We all know one of my favorite things is responding to nasty emails about my language and subject matter of my blog. But this one I prefer to embarrass publicly as well as by my return mail. Talking to CrazyMama reminded me of this one so I went back and dug it out of the idiot file to share.
I got an email a couple weeks ago from someone telling me I wasn't a "good mommy blogger" because a good mother wouldn't talk about her children the way I do.
The email:
I am_____________I know you don't know me but I am an avid reader of all the Mommy Blogs and I must say when I came across yours from another blog I was astonished at the way you talk about your children and the names you call them. You are not what I would consider a good mommy blogger. Your funny, I will give you that, but I fear for the psyche of your poor children when they read what you write. Do you really want your children to grow up speaking that horrible language you use? I think not. Please consider this and clean up your act and make the world of Mommy Blogging even more enjoyable than it already is.
Thank you
_____________
Let's address his concerns, my reply to him:
Dear_______
I promise you sir, if you lived with demon children you wouldn't be a good fucking mommy blogger either, it's a matter of survival, I get them before they can drag me to the depths of hell where their father lives. Just consider yourself lucky I don't unleash on why a man is out there reading all the Mommy Blogs and critiquing them. Is there perhaps something you need to talk about? For some reason I picture you looking like Richard Simmons. As much as you love the Mommy Blogs, they bore the shit out of me, I prefer honesty and not a bunch of crap someone puts out there to make themselves look like Super Mom when we all know they are shoveling handfuls of sedatives down their throats just to be able to tolerate the little monsters just like the rest of us. I have never been one to read fiction.
Now let's get this straight so you will no longer feel the need to critique or read my blog again. First, I'm pretty sure it says somewhere on this site that I am NOT a Mommy blogger, hell if I had known then what I know now I would have ripped my womb out with my bare hands before ever getting pregnant. I will take full responsibility for being a slow learner and doing it five times before it occurred to me to do just that. Slow learner, hell, I was downright retarded when it came to that. I suppose that word offends you too? Too fucking bad. Is that better?
The names I call them fit, they can be evil. Haven't you ever seen the movie "Children of the Corn"? They are fully aware of the names I call them and find it amusing so I am pretty secure in the fact that their "psyche" is intact and they are just grateful I don't call them something else. Although, it does bother them sometimes when I get mixed up and call them by one of the dog's names, I am also secure in the fact that they will live through that too.
Well you thought wrong and I'm betting it isn't the first time in your life your thinking was a little off. I really don't give two shits what language they use, all my children are over 18, well except two of them and they are only a month shy of 18 so I consider that close enough, plus I have to factor in the fact that they are demon children and this is their native tongue. The only time I was slightly embarrassed by their language, and keep in mind it was so slight that I laughed like a fool all the way home, was the time I picked one of them up after church in the nursery at the age of 2 yrs and ask if he had a good time in there and he responded loudly "Fuckin' A!"
As for cleaning up "my act", I rather like my act the way it is. I can't stand stuffy, judgmental fake people, much like you come off in your email. I can get confused at times so just in case your referring to the other kind of "clean" let me assure you that I wash my arm pits and my vagina every day when I bathe, use deodorant, put on some perfume and just for good measure I powder my pussy too. I mean you have to be prepared in case some salesman comes by that you want to fuck. I'm sure you do the same.
Now just a tiny word of advise, if you don't like a blog, then don't read it. It's very simple to move on to one you do like. I'm sure there are some apple cheeked babies without horns out there somewhere to make you smile.
Thank you for your concern for my life and my children's.
Pajama Days in a Klonopin Haze
LMFA!!!!!! Thank you!!! I needed that. So funny. Now PJ, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, you're not retarded, you just have special needs. And a really clean vagina. I aspire to reach your parenting skills. Fucking AAAAAA!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy parenting skills are so excellent. I threw a Hickory Farms sausage roll and some cheese at the boys and called it dinner. If they haven't figured out how to feed themselves by now....well they may be retarded. I was nice about it, I yelled from my couch, snuggled under the comforter and ask them if I looked like a fucking maid. See I only used fuck one time when they ask "what's for dinner?", that is usually at least a three fuck question.
DeleteOh Fuck Shea, YOU ARE A BLOODY LEGEND!!
ReplyDeleteOh I cannot wait for this man to come across, though obviously I don't mean that literally, mine and Donna's blog. He'll have a fecking coronary!
Is having a clean vajayjay now a sign of good parenting skills? In that case, I'm the best mum ever! Pass me that talc. :)
Dear God, he runs across you and Mama's blog too and you can bet the three of us are going to see Child Protective Services at one or all of our doors to take the children out of our possession. I wonder if they realize what a favor they would be doing us? I'm going to help her load the car. Not packing much because a few days of evil and they will be bringing them back and offering me money to take them back.
DeleteAnd yes, Lily a clean vagina is a sign of good parenting skills. You never know when a cute salesman may show up at the door, broom in hand to sweep out the cobwebs and for a attention give you something your children want or could really use. Throw in a little Summer's Eve Feminine Wash (cause everyone wants their vagina to smell like a meadow in spring, I don't know wouldn't that attract bees?)and you will definitely make that Mommy Blogger list.
DeleteAnd that's the real bummer! Knowing that they'll bring em back!!
DeleteI don't mind my Lady Garden smelling like a meadow in spring. That would be more preferable then the fragrance of an 'old people's home in winter'. Hmmmm, I can almost smell the piss. :)
HAHAHAHAHA! Omg.. I call my kids the "Children of the corn hole!" And holy hell if he went to Mama and Lily's blogs! Who the hell is this guy?? Does he have a blog we can stalk????
ReplyDeleteSee, now your also going to get a visit from CPS for calling them "Children of the corn hole", which would have made a much better title for the book and the movie. I wish he did have a blog but I don't even know who he is since he sent it by email. As I said, I suspect it's Richard Simmons, if he starts on me about exercising we will have to hunt him down and as they say in the south "Have a come to Jesus meeting."
DeletePerfect response! And I love that you are honest. That makes at least 2 of us. Keep on telling it like it is!!!!
ReplyDeleteI have to be honest, If I lied about them and a good breeze came through and blows their hair someone is for sure going to see the horns and out me. I told Demon Seed the other day if he didn't pull his pants up a little more his tail was going to pop out.
DeleteThis is so weird you guys, but I call my kids children of the corn too. And they're always like, what does that mean? I've never even seen the movie. wtf?
ReplyDeleteChildren of the Corn was written by Stephen King and then made into a movie. It was about a small town and a boy preacher comes and lives in a corn field(I'm certain he could have found a Motel 6 somewhere to stay in) and worships an evil entity they call "He Who Walks Behind the Rows", soon all the children in town join his little cult, become evil and they kill all the adults in town. Then in typical horror film style some idiot couple comes to town and becomes trapped in the town with the children. Much like we are trapped with ours. I wonder if "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" is related to "Those of Whom We Do Not Speak"?
DeleteHey there, Thanks for the follow on my little blog. I thought it would only be polite to to do the same thing. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad I did!
Hats off to you for giving such an awesome reply to what I can only assume is from someone who has nothing better to do that bloody moan.
I don't mind a moan but to have a go at somebody elses work is just stoopid.
Anyway, Good on ya.
Glad to have you Bumferry! There is a post further down in my messy blog that has a lot of emails posted that I have answered. Every so often I go through them and post some of them here for the world, well at least all 32 of my followers, can enjoy as much as I did.
Delete