Saturday, February 9, 2013

Where Do All The Dumbasses Come From?

I seriously need to know how God's mind works when he creates people to inhabit the earth. Does he line them up, go down the line pointing at each one randomly and say: "You will be a serial killer", "You will be an asshole who hates everyone", "You will have normal children", "You will bear the children of my fallen friend Satan", "You will be a genius and join Mensa", "You will be book smart but have no common sense whatsoever", "You will be gay and have an obsession with feathers and glitter", "You will be a nymphomaniac", etc.

During the last three days I have come into contact with some of God's finest as well as His loss of control over the weather. One day it is sleeting, the very next day severe thunderstorms and today sunny and warm.

On sleeting day I needed a new wireless hot spot adapter for my tablet because apparently the one I had was built in a small hut by illeterates in some way off country with no communication abilities with the rest of the world, probably trained by monkeys and broke after 3 months. I go to Verizon to get it replaced under warranty. Where I promptly am greeted with more Verizon employees trained by their staff of monkeys: "Wireless hot spot adapter? I'm sorry but I am not familiar with that, let me get you a chimpanzee they're a little smarter than my particular breed" So the chimpanzee comes in and miraculously knows what I am talking about but has no idea how to replace it using the warranty but he will be happy to sell me another one.  I informed him that I wasn't buying another one because this one was still under warranty. The chimpanzee says: "Yes, I know but this one is broken and will not connect. Would you like for me to ring that up for you?" I was still screaming for them to at least get me a cast member from The Planet of the Apes to talk to as Demon Seed was dragging me out of the store by my arm. He stuffs me in the car, tells me to stay and not get back out and come back in there insulting them all again (this child knows me too well) and he will take care of it. He also tells me the main problem was that I didn't know what I was talking about and had them confused and wouldn't shut up long enough for him to explain to them exactly what I was wanting. He also denied seeing any monkey's in the store. I think his father, Satan, has him convinced I am crazy.

Stormy, pouring rain day starts out cozy. It is a cold pouring rain, thunder and lightening and I am snuggled all warm and safe in bed enjoying the fact that I don't have to get out and praying they don't issue a severe weather alarm and put me on activation. Then the phone rings telling me there has been a major car accident and could I go to the scene and find the guys wallet. Since it didn't arrive at the hospital with him they assume it was either thrown out at the scene or still in the vehicle. Exuse me, but isn't that the job of the officers working the scene? All officers have left the scene and are tied up and there is a large amount of money in the wallet. So I drag myself up and go to the scene, no car, it's already been taken away. No wallet in or near the road, which is solid mud (now I have mud up to my ankles and soaking wet) only place left to look is the drainage ditch full of water. No wallet there either, just wet sleeves up to my elbows and wet pants up to my knees but at least the mud has been washed off my boots. Now I have to call the PD to find out which company has the car. I get the info but am a little puzzled by the "better you than me" comment. Upon arriving at the location and finding the car I understand. The car is one of the worse I have ever seen, the only way to get to the inside is to literally climb in on your belly. I spent the next hour and a half crawling through debris, blood, vomit and glass. Oh and did I mention the dog shit from the dog that was in the accident with the driver whose bowels protested at being thrown into the back seat suddenly with the high speed impact? So now I am freezing, soaking wet, covered in blood, vomit, dog shit and have embedded glass in my hands, elbows and knees and a gash in my arm....but...I came out victorious...wallet in hand. Was I happy with my find? Fuck no, I ranted and raved all the way back. No sweet smelling bubble bath for me, I used alcohol in my bath water.

Nice sunny day, today, started out normal. It didn't last long. I stumbled out of bed to pour myself a cup of Dolly Parton's ambition only to realize I didn't prepare the coffee pot last night. Naturally the coffee canister is empty. I head for the pantry to get the can of coffee to fill it back up because I really need that ambition. Right off I knock a can of salmon off the shelf and hit my big toe. I let out a scream so loud that it probably woke up people two streets away. The Devil's  Advocate and Demon Seed come running thinking their meal ticket is being murdered and until they go underground for good they still need the one person above ground who is reluctantly willing to provide them nourishment. When I finish hopping around and cussing I notice four boys and two girls standing behind them that should be in school. It seems my house is the hideout for kids skipping school(mine are home schooled). Now I know I should have immediatly started calling parents but dammit my car needs washing and waxing and the inside needs a good cleaning too and this is the perfect day for it so I resorted to blackmail. I have a nice shiny car and their secret is safe with me this time. Maybe I will get lucky and the misfits will skip again before my house needs cleaning again. Hey, you have to take your opportunities where you find them!

29 comments:

  1. Blackmail is a wonderful thing. Your job.. Vomit, blood, dog shit, shattered glass and mud? Not so much. Enjoy your sunshine, it's a balmy -3 here. :)

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    1. Another day of sunshine and it's a weekend so no illegal school immigrants to show up that I can force into cooking dinner. Some things just aren't fair. Guess I can only hold out hope that they break something.

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  2. So I'm new here, as you know. I read you were a paranormal investigator. Is wallet fetching part of your job description or is that some other job you do? And I gotta say...that job sounds gross...but never dull and actually pretty meaningful. I mean, face it, that wallet was important. You found it.

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    1. I am a paranormal investigator. I have a PhD in nursing, Truama was my specialty and I was flight certified so often flew out on the chopper for emergencies for many years until my Lupus decided it was more important than me earning an income and became worse. When that happened I decided to go back to school for Emergency Management, imagining that nice cozy 911 console would be a perfect fit. I could have taught but I really can't stand students so that was out for me. After getting that degree I discovered they considered me over trained for just taking 911 calls since you really have to only have a few training classes to work the console. I can't work full time or really even part time due to the illness so I caved in and let them put me on emergency management stand bye. So as long as the weather is nice, there are no major accidents at the base where they are destroying chemical bombs, we don't get attacked by a foreign government or Obama, there are no school, restaurant or mall shootings here, no hurricanes hit the gulf, no tornadoes with injuries, no hostage situations, pretty much any crisis event, then I get to stay home and only do a shift or flight here and there when I decide I want to in order to keep my skills fresh, my licenses and certifications active. Stormy day was a fluke, all ambulances were out, all police officers tied up on several different calls, Trauma Center packed and they couldn't find anyone else to go, so they called me in to do it. Normally we wouldn't bother over just a wallet(it's not in our "job description" but this guy foolishly had a wallet full of big money and a couple of other important items in the car with him and the city didn't want to end up responsible for that much money if it wasn't found. I could really handle all of it but the vomit, that is one thing I simply never got to the point that I could handle and will often vomit right along with any pt that is vomiting, or any scene that has vomit on it. I even get sick if it's my own vomit. I can easily pick up body pieces but this guy wasn't nice enough to leave a body piece, no, he had to go and leave a vomit soaked wallet.

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  3. And all this time I thought some guy in a big van and kidnapped you at Hellmart. I've been worried sick. You don't understand I, love you and want to move in. So please, if you can, whatever the weather, could ya let me know you're alive, just say, "hey, not dead or in jail," once a week? BTW thanks for Therese, she kinda gets me.

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    1. He wouldn't have to kidnap me, I would go willingly, the devil children don't live with him. Did you not get my emails, the long one where I explained everything to you since we share so much of the same things? I'm still waiting on that answer Little Missy (said in my best John Wayne voice)!

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  4. Btw, all those dumb asses came from vaginas

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    1. Almost makes me ashamed to have one. I'm also going to kick you off my blog if I hear you say vagina again, you know how offended I get by that word! LOL

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    1. You know sometimes I don't even realize what I have written or how I phrase something until I go back and check for my frequent spelling errors, fuck the grammar errors and all the run on sentences I don't even bother checking them. The way I write is exactly the way I talk with a little less sarcasm because...well...some people can't recognize the sarcasm in writing. What would happen if Honey Boo Boo's family wanted to read my blog? They wouldn't understand a single word of my sarcasm, on second thought I am not yet convinced any of them can read so it probably isn't something I need to worry about.

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  6. UH Pj, I answered all your emails!!! As soon as I got them Missy PJ. I write how I talk too, but keep in the sarcasm...turn your computer on soon.

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    1. Really? I only got one that said "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you". I wonder why? I am on the desktop right now because I can't stand this sappy background anymore and am designing another one more fitting my personality.

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    1. See? There you go again with that trash mouth that keeps you off the good mommy blogger list!

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  8. I will find out where you live and bring extra spawn if you kick me off

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    1. I have Spawn Protection Spray, it doesn't work on mine, they have become immune to it after all these years.

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  9. Er...excuse the lovefest between the two of you. I'll just leave, shall I? *walks off in a jealous huff.*

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  10. Never Lily! We are all about a Menage A Trois! Remember we are the Bad Mommy Bloggers with evil children, we have to stick together! OMG I just noticed, you didn't cuss or say vagina one time in your post! Are you feeling well, dear? Has Spawn perhaps cast a spell on you?

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  11. Lily Get back here. Yours was one of the spawn I was bringing. OMG PJ I love what you've done with the place. I don't know how to do this remodeling stuff.

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    1. Thank you for the page compliment, I get bored looking at the same one all the time and designing can be ALMOST as good as Klonopin to relax me.

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    2. Don't *sniff* try and sweet talk *weep* me. I know *bawls* when I'm not *cries hysterically* wanted. *wipes snot from face.

      Oh and "quim." Is that good enough?

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    3. Nope, not buying quim, come on you can do it, just say it and free yourself!

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  12. I um...well...and so...I forget what I was going to say so I will sign off.

    Vagina!

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  13. hahahahaha middle child. Lily, you know how bad i want you...quim?

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    1. Are you asking what quim means or calling using it as a sort of endearment for Lily?

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    2. I was wondering if that's her suggestion for your vagina name

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  14. You've got some funny ideas about chimpanzees. If you scream at a real chimp, he assumes you're either hungry or want to get laid. Those folks in the shop were more like baboons.

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    1. That was kind of the point, no matter what I did the chimpanzees thought I wanted something else. Besides Verizon wouldn't hire the baboons because of their...well...big red butts might turn customers away. It also fits in another way I WAS hungry and I DID want to get laid, just not with a chimpanzee, reminds me too much of my ex.

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