Sunday, February 10, 2013

When A Bucket Isn't Big Enough Use A Septic Tank

I was going to post my bucket list and then realized a bucket just wouldn't hold all the things I still want to do. So I introduce you to my Septic Tank List. I choose a septic tank over, say, a swimming pool, a lake or some other peaceful sounding name that would hold a large amount because some of the thinks on my list just aren't nice and septic tank fits better.

My Septic Tank List:

1.   Take my ex for everything he has, my lawyer says this can be done but has advised I wait a couple years until he gathers more expensive items.

2.   With my windfall I will move to England, where the sane people live. I'm sick of ordering fish and chips and getting a bag of potato chips
3.   I want to spit on someone, preferably Obama or some of my ex in-laws.

4.   I look forward to the day that Demon Seed and The Devil's Advocate move back with their father, Satan. Fucker hasn't paid me a dime of child support even though the horns are now becoming visible.

5.   I will buy out Facebook and turn it into a bitch fest, the money I make should make me a millionaire several times over.

6.   I will get rid of Scientology and LDS, there is no way anyone is going to convince me that these are "People of God, Jehovah or anyone else religious. They are cults in the Jim Jones variety.

7.   I will buy me a new pink snowflake robe to lay around in and double my dose of Klonopin.

8.   I will ban all Good Mommy bloggers for blatantly lying.

9.   I will make all the world at peace and make sure everyone has enough to eat. Except the Ethiopians,  if they havn't figured out to just move the hell out of their by now there is no way anyone can help them.

10.  I will take away all Donna's problems and make her a millionaire too.

11.  I will make sure Lily can actually say the word vagina, cunt, etc on her blog and protect her from Spawn's take over.

12.  I will make sure that Dexter never calls me for a date again.

13.  I will give Mimi her own television show as long as she promises to never interview Oprah or Richard Simmons. Hell, maybe I will just make Oprah disintegrate so I never have to see her big head and fluctuating weight issues ever again.

14.  I will take on Dr. Phil in a one on one conversation, I am almost certain to win. I would take on Dr. Drew but how do you argue with someone who is already an idiot? I would take him down in less than 5 minutes so their wouldn't be much fun in screwing around with his head.

15.  I will ban Jerry Springer from every television set in the world.

16.  I will make Dr. Who familiar to everyone just because Spawn loves him so much. Haven't quite figured out what to do with Ophilia and Princess yet, they frighten me and I am afraid of the repercussions.

17. I will legalize marijuana and make alcohol illegal.

18. I will ban July 4th and New Year celebrations  Anyone who has every worked an ER/Ambulance/Police will understand my reasoning for this. A full moon may not be safe from my wrath either for the same reasons.

19.  I will fuck with the weather patterns so it is either storming or snowing year round because that's my favorite kind of weather.  I will also stop them from naming storms. What the hell difference does it make if a storm has a name or not? It isn't like they are going to collect Social Security and need identification to get it.

20.  I will ban all electronic candy and toy machines, replacing them with legal gambling machines. I hate small children so their happiness is not a big issue to me.


  1. So do we vote you in or have you decided to take over the universe? I'm so glad you posted this cause now when you're not online I'll have something to warm my heart. There's a lot goin on here PJ.

  2. If I am not online, you can always email me, it comes straight to my phone and I will get it.

  3. Oh I've figured out what to do with Ophelia and Princess but it involves a shovel and my backyard.

    As for Vagina, I don't find the word quite as lurid as quim, vag or vajayjay. And cunt only gets used on special occasions...physically and figuratively.
    And where the hell has Dexter disappeared to?!

    1. Dexter is still around, wanting to take me on those special dates and getting turned down. The man had one date with me and ask me to marry him by email the other day (because I won't talk to him on the phone or let him come see me)sending me a picture of a diamond ring he wants to buy for me. He's a little rejected right now because I told him there would be no way I would come down from my last two 3 carat diamonds to that tiny chip he showed me. This guy is really amazing to me, no matter how rude I am to him he still keeps coming back. Damn shame I don't find one thing attractive or interesting about him and my skin crawls just seeing his name. I am afraid it would shed completely if I saw him in person again.

  4. I love your Septic Tank List! Um #6.. I'm LDS and I'm really not in a cult. Being LDS is not anything at all like that hideous show "Sister Wives." #10 and #11 make me smile and want to do the happy dance. And #12 - Dexter just needs to go away. He sounds like he's related to my creepy neighbor! And yay me for #13! I promise, no Oprah, no Richard Simmons and no Honey Boo Boo!

    1. I am talking about the kind the Sister Wives show is all about. Although I can see advantages to being a sister wife in that family, only thing is I would be out there hustling everyday to find Kody three more wives so my day with him never rolled around. I could make all the messes I wanted and blame it on the kids, that many kids around and kids being natural liars I'm sure they would buy it. I don't want to cook, no big deal Jenelle can and I won't even tell her how to re-arrange the cabinets. So what I spent money we don't have, blame it on Kody, because every man that has that many wives and children deserves a two seat sports car to drive around in, the others will buy that. I would be the Merri of the bunch. "So what I have no children left at home and you still have 6? I want my house as big as yours, no bigger with more bedrooms and a wet bar, I deserve it for putting up with your asses all these years and having to look at Robyn's chin everyday! That chin alone is worth a wet bar! I don't care that we don't drink I want to put fancy cookies on it that Janelle has baked for me" Why do I always fall for the train wreck shows?

  5. I was good till we got to number 17... you cant take my whiskey :( and i dont want my kids high....
    18... i have mixed emotions on this... can we ban it from everyone except my circle of friends? lol
    19.... let me get over a few fears first and um... buy a snow shovel and a shit load of winter clothes.......