born not knowing if it is male or female and then the parents go and compound that with that name? How many different ways can they screw this child up?

Other crazy or stupid names in this weeks newspapers:

Boys:

Teronious Anthony (Teronious? Really?)

Adesina Ogooluwasubomi (yeah he is going to learn to spell his last name, hopefully by the time he graduates from college)

Sergio Lerico Leone

Rhyle Blaze

ZaQuan Maurice

Jason Soaring Hawk (because the "Jason" just fit the other two names perfectly?)

Rocket Cade

Sosthene (what else could you expect, his mother's name is Saskia?)

Apelu Mason (you just know his friends are going to end up calling him Ape for short!)

Xavier Ahdosy

Destry OnNeal (fairly certain this one is gay)

Ismail Luciano

Gabriel Ubaldo (he is going to have some good kid inspired nicknames too)

Ezrah Razial

Girls:

Akeria Zhane

Jahliah Raquel

Shayma Lamia (I'm thinking the parents must have felt shame at getting pregnant and don't think to highly of the baby)

Sweet Baby Girl (no it isn't because they haven't named her yet, that IS her name, but nobody puts Baby in a corner so maybe she will make it out OK)

Tra&#039:Shae Danielle ( my personal favorite bad name, easily spelled, easy to read, well...you get the picture. Also wondering if she could be an alien baby)

Royalayn Aleze (sounds like a new casino game to me)

Alondo Arellano

Rachkkyn Olivia

Astrid Solstice (kinda tells you what her parents do on the side)

Kalvary Jo


Can you just imagine the future generation running around with names like this? Scary thought.

When A Bucket Isn't Big Enough Use A Septic Tank

I was going to post my bucket list and then realized a bucket just wouldn't hold all the things I still want to do. So I introduce you to my Septic Tank List. I choose a septic tank over, say, a swimming pool, a lake or some other peaceful sounding name that would hold a large amount because some of the thinks on my list just aren't nice and septic tank fits better.

My Septic Tank List:

1.   Take my ex for everything he has, my lawyer says this can be done but has advised I wait a couple years until he gathers more expensive items.

2.   With my windfall I will move to England, where the sane people live. I'm sick of ordering fish and chips and getting a bag of potato chips
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3.   I want to spit on someone, preferably Obama or some of my ex in-laws.

4.   I look forward to the day that Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate move back with their father, Satan. Fucker hasn't paid me a dime of child support even though the horns are now becoming visible.

5.   I will buy out Facebook and turn it into a bitch fest, the money I make should make me a millionaire several times over.

6.   I will get rid of Scientology and LDS, there is no way anyone is going to convince me that these are "People of God, Jehovah or anyone else religious. They are cults in the Jim Jones variety.

7.   I will buy me a new pink snowflake robe to lay around in and double my dose of Klonopin.

8.   I will ban all Good Mommy bloggers for blatantly lying.

9.   I will make all the world at peace and make sure everyone has enough to eat. Except the Ethiopians,  if they havn't figured out to just move the hell out of their by now there is no way anyone can help them.

10.  I will take away all Donna's problems and make her a millionaire too.

11.  I will make sure Lily can actually say the word vagina, cunt, etc on her blog and protect her from Spawn's take over.

12.  I will make sure that Dexter never calls me for a date again.

13.  I will give Mimi her own television show as long as she promises to never interview Oprah or Richard Simmons. Hell, maybe I will just make Oprah disintegrate so I never have to see her big head and fluctuating weight issues ever again.

14.  I will take on Dr. Phil in a one on one conversation, I am almost certain to win. I would take on Dr. Drew but how do you argue with someone who is already an idiot? I would take him down in less than 5 minutes so their wouldn't be much fun in screwing around with his head.

15.  I will ban Jerry Springer from every television set in the world.

16.  I will make Dr. Who familiar to everyone just because Spawn loves him so much. Haven't quite figured out what to do with Ophilia and Princess yet, they frighten me and I am afraid of the repercussions.

17. I will legalize marijuana and make alcohol illegal.

18. I will ban July 4th and New Year celebrations  Anyone who has every worked an ER/Ambulance/Police will understand my reasoning for this. A full moon may not be safe from my wrath either for the same reasons.

19.  I will fuck with the weather patterns so it is either storming or snowing year round because that's my favorite kind of weather.  I will also stop them from naming storms. What the hell difference does it make if a storm has a name or not? It isn't like they are going to collect Social Security and need identification to get it.

20.  I will ban all electronic candy and toy machines, replacing them with legal gambling machines. I hate small children so their happiness is not a big issue to me.

Sunday Stealing: The Basically Obscure Meme Pt 1 and Pt 2

Since I missed the first part I am going to go back and do it too.

Pt 1

1: Do you notice a persons eye color?

Not really, I have always said I would be the worst person in the world to have to identify someone in a police line up.

2: White, milk, or dark chocolate mocha?

White 

3: If you could get a  tattoo free, would you do it? what would it be?

I did get both of my tattoos free, one of my close friends is a professional tattoo artist. Both are my own designs. 

4: Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?

Small town and hated it.

5: Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite)

Hands down my Uncle Bus. 


6: What kind of smoothie sounds really good right now?

I don't like any kind of smoothie 

7: Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years?

Fourth grade. Diarrhea hit me in class and I couldn't make it to the bathroom, I ask them to call my Mom to come and get me, they ask why, I refused to tell and the lady in the office just kept badgering me and telling me she wasn't going to call my Mom unless I gave her a reason. I finally just yelled out "I shit my pants, is that good enough for you?" I don't know if she was more shocked at my language or my yelling, probably both. Either way she quickly called my Mom.

8: Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years?

Starting my period for the first time in class and not realizing it until I stood up and some boy said "Yuk, you have blood all over your seat!"

9: Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?

It was icy outside and I was hot on the trail of this new boy I really wanted to make an impression on (that may translate to make out with), he is walking with me into the school and we were in the process of making our first date when I slipped and fell face first on the ice, breaking my nose.

10: Have you ever fired anyone?

Yes, many times.

11: Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground?

As a child, not so much in my adult years. 

12: Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set?

I loved swinging as a child, excited when I see one now? No, maybe a little nostalgic but not excited.


13: If you could have any pet in the world, illegal or not, what would you get?

Another English Bulldog, I have had them in the past and dearly loved them, after my last one died of old age I just haven't been able to get another one but someday I will.

14: What's your favorite place to relax?

Hot Tub

15: What's your most favorite part of your personality?

My sense of humor 

16: Madonna or Lady Gaga? Neither? Both? Who cares?

Lady Gaga 

17: Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through?

No and have never watched it at all, I hate sports 

18: Have you ever watched any major sporting event live?

See above answer 

19: What's the most delicious food you've ever eaten in your life?

Steak from Acapulco 

20: Margarine or butter? Which did you grow up with?

Margarine.  I grew up with butter and always thought I didn't like butter until I discovered margarine.

Pt 2

21: Would you swear in front of your parents?

Yes

22: Which continents have you been on?

Europe and North America

23: Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?

No

24: Why did you name your blog whatever you named your blog?

Because it says it all. I love to stay in my pajama's and I take Klonopin

25: Would you wear a rainbow jacket? A neon yellow sweater? Checkered pants?

I will as soon as I get my ticket to Charlie's Chocolate Factory or an invite to Elton John's home

26: What was your favorite cartoon growing up? Post a picture if you can.

Richie Rich   

27: In a past life I must have been a...

Witch, I may have that confused with Bitch

28: If you had to look at one city skyline for the rest of your life, which would it be?

London

29: Longest plane ride you've ever been on?

From London to Indianapolis

30: The longest you've ever slept?

Do coma's count? If so then about 4 weeks

31: Would you buy a sweater covered in kitten pictures? Would you wear it if someone gave it you for free?

No and No for kittens, but dogs yes

32: Do you pluck your eyebrows?

No, I have them waxed

33: Favorite kind of bean? Kidney? Black? Pinto?

None, I hate beans

34: How far can you throw a baseball?

Far enough to hit my ex husband in the head

35: If you had to move to another country, where would you move?

I would go back to England

36: Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food? Vietnamese? Korean? Nepalese? How was it?

I thought the Ethiopian's didn't have food?  Yes to all, some good and some bad.

37: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If Chuck had wood, I wouldn't have cobwebs

Where Do All The Dumbasses Come From?

I seriously need to know how God's mind works when he creates people to inhabit the earth. Does he line them up, go down the line pointing at each one randomly and say: "You will be a serial killer", "You will be an asshole who hates everyone", "You will have normal children", "You will bear the children of my fallen friend Satan", "You will be a genius and join Mensa", "You will be book smart but have no common sense whatsoever", "You will be gay and have an obsession with feathers and glitter", "You will be a nymphomaniac", etc.

During the last three days I have come into contact with some of God's finest as well as His loss of control over the weather. One day it is sleeting, the very next day severe thunderstorms and today sunny and warm.

On sleeting day I needed a new wireless hot spot adapter for my tablet because apparently the one I had was built in a small hut by illeterates in some way off country with no communication abilities with the rest of the world, probably trained by monkeys and broke after 3 months. I go to Verizon to get it replaced under warranty. Where I promptly am greeted with more Verizon employees trained by their staff of monkeys: "Wireless hot spot adapter? I'm sorry but I am not familiar with that, let me get you a chimpanzee they're a little smarter than my particular breed" So the chimpanzee comes in and miraculously knows what I am talking about but has no idea how to replace it using the warranty but he will be happy to sell me another one.  I informed him that I wasn't buying another one because this one was still under warranty. The chimpanzee says: "Yes, I know but this one is broken and will not connect. Would you like for me to ring that up for you?" I was still screaming for them to at least get me a cast member from The Planet of the Apes to talk to as Demon Seed was dragging me out of the store by my arm. He stuffs me in the car, tells me to stay and not get back out and come back in there insulting them all again (this child knows me too well) and he will take care of it. He also tells me the main problem was that I didn't know what I was talking about and had them confused and wouldn't shut up long enough for him to explain to them exactly what I was wanting. He also denied seeing any monkey's in the store. I think his father, Satan, has him convinced I am crazy.

Stormy, pouring rain day starts out cozy. It is a cold pouring rain, thunder and lightening and I am snuggled all warm and safe in bed enjoying the fact that I don't have to get out and praying they don't issue a severe weather alarm and put me on activation. Then the phone rings telling me there has been a major car accident and could I go to the scene and find the guys wallet. Since it didn't arrive at the hospital with him they assume it was either thrown out at the scene or still in the vehicle. Exuse me, but isn't that the job of the officers working the scene? All officers have left the scene and are tied up and there is a large amount of money in the wallet. So I drag myself up and go to the scene, no car, it's already been taken away. No wallet in or near the road, which is solid mud (now I have mud up to my ankles and soaking wet) only place left to look is the drainage ditch full of water. No wallet there either, just wet sleeves up to my elbows and wet pants up to my knees but at least the mud has been washed off my boots. Now I have to call the PD to find out which company has the car. I get the info but am a little puzzled by the "better you than me" comment. Upon arriving at the location and finding the car I understand. The car is one of the worse I have ever seen, the only way to get to the inside is to literally climb in on your belly. I spent the next hour and a half crawling through debris, blood, vomit and glass. Oh and did I mention the dog shit from the dog that was in the accident with the driver whose bowels protested at being thrown into the back seat suddenly with the high speed impact? So now I am freezing, soaking wet, covered in blood, vomit, dog shit and have embedded glass in my hands, elbows and knees and a gash in my arm....but...I came out victorious...wallet in hand. Was I happy with my find? Fuck no, I ranted and raved all the way back. No sweet smelling bubble bath for me, I used alcohol in my bath water.

Nice sunny day, today, started out normal. It didn't last long. I stumbled out of bed to pour myself a cup of Dolly Parton's ambition only to realize I didn't prepare the coffee pot last night. Naturally the coffee canister is empty. I head for the pantry to get the can of coffee to fill it back up because I really need that ambition. Right off I knock a can of salmon off the shelf and hit my big toe. I let out a scream so loud that it probably woke up people two streets away. The Devil's  Advocate and Demon Seed come running thinking their meal ticket is being murdered and until they go underground for good they still need the one person above ground who is reluctantly willing to provide them nourishment. When I finish hopping around and cussing I notice four boys and two girls standing behind them that should be in school. It seems my house is the hideout for kids skipping school(mine are home schooled). Now I know I should have immediatly started calling parents but dammit my car needs washing and waxing and the inside needs a good cleaning too and this is the perfect day for it so I resorted to blackmail. I have a nice shiny car and their secret is safe with me this time. Maybe I will get lucky and the misfits will skip again before my house needs cleaning again. Hey, you have to take your opportunities where you find them!

Prayers Needed

I have to go to Hellmart and to the pharmacy. As I am dressed normally today and not going in pajama's I feel I could possibly be in danger and be attacked.
Thank you.

Good Mommy Blogger

We all know one of my favorite things is responding to nasty emails about my language and subject matter of my blog. But this one I prefer to embarrass publicly as well as by my return mail. Talking to CrazyMama reminded me of this one so I went back and dug it out of the idiot file to share.

I got an email a couple weeks ago from someone telling me I wasn't a "good mommy blogger" because a good mother wouldn't talk about her children the way I do.

The email:
 I am_____________I know you don't know me but I am an avid reader of all the Mommy Blogs and I must say when I came across yours from another blog I was astonished at the way you talk about your children and the names you call them. You are not what I would consider a good mommy blogger. Your funny, I will give you that, but I fear for the psyche of your poor children when they read what you write. Do you really want your children to grow up speaking that horrible language you use? I think not. Please consider this and clean up your act and make the world of Mommy Blogging even more enjoyable than it already is.
Thank you
_____________

Let's address his concerns, my reply to him:

Dear_______

 I promise you sir, if you lived with demon children you wouldn't be a good fucking mommy blogger either, it's a matter of survival, I get them before they can drag me to the depths of hell where their father lives.  Just consider yourself lucky I don't unleash on why a man is out there reading all the Mommy Blogs and critiquing them. Is there perhaps something you need to talk about? For some reason I picture you looking like Richard Simmons. As much as you love the Mommy Blogs, they bore the shit out of me, I prefer honesty and not a bunch of crap someone puts out there to make themselves look like Super Mom when we all know they are shoveling handfuls of sedatives down their throats just to be able to tolerate the little monsters just like the rest of us. I have never been one to read fiction.

Now let's get this straight so you will no longer feel the need to critique or read my blog again. First, I'm pretty sure it says somewhere on this site that I am NOT a Mommy blogger, hell if I had known then what I know now I would have ripped my womb out with my bare hands before ever getting pregnant. I will take full responsibility for being a slow learner and doing it five times before it occurred to me to do just that. Slow learner, hell, I was downright retarded when it came to that. I suppose that word offends you too? Too fucking bad. Is that better?

The names I call them fit, they can be evil. Haven't you ever seen the movie "Children of the Corn"? They are fully aware of the names I call them and find it amusing so I am pretty secure in the fact that their "psyche" is intact and they are just grateful I don't call them something else. Although, it does bother them sometimes when I get mixed up and call them by one of the dog's names, I am also secure in the fact that they will live through that too.

Well you thought wrong and I'm betting it isn't the first time in your life your thinking was a little off. I really don't give two shits what language they use, all my children are over 18, well except two of them and they are only a month shy of 18 so I consider that close enough, plus I have to factor in the fact that they are demon children and this is their native tongue. The only time I was slightly embarrassed by their language, and keep in mind it was so slight that I laughed like a fool all the way home, was the time I picked one of them up after church in the nursery at the age of  2 yrs and ask if he had a good time in there and he responded loudly "Fuckin' A!"

As for cleaning up "my act", I rather like my act the way it is. I can't stand stuffy, judgmental  fake people, much like you come off in your email. I can get confused at times so just in case your referring to the other kind of  "clean"  let me assure you that I wash my arm pits and my vagina every day when I bathe, use deodorant, put on some perfume and just for good measure I powder my pussy too. I mean you have to be prepared in case some salesman comes by that you want to fuck. I'm sure you do the same.

Now just a tiny word of advise, if you don't like a blog, then don't read it. It's very simple to  move on to one you do like. I'm sure there are some apple cheeked babies without horns out there somewhere to make you smile.

Thank you for your concern for my life and my children's.
Pajama Days in a Klonopin Haze