Monday, February 11, 2013

Ladies Don't Teach Your Daughters To Be Ho's!

The Devil's Advocate has a new girlfriend, well she isn't exactly new, she has been around about three months now. Remember, he is the one that is all about the long term relationship? Demon Seed, on the other hand, only has to be ask one time by some girl he is dating "Where were you when I called?" and suddenly he sees no future with her and it's over that very instant, which is why I never even learn any girl he dates name, just call them all hon. I know they won't be around long enough for it to matter.

Anyway, I have nothing against...we shall call her...Tangy, short for Tangerine in honor of the many hours she devotes to the tanning bed. I swear as much time as she is here she has to be sleeping in the tanning bed at night. She is a sweet girl, but clingy and whiny and most of the time I just want to slap her on sight before she has time to open her mouth. The biggest problem with Tangy is she is extremely possessive, she is one of those that wants to spend all her time with the Devil's Advocate and if she can't she will call his phone every 10 minutes around the clock. She is still upset that I wouldn't take her to meet family out of town with us at Christmas for 10 days. That conversation went like this:

Tangy: I don't see why I can't come too.

Me: Because it's family time and your not family, you need to spend time with your own family.

Tangy: My Mom wouldn't care, she is on meth and probably wouldn't know I was gone. (now the whiny voice starts)

(Thinking to myself before speaking: I bet she wouldn't, she would be happy to be rid of you for a while so she can stop hiding in the bedroom cooking her meth.)

Me: I'm sorry Tangy but with me, the boys and the dog crates there isn't enough room in the car and my son-in-laws family has already bought and paid for tickets to several expensive shows for us to enjoy while there, we couldn't even get another ticket if we wanted, these have been paid for months ago in advance because they are shows that sell out fast.

Tangy: I would just stay at But She's Pretty Child's house with the dogs while you all go to the rest of the family's house.

Me: The dogs will be fine alone, they are but it means a lot that you thought of them (like I really believe my dogs were her concerning her)

Tangy: I would just lay around and watch tv and then I could have Christmas dinner with all of you.

(Thinking to myself again so as to not hurt the child's feelings: There is no way I would take you to a very formal Christmas dinner, complete with all the formalities that go with it, to help you understand my reasoning the girl eats spaghetti with a spoon, put three plates, three drinking glasses, three forks and three spoons in front of her and she would short out. Then I had visions of her not liking the seating arrangements if separated from the Devil's Advocate and swapping around the name cards at each place setting or at the very least removing all the table centerpieces just so she could have a better view of him.)

Me: Oh honey I'm sorry, but we have these fancy holiday dinners that are planned to a T, adding one extra person to the dining room table could cause some of my family to have cardiac arrest and a major uprising with the kitchen staff. It just isn't the right time to go with us. Maybe someday when we can plan in advance.

Tangy: I have never been to a dinner like that before, I've never been to a fancy house like that either.

Me: That's kind of my point. Another time perhaps.

Tangy: I wouldn't have to go to the dinner, you could bring me a plate home.

Me: What and have the kitchen staff stab me with a butcher knife for even suggesting it?

Tangy: They would really do that?! (Did I mention she is also an air head extraordinaire?)

Tangy: Please, please, please let me go! (Now we have full blown tears)

Me: Look Tangy, you can't go because we don't want you too, it's that simple. There is one thing you need to learn about me and learn it quickly, I don't deal well with fake crocodile tears and those that try to manipulate me by using them. Actually, it's not a wise move to try to manipulate me with anything. It only makes me mad and then I become hateful. You are edging ever so close to my hateful button. Amazing how fast those tears stopped.

Then yesterday happened and both her and her mother pushed that hateful button. She comes to visit as usual, but this time no one comes to pick her up. It's 12:00 am and I am wanting to go to bed so I ask her when her Mom was coming. She tells me she had just called her and she would be here right after she got off work in about 30 minutes. Work? The only work that woman does is in the meth lab in her bedroom. 12:30 am rolls around and no Mom, this time I tell her to call her mother back and tell her she has to pick her up right now. She says she did and that her Mom will be here by 1:00 am, no later. 1:30 am-2:00 am-2:30 am and still no Mom. Just how long does it take to cook up a batch of meth anyway? By 3:00 am, I am beyond pissed, have a migraine and just want to go to bed. Then the Devil's Advocate comes to have a private talk with me and tells me her parents are on meth and have a meth lab in their bedroom.  Why yes, son that is a perfectly good reason for her to spend the night and spawn with you, go away! So I called her Mom myself and told her she needed to get here immediately and pick the girl up. She informs me that: I thought Tangy was spending the night because she likes to "snuggle" with the Devil's Advocate and he smells so delicious, isn't that sweet." So now I have just learned that Tangy had never called her, again manipulating me and lying, the Mom thought it was perfectly fine for her 16 yr old to spend the night at a boy's house to "snuggle" because he smells good and has no manners or she would have checked with me first. Girlfriends do NOT spend the night at my house, EVER. Unlike some mother's I don't find it "sweet", I find it a recipe for disaster and future child support. Then she slammed that hateful button all the way down by saying "Well, I guess if you don't want my baby there I can get up and get dressed and come get her, I hope the police don't stop me" I told her:  "Just keep your damn meth head in bed, not because I am worried about the police getting you, I hope they do catch up with you,  but I do worry about the other innocent people that might be driving at the same time, I will bring her home myself and then you keep her there for at least a week and I don't want her blowing up my son's phone for a week either."

The Devil's Advocate's explanation for all of this? "Well Mom, you know her mother is a little slow because of the drug usage and besides Tangy doesn't touch drugs because of the way her parents are." I'm sure she doesn't but it has taught her to be a master manipulator and a liar. I'm afraid Tangy isn't going to like me so much from now on as I will be the one to determine when she can and can't come here and it isn't going to be everyday when her week is up and now that I know about the meth my son will never go to her house, except for the times he sneaks and I don't know about it. I may need to GPS track my car and his phone. He will turn 18 in less than a month and I won't have control over his going anywhere anymore. I am not worried for one second that he would use drugs there, he hates drug and alcohol use, but he doesn't have the sense God gave a retarded tree frog to realize he could get in trouble just by being there. Hopefully I can have her phased out by then. You see she can't tell the difference between his voice and Demon Seed's  on the phone and we have a plan. It was nice knowing you Tangy!


  1. Ugh. I've had to deal with a Tangy too, fortunately she's out of the picture now and I am the same way with my youngest - now 19 - he has no street smarts what-so-ever and I always tell him, I don't believe for one second he'll be the one doing the drugs or whatever but he'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time and bam. That's all it will take..

  2. This one has no street smarts what-so-ever either but also thinks that everything I try to tell him I get from a crystal ball and therefor is not reliable information. The only reliable information comes from his clueless friends, Tangy or the Buckwild tv show.

  3. Hope her house doesn't explode. Love her name. And the title is familiar.

    1. I kinda hope it does. I couldn't think of another title, did someone else use it? If so I will gladly change it.

  4. I think it takes about 12 hours to cook up some meth...or so I've been told...ahem...
    Now there's a bunny boiler if ever there was one. Cannot wait to see what you and Demon Seed have planned up your sleeves! :)

  5. Again, I must give thanks to the Sweet Baby Jesus - or whomever the fuck is responsible - for making my 14-yo a down-to-earth, as-far-away-as-you-can-possibly-get-from-a-ho type of girl, so I (hopefully) never have to worry about her pulling some ridiculous stunt like this!

    (She didn't get it from me...I was a boy-crazy slut when I was 14. Mothers everywhere hated me with a blind, furious passion.)