I seriously need to know how God's mind works when he creates people to inhabit the earth. Does he line them up, go down the line pointing at each one randomly and say: "You will be a serial killer", "You will be an asshole who hates everyone", "You will have normal children", "You will bear the children of my fallen friend Satan", "You will be a genius and join Mensa", "You will be book smart but have no common sense whatsoever", "You will be gay and have an obsession with feathers and glitter", "You will be a nymphomaniac", etc.
During the last three days I have come into contact with some of God's finest as well as His loss of control over the weather. One day it is sleeting, the very next day severe thunderstorms and today sunny and warm.
On sleeting day I needed a new wireless hot spot adapter for my tablet because apparently the one I had was built in a small hut by illeterates in some way off country with no communication abilities with the rest of the world, probably trained by monkeys and broke after 3 months. I go to Verizon to get it replaced under warranty. Where I promptly am greeted with more Verizon employees trained by their staff of monkeys: "Wireless hot spot adapter? I'm sorry but I am not familiar with that, let me get you a chimpanzee they're a little smarter than my particular breed" So the chimpanzee comes in and miraculously knows what I am talking about but has no idea how to replace it using the warranty but he will be happy to sell me another one. I informed him that I wasn't buying another one because this one was still under warranty. The chimpanzee says: "Yes, I know but this one is broken and will not connect. Would you like for me to ring that up for you?" I was still screaming for them to at least get me a cast member from The Planet of the Apes to talk to as Demon Seed was dragging me out of the store by my arm. He stuffs me in the car, tells me to stay and not get back out and come back in there insulting them all again (this child knows me too well) and he will take care of it. He also tells me the main problem was that I didn't know what I was talking about and had them confused and wouldn't shut up long enough for him to explain to them exactly what I was wanting. He also denied seeing any monkey's in the store. I think his father, Satan, has him convinced I am crazy.
Stormy, pouring rain day starts out cozy. It is a cold pouring rain, thunder and lightening and I am snuggled all warm and safe in bed enjoying the fact that I don't have to get out and praying they don't issue a severe weather alarm and put me on activation. Then the phone rings telling me there has been a major car accident and could I go to the scene and find the guys wallet. Since it didn't arrive at the hospital with him they assume it was either thrown out at the scene or still in the vehicle. Exuse me, but isn't that the job of the officers working the scene? All officers have left the scene and are tied up and there is a large amount of money in the wallet. So I drag myself up and go to the scene, no car, it's already been taken away. No wallet in or near the road, which is solid mud (now I have mud up to my ankles and soaking wet) only place left to look is the drainage ditch full of water. No wallet there either, just wet sleeves up to my elbows and wet pants up to my knees but at least the mud has been washed off my boots. Now I have to call the PD to find out which company has the car. I get the info but am a little puzzled by the "better you than me" comment. Upon arriving at the location and finding the car I understand. The car is one of the worse I have ever seen, the only way to get to the inside is to literally climb in on your belly. I spent the next hour and a half crawling through debris, blood, vomit and glass. Oh and did I mention the dog shit from the dog that was in the accident with the driver whose bowels protested at being thrown into the back seat suddenly with the high speed impact? So now I am freezing, soaking wet, covered in blood, vomit, dog shit and have embedded glass in my hands, elbows and knees and a gash in my arm....but...I came out victorious...wallet in hand. Was I happy with my find? Fuck no, I ranted and raved all the way back. No sweet smelling bubble bath for me, I used alcohol in my bath water.
Nice sunny day, today, started out normal. It didn't last long. I stumbled out of bed to pour myself a cup of Dolly Parton's ambition only to realize I didn't prepare the coffee pot last night. Naturally the coffee canister is empty. I head for the pantry to get the can of coffee to fill it back up because I really need that ambition. Right off I knock a can of salmon off the shelf and hit my big toe. I let out a scream so loud that it probably woke up people two streets away. The Devil's Advocate and Demon Seed come running thinking their meal ticket is being murdered and until they go underground for good they still need the one person above ground who is reluctantly willing to provide them nourishment. When I finish hopping around and cussing I notice four boys and two girls standing behind them that should be in school. It seems my house is the hideout for kids skipping school(mine are home schooled). Now I know I should have immediatly started calling parents but dammit my car needs washing and waxing and the inside needs a good cleaning too and this is the perfect day for it so I resorted to blackmail. I have a nice shiny car and their secret is safe with me this time. Maybe I will get lucky and the misfits will skip again before my house needs cleaning again. Hey, you have to take your opportunities where you find them!